chapter 9

Day 86: Concert

Going to an actual Hi5 concert for the first time in like, three weeks. Gonna watch my boyfriend preform like a crazy person in front of girls several years his junior. C’est la vie. Wish him luck on twitter for me.

I’ll be watching from backstage, so keep an eye out for me. (You won’t see me. That’s kind of the point. But whatever. I’m trying to be polite, but I’m not sure what to say in this situation. It’s all new. Sorry, lads and ladies. I promise I love you. You just don’t know everything that’s going on exactly.)

Thanks for the patience. I understand the hate.

279 days till Bye5

Less than a minute after Louis posts his new blog entry, Harry’s phone buzzes. He returns Louis’ suspicious look with an innocent one. “So I maybe set up a bit of an alert,” he says.

“They’re not even me,” Louis says. “You know that, right? Except for this one.”

“Well, yeah. But I want to know what you’re saying about my boyfriend. Even if it’s not really you and they don’t know you’re my boyfriend. Just in case they ask me later, once we’re allowed to admit it.”

Louis narrows his eyes and smiles at Harry, who’s planning for them to come out even though they can barely admit to knowing each other right now. “Alright,” he sighs. “Thank you. I guess. I hope none of it has hurt you.”

“Nope.” Harry’s smiling happily. He always is so flattered when Louis gives in and shows how much he cares about him. “You are coming, then?” he asks.

“Yeah, babe. I promised you I’d come and I’m coming, alright? Don’t worry.”

Harry grins. “Okay.” He watches Louis get dressed in a pair of tight pants and a shirt he likes.

“Why you watching me change, weirdo?” Louis teases, fixing his hem.

“You could wear, um. This?” Harry tries to be smooth but ends up just being awkward as he pulls out a bag.

Louis gives him another look, expecting it to be something perverted or kinky or something, but no. It’s a black hoodie with the number one on the back and the word “boyfriend” on the back instead of a last name.

Harry over-explains, as usual. “Number one boyfriend, is what it means. It’s… the hood will cover most of everything. And I thought, it’s vague enough, right? Nobody will know it’s from me. And but inside, look at…” Harry holds open the inside. There on the lining is a tiny set of letters.H.S. Right where it will lay over Louis’ heart when he wears it. “So you’ll know,” Harry finishes softly. “If you want to. I dunno. It was just a thought.”

Louis doesn’t say anything. He plucks it out of Harry’s hands and puts it on, zipping it up and stuffing his hands in his pockets. “Don’t we have to be going?” he says after a second. “C’mon.”

When Aiden sees the back of Louis’ hoodie, he asks. “Cheating on me?”

“No,” Louis says sharply. “PR gave it to me. Thanks for the great present.” He sweeps past Aiden grandly, through the door into the arena.

Zayn snags him with an arm around Louis’ waist. “So which boyfriend is this one from?” he asks expectantly.

“The romantic one.” Louis makes a face. He unzips it a little and shows Zayn Harry’s initials. “All his idea,” he says softly.

“He’s gone for you,” Zayn observes softly.

“I’m wearing the damn thing,” Louis points out.

Zayn grins. “You are,” he agrees. “I need to find out where he got this; Perrie would love one. If it said, y’know, girlfriend.”

“Dunno, man. I’ve heard she’s a pretty kickass boyfriend.”

Zayn plants a kiss on Louis’ cheek. “I need you,” he decides. “Let’s keep in touch. Where do you live?”

Louis giggles a little. “I dunno. Will you really remember if I tell you now?”

“I have a very good memory.”

“Just have me text it to you, y’twat.”

“My point, though, is that we have to talk.”

“Sure. You’ve got my number. It’s not like I’ll be doing anything else. With my lack of a career and everything,” Louis adds glumly.

Zayn makes a sympathetic face. “We can find you a job,” he says. “Maybe you could iron our stage clothes. Or clean the bus. Something like that.”

Louis glares. “That’s very not funny.”

“I thought it was pretty good,” Zayn shrugs. “C’mon, though, we could visit your family and mine. Make a trip of it.”

“Not my family.”

“Why?”

It’s getting increasingly hard to avoid this subject. Louis is reminded why he doesn’t get close to people. “Long story.”

“Give me the short version.”

“Mum died, don’t talk to the rest.”

Zayn falls silent, as Louis intended. “Jesus. Sorry,” he finally says.

“Don’t be.”

Another pause. “Does Harry know?”

“Know what?”

“That your mum’s fucking dead, what do you think I meant?” Zayn says, staying quiet, thank God.

“No, he doesn’t know. Why should he know? We’re dating, we’re not in a fucking… committed marriage or whatever. I don’t tell him all my shit. Alright? I’m sure he doesn’t tell me all his shit either.”

“I think he’d tell you if his mum died.”

“Yeah, well you’re not in the fucking relationship, so shut the fuck up. We’ll tell each other whenever we’re damn well ready.”

“Maybe sooner is all I’m saying,” Zayn mumbles rebelliously. “’Cause it gets to the point where it’s weird to hold it back any longer.”

“Thanks for that advice. I’ve been looking for some unsolicited feedback.”

Zayn snorts and lets go of him. “Dick head.”

“Asshat.”

“I don’t understand your friendship,” Harry speaks up from behind them.

Louis is proud of himself for not panicking. “Of course you don’t,” he says loftily. “We’re much more intellectually advanced than you.”

“You hit your head on the top of the bunk two days ago,” Harry says.

“You’ve betrayed me. I’m wounded to the core.”

Zayn gives Louis a look that seems to imply that he sees irony in this dramatic statement. Louis flips him the bird. Harry follows this interaction, frowning in confusion. “I’m sorry,” he says after a moment.

Louis wants to kiss his cheek. Instead, he pats his shoulder. “I love you,” he whispers very softly.

Harry blushes happily. “Okay. Me too.”

“Okay.”

Zayn fakes a vomiting sound and rolls his eyes, but doesn’t seem that upset. He even spares them a fond look when Louis pulls Harry close with an arm around his waist. Harry tries to physically shrink smaller, closer to Louis, and Louis is full of so much love for him. Not fondness or affection or anything but love. He loves Harry. He loves him so much it hurts in his chest, right under Harry’s screen-printed initials.

When they’re in the dressing room, Louis pulls Harry down on the couch next to him. He doesn’t bother being gentle; Harry comes anyways, and Louis doesn’t feel gentle. He feels like ripping everything up, because everything’s suddenly in the way of his love. He could fill this room – he could fill the stadium with it. He hates how much he’s unable to express it, when he could set the stadium on fire with the heat of all this love. He hates that his H.S. has to be tiny and so close to his chest. He wants to wear that on his back. He wants to kiss him and he wants everybody to see and love it, but also wants nobody to care.

“What’s up?” Harry asks. Of course he can tell something’s wrong.

Or not wrong, even. Right. Something’s so damn right.

“C’mere,” Louis says. Harry scoots closer and puts his ear right near Louis’ mouth. Louis leans even closer, barely not kissing his earlobe, and says, “I love you so much, I’m not sure I’ll be able to breathe. I don’t know how I’ll keep from running on stage and kissing you.”

Harry looks at him, deep in his eyes. He’s trying to figure out if Louis is kidding, and Louis feels like a giant dick. Apparently his sincerity is clear in Louis’ eyes, so Harry starts to smile. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Louis nods. “I want to wear your name on my sweatshirt. I want to do stupid matchy stuff with you and tell everybody how romantic you are. I want to write bunches about you – not for anybody else to see or read or anything, but just because I have to get all flowery and sweet when it comes to you. Or I want to. Because I love you. More than any boy has ever loved anybody ever.”

Harry awkwardly turns over and wiggles his way between Louis’ legs and lays on his chest, hugging Louis around the waist. “Yeah?” he says softly.

“Yeah,” Louis agrees again. “I want to never touch Aiden again. I want to take you out for coffee and for films and everything. I want to have sex with you and stick around afterwards because you’ll probably be lovely. I don’t know if I deserve you, but I sure as hell want you. And love you.”

“How much do you love me?” Harry asks very softly.

Louis is so glad he feels like humoring him. Harry looks so completely happy,. For once, Louis thinks he’s gotten it all right. “I love you more than I hate Aiden,” he whispers back. “I love you more than Zayn loves Perrie. I love you enough to kidnap you and take you away forever.”

“That’s creepy,” Harry says, hiding his smile in Louis’ chest.

“No it’s not. You and me hid away on a beach somewhere, living together and kissing and fucking whenever we want. Just you and me. We could walk around naked forever. Perpetual tan, you and me.”

Harry settles in more comfortably. “That does sound nice,” he murmurs. “Why?”

“What?”

“Why do you love me like this right now?”

“Oh. Um. I dunno. I just do. I kind of always do, but I particularly do right now.”

“Okay,” Harry smiles. “Then I think you’ll like my surprise.”

“I know I will, darling.”

Harry wants to kiss him; Louis can see it in his eyes. “Don’t you have to go to the loo?” Harry asks.

Louis goes along with it. “Yeah, but I don’t know where it is.”

“Oh, I can show you.”

Louis grins at Harry gets up and follows him out the door and down the corridor. “I love you,” he says as soon as they’re out of earshot. “I can’t wait until tomorrow.”

“Me neither.”

“Make out with me.”

“I guess.” Louis smiles. He pulls Harry into the toilets and kisses him up against the other side of the door. Harry’s eager and happy, holding onto Louis’ shoulders and kissing back enthusiastically. “I love you,” Louis says again, between kisses. He fits his hands over Harry’s hips, sliding under his shirt to brush over them. “I love you so much.”

Harry smiles and pulls back to say, “I love you so much too.”

Louis kisses his neck, quietly admiring how long and beautiful he is. “Don’t,” Harry says after a moment. “I can’t have a love bite on my neck on stage.”

“Please?”

“No, Lou…” Harry’s wavering.

“Take off your shirt.”

“What?”

“Take it off, now.” Louis pulls Harry’s shirt over his head and tosses it on the floor. He attaches himself to Harry’s collarbone, sucks and nips a bruise there before Harry can stop him. Harry doesn’t want to stop him, anyways. His head tilts back and his hands scrabble a bit at the door, searching for something to hold on to.

“Please,” Harry breathes.

“Another?”

“Yes, please,” he begs. Louis takes a chance and grinds into him; Harry’s hard in his skinny jeans, so Louis keeps kissing him while he unzips Harry’s jeans and pulls his boxers out of the way. Louis bites down on the edge of Harry’s shoulder as he takes Harry’s cock in his hand, and Harry groans a little.

“I could suck you off,” Louis murmurs. “Would you-“

Harry whimpers at that, and Louis thinks his knees go a little weak from how he sags against the door. That’s a yes. So he kneels down and kisses Harry’s hip, sucking another love bite in the juncture. “This your first blowjob?” Louis asks before starting.

“Lou…” Louis isn’t entirely sure Harry can think further than that. He kisses his tip and takes him as far in as he can. He can tease later, when he has time to properly appreciate how beautiful Harry is when he’s coming apart.

It doesn’t take very long. Louis bobs up and down a couple times, twirls his tongue over the head a bit and Harry comes with a deep sigh from the bottom of his gut. “I’m sorry,” Harry says almost before he’s done.

“For what?” Louis fixes Harry’s pants back up and zips up his jeans. He rinses his mouth out at the sink and kisses Harry briefly. “For what, darling?” he asks again, because Harry’s apparently still trying to gather his thoughts up.

“I came really fast,” Harry mumbles, turning bright red. “I’m sorry.”

“Babe, it’s okay,” Louis assures him, clasping his hands around Harry’s waist. “That was kind of the point of the whole thing. Don’t be sorry. If I didn’t want you to come, I would’ve stopped. Okay?”

“Okay.” Harry hugs him back, ducking his head into the crook of Louis’ neck.

“Don’t even worry, darling. Just breathe, okay? I just wanted to calm you down, alright? I love you. I’m sure you’ll be brilliant in the show.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re really pretty, babe.”

“Thanks. You too.”

“Okay.” Louis kisses Harry’s neck and holds him as long as Harry wants. He isn’t sure the exact time frame, but Harry just relaxes in his arms for what seems like an hour.

Finally, someone knocks on the door. “Harry?”

Harry clears his throat. “I’m here,” he says.

“You’re on-stage in a few minutes.”

“Okay. Thank you. I’ll be there.”

“I’ll come with you,” Louis offers.

“Please.”

“Okay. C’mon.”

Louis has to let go of Harry as they walk through the corridors, but he whispers, “We’ll do this holding hands someday.” And when their hands swing past each other’s, their fingers brush.

“Where were you?” Niall asks Harry as he joins them backstage.

“In the bathroom,” Harry says, giving Louis a look.

Louis pulls Harry close by the arm to slap him about the head. “Idiot.”

“Oh?” Zayn raises his eyebrows. Harry steps away to get his mic attached.

“Shut up,” Louis warns. “Good luck out there.”

“Ominous,” Zayn rolls his eyes.

“Really,” Louis says. “Good luck.”

“Thanks.”

It’s a little awkward and still for a moment. Then Louis adds, “I’m gonna tell him. I think probably tomorrow.”

“Good,” Zayn nods.

“Not ‘cause you said to. Just ‘cause I want to.”

Zayn isn’t fooled. “Okay.”

“But yeah. Kill it out there.”

“Thanks.”

The lads all get called out then, except for Harry. He comes over to Louis and hugs him. “Can I kiss you on the cheek?” Harry asks softly.

“Your management will fire me.”

“Okay. I love you.”

“Love you too, babe. I’ll be cheering for you. Don’t be scared.”

Harry gives a little twisted grin. “I’m not.”

“Good. Go!”

Harry goes. He can’t stop glancing back at Louis, offstage, and Louis can see fans trying to figure out who he is, what he’s doing there. He backs up a little, so he can be sure none of them will see him.

There are a couple breaks in the show, where videos play so the boys can have a moment to breathe. Harry bounds over to Louis like a puppyeach time, even just to drink and towel his hair off near him. “How did we do?” he asks near the end, bouncing with happiness.

“You’re doing fantastic,” Louis tells him. “I’ve never been to a better concert. You’ve got tremendous stage presence, love.”

Harry glows. “What’s that mean?”

“It means I don’t know how anyone could look at any of the other four boys with you just shining the way you do,” Louis shrugs. “You’re just ace at this. I’m so proud.”

Harry giggles. “Thank you.”

Louis pulls him close by the hip and pets once over the little bit of baby fat there before letting go to ruffle Harry’s sweat-damp hair. “You’re welcome, beautiful. Love you. Go finish strong.”

Harry jumps back onstage. While the other boys seem a little tired, he finishes with all the energy of a toddler, smiling at fans and wearing the ridiculous things they throw at him. When he comes off for good, he’s wearing a flower crown.

Louis rolls his eyes. “Ridiculous,” he says sternly.

Harry frowns, a little hurt. “I am not. I think it looks nice.”

“Whatever.” Louis sighs. Before he can do much more, Aiden is upon him, trying to take a kiss. Louis shoves him away. “Get off me,” he snaps. Zayn steadies him with a hand on his back. Louis just wants everybody off of him.

Gently, Harry takes Louis’ wrist and leads him away from the crush of boys. “A car,” Harry says to one of the bodyguards. “The back door, ten minutes.” The guy nods and makes a call. They follow him down a cement corridor. “Paul helps me get away,” Harry says softly. “It can be a bit much sometimes.”

“Yeah, you’re telling me.” Louis looks behind them, then scratches Harry’s back a little. “You feel okay, at least?”

“I’m fine. We’re, um. Actually going to our surprise tonight. So. If that’s okay?”

“That’s great,” Louis assures him. “I just want to hold your hand right now. When do I get to do that?”

“Is there anyone behind us?”

Louis glances. “No.”

“Then.” Harry takes Louis’ hand, linking all of their fingers together. “Paul won’t tell anybody, I swear. I won’t jeopardize your career.”

“What’s left of it.” Louis makes a face.

Harry just squeezes his hand tighter. “Yeah. I don’t want you to be ruined. I love you. So the surprise is going to start tomorrow, though. Even though we’ll be there tonight. Is that…”

“That’s fine, Harry, honestly, don’t freak out,” Louis says, a little irritated. Harry just smiles some more. His smile only grows when Louis remembers to say “And I love you too.”

Harry swings their hands a little. “Um. And don’t even worry about your stuff. I kind of had it sent ahead? So.”

“Cheeky,” Louis narrows his eyes. “What if I change my mind, last minute?”

“Then I could send it back,” Harry says, just hesitating for a second.

Louis squeezes Harry’s hand. “I’m just taking a piss. Don’t worry. I love you just as much now as I did before the show.”

Harry sighs happily, sounding a bit like a teenage girl. “Oh good.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Louis informs him. “I should be furious with you.”

“Why? And why aren’t you?”

“For being so fucking damn adorable, man. It should be illegal. And I have no idea why the hell I’m not. Probably because you’re too cute for your own damn good. And also because I’m sort of in love with you.”

“Stop it,” Harry blushes. “Paul thinks you’re being disgusting.”

“No he doesn’t. He thinks I’m charming and witty.”

“Paul, isn’t he disgusting?”

Without turning around, Paul says “I have no comment on the matter.”

“That’s code for I’m right,” Louis informs Harry.

“If you were right, he’d say you’re right.”

“No, because you pay for him,” Louis says. “He wouldn’t disagree with you. Even though you’re beyond spectacularly wrong. I’m the cutest thing on the tour. And I’ve got the best ass.”

Harry laughs. “I’m gonna give you that one.”

“You’d better, if you ever want to touch this glory again.”

“Now that’s disgusting,” Harry pretends to be disapproving.

Louis bumps Harry’s hip with his own. “You love it.”

Harry puts his arm around Louis’ shoulder. “Yeah.” They’ve turned a last corner, walking the last few feet to a door and Harry takes advantage of the relative privacy to kiss Louis’ cheek. “I do. You’re beautiful. Very funny, or whatever you said. All the things.”

“Y’know, it’s not exactly a successful relationship if you just give in to whatever I say,” Louis teases gently. “Just saying.”

“Stop it,” Harry puts his head down next to Louis’. “Shut up. I love you.”

“You’re learning,” Louis says approvingly.

“I guess.” Reluctantly, Harry separates from him right before they go outside. “Run into the car,” he instructs. “Tinted windows. We’ll be safe.”

“’Kay, love.” Louis pats Harry’s ass teasingly. “Go on. Run. I’ll follow.”

Harry ducks his head in a smile and pushes open the door. Louis waits for screams and camera flashes, but hears nothing. “Coast is clear,” Paul says after peering out in every direction. “Go.”

Louis goes. The car door is open; he runs straight in and throws himself over the seat. Harry giggles and closes the door behind him. “Go,” he says, and they start moving.

Harry wants to cuddle, so Louis kicks off his shoes and puts his feet up on the seat. He lets Harry sneak into his lap, snuggle his head between Louis’ drawn up legs and his chest. Louis pets his hair, then rucks up Harry’s shirt to rub his stomach like he’s a puppy. Harry likes it just like one.

“Does the surprise involve spending your day off together, by any chance?” Louis asks when they’re nearly there, tilting his head to one side and smiling at Harry.

“Yeah,” Harry says happily.

“Well. I’d like to spend a couple hours cuddling you like the giant pet you are. If that’s quite alright with you.”

Harry smiles a little sleepily. “What does that mean?”

“It means I’m gonna lay you out in a soft, warm bed and just kind of massage all over you. Not in a sex way, that’ll be later. But you like being touched, don’t you. So I’ll touch you. That’s what I mean.”

“Oh.” Harry sounds very pleased. “That’s okay, yeah. I’ll work that into our schedule.”

“Idiot.”

“You love me.”

“Why do you keep bringing that up?”

“’Cause you really don’t have a comeback,” Harry smiles.

Louis pokes Harry in the cheek. “Idiot.”

“You love me, though.”

“Jesus, I hate you right now,” Louis laughs. “So where are we going, anyways?”

“Umm. Well. We may or may not be going out a tiny little lake house about an hour from here where we can be alone for a day,” Harry says, too tired to be secretive anymore.

“Really?”

”What have we said about ‘really’?” Harry teases.

Louis kisses Harry’s forehead. “Thank you, darling, that’s beautiful. Also ew, you’re really sweaty.”

“Sorry. I’ll shower at the house.”

“Okay.” Louis kisses him again. “I love you. You did great at the show. Not that that’s why or anything. But y’know. I know you’re scared.”

“Less scared now,” Harry offers. “With you… y’know. There. Or kind of, um. Kind of even just knowing you. So.”

Louis pets Harry’s hair. “Now let’s not get soppy.”

“You keep saying that. But are you sure you don’t mean ‘let’s not get too close’?” Harry asks comfortably.

“What’s… what’s your big obsession with thinking I don’t want to be close to you? I’m very close to you right now,” Louis says defensively.

“But like, emotionally though.”

“Vague.”

“You don’t like to get close to people. It doesn’t work out for you.”

Louis can’t deny that. He said that, nearly verbatim. “Yeah,” he has to say. “Yeah, it doesn’t. But not because I try to kill the relationships I’m in.”

“What happens, then?”

“Well.” He could tell him. Right now, right here, he could tell him. “Um. Long story, honey.”

“Tell me. We’ve got a day.”

“Well.”

“Hold on, we’re here,” Harry interrupts. He opens the door and gets out. Louis gets out on his side and looks around. It’s dark, but Louis can see a big body of water with the moon reflecting off of it, and a small, beautiful cottage with a terracotta roof and green shutters. It’s gorgeous, and silent after the car leaves.

“Jesus,” Louis says after a moment.

“You like it?”

“It’s beautiful.”

Harry’s smile glows a bit in the moonlight. His eyes are nearly luminous. “Our stuff is inside,” he says. “But what were you going to say? What happens?”

“Um. Well. I just. Um. My…” Louis hesitates, letting Harry wander towards the door. He’s got keys in his hand, and he’s all too eager to unlock it. Louis doesn’t want to ruin that. “We’ll talk later,” he says.

“No, tell me,” Harry insists. “Please. What is it?”

“Harry…”

“Just tell me. It’s alright, I promise, whatever it is,” Harry smiles.

Louis hates to ruin this. He doesn’t want to say it now, he’s changed his mind, but he knows Harry’s just going to pester him about it. So he’s just going to have to say it some other time, when things are nicer. It’s probably best to just fucking say it, right? As sweetly as he can, or something. He can-

“Please,” Harry says again.

“My mum died.”

Harry drops the keys and his phone. “What?” His voice shakes.

“My mum. When I was eighteen. She died. Cancer. It happened really fast. My stepdad left her and took their daughters. I stayed with her, and then she died. So. That’s the story. I guess it’s not that long. I just don’t like to talk about it.” Louis attempts a smile.

“Are you joking?”

“No.”

After a second, Harry sits down on the stoop and drops his head into his hands. “What?” is all he can seem to manage to say.

Louis sits down next to him, a couple inches away because he knows Harry’s mad at him. He’d be mad at him too. “My mum, um, was my best friend. While I was a kid. And then when she got sick… it was a really late stage cancer, she didn’t have a chance. So a lot of people left her. Or us, I guess. They didn’t see the point in staying around, or they felt too weird. It was her and me the last couple of months. Just us. So when she was gone, I… I mean I pushed everybody else away for her. So there wasn’t anyone left.” Fuck it all to hell, he’s tearing up. He has to stop talking so he doesn’t cry.

Harry speaks up after a second. “Did they come to the funeral?”

“Yeah, they did. They were all for that. It’s not hard to pay your respects after the fact. But they wouldn’t barely talk to me, or… I didn’t. Um. I didn’t get a hug. At the funeral. From anybody. Maybe from my little sisters. But. Nobody, not her side of the family. My dad didn’t come.”

“What did they do, then? If not a hug…”

“I dunno, shook my hand. I know I’m not very… approachable, or anything. I don’t like people touching me in general. So I guess I understand it, but I would’ve liked… I mean I took care of her. I was there for her. So I don’t understand…”

Louis is looking down, so he doesn’t see it coming when Harry attacks him with a hug. Harry holds him tight against his chest and just stays there. “I’m sorry,” he says with genuine sincerity. “I’m sorry, that must’ve been so hard.”

“Yeah,” is all Louis can get out.

“I would’ve hugged you.”

“Okay.”

“So that’s what you meant, when you said…”

“Yeah. When I invest so much in one person, yeah. They die. Or leave, or… they just don’t stick around. It doesn’t go well.”

Harry hugs him longer, doesn’t bother trying to do anything else. It’s kind of nice that he doesn’t try to say anything else; none of it would be right. He’s so different than everyone else. Maybe it could work with him.

“I’m sorry I ruined our vacation day,” Louis says. “But I thought… I mean it was about time I told you, right.”

“I’m so, so glad you told me,” Harry says quietly. “I only want to know to know you better because I love you.”

“Right, but you can’t, like, treat me any different, okay? Do you promise? You can’t do that. I’m exactly who I was a few days ago. Please don’t… I mean… I couldn’t take it. I don’t want to be treated any different,” Louis repeats helplessly. “Please. I’m.”

“Okay,” Harry says. “I promise. I love you just the same.”

“Good. Okay. Um. Is there anything else you’d like to know?”

“I’m not sure. Is there anything else you’d like to tell me?”

“Um. I didn’t exactly… I mean. I guess. I wish I wanted to tell you more. But I don’t like to talk about it, I just. I don’t,” Louis says. “I’m sorry. I don’t.”

“It’s okay,” Harry murmurs. “It’s alright. I’m not going to die. I promise.”

Louis wants to laugh and ends up crying into Harry’s shoulder, literally sobbing as hard as he can ever remember. As hard as he wanted to cry at that God damn funeral. Harry just holds him through it.

“Please don’t push me away,” Harry says when Louis’ sobs have subsided. “Please. I love you. I’m not dying or leaving you, honestly in all seriousness. I won’t. I promise I won’t. I love you so much, Louis, and I’m so sorry that happened. I swear I won’t hurt you like that. Don’t keep me away from you.”

“Okay.”

“Really?” Harry asks hopefully.

“Yeah. I won’t. I’ll… I’m sorry. I just love you. You know I love you. I don’t want to fuck it up, is all. ‘Cause the last time I fucked up… y’know. Someone died.”

Harry’s quiet for a moment. “You know you didn’t kill her, though, right? You really didn’t.”

“No, I know.” Not directly, at least.

“Are you gonna be sad? Would you like to be sad together tonight?”

Louis laughs a little. “No thank you. Let’s go inside and rest up for a great day tomorrow, yeah?”

“Okay.” Harry finally picks up his phone and the keys. He stands up and helps Louis, offering him his hand like a fucking Disney prince.

Louis lets Harry pull him into his arms, pointing his foot dramatically and pretending to swoon.“My hero."

Harry kisses him once on the lips. “You’re mine too. Let’s go in, okay? Doesn’t it look nice?”

“It looks beautiful. Cute wonky roof,” Louis says, cuddling into Harry’s arm. “Is this how they do roofs in Italy? And where exactly in Italy are we?”

Harry opens the door and ushers Louis inside. He only tackles the last question. “On the coast, near Genoa. Far enough away so no one will see, but close enough for like, a hospital.”

“Good Lord, Harold. What kind of sexual activities to you have planned for me that you expect to need a hospital?”

“Not for that,” Harry says patiently. “In case you fall or something. Oh, ‘cause there’s like a bit of a drop down to the sea.”

“Well then how are we supposed to skinny dip?”

“There’s stairs. If we have time,” Harry grins.

Louis kisses his cheek; he’s just so damn adorable. “Alright, babe. Whatever you say. Just get me to a shower and a bed.”

Harry turns the lights on and leads him through a small, beautiful kitchen nook and past the living room. The ocean-facing wall is almost all windows, green shutters over them for now. Their bags are on the bed, which is separated from the rest of the cottage by a carved screen. It’s beautiful, intimate, and classy.

“You shower first,” Louis says. “Please. I’ll air the house out a bit, okay?” He needs a little time to get comfortable.

Harry smiles and nuzzles into Louis’ hair. “Okay. We won’t get robbed or anything. There shouldn’t be too many bugs, but there’s, like, mosquito coil…” He yawns. “I mean.”

“I know what you mean. I’ve got it, love. Relax. Shower.” Louis kisses him. “In. Get in. I like you very much.”

Harry blushes. “Okay. Thank you. I won’t use all the hot water.”

“You’d better fucking not."

Harry digs a few things out of his bag and makes his way into the bathroom. He leaves the door open. A few seconds later, Louis hears the water turn on, and he smiles, because Harry is beautiful and showering with the door open. He’s just so trusting. Louis adores him.