chapter 7

Day 71: Crabs

No, I don’t have them. I’m talking about the animals. Hermit crabs, to be specific. I think the next time someone asks me what kind of animal I’d like to be, I’m going to say hermit crab, as opposed to lion or any of the cool animals I usually say. There’s something to be said about being able to hide inside a shell whenever you’re scared. And quite frankly, you guys are starting to scare me.

I mean, don’t get me wrong; I love a little attention. I appreciate the now hundreds of blogs devoted to my face and admittedly mediocre body. But if you could just keep the stalking and insults to a minimum, I’d really appreciate that.

That’s what I get for traveling with a world-famous band, I guess.

Louis closes his eyes and stops typing. It’s really hard to not make every post a string of apologies and just a bullet list of everything that’s actually true. They’ve kind of gone to shit, honestly, because he can’t stand to put that much time into bullshit.

He’s stopped going to shows at night. He isn’t allowed to hug Harry or the other boys, and Aiden always tries to kiss him, so he just stays in. He doesn’t go out clubbing or anywhere that requires him to pretend he likes Aiden. The tour bus is honestly the most bearable; he can stay next to Harry and let himself relax a bit. But even in the hotels, he starts to feel strung out with stress.

He goes on the single obligatory date/photo op with Aiden that they set up. It took every bit of his concentration to not look like he loathed the boy holding his hand. He spent most of his time ignoring Aiden and thinking about how it’d feel holding Harry’s hand and letting everyone see.

Louis has to pretend he’s closer than ever with the band, but he honestly is just pulling away. Zayn knows too much. Niall’s too happy. Liam’s too disapproving. And Harry, well, Harry loves him and that might be worst of all.

They argued last night. Louis pulled away from Harry’s cuddles for the dozenth time, and Harry said in frustration, “Do you not want to do this?”

Louis had to think about it, which made him feel like shit. “I don’t know, Haz,” he said. “I like doing this. But I can’t… I need some space. Can I just have some space? Just to think.”

Harry nodded. “Sure. Yeah. Just. Um. Text me if you want me, okay? Or if you need anything, even something stupid. I’ll be right there for you.”

“Okay. Thank you.” Louis kissed him as an apology, linked their hands for a moment. “I like you a lot,” Louis promised him.

“I know,” Harry smiled kindly. “But you need space. This is hard.”

“Yeah. Okay. Night.”

And now it’s tomorrow, and he’s spent the past twenty-plus hours in a darkened room by himself. Louis is feeling lonely. No, not that; he’s feeling alone. He feels like doing something drastic. He needs someone to fuck him really hard so he doesn’t have to think about it.

Harry might do it. Aiden probably would, now that he’s out of the closet.

He should call Harry. The boy’s been waiting long enough for it. He loves him, he’ll make it good. But Louis doesn’t want it good.

He dials. “Hey, Aiden?”

It’s not good. It hurts and he’s going to have bruises on his arms. He’s almost in tears by the end. Aiden leaves him as soon as they’re done. Louis stays where he is. He’s not sure he can move without crying.

His phone buzzes. It’s Harry. No words, just a single emoji. That fucking prawn.

Louis does start crying then. His ass really hurts. He should shower, but he doesn’t know if he can look at himself in the mirror.

Someone knocks on the door. Louis winces his way through pulling on a shirt and a pair of bottoms. The walk to the door is almost unbearable. He leans on the doorframe as he opens the door.

Thank god it’s not Harry; it’s a delivery man. But he’s carrying the biggest arrangement of flowers Louis has seen. “Louis?” the delivery man asks.

“That’s me.” Louis hopes his voice doesn’t sound too wrecked. He’s handed the flowers and is left to struggle with getting it onto a table and shutting the door. Somehow he does it. Then he looks at the card.

It’ll be alright. We know the truth. I love you. – your boyfriend

Louis sits on the floor, pulls up his legs and wraps his arms around them. Then he just sobs into his knees.

He can’t stop crying for hours. He manages to shower and pull on fresh clothes, but he still feels absolutely disgusting. He doesn’t know what he was thinking. That was despicable. He hates himself for this. He’s been trying so hard to do the right thing and then he went and fucking did this. Aiden. He fucks everyone up when he tries to get close. And now Harry, this beautiful boy, is completely fucked over. Harry might not know it yet, but Louis just broke his heart.

Somehow he puts together his pieces. He reads the email from Harry’s management saying he reports to them now, not Greg. He figures that serves him right. If he’s going to be a puppet, it might as well go all the way. He reads an update from his sister. He stares blindly at his twitterfeed.

He stays in his room for hours, just crying and trying to figure a way out. There isn’t one. He’s trapped, just trapped. He’s ruined literally his entire life.

He texts Harry. i need you

Harry’s at the door inside of a minute. He somehow lets himself in and practically runs to Louis’ side. “Why are you on the floor?” he asks gently, kneeling next to Louis.

“I’ll get the bed dirty.”

Louis isn’t sure if Harry could even hear him, but he seems to hear just fine. “No you won’t, Lou. Your hair’s wet; you showered, right? So you’re not dirty.”

“You don’t understand.”

“So make me.”

“I’m… I did something really stupid.”

“What?”

Louis can only cry more. Finally he gets his words out. “I broke your heart.”

He feels Harry freeze next to him. “What do you mean?”

“I’m… hurt.”

“Okay. Well who hurt you?”

“Aiden. But I… um, I asked him to.” Louis doesn’t dare look at Harry. He knows Harry’s smart enough to put it together. He doesn’t want to see the moment it clicks, though.

He can feel it when Harry realizes what he means. “Wait. No, you didn’t.”

“I’m sorry, Harry, I’m so sorry,” Louis whispers.

“You… had sex with him?”

“I regretted it the instant it was done, it meant less than nothing, I swear.”

“Why…” Harry’s voice cracks. “Why would you do that? Am I not…”

“It’s nothing to do with you. You’re great. I just… I needed to fuck up, I needed to get something completely, completely wrong, and I’m sorry, I should never have hurt you. I’m so sorry. I really fucked up, I know I did.”

“But why would you… you said we were exclusive.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. There’s no excuse.”

“Is this… your way of saying you want to break up? Or.” Harry’s crying too.

“Not even close. No. I swear it isn’t. It’s… well.” Louis wipes his eyes. “If you really want to know what it is, it’s my way of saying I think I love you too. And I’m terrified to fuck it all up for real. So. Better to do it on purpose. I guess. ‘Cause then, like, maybe we would’ve worked, y’know? If I hadn’t fucked it all up. I can keep telling myself that. And I’d really love for it to work with you.”

Louis is crying harder than ever. He doesn’t register right away when Harry puts his arms around him. Then he realizes and tries to weakly pull away. “Harry, no, you don’t have to-“

“Stop it,” Harry says, his voice almost unrecognizable from how thick it is. “I want to hug you. Stop pushing me away.”

What’s Louis supposed to say to that? He lets Harry hug him. He should probably let Harry do whatever he wants for the rest of forever.

“Say it again,” Harry finally says.

Louis doesn’t know what he’s talking about at first. Then, like a lightning bolt, he does. “I love you, Harry.”

“Again.”

“I love you so much. I really truly love you.”

Harry’s arms tighten so much, Louis can hardly breathe. “You’re not just saying this to make up for…” Harry can’t bring himself to say it.

“Absolutely not. Harry. You gave me an iPhone because you loved me. I accepted it for the same reason.” Louis sounds so stupid; he clears his throat and tries to speak normally. “But it doesn’t go well. When I tell people that. Or even if I think it. So I was trying not to.”

“What do you think will happen?”

“Something like what just did,” Louis says. “I mean, really. Worst case scenario is hurting you, and I think I just did that really efficiently. And I’m never going to regret anything more than what I just did.”

“Was he… was he nice to you, at least?” Harry asks in a small voice.

“No. Harry…” Louis is kind of heartbroken that he has to explain this. “I didn’t want him to be nice to me. I hate myself right now, Harry, you don’t have any concept of how much I hate myself for what I’m doing to you and how I don’t really have any choice.”

“You didn’t have to fuck Aiden.”

Louis flinches. “No, I know. I mean the dating contract, and… that stuff.”

“I’d be nice to you,” Harry says softly.

“I know you would be. If I could, I’d let you prove it right now, okay? But I don’t think I’ll be walking, even. For days.”

“You should’ve called me.”

“You’re right. Absolutely. I’m sorry, I just have these tendencies to self-destruct. And I’m so incredibly stupid. I should’ve told you ages ago, so we could figure it out together.”

“Told me what,” Harry says, a little childishly.

“Told you I loved you. Kind of loved you since you tried to convince me you had a twin, to be honest.”

Harry goes still. “What?”

“Don’t play innocent with me,” Louis says with a watery smile. “You’ve never had a twin named Edward. I know. It’s okay. I honestly just think it’s adorable you made up a person to speak your mind to me.”

Harry’s arms have gone slack. Then he pulls Louis mostly into his lap and plants his face in the crook of his neck. “I thought I was going to have to pretend forever. Or figure out how to tell you. And I thought you’d think I’m mental.”

“No. Just desperate.” Louis pets Harry’s back. “Zayn and I thought it was adorable.”

Harry gives a strangled yelp. “Zayn knows?”

“Well who would you rather I vent to?”

“Me,” Harry pouts.

Louis pets his hair and holds Harry closer. “I love you,” he says. “That’s my point. I love you a lot, and I’m absolute shit at doing it the right way.”

“Might I suggest not sleeping with the person we both hate?” Harry mumbles.

Louis lets out a shuddery laugh. “Yeah, no. Never again.”

“Okay. So. I mean. I blew him and you slept with him. I think. I mean. I think I can get over it. And I, um. I love you too, so.” Harry takes a deep breath. “I want to move on. I want to stay with you. If you please, please don’t do that again. Please?”

“I won’t. But no, are you… are you saying we’re staying together?” Louis says with a small pinch of hope.

“As long as you don’t do anything like that again. Are you going to try to self-destruct again? I mean. I don’t know if I could like, survive that. Okay? Please don’t hurt yourself. I love you.”

Louis lets out a harsh laugh; he’s crying again. “I love you too, Harry. Okay.”

“Okay.” Harry finds his way to Louis’ lips and kisses him. “I love you.”

“I told you I love you too.”

“I know. I just can’t believe it.”

Louis pokes Harry in the side. “Believe it, baby,” he says, convincingly teasing.

Harry doesn’t fall for it. He hugs Louis tighter. “What can I do for you?” he asks. “You said you needed me. It wasn’t for this. Right? This was an accident.”

“Yeah.” Louis nods in a small scared way.

“Yeah. So what did you need?” Harry kisses his hair. “Anything.”

“Um. I should probably shower again. And I have to get out of this room. And I can’t talk to him. And – God – I can’t look at him. He’s going to be terrible.” Louis wants to disappear.

“At least you told me first,” Harry murmurs.

“God. Yeah.”

Harry shakes his head a little. “Um. Right, okay so get up.”

Louis frowns a little. “What?”

“I’m helping you. You needed my help. Get up. C’mon, we’re leaving this room.”

“My stuff-“

“I’ll get your stuff. Just stand, okay?”

“Okay.” Louis focuses very hard on standing. It hurts like hell, he hates it. He can hardly stay upright. “Fuck,” Louis hisses. “Shit fuck fucking hell. Goddamn.”

“What?” Harry is gravely concerned. This time, he kind of should be.

“It hurts,” Louis forces out. “Jesus.”

“Can I help?”

“Yeah, carry me,” Louis snaps sarcastically.

“Okay.” Harry scoops Louis into his arms bridal-style. He’s somehow hanging onto Louis’ bags, too, and still manages to have the presence of mind to kiss Louis’ forehead. “We’re gonna go to my room,” he informs him.

Louis gives in and cuddles against Harry’s chest. “Okay.”

“And then I’m going to put you in the shower. For a long time. Until you feel like you’re clean. And then I’m gonna cuddle you because you love me and I love you, okay? I’m going to take care of you. Don’t destroy yourself, please.”

“I’ll do my best. But I’m not in control anymore. I don’t have any control.”

“Yes you do. You can control us. And, um. Do you want to tell Zayn? Would that make you feel better about it?” Harry’s carrying Louis down the hall like it isn’t even hard.

“He probably already knows.”

“Right, but you can tell him. If you want.”

Louis listens to Harry’s heartbeat and breath as he turns a corner. “I would.”

“Then tell him.”

“After I shower.”

“Sure. Can you knock on this door for me?” Louis reaches out obligingly and knocks. Zayn answers it, frowning a little in concern when he sees them.

“Y’alright?” he asks.

“Louis needs a shower,” Harry says, brushing past Zayn and into the bathroom. Very gently, he sets Louis down on the closed toilet. “I’m turning the water on,” he says. Harry’s really treating him with kid gloves. Any other day it would drive Louis crazy. Today he kind of likes it. It takes his mind of the stinging pain in his arms and ass.

Zayn’s lingering in the doorway. “Did something happen?” he asks.

“Louis’s a self-destructive dumbass,” Harry says shortly.

Louis laughs a little. “He knows me,” he shrugs at Zayn.

Zayn doesn’t smile. “What did you do?”

“He doesn’t want to talk about it,” Harry says after a long pause. “Can we talk after he showers?”

“Sure,” Zayn nods, and leaves the doorway.

Louis feels himself kinda fade without someone watching him. He’s tired and in pain and just mentally, emotionally exhausted. The past couple hours have been miserable for him, and they’ve changed everything again in ways he doesn’t understand yet. He’s scared. So he just doesn’t have the energy to be bright and happy right now.

Then he remembers; Harry’s here, Harry’s watching. But he still can’t bring himself to turn on the charm. When Harry looks back at him, Louis can’t even smile. He just looks back.

Harry goes all mushy in the eyes. “Hey. I’m sorry this happened.”

“Yeah,” Louis tightens his lips. “I’m sorry, actually, though. I’m the one that did it wrong. And who did all this bullshit contract stuff.”

“I’ve got a contract too,” Harry says softly. “It’s why I can’t come out, unless they ask me to.”

Louis hadn’t considered that. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I signed the thing. C’mon, get in.” Harry holds his hand out to help Louis up. Once he’s up, Harry keeps an arm around his waist and helps Louis get his clothes off with the other hand. When he sees the bruises on Louis’ arms, Harry gets sad and angry. “He did this?”

“I… kind of asked for that too,” Louis says, cheeks bright with shame.

Harry is quiet for a moment. “Are you going to want that from me?”

“I don’t want to freak you out,” Louis says uneasily.

“Yeah, but would you want that?”

“I mean… maybe. Maybe sometimes. If everything goes wrong again, then. Probably. But I don’t want to ask you-“

“I’d rather you ask me,” Harry says hesitantly.

Louis blinks in surprise. “Oh. Would you… be able to?”

“I don’t know. But I’d rather try than have you be with someone who actually tries to hurt you. Or have you have sex with someone else,” Harry finishes in a mumble. “If that’s… if that’s alright.”

“Okay,” Louis says, still caught off-guard. “Um. But I’d probably like to have like, normal sex with you before that.”

Harry blushes. “Me too.”

“Yeah. Um. Can I get in the shower now? ‘Cause I’ve been naked for quite some time now,” Louis says with a hint of a smile.

“Right. Of course.” Harry smiles back. “Sure. Okay. I, um. Can I wait here for you? Is that weird?”

“I’m not gonna slit my wrists in the shower, Harry.”

“Right, but you might fall.”

As if on cue, Louis slips getting in and cries out in accidental pain. Harry catches him like a God damn Disney prince, holds him up while Louis’ legs shake uncontrollably. “Y’alright?” Harry asks after a minute.

“I’m… not sure,” Louis admits quietly. “Maybe.”

“What did he do to you?” Harry asks, all innocence and indignance.

“Fucked me really hard,” Louis says bluntly, before remembering Harry will be upset about that. “I mean…”

Harry ducks his head. “No, I. Um. That’s the truth, isn’t it? Don’t be sorry about that. Just, um.”

“There’s a kinder way to say it, though,” Louis says, and kisses Harry’s cheek. “I’m sorry. I said that to make you upset. I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Self-destruct?”

“Yeah.”

Harry carefully puts Louis upright in the shower and makes sure he’s propped against the wall securely. “Don’t do that,” he says, a little disapproving. “I am just trying to take care of you.”

“I know.”

“So I’m going to stay in the room.”

“Well how am I supposed to cry in the shower, then?” Louis asks. He wishes he was joking.

“Don’t,” Harry says gently. “Wait till you’re out and I can hold you.”

Louis considers. “That sounds okay,” he finally says.

“Okay. I’m gonna get you some clothes.”

“Could… um. Could they be yours? I mean, since you’re my boyfriend and since we love each other and all,” Louis says, peeking out of the shower to see Harry’s smile at that.

Harry’s positively radiant. Louis feels a little less like exploding. “Okay,” he nods. “Sure. Anything.”

“As long as it’s cuddly. Jumper or something.”

“Okay.” Harry’s got a big dumb smile on his face again,

“Go,” Louis prompts. “I can wash my hair without adult supervision.”

Harry goes, and Louis washes his hair. He has to concentrate on his breathing for an annoying amount of the time. He just feels like such a fuck up right now. Sure the Harry part is sorted, but literally everything else isn’t. Louis is the one responsible for this. He sold his self-respect for a comfortable near future. He’s such an idiot.

Before that spiral gets too far, Harry comes back. “You feeling any better?” he asks. “Is there anything I can… do? Or.”

“No…”

“Are you sure?”

Louis hesitates. He doesn’t tell people when he feels shit. He doesn’t let himself go dim around them. But this is Harry, and he’s starting to think this is different. So he quietly adds, “Well. Do you think I’m a fuck up?”

“No, Louis, not at all,” Harry says sincerely.

“But I fucked everything up. So.”

“So you made the best of a really bad situation. You did the best you could. But sometimes there’s no good way out. Sometimes you just have to pick the best of a bunch of terrible, shitty options, okay? But we can talk about it if you want, we can try to either get you out of it or… orsomething, okay? Because you don’t deserve this.”  Harry gets all impassioned at the end.

Louis smiles, eyes shut as he rinses off his face. “Thank you,” he says when his face is relatively dry. “Okay.”

“You’re not a fuck up, Lou. You’re trying really hard.”

“Can’t both be true?” Louis mumbles, soaping his chest.

“Nope. I mean maybe, but not this time.”

“How the hell are you not upset about the whole… sex… thing?” Louis asks after a second, even though he’s dreading the answer. “Honestly, how.”

“I don’t know. I think maybe I’ve been there. How you were feeling, or. And I know you hate him. So. It’s not like you even might be attracted to him. I dunno. You told me you loved me. That’s kind of blanking out everything else,” Harry admits, a smile in his voice.

Louis smiles back, then winces as he tries to clean off his ass. “Jesus tap-dancing Christ.”

Harry giggles. “What?

“It fucking hurts, fuck it all to hell,” Louis spits out. “I am such an idiot. I mean what was even the point or… God. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I still love you.”

That’s something Louis has never heard before; he realizes it as Harry says it. It’s never been love despite something bad. He clears his throat. “Okay, um. I’m done. Help me out?”

“Of course.” Harry pulls the curtain back and slips his hands under Louis’ arms. “I’ve got you,” he says a little unnecessarily. His hands feel large and protective over Louis’ rib cage, and he holds tight as he helps Louis step over the edge.

“Towel?” Louis asks. Harry seems a little too content to just look at him.

“Right. Sorry. Okay.” Harry immediately wraps him in a fluffy towel, and then another one just to be safe. Happily, he kisses Louis’ hair and cuddles him. Louis doesn’t say anything, even though it’s making the pain twinge back up. Harry’s particularly gifted at making him feel wanted, and Louis needs that. He finds himself tearing up just from the hug.

“Little breezy,” Louis finally comments, brushing his tears away with the back of his hand. “Clothes?”

“Sure, babe.”

Harry helps Louis into a pair of basketball shorts, then gives him a big soft jumper with the name of some charity run on it which Louis is sure Harry actually ran in at one point. It’s too big on him. The sleeves hang past his fingertips, and the collar gapes over his collarbones. It smells like Harry, like a stale bus bunk and cologne and a little too fruity shampoo, and that musky boy scent Louis has always wondered if was the reason he loves lads. Louis is happy to put it on.

Afterwards, Harry hugs him, a long soothing hug. Louis cries quietly into Harry’s shoulder because he knows that’s what it’s there for. He just cries with his hands locked around the back of Harry’s neck and lets the nonsense Harry’s murmuring comfort him.

When Louis is done, he kisses the crook of Harry’s neck and pulls back a little. “I love you so much,” he says, still a little choked up. “I’m sorry. I do.”

“I believe you,” Harry smiles, pressing their foreheads together and looking weirdly deep into Louis’ eyes.

Louis kind of likes it. “Okay,” he says, and lets Harry spread his hands over the sides of his face to hold him closer. “Okay. Thanks.”

“No problem. You ready to be around people now?”

“Yeah. Long as it’s with you.”

“Well. Duh.” Harry leads Louis by the hand into the bedroom. Zayn’s there with Liam on one bed, leaning against each other comfortably. Liam jerks up when he sees Louis, like maybe they shouldn’t be this friendly, but Zayn just gives him a long inquiring look.

Harry talks for him. “Louis’s staying with us tonight.”

“Is he alright?” Liam asks.

Louis does his best to hide inside Harry’s clothes, or behind Harry’s back. He can’t answer. He’s still crying a little. Harry lets go of his hand to hug Louis close with an arm around his shoulders. “He will be,” he says for Louis.

“You’re… pretty close to our reporter,” Liam says, frowning as he watches Harry help Louis into bed.

Harry wants to kiss him; it’s clear in his eyes, but Louis shakes his head a fraction of an inch so Harry doesn’t. He pulls Louis close against him and his head down on Harry’s shoulder. “He’s not our reporter,” Harry says. “He’s my best friend.”

Louis turns his face in to Harry’s shoulder, nuzzling him a little. “Yeah,” he nods. “And everybody else in the world is kind of being a twat to me, Liam, so I’d greatly appreciate a little less twat-li-ness from you, thank you very much.”

“Okay,” Liam hesitates. “But how…”

“You can tell him,” Zayn speaks up.

“Right,” Louis snorts. “As soon as we get in a circle around a campfire and sing kumbayah together. He was practically throwing a fit about Harry being in my room after a show-“

“Jesus Christ, you’re a judgmental bitch,” Zayn says without any venom.

Louis tears up at that, and feels mental. Harry’s petting his side reassuringly but that’s doing nothing for him right now. He’s a terrible person and that’s a fact.

Louis leans forward and separates himself from Harry. “Look, Zayn,” he begins defensively, already regretting it. “Maybe you’ll have some room to talk after you’ve been manipulated into pretending to date the worst person in the entire world, but right now I’m fucking miserable, and I’d enjoy the chance to sit with my boyfriend and actually feel good about myself for a few minutes without some morally perfect dickhead making me feel like I’m doing something wrong by trying to be happy as long as I can.”

Dead silence.

He dares to look at Harry first. Harry’s glowing, worried but thrilled. He loves Louis so much it’s practically shining out of him. He really would take care of Louis if it came to that. That gives Louis the confidence to look at the others.

Zayn’s inscrutable, just looking at Louis with something that’s between emotions and absolutely unreadable.

Next to him, Liam’s vacillating between shocked and hurt. He’s the first to speak. “Boyfriend?” he hesitates.

“Yep.” Louis pops the P, sounding hard so nothing can hurt him. “As in Harry. Also as in I’m gay.”

“Wait, am I the dickhead?” Liam asks next, still frowning.

“If you’re about to tell me I’m wrong, then yes. You are.”

“Wrong about what?”

Louis shrugs. “Being gay or being in love with Harry or wanting to be near him tonight. Any of the above.”

“Why would that be wrong?”

“Don’t be thick.”

Zayn speaks up. “Liam’s not a homophobe.”

“Oh.” Liam looks surprised. “Yeah, no. I don’t care about that. I mean I guess that’s… cool? But aren’t you not allowed-“

“Your management has me lying about dating the dickhead. It’s safe to say I don’t give a fuck about what’s allowed. I’ve already lost my career.” Louis shrugs. “Might as well be happy.”

“Why’d you lose your career?” Liam asks, sounding concerned.

“Well, I haven’t yet. But I will. You don’t date someone you’re supposed to be writing about and come out of that with a successful career. I’m fucked. There’s no real use denying it.”

Harry pulls Louis close to him and apologizes when Louis squeaks in pain, but he crushes Louis to him only tighter. “I’m sorry,” Harry says. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do this.”

“It’s okay.” Louis pets Harry’s hair. “It’s alright, I know you didn’t mean to. You didn’t even do anything. It’s okay, honey, I promise it is. I’m not mad at you.”

Harry hides his face in Louis’ chest. “I’ll help you find a new career.”

Louis laughs a little, holding Harry’s head close with an arm around it. He kisses Harry’s hair and looks up towards Zayn, almost for confirmation that Harry’s as cute as he thinks he is. Zayn’s still unreadable. “You’re in love with him?” Zayn asks after a moment.

“Yeah,” Louis says after a moment. “Yep, I… am. I mean, I’m a fuck up. But. As long as he wants me. Yeah.”

“No you aren’t,” Harry mumbles. “Tit.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Louis narrows his eyes and kisses Harry’s forehead. “You’re the tit. Dick face.”

“You truly are a master of romance,” Zayn says.

“Wait, so you aren’t actually in love with Aiden?” Liam speaks up.

“No, I’m definitely not,” Louis snorts. “I hate him. He’s a hypocritical twat. The literal worst. They pretty much took my feelings for Harry and twisted them into this lie for Aiden, just because they wanted a gay one and he needed a gay boyfriend. I dunno, it’s stupid. And it’s kinda stupid how much I love this one, though. And I definitely shouldn’t tell you all of this.”

“I won’t tell anybody,” Liam says.

“Good. ‘Cause then I’d have no career and I’d be sued.”

“So let’s get this clear,” Zayn says. “You and Harry had huge crushes on each other for a couple weeks. He came out to you. You were softening towards him and then Aiden decided he wanted to come out and because he’s gay, they let him. They chose you because they could manipulate you. So you’re pretending to date Aiden and actually dating Harry, and both could completely ruin you.”

“Pretty much.”

Liam’s frowning again. “But wait, isn’t Harry gay, then? Why can’t he come out?”

“I’m bi,” Harry says in a small voice. “I like both. But, um, they said people will think I’m making it up for attention. And I think they actually thought that too. So I’m not allowed.”

Louis feels himself getting crystally-hard again, like his protective shell can somehow protect Harry too. “That’s bullshit,” he tells Harry. “You love everybody.”

Harry nods and cuddles into Louis’ chest again, doubling his arms around Louis’ waist. Louis ruffles his hair and keeps his hand there when he looks back at Zayn and Liam. “So. That’s the deal, I guess. Now you know. He’s mine. And it’s unprofessional as fuck and I’m not pretending it isn’t. But. What was I supposed to do? I fell for this dork.”

“Have you tried getting back up again?”

Louis can’t tell if Zayn’s joking or not. He gets sarcastic. “Yes, brilliant advice, thank you. I’ll just stop being in love. Great plan. That’s never worked for anybody else, but I’m probably the single person in the world who could pull that off. Yep.”

“Really?” Harry says in small voice.

“No, not really.” Louis smacks Harry’s head gently. “Stop being insecure.” Liam seems horrified, but Harry smiles and nuzzles close again. “I’m not falling out of love,” Louis says crossly, looking back to Zayn and Liam. “Don’t be idiots. Help me figure out what the fuck to do about it.”

“How long is the contract with Aiden?” Zayn asks.

“End of the year.”

“Does he know about you and Harry?”

“No.”

“Does he like you?”

“No.”

“You think he could maybe do something to get you out of it? If he’s caught cheating on you, that’d get you out of it.”

“Yeah… but I still couldn’t be with Harry, could I. They’d call me a slag.”

“Two guy. Such a slag,” Zayn says flatly.

“Not my fault the media sucks,” Louis shrugs.

“You could be with me anyways,” Harry suggests softly. “As long as we know the truth.”

“Yeah… oh shit, I left your flowers,” Louis sighs. “God damn it.”

“It’s okay. I’ll get you more.”

Zayn snorts. “You like flowers, Tommo?”

“Shut up, I fucking hate flowers,” Louis says irritably. Harry looks hurt, so Louis has to run damage control. “Not your flowers, I like your flowers because they’re from you. Stop it, don’t be sensitive.”

“Well, look. You’ve got my blessing,” Zayn begins.

“Isn’t that a weight off my back,” Louis says solemnly.

“Shut up, lemme finish. You’re really hard, and he’s really not. Maybe in an alternate reality, you two could catch each other before you got like this, but you’ve gotta deal with each other now. Just… try to even each other out,” Zayn finishes a little helplessly.

“Thanks, wise sage,” Louis snorts.

“Why are you saying this?” Harry asks Zayn.

“Because I don’t want to watch you two destroy each other,” Zayn says in frustration.

“We won’t,” Louis says loftily.

“You’d fucking better not.”

Harry pulls Louis close, so his ear is near Harry’s mouth. “Why are you being like this?” he asks. “You don’t have to be like this. I thought you were hurt.”

“Thanks for the reminder,” Louis grumbles, but he feels softer even knowing Harry doesn’t buy his act. “I dunno. Not good at being close,” he finally adds.

“Okay. Well I love you.”

Louis smiles a little. “Thank you. I love you too.” He only winces a little when Harry moves him so they fit together better. “Okay? Questions answered?” he asks the other boys before he lets himself relax.

“Sure,” Zayn nods.

“I guess.” Liam sounds unsure.

Good enough. Louis relaxes into Harry’s arms and the pillows. He really does hurt a lot, and there’s a headache building behind his eyes. Stress migraine, he’s pretty sure. “Do you know where I can get some paracetamol?” Louis asks softly.

“Yeah, I can find some,” Harry answers. “Sure. Does it hurt that bad?”

Louis hesitates. “Well. It’s the headache more than anything else.”

“Want me to get up and get some?”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll get it myself if it turns out to be a problem. Thanks.”

Harry is obviously not happy with this arrangement. He texts somebody for a while, then Louis’ phone buzzes. Another single prawn. He texts back the same this time, and privately decides that it means the same as a heart. The way Harry giggles when he sees it certainly supports that theory.

Niall knocks on the door a while later. “Mind if I sleep in here?” he asks. “Aiden’s fucking some dude. Sorry, Lou,” he adds.

“Don’t be. I’m in love with Harry. This Aiden shit is fake.” Louis can feel literally everyone’s eyes on him. He cuddles closer to Harry. “What. It’s true,” he mutters, and Harry grins.

“It’s true,” he agrees, looking up at Niall.

Niall looks surprised, but not really enough to not have seen this coming. Louis wonders if he’s losing his carefree charm. “Oh. Cool. Okay.”

“Shit, though,” Zayn says suddenly. “Isn’t this the proof you need?”

“Jesus, yeah,” Louis wrinkles his nose. “What’s your brilliant plan, then. Should I sneak in and snap a photo, then tweet it?”

All four boys laugh, and Louis feels a little brighter. “No,” Zayn says patiently. “But in interviews, we can…”

“Oh God, yeah,” Harry says immediately.

“I can help,” Niall agrees.

Louis feels out of the loop. “Wait, what’s going on?”

Harry explains it. “We can’t exactly say everything. But we can kind of… hint at it. In a way so that they ask more questions. And then the reaction of our PR people and everything would make it a story, see?”

“Oh.” Louis is surprised. “That’s an actual… actually a good explanation.”

“Thanks.” Harry blushes and ducks his head.

“Right, so we’ll do that,” Zayn says after a pause. “But sure, Ni, yeah. We can split between this and Lou-“

“No we can’t,” Louis says sharply. “Nope. That room is completely and forever off limits. No one will ever venture into that barren wasteland. Not even for a pet or a child. Nobody.”

“Okay, then we’re all in here.” Niall hops into bed next to Louis.

“Louis is a little hurt,” Harry says protectively. “Be gentle with him.”

Niall is concerned. “Yeah? Oh, I have paracetamol for you.” He pulls a bottle out of his pocket. “You gonna be alright?”

“Yeah, thanks. I’m fine.” Harry deposits Louis’ computer in his lap and Louis smiles at him. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Harry cuddles Louis in under his arm. Louis opens up his laptop and looks at the half-started blog post.

Niall gently lowers his head on Louis’ shoulder. “You writing?” he asks.

Louis bites his lip. He reads the paragraphs about how scared he is and decides fuck it. This blog stopped being about the truth the instant he broke the rules and fell for Harry. He’s not giving them this part of him. Harry gets this part of him, and that’s it.

He highlights and deletes the entire post. “Nope,” he answers. “Not tonight. Fuck it.”

“You alright?” Harry asks softly.

“Yeah, darling, yeah.” He opens his facebook. “Doing fine.” His sister has left approximately a billion wall posts for him. A couple of his other friends have left a few, there’s a couple comments or whatever, but not that much.

“We aren’t allowed to have one of those,” Harry says softly.

“Not missing much. Bunch of drunk photos and shit. Whatever.”

“Can I see yours?”

Louis sighs. “Okay. Sure. I claim veto power, though, to skip shitty pictures of me, because it’s not fair. You don’t have any shitty pictures.”

“I have a bunch,” Harry promises. “They’re all on my phone. And Zayn’s.”

“Too bad. Until I see them, we’re skipping fifth and sixth form.”

“Can I see?” Niall speaks up from where he’s very happily cuddling with Louis’ shoulder. “I’m not dating you.”

“Yeah. Um. No.”

Niall and Harry both laugh, which makes him feel stellar. His migraine is feeling more distant than before. He’s surrounded by two lads who think he’s funny when he’s not trying to be. His job has been lost for a while now, but it’s okay. His life is taking a new direction, though. He’s going to get a new job. And he’ll survive until then.

And they can’t make him write another blog post. They can write it for themselves. He still has a duty to tell the truth, even if nobody respects him for it anymore. And if he can’t do that, then they’re not getting a post about shit and that’s their fault.

“Harry,” he says.

“Yeah?”

“If they kick me off the tour, can you keep me here?”

“I don’t know. Maybe if you like, promise not to reveal anything, y’know? But I’m not sure.”

“Just ‘cause… like I’m not gonna write lies, and I’m kind of useless to them otherwise. I mean, I can fake-date Aiden without being here all the time. Y’know? And I don’t want to be apart. From you. All of you, even. You’re the only ones who know…”

Harry kisses his hair. “I won’t leave you alone.”

“Okay. ‘Cause you’ve got four months left on this tour. And. I’m kinda broke.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Niall speaks up.

“I’d have to live at home. And I don’t know… I mean they paid me half up front. But. I dunno. I don’t want to spend it. I think it feels wrong. So. I’m not sure…”

“We can trade money,” Harry suggests. “I’ll take their money. You can have some of mine.”

Louis laughs. “Okay. We’ll do that. And I’ll sleep guilt-free.”

“And I could fly home to visit you. Like probably every couple weeks at least.”

“Good. But hopefully I won’t have to leave. Maybe they’ll forget about me. I’ll blend in with all of you.”

Harry laughs a little, and pulls Louis half into his lap, displacing Niall. “Hey,” Niall sighs, lying where he fell on the bed.

“Sorry. I need him for a moment.” Harry bundles his arms around Louis and holds him tight. “I really love you,” Harry says quietly. “We aren’t gonna never see each other again. Even if you’re off the tour. We can text, remember?”

“Right. I remember,” Louis says, intending to be a little sarcastic. It just comes out loving and tired. “Can I sleep?” he asks. “Or do you stay up late.”

“Go to sleep, it’s fine. Niall’s already out.” Harry takes the laptop and both their phones and puts them on the nightstand. “Do you need anything?”

“Glass of water?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

Harry hops up happily and fetches a glass of water. “Here you go,” he says when he comes back, all chirpy and cheerful.

Louis eyes Harry suspiciously as he takes his pills. “You sound too happy,” he says. “It’s almost midnight and I cheated on you. What gives you the right to be so Goddamn cheerful?”

“Well. You love me.” Harry cuddles back in. “You love me a lot. I think that’s better than everything else.”

“I love you enough to fuck it up,” Louis mumbles.

“Yeah,” Harry nods. “Exactly. That’s a lot.” He turns off the light. “Do you like to cuddle when you’re falling asleep with your boyfriend?” he asks.

“I don’t know. Haven’t exactly done it before. Would my boyfriend like to try it?”

From the other bed, Zayn groans. “Oh my God, shut up.”

“I think Zayn’s jealous of my boyfriend,” Louis says in a stage whisper.

“I think he’s got good reason to be,” Harry whispers back.

“Flip over.” Harry obediently does so, and Louis pulls him back against his front. He fits his arm over Harry’s slim waist and kisses the back of his neck. Harry links his hand with Louis’ and wiggles back happily. “I love you,” Louis whispers.

“Love you too,” Harry whispers back. “Kiss me again.”

“Okay.” Louis kisses Harry’s neck and pets over his abs gently. Then, for fun, he bites Harry’s shoulder and feels his stomach tense. “Sorry, I’m done, g’night.”

“I want to hug you,” Harry pouts. “Why can’t I hug you?”

“Jesus Christ, so demanding.” Louis pulls at Harry’s hip to flip him back. And truth be told, it does feel a lot better to have Harry warm and large against his back, kind of anchoring him.

He falls asleep like that, and he thinks maybe it’s okay to be content even despite all the shit that happened today. It turned out okay. Harry loves him. The boys like him. It’ll turn out okay.