chapter 6

Harry texts him during the meeting. Louis doesn’t see them until after.

hows it going?

why’s aiden there?

are you alright? you’re not in trouble are you?

just call me when its done please

Louis does that, as soon as his voice is steady. Harry picks up barely after the first ring. “Hold on, this isn’t Harry. Let me get-“ he begins.

“Stop it, shut the fuck up. I have to talk to Harry right now. Okay? Now.” Louis’ voice shakes on the last word. “I just need to talk to him.”

“This is Harry,” Harry says after a second, soft and worried. “I’m sorry. What happened?”

Louis takes a deep breath. “We have to stop s-seeing each other?” Nope, no luck. His voice falls apart halfway though and he can’t recover.

“What?” Harry sounds crushed.

“I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry. I can’t.” Louis can’t think of anything else to say.

“Why?” Harry finally gets out. “I didn’t… did I do something?”

“Nothing, and… nothing’s changed, about how I feel or anything. I still… I still really like you, and I wish… um.” Louis hates crying. His voice gets really stupid when he cries, high and scratchy. “I wish I could kiss you the next time I see you, but I can’t.”

“Was that what the meeting… did they find out? About us?”

“No, they. Um.”

“What?”

“You’re gonna hate me,” Louis says, trying to keep his breathing steady. “I’m so sorry.”

“Tell me what, Lou,” Harry says softly.

“They want me to date Aiden.” Louis thinks he might throw up.

Dead silence. Then, “What?”

“He’s apparently gay, and he’s coming out? ‘Cause it worked with that other boy band. And they want to play it like he and I started falling for each other while I was writing.” Louis has to add. “I know, I know that’s-“

“I’ve been begging to come out for a year.” Harry’s crying. “And that’s my story, that’s how we fell for each other. And he just takes it? And you’re letting him?”

“They threatened my job, I didn’t have a choice. They said either I agreed to it or they kicked me out of the entourage and I’m going home. And I wouldn’t get paid, because breach of contract. You don’t think I didn’t try everything possible to get out of this? I hate him, you know that. You’re the only one I want to date.” Louis curls up smaller on himself from where he’s perched on top of the toilet. “Harry, you don’t understand how hard it was for me to… I was gonna risk everything to be more serious with you. I promise, I don’t want him.”

Harry’s still caught up in his own line of thought. “I don’t think they think it’s a real thing,” he says sadly. “But I really do like both. I don’t care about their bits. I love everyone. But I’m not allowed to say that, because they’ll think I’m making it up for attention.”

“I’m sorry,” is all Louis can say.

“So what, you’re going on like, staged dates with him?” Harry asks after a moment, sounding broken. “In public? And you’re gonna, kiss him and stuff?”

“Jesus Christ. If I can avoid it, no. He’s disgusting, I don’t want him on me. After he’s made fun of you for that? I hate him, Harry, this is making me feel sick, do you understand me? No. But I couldn’t stop anything.”

“So… so why do we have to stop?” Harry says after a second. “If it’s fake with him.”

“Because they told me I can’t be seen with any other lads. They implied one-night stands, and how was I supposed to tell them I just asked a boy out this morning? And you, nonetheless.”

Harry’s silent for another moment. “Okay. So what if we don’t go out. We can stay in all the time. Or go in groups, so it seems like just mates. Please. I want to be with you any way I can, Louis, please. I like you so much.”

Louis takes a deep breath. “We’d have to be so careful.”

“I would,” Harry swears immediately.

“If they got even one picture of your goofy smile at me, we’d be sunk.”

“We could do it. How long do they want you to date him?”

“They didn’t say. Probably at least a couple months, though? I don’t know how these things work. I just got thrown into this.”

“Now you know how I feel,” Harry says sadly.

Louis makes a sympathetic face automatically. “I’m sorry. I still feel exactly the same. I like you exactly the same, and I’ll… yeah. I’ll try it. Why not a little more risk, right?”

“Really?”

Louis hesitates. “Can I have time to think about it?”

“Yeah,” Harry says immediately. “Of course, yeah. I’ll be back, um, in three days, so we can talk then?”

“That sounds good, yeah,” Louis smiles a little. “Is that... I’m sorry, though. You won’t drive yourself mad in the meantime?”

“No. I’ll be okay. You?”

Louis wipes his face. “I’m great, doing great, um. Fine. I’ll be okay.”

“I’m sorry we got you in this position.”

“Me too.”

“It’s alright. We’ll talk later, okay? I, um. I really care about you.”

Louis starts crying again, but he holds his voice together. “Same to you, honey, absolutely the same. See you in three days.”

“Don’t blame yourself,” Harry says quickly. “Please really don’t.”

“Okay. Text me. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Louis hangs up and just cries. Someone knocks on the toilet door. “Go away,” he hiccups. “I’m okay.”

Another knock, and someone calls through the door. “It’s Zayn, Lou, let me in.”

“It’s unlocked,” Louis sighs. Zayn’s in within seconds, with Liam hovering behind him in the door. “What?” Louis asks, trying to wipe his face dry.

“What happened?”

“I’m dating Aiden, I guess. I have to.”

Zayn goes all soft and caramelly in his eyes. He wraps Louis up in his arms tight and lets him cry as long as he likes. “Did you tell Harry?” he asks.

“Why Harry?” Liam speaks up.

“Yeah,” Louis nods. “He’s destroyed. We’re trying, though, to… we’re trying.”

“Okay. You want drinks, or…”

“Wrap me up burrito-style and put me in bed to watch a bunch of shit telly,” Louis says, trying to sound solid.

“Deal,” Zayn agrees.

So that’s what they do. Zayn doesn’t talk much to him, or try to get any more information. He just sits there, and it kind of works.

Eventually, it occurs to Louis that he should finish his blog post. He sees what he wrote this morning and wants to cry. He deletes the whole thing and rewrites something else very similar. Except he can publically admit to loving the twat face. He doesn’t have to keep that secret.

He musters up as much false enthusiasm as he can and edits it to fit his new “love” or whatever. He has to keep it short. The only place he lets himself express it is at the end

303 days till Bye5. Here goes nothing.

Day 64: Nerves

Things have changed in the past few days, as you’re partially aware. The whole story’s kind of complicated; remind me to explain it to you sometime. But right now, I’m really stressed. I’m not used to being in the public eye, so forgive me for any missteps. Please don’t make me look too terrible; I already know I look like shit tired or hungover, and yes, I could work out a little more. Hopefully that’s out of the way now.

I don’t know. I guess I don’t really know what to say. This is all new for me. Kind of feel like I’ll be dumped on for being a gay lad in the spotlight, so could you keep that to a minimum?

This post is kind of a disaster. Louis is waiting in the lobby of the hotel because Harry comes back today. His stomach jumps every time the door opens, and this blog post is just coming out unedited. He can’t stop being nervous, just plain scared that Harry will be hurt or angry or both. He knows that’s pretty much unavoidable, though.

Screaming picks up, and Louis looks up to see Harry walking in with his rolling suitcase. Harry lights up when he sees him, just for a second, then his face falls when he remembers. Louis thinks he might cry.

He gets up and puts his computer down on a little table. Harry’s coming straight for him, and Louis just waits, hands clasped anxiously. Harry drops his suitcase a few feet away and pulls Louis straight into a hug. Louis wraps his arms around the small of Harry’s back under his jacket and takes a deep breath. Harry smells like rain and travel and what Louis suspects is expensive cologne, all mixed with just normal boy smell. Louis likes how he smells.

Harry sneaks a kiss in the side of Louis’ hair. “Hi,” he finally says.

“Hi.” Louis’ voice is already rough.

“How are you holding up?”

“You know, I’m beginning to appreciate the fact that only you would ask that in a situation like this,” Louis says, even though it makes him feel pathetic.

Harry holds him closer. “That’s not an answer.”

“Well, how are you?”

“I’m alright,” Harry humors him. “I’m nervous about… you. And I’m still really pissed off, that… that they’re making you and letting him… y’know. But I don’t want to stop with the two of us.”

“Me neither. But do you really want to date if we… we’ll be in neutral, practically. We can’t kiss with windows around, probably. Do you think that’s…”

“It’s good enough for me.”

“Okay.” They separate, and Louis has to wipe his eyes. “Sorry,” he says quickly. “I’m just… I feel like shit.”

“Yeah? How are you?” Harry asks

Louis shrugs. “I, um. I mean, I said it, really, I feel like shit. I don’t want to date Aiden and I don’t want to hide even more with you. The one person I want to get serious with is the one it’s impossible to. I just… I mean. It never works out, does it. When I want to be close to people.”

“Does it?” Harry asks patiently.

“Yeah. I mean no. It doesn’t work out.”

“So are you… did you decide no?” Harry’s lower lip wobbles just a little.

Louis bites his lip. “No. I decided I’ll try it. You’ll just have to deal with a lot of self-loathing right now.”

“Okay. Well, I got you a, um, present? Would that help?”

Louis rubs his eyes and sags a little. “Jesus. I’m a terrible person.”

“What?”

“You got me a fucking present. And all I did was ask you out and then destroy you by having to take it back. I’m… I’m just sorry. That’s all I can be.”

Harry picks up Louis’ computer and his own luggage. “C’mon,” he says softly. “I’d like to hold your hand but we aren’t allowed. So please, come. To my room. Please.”

“Okay.” So Louis follows him into the elevator and cuddles close to Harry’s chest when the doors are closed. He plants a tiny clandestine kiss on the edge of Harry’s jaw. “I’m sorry,” he says again.

“Don’t be. You’re giving me everything you can.”

“I’m probably going to lose my job. And any possible credibility. Just for taking the dating contract. But I need money, I can’t…”

“They made you sign?”

“Yeah.”

Harry lets out a deep breath and just hugs Louis. “Okay. We’ll work it out.”

Louis cuddles closer. “You’re so nice. I don’t want to be your reporter anymore. Not if I don’t get to just write pages about how sweet you are.”

The doors open and Harry lets go. “You’re different,” he says. “Are you really okay? Are you sure?”

“I never said I was okay.”

“Oh.”

“Just give me time. I’ll be back to my bright and beautiful self,” Louis says, forcing himself to sound chipper.

“I think you’re beautiful now,” Harry says obstinately.

Louis gives him an exasperated look. “Of course you do.”

“Do you have anywhere to be? Later today, I mean.”

“No.”

“Would you just hang out with me? Would you be okay with doing that?”

“I guess. Not like we have another option.”

Harry glances over at him to make sure he’s kidding. “Right.” He opens his door and lets Louis in first.

The room is empty. Louis flops facedown on a bed. He hears the door close and a few seconds later, Harry lowers himself down over Louis. He sneaks his arms around Louis’ chest and presses a kiss to the back of his neck. “How are you feeling?” he asks for the dozenth time.

It’s fair, though. Louis doesn’t just give in and answer like a normal person. Somehow, Harry seems to have already picked up on that. Louis lets out a deep breath. “I’m… just. I want to crawl into a pile of blankets and go to sleep for weeks. I’ve fucked everything up.”

“I promise you haven’t. We’ll be okay. We can get through this.”

“Why are you being so kind? Why are you being so supportive to me? You barely know me. We’ve known each other barely more than two months, and half that time I was being a dick to you.”

Harry kisses his shoulder. “I like you. I just like you. A lot. And I think you’re a good person. And I think you like me too.”

“I do. You’re right.”

“Okay. Then that’s why.” Harry’s fingers are rubbing in little circles over his chest, calming him down. He kisses Louis again. “That’s why.”

“Okay.”

“So how about I take off my jacket and give you your present. And then I’ll wrap you up in blankets and we’ll just spend time together. Okay?”

“You really don’t ask for much, do you,” Louis says, with a lame attempt at his usual blasé humor.

Harry just hugs him tighter. “Okay?”

“Okay.” Louis sits up and Harry gets off him to pull a rectangular package out of his bag. “I hope you didn’t go to Jared,” Louis says dryly.

Harry sighs out a laugh. “Just open it.”

Louis opens it. “Rather big for a necklace,” he begins, then he sees the logo on one side of the box. His stomach drops. “Harry.” Harry doesn’t say anything, and Louis rips the rest of the paper off. “Harry, you didn’t. Jesus Christ, Harry, you got me an iPhone as a casual gift?”

Harry quirks his mouth up in half a smile. “You’re always complaining about yours,” he says.

And that’s just quintessentially him, isn’t it, to combine a grand gesture with a little thoughtful one. Louis is crying before he knows why, holding the damn iPhone box.

“You can set it up whenever you want. And if you want me to enter all your contacts and stuff, I can do that, just so you breathe. And you can have any of my apps if you want,” Harry says, as if the present wasn’t enough, like that’s why Louis is crying. “And you can put all your music on it.”

“I know what an iPhone does, Harry,” Louis says, a little snappy because he doesn’t want to be crying. “Jesus. But what have I done to deserve this?”

Harry shrugs. “Nothing. It’s not about deserving. It’s about me having more money than I’ll ever be able to spend. And you having a crappy phone.”

“Do you… I mean, I can pay you back-“

“Don’t even think about it.”

“But-“

“But nothing. If it has to be about the money, then you’re risking your job to snog me. The least I could do is an iPhone. How about that?” Harry says.

“Alright,” Louis finally agrees. “That’s okay. I guess. I’ll still feel bad.”

“No, don’t. Now I can text you prawns. And emojis.”

Louis rolls his eyes, relieved at the excuse to be snarky. “What the hell does that have to do with anything?”

“If you were an iPhone user, you’d understand,” Harry informs him.

Louis kind of stares at him for a second, before staring back at his new phone. “Where was this boy when I started the year?” he asks.

“In the closet,” Harry wrinkles his nose in a little scrunchy frown.

Louis sighs. “Come here, sweetie. Come here.” He motions Harry closer, almost into his lap so he can hold his face and kiss him. “You’re lovely,” he says. “C’mon, let’s set up this phone. Thank you.”

Harry smiles and pulls himself up against the pillows next to Louis. His head is against Louis’ shoulder right away. He kisses Louis’ cheek and hooks his hand in the crook of Louis’ elbow. Happily, he walks Louis through the whole process and shows him a few basic things. Then, at the end, he willingly takes both of Louis’ phones and enters the data from one into the other. He hooks Louis’ phone up to the wifi and sets up his facebook and twitter.

“There you go, babe,” Harry says, with a dramatic kiss to his temple. “All done.”

Louis types out a quick mass text to everybody about his new number. Just after he sends it, he gets a text from Harry. It’s a single tiny picture of a prawn. Louis looks up at him with narrowed eyes. “Harry. Did you get me an iPhone specifically so you could text me dumbass pictures of tiny shrimp?”

Harry sticks out his lower lip in a pout. “No.”

“You did! You totally did,” Louis says in slight awe. “Are you kidding me?”

“I said I didn’t!”

“Yeah, but you did.”

Harry frowns when he can’t think of a comeback. “Just text me one back,” he mumbles. “Please? I bought you an iPhone.”

“For this specific purpose,” Louis grumbles as he obeys. “Jesus. You happy?”

Harry smiles and nods. “So can I wrap you up in a blanket now? You still overwhelmed like before?”

Overwhelmed; what the perfect word for it. Louis wishes he thought of it. “Yeah,” he nods. “I am. And I’d like that, if I could… um, if I could be wrapped up in you, too. Please.”

Harry grins. “Okay, Yeah.”

“I’m cold, too, so I’d like to be very cozy.”

“I could. Um. I brought a lot of jumpers, if you want? I could… or you could-“

“Yes. Yeah, please.”

“Okay.” Harry bustles about to get things ready. He gives Louis a fuzzy knit jumper. He pulls the blankets off both beds to pile around them. Last, he tucks Louis into his lap, leaning against him against his chest and between his sprawled legs. “Comfortable?” he checks.

“Yeah, thanks.” Louis wiggles happily while Harry fixes his arms around his waist and kisses his cheek. “Oh shit,” Louis sighs suddenly. “I forgot my computer.”

“It’s right here,” Harry assures him. It’s on the bedside table. Harry hands it over, so Louis pats his leg in thanks and sneaks one hand out of his blankets to click through getting his music on the iPhone.

“This really is fucking awesome,” Louis tells him. “Thanks. I wish… I mean, I wish we had more of a chance to do shit like this. And not hiding away in a hotel room so we don’t get in trouble. The world should know how cute you are.”

Harry giggles and hugs Louis closer. “You get so soppy,” he says with obvious happiness. “I would’ve gotten you stuff ages ago.”

Louis smiles and lets himself snuggle back into the warmth of Harry’s circled arms. They’re meant to be watching the television, but Louis just closes his eyes and turns sideways to rest in Harry’s arms. “I’m sorry,” he says.

“I know. I’m not mad.”

After a moment of thought, Louis turns all the way around, kneeling over Harry’s lap and hugging him around the shoulders. Harry hugs back, arms almost doubled around Louis’ back. “You’re fantastic,” Louis tells him.

“You too. You should’ve had a sugar daddy ages ago.”

“God, don’t call yourself that. I’ll literally pour bleach up my nose into my brain,” Louis says, snuggling closer. “What’s wrong with you.”

Harry just hugs him closer and kisses Louis’ cheek. “You’d rather sit like this?” he asks, scratching Louis’ back a little.

“Maybe,” Louis nods. Harry is very warm and smooth. Louis kind of wants to lick him, but he thinks they might not be there yet. Instead, he hangs on as Harry lies back a little so Louis can cuddle into his chest.

“I could tell them to shove it,” Harry murmurs. “Date you anyways.”

“Let’s talk about it a little later,” Louis decides. “When you’re… y’know. When we know each other better.”

“I don’t need to know you better. I know you make me feel… wanted, and special. I mean, even if I’m not that special, I was just lucky. But I’m most lucky to know you.” Harry brushes a kiss over Louis’ cheek.

“Now who’s the sop,” Louis fits under Harry’s chin and stays there.

“Go to sleep,” Harrys says affectionately. “You look tired.”

“I look beautiful.”

“Yes. Beautiful, but tired.”

“I beat myself up for everything,” Louis says without thinking. “So.”

“Don’t beat yourself up,” Harry soothes. “I’m not upset with you. Please.”

“Alright.” Louis sighs. “I’ll try.”

“Thank you. That makes me happy.”

“And isn’t that the most important thing,” Louis snorts.

Harry draws the blankets up to Louis’ nose and kisses the top of his head. “Second,” he promises. “Second only to you.”

“I think…” Louis sighs, already sleepy.

“What?”

“I’ll tell you later.”

Harry accepts it. He frees one hand to smooth down Louis’ hair and a little bit later, slips his hand under Louis’ – that’s really Harry’s – jumper and gently scratches his back, the edge of fingernails dragging over Louis’ skin, almost more tickly than anything else. After a few minutes, Louis pulls his arms down and in against his chest, sighs happily, and lets himself fall asleep.

He wakes up a little when Harry talks, telling someone “No, it’s Louis.”

The other person murmurs something.

“I dunno, he said he was really tired and that he’s been beating himself up for everything. Which, y’know. Feels good. I guess. But then that makes me feel like an awful person,” Harry says with a little laugh that bounces Louis up and down.

“He barely let me near him these days,” the other person says. It’s Zayn, Louis realizes as he’s talking. “I don’t think he’s very comfortable with touching people.”

“Yeah, me neither,” Harry agrees softly. “This is the first time he hasn’t run away when I’ve tried to be like this.”

“Guess you’re getting somewhere, then.”

“Already been there,” Harry says after a second. “He’s just finally coming with.”

“He… you don’t know who he really is, though. You barely know him. And it’s his job to get to know you.”

“So?”

“So be careful. He could write the ultimate tell-all and make a shit ton of money. You’ve just gotta watch; a lot of people are looking to take advantage. What’s that; did you buy him an iPhone?”

Harry tightens his arms on Louis. “I did.”

“Jesus Christ, Haz, are you trying to get him fired?”

“He said it’s okay.”

“Okay. I guess he’s too nice to tell you that if it gets out he took gifts from one of his subjects or whatever, he’ll lose this job and any future ones. And his credibility. It’ll be gone, he’ll be finished as a reporter. That’ll happen if they ever find out about you two. He’s not somebody you can come out of the closet for. He’s somebody who’s too kind to ask you to stay in.”

“If he’s that kind, then why shouldn’t I want to be with him?” Harry says stubbornly.

“I’m not saying that. I’m saying you probably owe it to him to think enough for both of you. He’ll be ruined, Harry.”

“What about Aiden, then? Aiden’s one of his subjects. He’s coming out and saying he loves Louis.”

“They’re paying Louis a fucking truckload of money to make up for that. And they threatened him into agreeing. Would you want that? He probably hates it anyways, too, because you can’t pay someone for their reputation. And his will be ruined, if it isn’t already.”

“He made a post about it. How he met Aiden.”

“Yeah, I saw.”

“I think it was how he met me, just with the names replaced.”

“That’s tough, I’m sorry, but you can’t keep him trapped in this… this tug-of-war. Between you and Aiden. He didn’t want this assignment to begin with, and now that he was finally warming up to it, it ruined the rest of his career.”

“That’s not how he thinks of it.”

“Well. But it might be. And it might turn into that. And he’ll resent you.”

“But… I’m… so what do you think I should do?” Harry says in frustration.

Silence for a moment.

“I think… you should probably… back off.”

“What?” Louis is upset by that; he cuddles closer and wants to frown but he can’t find his face. Harry rubs his back soothingly.

“I’m not saying… like, it’s his decision. And yours. But maybe don’t make him pick. Let him work it out. And be really fucking nice to him, because he’s losing everything right now, and he doesn’t even have anybody else to blame but him.”

A pause. “Zayn, are you high?”

“I’m right, either way.”

Harry exhales a laugh. “Okay.”

“Really. Seriously, though. Like, really. Okay?”

“Okay. I got him an iPhone because I care about him.”

“He can’t pay rent with an phone, Haz. He can’t buy shit for his family. He can’t eat it, or take somebody on dates with it. And he’s not going to be with us on tour for the rest of his life, so you can’t say you’ll just pay for it. You should get him a job if you really want to help. One he loves.”

“Okay,” Harry says after a moment. “Fine. But this sucks.”

“Never said it didn’t.”

They don’t talk for a while after, and Louis drifts back to sleep. He finally wakes up about an hour after, sweltering hot under the blankets. He struggles out of them before his eyes are even open, relaxing a bit when he feels Harry helping him, pulling the blankets down and jumper over his head.

“Hi,” Harry smiles at him.

Louis sleepily blinks his eyes open. “Hi.” He rubs his knuckles in his eyes. “What time is it?”

Harry holds up Louis’ iPhone. “’Round six.”

“’Kay.”

“You got a text from your sister. I didn’t read it.”

“Oh. I don’t care. But thanks.” Louis takes his phone, leans back on Harry’s chest, and reads the text over Harry’s shoulder. oh I see. so you get a new phone but can’t afford me a single gift? selfish little turd. congrats <3

“Fuck,” Louis murmurs.

“What?” Harry asks.

“Nothing.” Louis presses his mouth into the smooth crook of Harry’s neck and texts Lottie back. sorryyyy xxxxx I promise presents coming.“Forgot Lottie wants presents. And I have the money for them now, I guess. So. Bright side,” Louis mumbles, and plants a kiss on Harry’s pale skin.

Harry hugs him tight. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“You could get her… a pony,” Harry says after a second. It’d be a little less funny if Louis didn’t know he was completely serious.

“No room for a pony. Small back yard,” he smiles.

“A Rolex.”

“She’d lose it.”

“A…  quilt.”

“No time to make a quilt.”

Harry giggles and adjusts his arms on Louis. “Okay. When was she born?”

“January.”

“Get her garnet earrings.”

“How do you know birthstones?” Louis demands.

Harry shrugs. “Or you could get her… an iPhone,” he says with a smirk.

“Dork.”

“Just a suggestion.”

“You’re… God. You’re kinda perfect,” Louis whispers, facing going hot.

Harry grins so big his face might split. “You must not know me very well,” he finally says with impressive poise. “What about a kitten?”

“I don’t know if their dad would let them have a kitten.”

Harry hesitates before asking. “Not your dad?”

“No,” Louis shakes his head. “Stepdad, if anything, but. Not mine.”

“Oh. Okay. Well, maybe find out.”

“We’re not speaking.”

Harry goes silent for a moment. “Have her ask him.”

“Thanks for trying to help,” Louis finally says. “I’ll figure it out.” He gets out of Harry’s lap and off the bed. His chest is so sweaty, his shirt is sticking to it in places. He strips it off and gets a new one on, then goes into the bathroom to wipe off his forehead.

“So we’re more serious now.” Harry’s leaning in the doorway. “How serious?”

“Um, I dunno. I definitely… like, we’re exclusive, right? With each other,” Louis says awkwardly. He doesn’t know how to say this.

“Yeah, I certainly am,” Harry says with half a smile.

“Okay. Me too. So. We’re exclusively dating each other. I dunno, how serious do you think that is?”

Harry seems to be very interested in his big toe. “Pretty serious, yeah. Um. Can I call you my boyfriend? I guess that’s my main question.”

“To who?” Louis asks, slightly amused.

“To you. When it’s just you and me. I don’t care. Or my mum, if we end up telling them. I don’t know. Not to anybody in public. Just.” Harry shrugs. “Never had a boyfriend before,” he admits with a little smile.

“Sure,” Louis sighs after a moment. “Of course. There’s no other word for it.”

“I won’t tell anybody,” Harry says. “Y’know. You’ve been fantastic at keeping this a secret for me, and I’ll be just as good at keeping it secret for you.”

“Yeah. So I don’t lose my job and never see you again.”

Harry makes a face. “Yeah. So that.”

Louis fakes a smile and brushes past him into the bedroom again. “Oh, hi Zayn,” he says after a moment. Zayn seems to be asleep. “Awesome,” Louis sighs, and sits back down in bed.

Harry sits down too, next to him and nestles against his side. Louis shifts away a little; so much cuddling is something he’s not used to, even after the time he’s spent with Harry. “Sorry I slept so long,” Louis says, opening his computer. “Guess I didn’t know how exhausted I am.”

“It’s okay,” Harry smiles. “I don’t mind.”

“Yeah? Anything happen while I was out?”

Harry’s smile gets a little uneasy. “Not really.”

“Really. That sounds like kind of a lie,” Louis says, not particularly angry.

“Well. Um. I guess it kind of is,” Harry says simply. “Yeah.”

“You gonna tell me the truth?”

“I don’t know if you want to hear it.”

“Trust me, babe, I can handle anything at this point. Go on.”

Harry watches Louis open his blog and reopen his draft of his next post. He reads it while Louis reviews it and laments how pathetic he sounds.

“Did they tell you to write this?” Harry asks.

Louis shakes his head. “Nope. I’m really that nervous.”

Harry slips his arm behind Louis and hugs him around the waist. “I’m so sorry. I don’t think… I just don’t think enough about how hard this must be on you. I’m sorry. I don’t think I know what you’re going through.”

Louis presses his lips together and doesn’t answer.

“This deal with Aiden, is that going to be… like, bad for your career?”

“Yeah,” Louis grinds out. “Yeah, it will be.”

“Bad as in…”

“As in I’m over. As a reporter. What kind of fucking idiot falls in love with a celebrity when they’re a celebrity reporter? I’ll be a joke.” Louis shrugs, trying to pretend it doesn’t matter that much. “I’ll be lucky to get another piece after this.”

“But you still can’t come out with me because then you’d lose this money and probably get sued?”

“You seem to have a firm grasp on the situation, yeah.”

“What about my exclusive with you?”

“Never’d get published. Not now.”

Harry hugs him more. “I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

“I’m sorry anyways. Can I get us dinner? Order in room service, watch another film, if you want. Let me pamper you, okay?” Louis doesn’t answer. He has to put aside his computer when Harry stretches up to kiss Louis’ cheek and hug him over the shoulders. “I mean. They paid you a lot of money, though, right? You’ll be okay,” he says softly.

“Yeah, if I keep living like I am, I can probably make it last a little bit more than ten years. Twelve, maybe, if I don’t buy any new clothes or fun shit. I should make it through till I figure out a new job.”

Harry’s like a large affectionate puppy, or some kind of octopus. He just clings to Louis, like he can give him happiness by osmosis. “Room service?” he suggests again after a while.

“Sure. Thanks.” Louis leans in and kisses Harry. “You’re so nice. Why are you so nice?” he mumbles half to himself.

“Because I love you,” Harry shrugs.

Louis stomach drops. “Shut up.” Harry stares at him, eyes wide and mouth shut. “Say it again,” Louis demands.

“I love you,” Harry says, just as casually sincere.

“Shut up,” Louis almost cuts him off. “Oh my God, you don’t.”

“I do.” Harry’s starting to smile, eyes sparkling. “I really do.”

“Shut up! I said shut up.” Louis puts his hand over Harry’s mouth and tries to think, but all he can see or hear in his head is static. “Oh my God. No, you don’t,” he says again, that’s all he can think. “Oh my- say it again.”

Harry kisses Louis’ hand until he moves it. “I love you,” he says again. “I think you’re a fantastic, beautiful person. I love you.”

“That’s… thanks, but that’s really pointless, y’know.”

“I don’t think so.”

“I didn’t promise… I mean, I never… I can’t do anything about it. For at least a year. And then we might never see each other again. I mean.Harry.” Louis is a little horrified and a lot scared.

“I know,” Harry nods. “I’m sorry about that. But I love you so much, I think I’ll explode if I don’t tell you. I’ve been half in love with you since I learned who you were.”

“But…”

“I know it won’t work out. You’re the first person I’ve loved. We aren’t a fairytale. But while it lasts, it’s amazing. Just sitting with you, I love it. Just talking to you. As long as you want. And I want you to know.”

Fucking hell, Harry’s so earnest as he says this. It’s easy to tell he’s never had his heart broken, not really, from how open and sincere he is. Anddamn, Louis doesn’t want to be the one to break it. It’s not his fault though. It’s not his responsibility. He can only do his best.

So he comes up with his best answer. “Thank you, Harry. That’s fantastic. Thank you so much. You’re such a lovely person.”

That makes Harry just light up; he smiles and burrows his face into Louis’ shoulder. “You’re welcome. I love you.”

“I heard you,” Louis teases just a bit. “Dorkwad. You bought me a fucking iPhone. Don’t know why it didn’t sink in then.”

“I don’t either,” Harry smiles. “I thought I gave myself away.” He slips off Louis’ shoulder and lands with his head in Louis’ lap. “What do you want to eat?”  he asks happily. It doesn’t look like he wants to be anywhere else ever.

“How about pizza? Or Italian? I need sauce and carbs.”

“Zayn would eat a pizza.”

“Will Zayn wake up? That’s the real question.” Louis wrinkles his nose.

“Probably, if he smells pizza.”

“Alright. I’d like sausage and green pepper. You?”

“Sweet corn.”

Louis stares at him. “You must be kidding.”

“No. What’s wrong with that?”

Louis rolls his eyes. “Nothing, darling, nothing at all. Get one of each, then, and whatever Zayn likes.”

“He’s boring. Pepperoni.”

“Oh, and you choose sweet corn for its conversational promise?”

Harry laughs, an honest-to-God belly laugh that seems almost painful. He wipes his eyes off after and giggles again. “Conversational promise,” he sighs.

“Just call for our food, y’twat.” Louis shoves Harry’s head and kisses his forehead while Harry’s dialing.

After Harry’s ordered the food, he just looks up at Louis adoringly. “Nobody will hate you,” Harry says. “This isn’t your fault. And you never look terrible. I could – oh! Here’s an idea. I could do something way more embarrassing whenever you do something not okay. Which would be almost never. So they’ll all talk about me and not you.”

Louis chuckles a little. “Thanks, but no. I’d rather take the heat. They know nothing about me, it can’t be that bad.”

“Not for long.”

Louis shrugs off Harry’s worry. “Just let me finish this post, love, and then we can hang out, alright? Like you bunches.”

“Maybe… maybe sound a little less like you hate yourself,” Harry offers. “If they smell blood, they’ll pounce.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

Louis does revise it; he figures that if anyone knows what he’s talking about, it’s Harry. Harry’s been in the middle of the public view for years. So he makes it a little more light, a little more teasingly self-depreciatory as opposed to straight-out self-loathing.

Still, it’s shit. At least before, he was being honest to himself, if not completely transparent. Now he’s flat-out lying to his readers, however few of them their may be. Even if nobody believes him, he’d like to be able to believe himself.

301 days till Bye5. Don’t believe everything you read.