18 "attractions"

I nawed my teeth against the cap of a highlighter as I sat alone at the dining table in the bunkhouse. The men were at work. It was silent in there. Too silent. Although I could concentrate in any atmosphere. I studied long and hard every night of my life. I never took a break. I should've been at work but I had a lot of pages to study for a test I had this following Thursday. I was nervous. Not for the test but to go home. I haven't been home in a couple days. I was scared. Besides. The bunkhouse was my home. I was raised in these small rooms. Around drunk men and drunk woman. Around booze and smoke. The only people who were kind to me in life were these gross smelly men. So here I stayed. "Jesus Christ I'm hungry!" Ryan squawked as he slammed through the door along with the others. I kept my head down in my book. "Empty stomach means we get drunk faster rye!" Colby shouted following the loud pop sound of a bottle cap hitting the sink. "Good point!" Ryan snickers as he slipped his shirt off tossing it onto his bed. I was a very private person. I minded my business at all times no matter what. I never looked at anyone mostly any man in a sexual way ever. My body and mind just didn't work like that. Although recently my mind had shifted. I have been noticing how attractive these cowboys really are. It's as if I've become a teenage boy. I could just awe over his shirtless body right now. Luckily I can still mind my own business and act like an adult. Although my mind is freaking drooling. "Hey miss Nelson what are we working on hm?" Lloyd squared down on a backwards chair next to me as he flung a beer cap. I glanced up at him for a moment then continued to write. "You know you can talk to me anytime doll face?" No response. Lloyd sighed. He gently rubbed his thumb over my freshly bruised yet healing cheek bone. "It's lookin good" he smiled soft. I nodded my head as I began to highlight a page in my text book. The loud energetic room suddenly went quiet as the front door shut. The only sound was the sound of boots clinking the floor. I glanced up slowly at a tan pair of boots and a tight pair of blue jeans. The jeans were worn and his shirt was fitted. His jaw line was sharper than the blade on a saw. His hair and beard darker than the night sky. He was beautiful. His light eyes struck my own eyes as he walked in. He gave me a smirk that cut me like a knife. He carried a guitar with his duffel bags. He loved music too. Could he get more hotter. "Everyone listen up. This is walker. He's new here. Hopefully permanent. You know the rules. You respect him he'll respect you. Got it?" Rip gave an awfully familiar speech to the room around us. Everyone nodded and yelled in agreement. Looking up from my studies I admired walkers ways. He sat on the bed to unpack his things. "You play that?" Jake asked as he sat across from him on a bunk. Walker smirked "what do you think?" "Play somthin would you?" He requested. Walker thought for a moment. "Alright" he unpacked his guitar case and peeled the guitar from its bed. "Y'all wanna hear a happy song. Or a sad song?" Walker questioned the men in the room. None of them spoke up. They just mumbled. "Happy" I spoke up very gently. Walkers eyes glazed over following a smile as his eyes made contact. "The little lady gets what the little lady wants" he placed the guitar in his lap as his strung his fingers against it. As I spoke up jimmy looked over at me in surprise that I was even acknowledging anyone. Same goes for Lloyd and rips reactions. I sat in the kitchen chair with my knees against the table and chest. I played with a pen between my teeth as I listened to his happy yet lonesome song. The song was deep. Almost dark. I can tell Walker had been through a lot of pain. With my eyes I examined his body structure. At the same time he examined my being. He watched my facial expressions and questioned the thoughts in my head. With his last cord he watched me with a bright smirk. "Willie. Can I talk to you?" A raspy voice interrupted my thoughts. I glanced over at rip as he cocked his head towards the door. I sighed as I stood up from my studying nook to follow rip outside. As we stepped out rip held my face with his fingers exsamining my wounds. "Looking good" he spoke sweetly. I pulled my head away slightly. It was just a bruise after all. Rip sighed. "Listen wills. You gotta come to work. Your one job is to show up for work and be paid. Your father may not be thrilled finding out you aren't working" With annoyance I wondered to the barn as he spoke. "Are you listening to me Willie?" "Studying" I spoke up. "I understand that. And I know school is important to you. But you're not making any money by studying" I climbed the gate of the stall to sit and pet my new horse. "Willie" he said again. "If you don't get your ass to work your old man is going to throw you out" I glanced back at rip as my back was sitting towards him. My long blonde hair flowed in the barns fans. "Let him"

"No wills. You need to be here. Where will you go?" I thought for a moment. If I was to leave this place where would I go? Far far away from here. "Florida" I spoke as I smirked at him. He watched me with worry in his eyes "Florida? Across the country? Be realistic Willie"

"Maybe I'll fall in love and..move to Florida" I spoke as I stroked the mane of the horse given to me. "That's another thing. Stay away from Walker. I saw the way he was looking at you. Keep your distance" I didn't reply to him. Quite frankly I didn't care what he had to say. "Did you hear me? You've come to the age where men will be looking at you differently" I gave rip a pathetic look "I am 23 not 16!"

"Just stay away from them wills"

"You're not my father rip" Rip frowned. "No I ain't. What I'm trying to do is protect you from your father "Again I stayed quiet as I fed the horse from my flat palm "I'm not joking about that Willie"

"You're still on about that? Rip I have zero attraction to anyone. I just want to get through school"

"Get through school by coming to work"

"What is with you? What did I do rip?" I knew what he was upset about. He's mad I lied to him for so many years. He didn't get the opportunity to get his revenge on the man who was in charge of abusing me. "Nothing Willie" he responded. I frowned "rip.." "Im turning in for the night. You should too" rip stepped out with slight disappointment on his face. I never made anyone feel bad. I never was mean to a soul , I guess I just figured I'd get the same treatment in return. I once again began to feel sick. Sad and sick. Every time I find I do something wrong my heart begins to hurt. "There you are" jimmy smiled. I glanced up from the barn doors. "Where have you been?"

"Here" I whispered softly with my head directed at the ground. "Oh well..yeah. That was a dumb question wasn't it?" He chuckled nervously. There I go again putting people down. "No. No. You're not dumb at all. No such thing as a dumb question " I spokeVery light. Jimmys cheeks grew with a smile as he watched my eyes. His temperament was calm and gentle. I felt safe beside him. Jimmy leaned his back on the fence infront of us. "Whatcha doin this weekend?" He questioned as he crosses his arms as if he was attempting to look cool. I smirked softly as I looked down at the ground. "Not a single thing" Jimmy smiled with nervousness. "Oh. I...um-"

"Sure. I'll go out with you jimmy"

Jimmy looked puzzled that That wasn't as hard as he was telling himself it was going to be. "Meet me at the bar at 7?" I smiled sweetly at him before stepping past him to get home. "Uh..yeah! Alright! I'll meet you then" I smiled down at my finger tips when I skipped my way home. My stomach felt tingly as did my cheeks from smiling. I looked back at jimmy who was watching me from afar with a very large grin. As I giggle to myself I feel eyes gazing over me. Immediately I frowned. "Awe. Look so decided to come back" Beth pouted sarcastically. "Finally coming home to shower? Huh? Or did them cowboys finally tell you off?" Like usual I didn't reply. I listened as I tried to walk past. "If you're going in there to beg for something he ain't home" my sister spoke as she dug for her keys in her purse with a cigarette hanging from her mouth. Beth groaned as she dropped her keys infront of her. Swiftly I bent down to grab them. Suddenly she stomped her foot onto my hand down into the wood of the porch. "Fuck you!" I yelled as I shoved her back hard. She began to cackle loudly as her eyes opened wide "ballsy huh!? You gettin ballsy you little bitch!" She continued to laugh at me as she tossed her purse to the ground. "You wanna fuck around?" She yelled as she shoved me harder than I shoved her. "Come on bitch!" I shouted back at her. Beth balled up her fists as I did too.  "That's enough girls. Beth don't you have somewhere to go?" My fathe interrupted as he stepped between us to get to the front door. "Did you hear the shit she was saying to me?"

"I saw the shit you just did to her. Yeah. Seems like you deserved what you had coming" As my father walked past me I could see blood dripping from his head. I didn't react to it, I knew he wouldn't want that. I ignored it as if I didn't see it until Beth decided to leave. Once she stormed off leaving the house I followed my father inside. Quickly I grabbed medical supplies from under my bathroom sink. I then met my father who sat on a couch next to the window. He had his head in his hands as if he was in pain. Gently and slowly I placed my supply bag on the large window sill infront of him as I sat beside him. He glanced up first allowing his eyes to meet with the bag. "Let me see daddy..." I whispered very softly. My father kept his eyes down as he turned his head. Gently I cleaned and sewed up his wound. Dad didn't speak a word. He kept his eyes focused on the ground and his mouth shut. I myself didn't ask him anything. I didn't speak a word. I was scared but with a steady hand. "I was never good at this. Your mother was the best at it...you have your mothers hands" he spoke gently. I glanced at his eyes before  focusing back on his cheek. I stayed silent as I listened to him. "You look just like her too. Identical" he whispered as he tilted his head down at the floor. "She was also a better parent. Way better parent than I could ever be" 

"Was she...smart" I asked so softly and so gently. He smiled slightly at his scraped up hands. "Yeah. Really fuckin smart. She was very gentle. Very determined"

I snipped the tread after tying it off. "Whatever this is from...try not to do it again" I said nearly mute. He smiled as he nodded "just like her. you said that" he stood up. "You're just like her" he seemed upset about that. His smile had faded as he stood up. "I'm sorry" I spoke anxiously under my breath. "And that bothers me" I frowned. "Sorry daddy" quickly I shoved everything back into my medical bag. my arm hairs stood up with goose bumps. "It bothers me that I've treated you the way that I have"

Silently I held the bag to myself as I eased my way to the other room. "Why you?"

"Why what daddy?"

"Why you? Why do you of all my kids have to look just like her"

"Beth...Beth is blonde..she she-"

"You have no idea! Zero idea what the hell she looked like! And that's your fault!"

"I'm sorry daddy.. please I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you" His words were slurring. He never drank this much. I think life is finally catching up with him. I think he is allowing the events in his life to hit him at once. "You don't deserve to look like her or talk about her. Or even think about her! You get nothing! All because-" he growled under his breath as he rubbed his face with aggression. As he lifted his arms to rub his face, I could see a very large wound under his belly that had been stitched up but it's very irritated. I was very scared to ask him what it was, but I really wanted to know. " daddy are you OK?" I questioned very softly. He looked at me. " I'm fine why do you ask?" I got down my pride and spoke up " the stitches did you have surgery?" my father grumbled as he pulled out his shirt. " Yeah, I had surgery it's fixed now. Worry about yourself." I nodded my head as i listen to his demands. Sadly I slowly stepped out. I was nervous and very startled.  like a black cat I ran upstairs. I slammed the door behind me and locked it for my own precaution. He hated me because I looked like her. Because I acted like her he's hated me beforehand. He's just upset that I look like her. So what if I change? What if I act different look different maybe then? Maybe then he'll like me?