chapter 8

The boys do bring it up in an interview, and say just enough to make people think Aiden’s a shitty boyfriend. Louis is in the bus, watching, and he texts Harry to tell him he’s impressed with him. Harry texts him back during a commercial break. hope this makes things easier! xx fingers crossed

While they’re gone, Louis gets a lecture from some lady named Katie or something about how he needs to post more. Louis kind of flat-out refuses. “Look. Write posts up and publish them for me if I don’t make them often enough,” he says. “I don’t care. I’m just terrible at lying and keeping the facts straight. I’d probably give this whole thing away, and I don’t want that, alright?”

She doesn’t disagree with him; how could she? Later that day, a new blog post goes up under Louis’ name, titled Fun Day! Louis is tempted to tell them he already made a post about a fun day, but doesn’t bother. Who even cares.

Harry comes onto the bus when they’re back. Louis holds his arms out as soon as he sees him, motioning him closer. Harry settles down with his head in Louis’ lap. Louis thinks about how he used to push Harry away when he tried this before as he combs through Harry’s hair. It’s so much nicer to let him stay close. And it’s comforting, too, to be wearing one of Harry’s jumpers as a reminder that they’re together.

“Wasn’t too awful?” Louis checks eventually.

“Nope.” Harry’s very content, eyes closed and hands folded over his stomach.

“Aiden seemed pissed off.”

“He’s always angry. And I don’t care. He’s a dick.”

Louis laughs in surprise. “I guess he is. Okay. You can go into the hotel, y’know. If you want. For some sleep.”

“Nah. I want to be around you.”

“Okay.”

“How was your day?”

Louis sighs. “Boring. Shit. Got a lecture from your PR chick. Katie? Or something. About not posting. So now I’ve apparently got a ghost writer or whatever for when I don’t want to write. Don’t even give a fuck.”

“Did you talk to your sister? How is she doing?”

“Yeah, I did. How did you know?”

“You talk to her a lot when you feel bad.” Harry shrugs.

“I don’t feel bad,” Louis tries to claim.

“Right. Okay. So what did she say?”

“I dunno. A bunch of shit about how my other sisters are. And stuff. I dunno.”

“You don’t talk to your other sisters?”

“Not really.”

“So what’s… why?”

Louis considers answering. He decides to change the subject. “When’s your next night off?”

“Umm… we’ve got a concert tonight. Travel tomorrow, concert that night, and another the next. And then a day and night traveling, we get into Milan really late and then a concert the next day and then a day off.”

“So.” Louis counts. “Six days.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s ridiculous, they’re gonna burn you out before you turn twenty.”

“I guess. Can I sleep?”

“Sure, love. Of course.”

“Love,” Harry repeats, smiling.

“Shut up, don’t get soppy. I don’t need that shit.” He kisses Harry’s forehead and pulls a blanket from the end of the couch and drops it over Harry’s torso. He’s too lazy to spread it all out.

Harry giggles and gets up for a second to fix the blanket around himself. Louis isn’t soppy, but he puts a pillow in his lap for Harry to lie on and kisses him again. “Okay, darling. Go to sleep,” he says.

“What are you gonna do?” Harry yawns.

“Maybe amuse myself on my fun new iPhone. Don’t worry about it, darling, sleep and rest up for your concert tonight.”

Harry turns his face towards Louis’ stomach. “Can you come?”

“Um. No, I don’t think so. Sorry.”

“Nobody can see backstage. We could hug anyways. And kiss maybe.”

Louis sighs. “We can talk about it.”

“’Kay.”

Louis keeps combing through Harry’s hair as he drops off to sleep. He realizes he’s smiling at the top of Harry’s head and immediately wipes his face clean. He loves Harry so much, though, it’s hard to keep a straight face. And Harry is so God damn adorable in his sleep.

Niall comes in next, already shirtless and eating a sandwich. He plops down on the floor and turns on a football game. Liam is in next; he sits on the couch opposite them. And then Zayn; he leans against Liam’s shoulder and gives Louis and Harry a long look. “How is he?” Zayn finally asks.

“Tired.”

“I’m tired. Can you comb though my hair?” Niall asks.

“Will you make out with me and buy me an iPhone?”

“Probably not both.”

“Then sorry, mate. You’re on your own,” Louis smiles.

Niall falls asleep anyways, and Zayn too, slumped over on his side. Louis gets all soft and mushy when he looks at them, and then he feels like an idiot because Liam’s watching. “Can you get them blankets?” he asks. “The bus is cold.”

Liam gives him a look. “Sure. Um.” He gets up and puts a blanket over Niall a little haphazardly.

“Make it look nice, he’ll get drafty,” Louis instructs. Liam obeys. The blanket he puts over Zayn is much more orderly. “Very good. Ten points. Ace blanket-er.”

Liam snorts, sitting back down. “Good. Okay.”

“You can sleep. I’ll make sure nobody draws a dick on your face. Unless it’s me,” Louis adds.

Liam almost smiles, but he looks very solemn. “How old are you?” he asks.

“A lady never reveals her age,” Louis says with dignity, then adds, “Twenty.” Liam giggles, and Louis is surprised. “Why?” he asks.

“Well. You’re kind of… I was just thinking. Do you sing?”

“I can, I guess.” Louis shrugs. “I was in musicals and shit. Almost tried out for X-factor, actually, I think your year. Wouldn’t have made it that far, probably.”

“I was just thinking, though. Like what if you were in the group instead of him. It’s stupid, I know. I was just thinking,” Liam finishes. “’Cause. Well. Aiden wants to be the leader. And I feel like I should be. And Zayn kind of is by default. But you just are. A leader, I mean.”

Louis stares at him for a long moment. “Why do you say that?”

“We’re all gravitating towards you, aren’t we. You’re just somebody that writes about us, and we all want to be near you. And Harry’s fallen in lovewith you.”

Another long pause. Louis is kind of stunned. “I guess… um. Well, maybe.”

“And you bring everybody together. Aiden tries to set us against each other.”

“Okay. And what’s the point of all this?”

Liam shrugs. “I dunno. I think Harry won’t be the only one who wants you to stay,” he says after a moment. “I think we all do.”

“Not Aiden.”

“Well.”

Speak of the devil. Aiden comes barreling back there, tripping over Niall on the floor. “It’s so quiet and boring back here,” he says loudly. “Jesus Christ. Everybody get up!” Before Louis can stop him, he plops down on top of Harry’s legs, startling him awake.

Louis does what he can to soothe the room back quiet. He nudges Niall’s ankle and pets Harry’s hair. Gently, he strokes down Harry’s spine, holds him close. “Sorry,” he murmurs. “Go back to sleep.”

Harry pulls his legs out from under Aiden without really opening his eyes. He’s exhausted, so even though there isn’t enough room for him to properly lie down with Aiden there, he goes back to sleep anyways. He curls up on his side, so he’s almost spilling off the couch, and closes his eyes again. Louis rubs his back and then scratches gently. “Sleep,” he murmurs.

“Getting handsy with everyone, aren’t you,” Aiden says, watching him.

Louis flushes a little, keeps his eyes trained on Harry’s sleeping face. “Guess I am.”

“You want a round two?”

Louis feels Harry’s hand clench a little around his thigh. “No,” Louis says carefully. “That’ll never happen.”

“Careful. Remember who’s paying for-“

“Sleeping with you was never part of the deal,” Louis snaps. “And I wasn’t your only fuck that night, I’ve heard, so you should watch what you say. Now either shut it or leave. Everybody’s trying to sleep.”

“You-“

“Stop it, A,” Liam speaks up. Louis looks at him in surprise and sees Zayn has opened his eyes a little, just enough to give Aiden a hard stare, backing Liam up.

Aiden leaves, mumbling something about “fucking prima donnas” and purposefully tripping on Niall again.

“Sorry, lads,” Louis says after a moment. “That was my fault.”

“No worries,” Niall says from the floor.

“S’fine,” Zayn murmurs, and Liam nods.

Harry hauls himself up and kisses Louis on the cheek before relaxing back down. He lies on his stomach over Louis’ lap and laces the fingers of one hand with one of Louis’. “I love you,” he says. “I’m proud.”

“Thanks,” Louis smiles a little. “Just sleep.”

With little sniffling exhale, Harry obeys. Louis feels a little like a lion, from how he protected the lads. Maybe he is a bit of a leader. He likes it. It makes him feel more in control. He traces shapes on Harry’s back and adjusts the blankets over Harry’s shoulders. “You’re beautiful,” he tells him. “And I’m a bit shit.”

Harry doesn’t answer. Of course.

“I should write about how beautiful you are. That’s my job, right? I’ll write it and just use pronouns. I promise. And I know that you read every post, so I know you’ll see it.” Louis is very pleased with his plan. He nods a bit. “Yes.” He starts it on his iPhone. Harry set it up so he can post from there if he wants.

So there’s this boy. And I’m kind of in love with him.

I know you’re all rolling your eyes, but I swear, I properly really am. He’s handsome and kind and just goofy. Immature, definitely, and stupid as hell sometimes, but cute enough to get away with it. And he does all the most beautiful things for me. Grand gestures, little stupid gestures, and everything in between. Please don’t ask; I’m not allowed to tell. You’d probably die of a cuteness overload. He’s not who you think he is; that’s all I’ll say.

I know my posts have been rather sparse and unimaginative, and for that I’m terribly sorry. A man can’t have 365 good days, I’m sorry. I swear, you’ll hear about anything major I’m allowed to disclose. Just know that I really, really love this lad. The whole band, really, with one major exception.

Thanks for sticking with me.

 

Day 84: Travel

I hate traveling. There. I said it. I absolutely despise spending time getting to a place when you know you’ll only have to go back to where you started. It’s doubly worse on a world tour that’s basically a giant circle.

So today’s kind of a nightmare. Today, we’re traveling for fifteen straight hours. Not including food and bathroom breaks. I don’t know whose bright idea it was, but they assure me there’s a “schedule” or some shit. Whatever. I just hope nobody else wants any biscuits. I get munchy when I’m motion-sick.

Louis is writing an actual post. He’s surprised with himself. His heart really isn’t in his writing anymore. What’s the fun in telling the truth when it has to be so studiously edited? But here he is with a bottle of water under his arm, and inspiration just struck.

“Louis,” Harry whines, and Louis’ concentration is immediately shot. He turns off his phone and walks from the kitchen area of the bus back towards the bunks, where Harry’s waiting.

“I’m coming,” he sighs. “Don’t have a cow.”

“I’m cold,” Harry complains as Louis pulls aside the curtain.

“Not my fault.”

The bunk is small. Louis can barely stay in without clinging to Harry. He doesn’t mind. He crawls on top of him, bracketing his hips with his legs and leaning down close to avoid the ceiling. He kisses Harry a couple times, first on the lips and then in the tickly spot behind his ear. He makes Harry turn his head so he can reach. “Still cold?” he asks.

Harry shakes his head a little, still keeping it to one side like Louis wants. “You’re like the sun,” Harry smiles. “My sun.”

Louis can feel how stupid he looks right now, smiling down at Harry’s face in profile, at the wispy curly baby hairs at his temple and the back of his neck. He doesn’t care. “You’re certainly pale enough to be the moon,” he finally says.

“That’s good,” Harry says, smile growing. His eyes go crinkly at the corners. Louis touches the creases with a fingertip. “We fit together,” Harry continues, a little nonsensically. “Like shoo-bop shoo-wadda-wadda yippity boom de boom.”

“I regret the day I ever told you I was in that,” Louis sighs.

“Not just in it. You were Danny.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Louis lets Harry’s head back normal and weaves his hands in Harry’s hair on either side. “We just kinda fit, though, don’t we,” Louis says softly after a moment.

“Yeah,” Harry sighs happily. “I mean. Well. I think it’s a miracle that you didn’t hate me. You’d probably hate everybody else like me, wouldn’t you?”

“Yep.” Louis moves Harry’s head back and forth a little, making him first nod and then shake his head. Harry keeps his muscles limp and lets him. “But not you,” Louis adds. “Just so you know.”

“Oh, I know,” Harry says smugly.

Louis rolls his eyes. “Twat.” He settles down on Harry’s chest and slots their legs together. “You don’t kick in your sleep, do you?”

“Did I kick before?”

“How the fuck should I know? I was asleep.”

“Oh, right,” Harry says, very clearly humoring him. Louis doesn’t mind being humored. He lets Harry clasp his hands together around the small of Louis’ back to keep him close. “No, I don’t,” Harry adds after a moment.

“Good. Do you get gross and sweaty? Because you’re shirtless, y’know, and that’s a problem. I don’t want to wake up stuck to your chest.”

“No, I don’t think so. I run pretty cool.”

“Okay.” Louis cuddles a little closer, fitting his head underneath Harry’s chin. Harry pets at him a bit hesitantly, just moving a few inches in the curve of Louis’ back. He stops where the swell of Louis’ bum starts. “You know, babe, I don’t mind if you touch me,” Louis murmurs.

“Okay. We just haven’t yet.”

“I know. Haven’t had the time, have we? It’s not because I don’t want to, love, I promise.” Louis tickles at the waistband of Harry’s boxers. “You can touch me,” he prompts again.

“But… well. I don’t know… how? Um.”

“Flip.”

“What?”

“Flip over, flip us. Me on bottom, you on top.” Harry obeys. He’s so long, his head is on the pillow next to Louis and his feet reach past Louis’. The instant Harry’s weight is on him, Louis groans. “Fuck. You’re a big lad.”

“Sorry.” Harry folds up his legs on either side of Louis so he’s crouching a little, taking some of his own weight.

“It’s fine, love.” Louis kisses Harry’s neck gently, scratches a little at the nape of his neck. “Alright. So. Here’s what you can do. I mean first of all, don’t panic about getting it right, yeah? You’ve got lovely big hands, you’ll be ace. Just breathe, yeah, and relax.”

Harry obeys, going heavy and limp. “Good, just like that,” Louis murmurs, kissing him again. “Okay. Just stay like that.”

Louis’ own hands are small, especially when on Harry’s long, thin body. He knows what he’s doing, though. He starts at the small of Harry’s back and pulls up, massaging a little. Then he moves back down again and smooths over the curve of Harry’s little bum. “Just like that,” he murmurs. On his way back up, he cups his hands and kind of cradles him a bit before using his fingernails on Harry’s back, right at his waistband and then a little higher.

“Ass massage,” Harry murmurs, then giggles.

“Did you just laugh at your own terrible joke?” Louis demands. “It wasn’t even a joke, was it. That’s horrible. I should break up with you right now.”

Harry makes a small sound of protest but doesn’t move. “More.”

“Please. Thank you. You’re welcome,” Louis scolds gently.

“More, you’re welcome.” Harry mumbles. He sounds tired.

“’Scuze you. Don’t fall asleep on me just yet, babe, what about my ass massage?” Louis teases.

“Sorry,” Harry sighs. “I’ll… tomorrow?”

“Sure, darling. Now. Let’s get our midday nap. I’ll take care of you, don’t even worry. Just sleep.”

“Don’ have to tell me twice,” Harry slurs a little.

“Just one concert, darling, and then a day off, yeah? For both of us.”

“Yeah.” Harry sounds like a very contented child.

Louis really needs to learn when to shut up. He pets gently over Harry’s smooth, pale skin, and kisses Harry’s cheek and hair. “Beautiful. So beautiful,” Louis murmurs. Harry wiggles a little, too happy to stay still, and Louis pats the little curve of his bum. “There you go, babe. Get comfortable.”

Harry adjusts after a moment, unbending his legs and extending them all the way. He falls a little to one side, so he doesn’t crush Louis, and bends his legs up a little, crossing his ankles in the air – a bit like a teenage girl, Louis thinks fondly. He likes that, for some reason. He’s never had any patience for fey boys, but he likes this one. He likes this unconscious femininity. It’s special, how gentle and soft this boy is. It’s his responsibility to protect him. He doesn’t want to see Harry ruined by the world any more than he already has been. He’d like someone to be able to keep their innocence around here.

Harry sniffles a bit and settles in closer. He turns his face into Louis’ neck and nuzzles in. “Love ya,” he murmurs.

Louis brings one hand up into Harry’s hair. “Love you too,” he murmurs. He doesn’t know why, but he feels strangely like crying. Instead, he falls asleep. He dreams about being Spider-man in the Sahara desert.

His dream makes a little more sense when he wakes up and feels Harry’s warm blanket of a body draped over him. Harry’s clinging to him tightly. Louis tries to pull free and fails.

Slightly defeated, he checks the time. It’s four in the afternoon; they slept for six hours. That’s all the catch-up sleep Harry needs, Louis decides. He begins to coax him awake. “Harry,” he says softly, scratching at the base of his spine. “Wake up, kid. C’mon. Time to get up.”

Harry stirs a little, takes a deep breath. “No,” he grunts.

“Yes. Wake up or you won’t get a minute of sleep tonight. Wake up right now, or I will dump you onto the floor,” Louis says, adopting a stern tone. “Now. And I do mean it.”

Harry takes another breath. “But I’m comfy,” he complains.

“Tough shit. Wake up and be comfy.”

“No.”

Louis is nothing if not a man of his word – when it suits him, at least. Abruptly, he pushes Harry over the side of the bed. Harry yelps and crashes down with a clatter of limbs. “Louis,” he sighs from the ground. “Why did you do that?”

“Warned you,” Louis says unapologetically.

“Been sucking his dick in there?” Aiden speaks up from outside.

Louis glares out from under the curtain. “Y’know, just try to figure out the logistics of that with somebody Harry’s size,” he speaks up. “It wouldn’t work. You know that well and good. Don’t be thick.”

Harry gets up and tries to duck in bed again; Louis holds him off with a hand.

“It might,” Aiden is saying.

“Yeah, well it doesn’t. Get someone Harry’s size and try it yourself,” Louis says.

“Lend me Harry, then, why don’t you,” Aiden says sarcastically.

Harry looks at Louis with a little panic in his eyes. Louis notices his pupils are blown strangely wide. Maybe it’s the dim light. At any rate, he doesn’t say no right away. He lets Harry worry a little, to tease him. “Not today,” Louis finally says sarcastically. “Haz, c’mon.” He lets Harry back in bed, then, backs against the wall to give Harry room.

Harry crowds against him, though, and Louis feels Harry’s cock is half-hard. “What’s this?” Louis asks, frowning. Harry wasn’t hard a moment ago.

Harry blushes. “I dunno,” he mumbles.

“No, yes you do, what is this? You have a thing for being pushed out of bed?”

“No,” Harry denies. Louis thinks he’s telling the truth.

“Then what?” Harry doesn’t answer, so Louis thinks. “It’s not Aiden.” Harry shakes his head in agreement. “You like sucking cock?”

“Never done it before. Maybe.”

“But that wasn’t it. What about… the lending thing? I was just kidding about that. I wouldn’t…” Louis is baffled.

“I know.” Harry’s blush seems to imply that this is it.

Louis pushes. “Would you want me to?”

“Well. I’d. I would. Though. And if you asked…”

Louis lowers his voice to a whisper. “What. You like the idea of me letting other blokes use you? Just anonymously fuck you, yeah?” Harry’s harder. “Pass you from lap to lap. They wouldn’t care who you were. They’d use your pretty face and little bum however they liked, while I watched. And then I’d get you after. When you were dirty and loose and used. Y’ever thought about that?”

“Not in so many words,” Harry gets out.

Louis snorts and kisses Harry’s now-sweaty forehead. “Just dirty talk,” he says. “I wouldn’t. Ever.”

“I know.”

“No, you don’t, because I’ve known you all of three months. Just take the reassurance. I wouldn’t. I don’t like sharing. But you’ve gotta admit, it sounds kinda hot.”

Harry gives a strangled laugh. “Kinda.” They’re both very aware of Harry’s hard on pressing into Louis’ leg.

Louis pats his hip. “I’ll go make sure the coast is clear for you to slink off to the loo,” he teases.

“Or… well, or you could help,” Harry suggests bravely. “Your fault anyways.”

Louis is getting a little hard himself. Harry’s really kinda beautiful when he’s desperate. “Yeah? How would you have me do that?”

“I don’t care.”

“Could you stay quiet? Cuz I’m not gonna take any shit from the other lads.”

“Sure,” Harry agrees quickly. “Yes.”

“Hold on. I’m gonna get some tissues.” Louis crawls over Harry and out of bed to the loo. He gets a handful of tissue and sneaks back. All the other lads are watching a film in the back lounge room. Louis begins to plan how to convince Harry to go join them after they’re done.

Harry’s got his boxers off already. Louis blinks a couple times when he sees Harry’s cock. “Well,” he says. “Goodness. You’ve been blessed.” Harry flushes from the comment. “Might not want to lie about naked, though. Anybody could come into the bunk and see you.” He reaches down just in time to feel Harry’s cock twitch. “You’re a kinky little shit,” Louis murmurs close to Harry’s ear. “You’re lucky I like you.”

“Please,” Harry whispers. “You can tease all you like, just later, please. Later.”

Louis kisses Harry’s cheek. “Okay. You need a little more-“

“Just like this, please.” Harry finds Louis’ lips and kisses him, letting Louis swallow all his little whimpers as Louis jerks him off. Harry’s mouth falls open as he comes. Louis nips Harry’s lower lip and catches the mess in the tissue.

“So polite,” Louis kisses Harry’s lips. “It’s cute.”

“Thank you,” Harry murmurs contentedly, and turns onto his stomach.

“No, no no no. Don’t go back to sleep. You’ll be up all night,” Louis scolds.

“I promise I won’t,” Harry says in a small voice. “Please, I’m tired.”

“Be tired near everybody else. Sleep later. Get up.”

“No. And if you try to throw me out, I’m taking you with me.”

Louis doesn’t fight. He sighs and pats Harry’s back. “Should I stay?”

“You don’t have to.”

“Do you want me to?”

Harry nods, face smushed into the pillow. “But you can go watch the film with the lads,” he says. “I wouldn’t mind.”

Louis sighs. “No,” he decides. “I’ll stay.”

“Why?” Harry asks, obviously happy.

“To set a good precedent. Me not leaving after sex.”

“Is that something you’d usually do?”

Louis bites his lip. “Not with you,” he says evasively.

“But with other people, though. Does that… did that happen?”

“Well. Yeah. Bit of a partier, y’know? The one night stand type. I guess whether they wanted that or not. So.”

“I’m kinda scared,” Harry says softly. “Scared that you’ll get that way with me. After we have sex. So I kind of don’t want to.”

Louis kisses his cheek very gently. It’s not the time for lips, he thinks. “Okay,” he says. “That’s fair enough. I won’t pressure you for anything you don’t want. I love you. You said I’m your best mate, love. I don’t want to… to jeopardize what we are. I love you,” he says again, just to make sure. “And I’m not going to leave you. You can be sure of that.”

“Is it bad that I’m not?”

“No.”

“I feel bad,” Harry pouts.

“Okay. That’s your problem.” Louis stays on his side facing Harry and pets over the swell of his ass. “You’re… though. You’re. Well. You’re somebody to settle down for,” he says awkwardly. “Somebody I’d settle down for.”

Harry smiles and hides his face in the pillow. “Oh.”

“You calm me when I’m freaking out. You take care of me. You’re just like a giant awkward ball of everything nice and good and sweet, and I want to be around you all the time.”

“Thanks.” Harry wiggles closer and presses his nose against Louis’ shoulder. “I feel like the room’s brighter when you’re in it,” Harry confesses.

“Aw, c’mon. That was way more eloquent than what I said,” Louis complains. “That’s not fair. Showed me up.”

Harry kisses Louis’ shoulder. “Did not. Yours was way sweeter.”

“We’re running into this all backwards,” Louis says softly, trying not to sound scared. “We’re doing this wrong.”

“How? We went on dates, we started dating, and then we said I love you, and we’re starting to think about having sex. That’s the right way, right?”

“Well. I guess traditionally or whatever,” Louis rolls his eyes.

“What are you used to?”

“Denying it until they leave me and even after that. Or hearing it after they fuck me and feeling kinda grossed out.” He doesn’t know what about Harry makes him feel so honest all the time. Probably how Harry never tries to hide anything from Louis.

Harry pulls Louis into his arms and kisses his forehead. “I’m not gonna leave you,” he promises.

“I know.”

“I didn’t leave you when you slept with Aiden.”

“I know.”

“You don’t have to punish yourself for stuff. I promise I can be angry on my own. And it doesn’t help anything. It doesn’t even make you feel better. And you feeling worse doesn’t do anybody any good.”

“If I deserve it, though.” Louis doesn’t have the energy to finish that sentence.

“You don’t. You already feel bad when you’re like that. You don’t have to feel worse. That doesn’t help anybody.” Harry kisses Louis, his forehead and eyebrow and eyelid, then the inside corner of his eye, the side of his nose. “Please don’t.”

“You don’t know who I am, though, or…”

“You keep saying that. But I think that’s the last reason you have why we shouldn’t be close. I think I know you. I think you didn’t mean to tell me, but I found out anyways.”

“Is that… but do you think I know you?”

“I think…” Ironically, Harry has to think. Finally, he says, “I think you’ve known me since I tried to kiss you. But I don’t try to keep as much back. And you understand a lot more.”

“I push you away,” Louis says, testing out the idea.

“Yeah, I think so. I think you push everybody away, because – I don’t remember how you said it, but because you don’t think you’re allowed to get close to people? Or…”

“It doesn’t go well when I try.”

“Yeah, that’s it. Why do you think that?”

Louis takes a deep breath. The bunk smells like sex and Harry and laundry detergent, and Louis feels altogether too comfortable. “Conversation for another time, my darling. We can talk about it later, okay? You’re tired. I know you are. Just sleep, I’ll stay with you.”

“Thank you,” Harry says from the heart. “I love you.”

“I know you do, dearest. I love you too.”

Harry snuggles down so his face is back safe in the crook of Louis’ neck. “I’m never gonna be happier than I am right now,” he says softly. “I hope you settle down with me for permanent.”

Louis doesn’t say he won’t, but he knows better than to promise anything. He knows life isn’t always that kind. He kisses Harry. “Me too,” he says softly.

Harry closes his eyes and starts to drift off, and Louis is on his way as well. Then, he sits straight up, hits his head, curses, and lies back down. “Shit fucking hell,” he says darkly.

Harry’s giggling from the safety of Louis’ arms. “What?”

“I hit my fucking head, what do you think.”

“No, why’d you sit up like that?”

“Were you hitting on me? When you tried to get me a drink on New Year’s Eve. And then at the gay bar? Was that you trying to get in my pants?”

Harry straight-out laughs. “Yes. Did it really take you that long to realize it? I thought I was way more awkward than that.”

“You are, I’m just more clueless than you think, I guess.”

“I guess so,” Harry says, still giggling. “That’s so funny, that you just got that.”

“Shut your fucking mouth, dick face. Go sleep or whatever.”

Harry won’t stop laughing, and Louis just gets closer to joining him every second. “You’re like an angry cat,” Harry finally says. “You think you’re a lot scarier than you actually are most of the time.”

“Shut up, I’m terrifying.”

“I hope your head is alright.”

“I’ll recover,” Louis grumbles. “Just cut it out and sleep, dork.”

“I’m not tired now.”

“Well, get tired.”

“We could do other things,” Harry murmurs, trying to be seductive. “To tire me out so I sleep.”

“Shut up, or I’ll leave.”

“Why does it have to be on your terms?” Harry pouts.

“Because we both have to want it, and I don’t want it right now.” Louis doesn’t know what he’ll do if Harry says no. Probably just give in. It’s not like he doesn’t deserve that anyways.

Harry surprises him by kissing his cheek. “Okay,” he says. Reassuringly, he pets Louis’ arm, shoulder to wrist. “Don’t shake,” he adds softly. “I’m not being scary. I was kidding, I’m not going to force you to… or anything. I love you, Lou, really. I won’t make you. I’m sorry, I won’t. Here, you be on top.” He gets on his back and motions Louis over. “Please. I’m sorry.”

What is Louis supposed to do? He throws his arm over Harry’s chest and puts his head over his heart, links his ankles around Harry’s legs. “Okay.”

“Why are you scared?” Harry sounds hurt.

“Because you’re a pop star. And I’m a kid who talks too much and who nobody believes. So. I mean, I don’t think I’d stop you. But I wouldn’t even have the option. And I’d like to at least have that.”

“You do have the option,” Harry promises. “I swear you do. I’ll kill myself if I hurt you, I’m sorry. I’d arrest myself. I’ll always, always believe you.”

Louis is blushing. “Stop it. You’re tired. Go to sleep.”

“Am not,” Harry yawns. “Damn it.”

“Sleep. We can do this whole thing in the morning. Or night. When we wake up. Catch up on your sleep, though, I’m worried about my little boy.” Louis reaches up for Harry’s hair and combs into it. “My little pop star. Rest up, okay? You’ve had permanent purple circles under your eyes for like a month.”

“We’ve barely been on tour a month,” Harry points out.

“Exactly my point. Do it. If not for yourself, than for me. Please for me?”

“Okay. For you,” Harry kisses his hair.

“Good.”

“I have another surprise for you. In Milan. Is that okay?”

“Is it a good surprise?”

“Yeah, I think so. But you can still turn it down if you want.”

“’Cause you won’t make me or whatever?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” Louis kisses Harry’s chest. “Fine. Thank you.”

Harry hums in quiet agreement. Within five minutes, he’s back asleep. Louis is left listening to his heartbeat and feeling the rise and fall of his breaths. He realizes belatedly that Harry’s still naked. It’s somehow really intimate, feeling his soft cock against Louis’ thigh. It kind of makes Harry feel quite a bit younger to Louis. Of course Louis isn’t going to leave him. A boy who can sleep naked on a bus next to him without any sex involved is a boy who Louis wants to stay with. Kind of maybe forever.

Louis falls back asleep, too. He’s pretty tired himself. Fuck the blog post today. His ghost writer can do it.