8 - Maybe I Should Try

"Cristina?" Junior's eyes are as big as they can be. I suddenly want to kick my own ass for calling his name out loud. I should be in hiding. 

He gets up and his arms go around me, much to my surprise and the bartender's. 

"You were here all along?" Junior asks, still hugging me real tight. 

"Uhm..." I try to remove his hands around me. It's getting a bit embarrassing since there are eyes on us. "Yeah....I...I moved around." I smile awkwardly, bowing apologetically to the onlookers. 

He finally releases me, but then puts his hands on my shoulders, letting me face him. "What...? Do you... Shit. I have too many questions." He looks really frustrated that he can't blurt them out all at once. "Do you have time? It's kinda noisy here. Wanna go out?" He points at the exit with his thumb. 

Should I? Fuck! 

"Sure." I feign a smile. I reach over the counter for my jacket. "Wait for me outside," I tell him before I go to the backroom where the manager's office is, to take my pay for the night. 

Junior is eyeing me curiously when I finally catch up with him outside the bar with my jacket and guitar in one hand. "You work here?"

"Uhm..." I look down at my feet. "Yeah.... Kinda...."

He takes my things from me and holds my hand. "I know a great place where we can talk." The smile he has on is something I've missed. I can't help but give him a genuine smile back. 

We take a taxi, just a five minute ride, to a fancy beach resort. He leads me to a table at a veranda. The view plus the cool night breeze lighten the mood and I smile at him again when we take our seats. 

"So," he starts, resting his elbows on the table while we wait for our orders of cocktail, "what happened?"

Did Jackson not have told them then? "What do you know?" I ask him back. 

"Nothing. I wouldn't be asking if I knew anything." He pouts. "Ever since Jackson came back, he's been acting really strange. He doesn't talk to anybody anymore. You know... It's just not Jackson. He's completely different." He leans on the table. "What happened in LA? Did you see Mark?"

Just the mention of his name starts a stream of tears. If Jackson came back to Korea alone, that means Mark didn't even try to follow him ... if he saw him that is. If he didn't see him ... Is he really going through with the wedding then? All the hurt I felt that time come back and it's hitting me from every which way. 

"Oh, shit!" Junior is already at my side. "Cris."

"He.... Mark is.... I .... " I keep sobbing. I go to his arms and bury my face on his shoulder. "I don't know what to do." I tell him honestly. 

"Why? C'mon," he's rubbing my back with one hand and stroking my hair with the other, "you can tell me."

"He's getting married, Junior. Mark's getting married." It's the first time I let it out with anybody. Ever since I came back from LA, I have distanced myself from everyone, trying to keep all the emotions on my own. Now that it came out of my mouth, I can't stop it anymore. 

"Cris," he hugs me tighter, "I'm sorry. Shit." He whispers, resting his cheek on my head. "I'm sorry."

The waiter comes and immediately sets our drinks on the table, scurrying off but not before giving us a weird look. 

"Oh my God, Cris," he pulls away, wiping my wet cheeks with his thumb. "Fuck!" He hugs me again. 

He's speechless, I think. I was, too, when I saw Mark with that girl. Who wouldn't be? Everybody was envious of Mark and I when we were together. Junior has admitted defeat that time. And now, Mark did not just lie to me, he's getting fuckin' married in a week.

"What are you doing here anyway?" I ask him when I finally regained myself. I take the glass and drink up the cocktail to the last drop and ask the waiter to give me a stronger drink. I know for sure I'm already becoming an alcoholic, if I'm not already one. Every night, I'd drink myself to sleep. I've tried to lay off on pills. But just last week, thinking of how close the wedding is gonna be, I've returned to them. 

"We're given a few days vacation. I've come to visit my parents." He gives a weak smile. "This is my hometown."

I nod, tapping the table as I'm becoming impatient at the waiter who's moving especially slow. 

Junior clears his throat after long awkward silence. "Want to go back with me? I'm sure the company would still take you in. You just need to train extra hours, I think."

That makes me sigh. I do want to continue my training. After all, I've dreamt of  being on a bigger stage than the ones at the bars I've played on. But ....

"C'mon." He elbows me, "you don't want to let a guy come between you and your dreams, do you?"

"I don't know." I shrug my shoulders. Finally, the waiter comes with my drink and I immediately put it in my mouth, relishing the bitter yet satisfying taste I've been accustomed to these past months. 

"Why did you come back to Korea, anyway?" He looks at me questioningly. 

"I don't know." I say again. I really don't know. I could just've stayed in LA. But, the thought of staying with my parents and probably seeing Mark with that girl at the streets made me erase that option. Maybe I was really unconsciously hoping to go back to Seoul some day. I can go to other countries, though. But, that would be a new adjustment. Besides, I already know the language here, plus, it's become like my second home. 

"You still want to go back, don't you?" He asks, signaling for the waiter when he notices my glass is almost empty. 

I nod then. 

"So, what's stopping you?" He turns to the waiter, "Just give us a bottle of that," he says, maybe realizing we'd be staying here longer. He then looks at me again. "Mark's not there anyway."

I clear my throat and blink many times to stop my tears from falling again. Just his name brings back a lot of emotions I want to get rid off. "I'll think about it." I give him a weak smile. "So, until when are you staying here?" I change the subject. It's just making me too emotional. 

"Only until tomorrow. Come with me?" 

Why does everything remind me of Mark?

"Cristina, will you go to Korea with me?"  

"I'll think about it," I just answer. 

He takes me to my place after hours of just talking and drinking. 

"Can I see you again tomorrow?" He asks.

"Sure," I answer without thinking. I have nothing to do before my set at night anyway. It would be nice to do something other than being alone and thinking about Mark. 

He gives me that smile again and hugs me tight. "I'm glad I found you."

_____

I finally decide to go back to Seoul with him. I don't think I've got anything to lose anyway. I might as well just concentrate on my career. At least my life would be a little worthwhile. 

"Cristina?" Jackson is stunned to see me, standing frozen by the doorway of the dorm. The look in his eyes though. It makes my tears roll down again. 

It's the first time he holds on to me even if I'm crying. I wrap my arms around his waist and let him comfort me with his soft whispers. 

"It's gonna be ok, Cris. Everything's gonna be ok."

He even carries me to my room since I'm already crying like a baby. 

I think there are no words needed to be said at a time like this. I'm now sure that he saw what I did and that he knows the heartache I'm going through right now. 

He puts me down on the bed, my arms still around his neck, and he lays beside me. 

I must've been crying for hours. When I open my eyes, Jackson is fast asleep and it's already dark outside. 

Nostalgia hits me when my eyes wander around the room. Everything is still where I left them. It's kinda like I haven't left at all. Even Mr. Puffy is still sitting by the window ledge, looking out. I slowly get up, trying not to wake Jackson beside me, and walk towards the window. I pick up Mr. Puffy and give him a really tight hug. "I miss you," I whisper. 

But, those words just let me start crying again. Damn, I miss him. Even if I don't want to, I still do. I've brainwashed myself many times, saying he's the monster himself, but that doesn't work one bit. 

I find myself on the floor again, Mr. Puffy squished between my arms, silently letting all the hurt eat me up. 

"Wanna go drink?" 

I nod. 

Jackson helps me up and finger combs my hair. "You look ugly, you know that?" He says it in his most serious, most disgusted face. 

WOW! Applause. He just made me freakin' chuckle. 

"That's better," he smiles, wiping the last bit of tears. "Clubbing?"

I nod again, smiling. 

____

"It's nice to have you back, Delilah?" He puts his glass up for a toast. 

I furrow my brows. "Delilah? Where'd you get that name, Wang?"

"Samson and Delilah? Duh!!!!!"

I swear there are a lot of things going on in that kid's mind. I can't even imagine where he's getting his ideas from. I just laugh and toast with him. 

"So," he puts down his glass after taking a sip, "you staying for good?"

I shrug my shoulders, "Maybe. Depends." I answer honestly. 

"You should. Show him he doesn't affect you at all."

"Can we not talk about him?" I show him how annoyed I am. I take another drink and my glass is already empty. 

"Fuck, Cris. How did you finish that so fast?" He asks, mixing me another drink with the Rum and the Cola on our table. He watches me intently as I drink that just as fast. He shakes his head. "Drunkard."

I chuckle at that. I can't agree more. "So, what's going on with you?" I ask, starting a convo. I remember what Junior told me just yesterday, that Jackson has been distant to them since he came back from LA. I'm kinda tempted to ask him what happened or what they've talked about or if Mark and him even talked. But, I stop myself. I don't think I can handle anything about him yet. 

His face becomes serious for a while. But, after just a second, he shows me a grin with his eyebrows wriggling. "A lot."

I chuckle again at how silly he looks. "Like what? Tell me. Junior said you've been really grouchy lately." I was avoiding to say that, but it just came out. 

He didn't seem to mind it though. "Just....met an asshole in LA." He makes a face. 

I laugh. Although I know he's talking about Mark, the way he said it didn't really make me emotional. 

So, the night goes on with me just laughing at how stupid his comments are. 

"I'm serious." He says. I'm not sure if he really is, he'd have the same expression if he's joking. "I'm glad you're back."

Compared to earlier, my genuine smile is more prominent. "I'm glad to be back. Thanks, Wang." I say from the bottom of the bottomest part of me. It's the first time I've laughed this hard since Mark left. It's actually a great feeling. I never imagined I would ever feel this way again without him ... just free of worries and hurt. 

"Always, Cris." He leans on the table, reaching for my hand, "I really thought I've lost you. I promise I'll make you forget."