19 "can't seem to shake"

It was about 5 PM I woke up. I haven't slept for hours upon hours. I found myself in this dream that consisted of my mother. We spoke for hours at least that's felt like. She walked with me and she sat with me. She was my mother. Although I couldn't see her face or even acknowledge her lips moving. I knew it was her. I didn't want to wake up. I don't remember anything we spoke about or what she had to say in general. But all I knew was that I with her for a very long time. My wholesome dream turned into a nightmare when I saw brain matter everywhere. Blood and gore throughout my entire dream. Why can't I just let this go? Why can't I just move on from the events that happened to me like everyone else. Rip makes it look so easy especially because I know he's been through hell and back. How did he do it? Is it a man thing is it only me who can get over things such as this? I was distraught. I thought about keeping myself home tonight. Staying in bed. But I couldn't leave Jimmy hanging. He would be waiting for me at the bar. I couldn't do that to him so I got up and got ready.  I slipped on a very light blue, almost white pair of shorts with the one belt buckle that killed a man, but saved my life. Rip insisted I keep it and save it forever. Knowing that I have evidence on my body made me a bit distraught. But I've moved on from that. I just couldn't move on from the murder itself.

When arriving at the bar, I scanned the room. I didn't see Jimmy. I saw the other man I worked with, but not Jimmy. I tucked my car keys in to my purse as I sat at the table. Of course, the first thing I did was admire the band. The crowd wasn't very rowdy, at the moment It was very slow, more talkative than anything . I sat alone, crossing my legs tapping on a drink as I listened to the voices. I could feel eyes staring at me from beyond the room. Every small move that I made there was a man watching me with fuck me eyes. I couldn't tell you what the fuck me eyes meant. I just knew it was a thing. I wish I wasn't as shy as I was. I thought so lowly of myself because I've always been told the same thing over and over. I was always told that I was nothing. I was told that I was an accident who was not very pretty and that I'm not a happy site to look at. I wasn't flirtatious nor was I wasn't sexual. I was just myself. A kind, nervous soul. All I've ever wanted was just a to be love although I wouldn't know what that felt like after all. "You here by yourself?" Familiar voice spoke. I glanced over at the man in a white cowboy hat. " not necessarily. I'm waiting for someone"

" oh yeah?" he leaned on the table that I was seated down at. Softly he placed his beer in front of me on a coaster. "who would that be?" Walker asked with a smirk on his face. " is it me because I'm here honey" he sucked his lip between his teeth. I laughed softly at his grin. "he should be here soon"" what if he doesn't come?" I gave him a weirded out by the question look "he will. he wouldn't leave me here like this" I smiled softly. " if it's Jimmy, your father kept him late tonight. Has him doing some sketchy work for the Dutton"

"my father" I question with a lot of confusion. "yeah. Motherfuckers been on my ass all day long. Same with jimmys"

" my father?"

"Yeah your father baby, am I missing something?"

"I think you're missing a lot. Do you even know who my father is?"

"well I'm assuming it's the black hat fuck eho busts my ass all day long"

"Rip?"

" yeah rip!!" He chuckled. "That ain't my daddy" I reassured him. Walker cocked his brow. "The hell he treating you the way he does for? All sweet and nice to you. Brings you breakfast and shit. What's that about? He in love with you?"

" god no! He's like... well I guess... well, I guess he is like my father in a way. My father's piece of shit he don't love me. He never cared about me. But rip does"

"Oh I see. Is he the one who gave you that bruise on your cheek?"

"well, no that's from my father, my actual father"

"Jesus" he mumbled as he sipped his beer. " so does that mean jimmys not Comin?" "I don't know honey. All I know is he told him to go with him wherever he went."I sighed to myself. Of course she did. He probably knew I had a date with him. Just wanted to ruin my date. " fucker" I mumbled underneath my breath. " you all right?" Walker questioned as he placed a beer in front of me. " yeah, I'm all right. He's just upset that I was going on a date with a guy"

" well, maybe it's not rip.  maybe it's him. Jimmy. Maybe Jimmy doesn't wanna come on the date maybe he got shy"

" you think so?" I placed my fingers around the very cold glass bottle as I took a swig. "Maybe Im making predictions for ya" he smiled down at my hand then back up at my face. " don't look so blue. Do you dance?" I shrug my shoulders "I could dance. Are you asking me to dance?"

Walker smiled a big smile "I guess I am asking you to dance" walker, put down his beer as he held out his hand " let's see what you got" I smiled bright As we danced, I smiled so hard my cheeks hurt. I've never smiled for so long at one time. My heart fluttered. He held me and touched me like a man should do with a woman. He showed me what beauty really felt like. He spun me and twirled me. We spent about two hours, dancing, swaying and drinking. We spent hours talking about music and bands. It was amazing. I had a feeling that Jimmy would never show up. When finally sitting back down to relax I scanned the room a second time. " you're still looking for him?" Walker questioned me. I laughed slightly as I looked back at him instead of the room. " maybe. He just promised me he'd be here. I knew he'd never break promise" I said with a sigh. "well baby things change. Maybe he'll be here" walker himself, scanned the band. He listen and watch just like I did moments before. " I'm so sorry. I had an emergency I had to take care of" jimmy spoke as he came up behind me. My cheeks peeled open wide as I saw jimmy's smile. He looked quite upset. " you made it!" I cheered. Jimmy pulled me into his arms as he hugged me. " you're not upset with me are you?" I shook my head. " no you made it that's all that matters. Come on. Buy me a drink" I pulled his hand to the bar as we wedged our selves between drunken people standing around the bar. "I saw you dancin with Walker. Was so bein good to you?" He asked loudly in my ear. I nodded my head. "He just saw I was alone. Asked me so dance!" I nodded. He frowned a bit "is that so" I nodded again. Was he irritated by that? Uh oh. "Do you wanna dance with me hot shot?" I asked as I took a shot then placed the glass on the bar. "You're not All danced out?" I shrugged "wanna kick Lloyd ass in pool?" I smiled. He nodded "yeah! Let's do that!" With balls, he patted my ass to lead me into that direction. "Ready to get your ass kicked?" I smirked up at Lloyd as I put my quarters in the pool table. "You running that mouth of your honey? I'll kick your tiny ass in the dirt and leave you there!" Lloyd cackled as he finished off his whiskey. Confidently I grasped my hand around  the pool cue of my choosing. Beyond us we can hear the room getting rowdy. I stood close to jimmy. Smiling at him from time to time. His hand grazed along my hips as we waited our turn. As the crowd got bigger, many people mushed to the pool table corner causing some of us to combine. The game stopped when the bar became too packed. Lloyd wandered to retrieve us drinks from the packed bar. Jimmy leaned his body against mine in comfort with His hands rubbing my hips as we waited for our drinks to return. "where were you today?" I questioned as I reached up to hold him around his neck "I had to help rip with a few things. Nothing crazy"

"Did he have you hurt someone?" I asked out of the blue. Jimmy looked a bit puzzled. "No! No. Just random things you know.."

"Sometimes I question how men like you live"

"What do you mean?"

"How do you boys live knowing that you have committed such crimes in your past. I don't get it"

Jimmy then Thought for a moment. He then pulled his shirt down to show me his freshly healed scar. "This" he said "this gave me a second chance at life. This gave me freedom the moment I got it"

I stared at his scar as I ran my thumb over it. Maybe that's it. Maybe that's the change I need. Maybe I figured it out. "You're one special man jimmy" I smiled softly. "I'm special alright" he chuckled. "Hey!" I grunted as my small body was thrown into jimmys. Jimmy and I looked behind me as a familiar face smirked at me with dark evil eyes. "Sorry about that" the eyes spoke. "Oh don't worry about t man you're good" jimmy said with a head nod. I stared at the man as he watched me closely with an evil smile. A smile that held secrets. I stared at the man as my tearful memories came flooding back to me... my weak legs... my fading skin...my broken nose..my mouth full of sand... it was him... "wills. You okay honey?" Jimmy spoke as he pulled me closer by my waist "hm? Yeah! I'm fine!" Suddenly I feel my butt being grasped by hands that weren't jimmys. "Hey!!!" I yelled loudly as I pulled away from the demon. "Easy cracker! Just a taste baby!" The man laughed drunkenly as he stumbled closer to me. I quickly searched around me to find jimmy. It seemed that the crowds of people pushed jimmy away. "I suggest you stay away from me" I spoke with a shakey voice as the native man groped me. "I knew you'd remember me white girl!" The man's teeth were yellow as he snarled in laughter. His face and voice scared the shit out of me go even me next to him. Suddenly yet Soon enough the man was on the ground with Walker standing above him. "Who else wants some huh!?" Walker shouted. I stepped back to avoid any confrontation. I was startled. Jimmy pushed me aside as some of the devils friends approached my fathers cowboys. Easily they fought. They fought hard and they fought long. Too hard and too long. "Come on. Come with me come on" Ryan spoke as his bloody lip and sliced knuckles led me out the bar doors to safety. Behind me followed the cowboys. our men were being tossed out. "But..but they-"

"It's okay wills. They can handle their own. Rip will kill us if something happens to you"

"Mother fucker!" Lloyd shouts as he spits a mouthful of blood onto the dusty gravel parking lot. "I'm so sorry!" I shouted to the boys as they tiredly headed to their trucks. Jimmy waved his hand as he panted. "It wasn't you willow. It was them damn reservation cops! Don't worry about it" jimmy placed his hand on my shoulder as he limped with me to the truck. I looked back at Walker and Colby who were nearly beaten to a pulp. "I'm so sorry" I whimpered. "It wasn't you sugar cube. Them fuckers been picking fights for months!"  Lloyd reassured me. "You can repay us by sewing us up. How about that?" Ryan smiled.

....

For theee hours I sewed. Multiple hands and multiple cheeks. The men drank and sang some sorrowful songs as they were cared for. I never thought I would ever love a group of men more in my life. They protected me. These assholes were my actual family.

"Y'all are back already? What's going on here?"

I looked up at rip as he swung open the front door. I looked up at him with shame and guilt. "The hell you guys fightin!? Again!?" Rip shouted. "For good reason!" Lloyd shouted from across the room. "It better be a good fuckin reason!" The men shifted their eyes around the room. No one said a word as rip crossed his arms. "Some...guy at the bar.. he was rubbin up on me. Walker took him out" I spoke. Rips face softened as he watched me closely. His eyes stared at Walker. Walker waved his bandaged hands. But jimmy on  the other hand frowned at Walker angrily. What! Was I supposed to let her be harassed?"

"Can you recognize these men in a line up wills?" Rip questioned. I nodded my head. Oh I knew. I knew his god damn face. That face haunts my dreams. "Alright. Grab your shit boys. We're going back out"

"For?"

"No questions asked remember?" Rip spoke. Oh I remember. I followed the men as they followed out to their vehicles. "This won't be good wills" rip spoke as he lifted himself up into his truck. "That's okay"

"You said you didn't wanna see anymore people getting hurt"

"I want to see this one get hurt" I spoke loud and proud. Rip looked at me a bit shocked. "He killed my innocence rip" I stared rip in the eyes. He began to realize how serious and mad I had become. He looked back down at his stirring wheel. "This is going to get messy Willie. Really fuckin messy" he responded. "I know" ....

.....

I stood in the gravel as I watched a trailer being pulled up to the wooden bar. Rip handed bats and chains to the following cowboys. Rip then stood me in front of the back door. "You point out the fuckin pricks that did this you got it?" I nodded as jimmy did too. I listened to people scream as the very large bull I had raffled weeks before entered the small town bar. I nervously glanced up at jimmy as I listened to the people rummaging through. Suddenly the solid door in front of us bursts open. One by one we pointed out the flys that needed to be swatted. As the men took each person into their own hands I stepped back to watch the mess... to watch the revenge. I didn't feel satisfied. I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't see the one I wanted hurt the most. I stared closely at the door as the tens of people poured out. I then spotted him. Everyone was occupied. "Rip! Him!" I yelled. Rip was busy. He was furious. I panicked. I grabbed a large stick off the the gravel. "Willie" Walker spoke as he wasn't doing what he was brought to do. He gave me a guilty look. I knew I shouldn't involve myself. But I was a changed person. I grasped the stick in my hands before slapping said branch into the monsters face. The man fell back gripping his face in agony. That felt so good. So I continued. I slammed the branch against his skull until the stick shattered into pieces. As the pieces broke off into my hands I got On top of my victim to continue my act of service. My knuckles gouged holes into his skin as he cried for help. My mind had beokw its consciousness as I pounded the heart bones below me. "Will!" Rip shouted. "Willie!!" My under arms were lifted by rips large hands. "Jesus Christ Willie!" Rip yanked me as he was  picking me up, then he tossed me away from the Body oozing onto the gravel. "Enough!" He demanded. I stared down at the bloody mess on my knuckles. What had I become? As the cowboys entered the bar I backed out. "...what was that?" Walker whispered as he watched me stepping away quickly. "I..I..don't know " I whispered. My hands were shaking. My knees were locked in fear. I had no idea what to do. My thoughts began racing again. My heart was pounding out of my chest I was freaking out. What have I done....