9 - I Guess I Just Can't

"I really thought I've lost you. I promise I'll make you forget." 

"Uhm...." That is the most awkward thing Jackson has said to me. I don't really know how to react. I'm not even sure if he's serious or not. I just smile at him and nod. "Thanks."

"I'm serious." He must've noticed I'm a bit hesitating. He pulls my hand closer to him and looks me straight in the eye. 

"Ok." I smile back at him. But, someone sitting at the bar catches my attention. Although he's wearing a different cap now, I recognize him. 

Still a coincidence? I don't think so. 

"Uhm...Jackson. I'm kinda tired," I tell him, my voice shaking. 

"Sure," he sits up straight. "Let's go?"

___

Who could that man be? There's no doubt now that he's following me. But, why? 

Sean? Could he be sent by Sean? 

"How are you Tina?"

I still remember that call from him. Could he have been freed from jail? Fuck! I should've checked on him when I was in the States. How would I know now? 

Trey? 

Shit!

Could she still be in Korea?

I'm scared to go out and check if she's still working in that bar. It's already past midnight. 

The thought of going through what I've experienced just this summer again is horrifying. 

Could Sean still be after me? But, why? 

I feel so stupid again throwing my phone and my cards away.

FUCK!

Everything I do and did in the past is always a mistake. It always lead me to trouble. I'm terrified to do something anymore. What if it would just make matters worse?

I suddenly miss my dad. Trey. 

But, what if I'm just overreacting here? What if it's just really a coincidence?

Mark. I'm scared. Where are you when I need you? Would you even know what I'm feeling right now? Do you even care?

_____

It would've been another sleepless night if not for the pills. I was able to sleep soundly for a little more than five hours before the annoying kid comes in the room and jumps on my bed. 

"WAAAANNNNGGGG!!!!!" I yell with all my might. I'm back in Seoul alright. I grab the nearest thing I could get and throw it at him. 

"Get up, sleepy head," he plops down on the bed beside me, shaking me like there's no tomorrow. 

"Haven't you fuckin' heard of the word 'knock'?" I yell again, glaring at him. 

"Nope! Sorry!" He says. He's already pulling my hand, almost making me fall off the bed. 

"Damn it, Wang. Will you stop?"

"Nope!" He says again, still pulling me as I stagger to balance myself on my feet. 

"Where are we going anyway?" I sigh, knowing I won't be able to go back to sleep anymore and there's nothing I can do but follow this kid. 

"I'm taking you out on a date," he's saying as he pushes me in the bathroom. "So, you better look nice." 

"Hey," I open the door again and take a peek, "can we drop by somewhere first?" I ask him. 

"Whatever," he waves his hand, "just hurry up."

____

"C'mon." Jackson is becoming impatient. "If your friend still lives there, don't you think she would've answered the door already?"

We've been in front of Trey's apartment unit for almost twenty minutes now. And I'm pushing the doorbell for the nth time already. 

Could she have gone back to LA? What the heck would I do now if she really did leave? 

"Who lives there anyway?" Jackson asks. 

"Trey."

"Oh...THAT friend." He looks like he's just remembered something. 

"What?"

"She dropped by a couple of times a week after I came back from LA. She's been looking for you."

"She has? Why didn't you fuckin' tell me earlier?" I snap at him. 

"Because you didn't ask."

I swear to God, Jackson would be the death of me. I roll my eyes at him. "When was the last time she went to the dorm?"

"Two...I think...Two weeks before you came."

"FUCK!"

"Why? Is there something wrong?" Jackson looks concerned now. "Is something going on?"

I just shake my head. I can't drag him to my problem. I don't want a repeat on what happened to Mark when I took him with me to Michigan. "Phone," I tell him, extending my hand to him. 

"Here," he hands his phone and I quickly log in to my Skype. I don't think I have any choice but to finally talk to my dad. 

The phone sounds out non-stop as my messages come in. Most of them asking me where I am. 

'Where the heck are you, Cris? Shit. Don't do this to me.' That's Trey's last message, just a week ago. 

'Little bear, please. Just give me a sign, baby.' That's from my dad. Two days ago. 

'Sweetie, come home, please.' My mom.

'I'm sorry!' .... MARK! 

I ignore the last message for now, as it is the least important anyway. I try calling Trey even if her account is offline, no answer. My dad then my mom, same. 

Regret fills me again. Why did I have to let my emotions dictate what I do? I should've been with them by now if I didn't just run away that day I saw Mark with that girl. I should've felt safe and not like this ... scared shit! Why did I shun the people who really cares for me? 

I send my dad a message first. 

'Dad, I'm sorry. I'm in Korea. I miss you.'

'Mom. I love you.'

'Trey, still in Korea?'

I didn't notice I'm already at the floor and my tears are already flowing. I don't even understand what Jackson is saying as he rubs my shoulder, sitting beside me. Nor do I notice I'm staring at Mark's profile picture on Skype. 

"How fucked up am I?" I ask to no one in particular. "What should I do?" I unconsciously reach in my pocket for the bottle of pills I carry along with me and plop one in my mouth. 

I hear a loud sigh beside me. Then..."Shit, Cris. What's that?" He grabs the bottle from me even before I can put it back in my pocket. "Fuck. You've been taking Valium all this time?" He gets on his feet.

I try to snatch the bottle back but he's already put it in his pocket. 

"Damn it." He kneels down in front of me. "How long have you been using this? Where did you even get this?" I've never really seen him this angry before. Well, I've never seen him angry at all. The nearest to being mad I've seen him is when he got annoyed at me. 

"What?" I roll my eyes at him. I've got those from an acquaintance I've made back in Jeju. He's noticed how I cried every night and he had been selling it to me since then. It has helped me plenty of times. Most especially when I couldn't control my emotions and I found myself crying even while I'm singing on stage. 

You might have already noticed that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I'm vulnerable to emotions most especially ones that include people I love. 

I was able to endure Sean because Lara was there for me. I was able to go through Lara's lies and even her death because Mark was there. But, now that Mark has broken me, I have no one to turn to. I pushed them all away. I pushed Trey. I hid from my parents. I isolated myself from the world. 

"Why are you doing this to yourself, Cristina?" He's shaking my shoulder. I think I hear cracking in his voice. And when I look up, I see tears on his cheeks. "You're worth more than this. You know that. 

I just give him a weak smile. "Just take me home, Jackson. I don't think I can go out with you today." 

He has a very sad face when he nods and picks me up from the floor. 

"Thank you," I whisper when he carries me in his arms. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and lean my head on his chest, closing my eyes and welcoming the sleep that I know would soon hit me.

____

JYP summons me in his office first thing Monday morning. 

"I won't tolerate this, Cristina. You can't just go MIA when you want to and come back when you feel like it. This is your career we're building here. Jackson told me you're going through some kind of a family problem. I understand that. But, we have policies here, Cris. At least give us a heads-up when you're leaving."

"I'm sorry." It's all I can say. 

With that, I busy myself with training. I stay in the company until past midnight and get there before everybody else does. I try to forget all my worries while tiring myself. And it seems to be working. For those times, Jackson would wait up for me. 

Still, I would disturb Jackson just to borrow his phone and log in to my Skype to check for any reply. It's already been three days since I sent those messages, but, there are still no responses whatsoever. Even if I want to fly back home, I don't have money to buy a ticket. 

Without anyone knowing, I still depend on my pills to put me to sleep at night. Cause even after a long tiring day, my eyes wouldn't close and my mind wouldn't stop thinking. Most especially that Mark would soon get married. Three more days and he'd be someone else's husband. 

And tonight, since the company has to close down early because of a certain holiday, JB asks everybody to go out. I go with them without thinking twice. 

Some of the guys go straight to the dance floor while some of us order and find a table that would accommodate all nine of us. I immediately pour myself a drink when our orders come and drink it straight up. 

After finishing one bottle of vodka, JB orders another one. 

"I really missed you, you know," Junior is saying, leaning too close to me. 

I smile my drunken face at him. "I miss you, too." I pinch his cheeks. 

"So, are you feeling better now?" He asks. His lips already near my ear. I know what he's trying to do. 

My flirty side is suddenly awakened. "Of course. Why wouldn't I? You're here."

That took him by surprise and he becomes speechless. I'm about to touch his cheek again when I feel myself being dragged up my chair and away from the table. 

"Fuck. What the...."

"What the hell are you doing, Cristina?" Jackson is shouting as he continues to pull me out the club. 

"Wang. Let go." I try to pry my wrist free, but he's holding it too tight. 

He only stops when we're at the alley between the club and another bar. "What was that?"

"What?" I ask him, feeling really annoyed. 

"Did I just see you about to kiss Junior?" He says, his face full of anger. 

"Yeah," I shrug my shoulders. "Why?"

"Why?" He grits his teeth. I see him making a fist with his hand then he unclenches it after a while, moving closer to me. "Why would you do that?"

"What's wrong?" I feign innocence. What the fuck is this guy's problem?

Before I know it, he has pinned me against the wall and his lips are on mine. 

FUCK! I push him as hard as I can. "Jackson!" I yell. "What the fuck!"

"I like you, Cristina." He says. My eyes get bigger at the revelation. His hands stay at both sides of my head, planted firmly on the wall. "I've liked you since the first time I set foot in that dormitory. I've liked you even if I know you loved someone else. And now that that someone is gone, can't you give me a chance to protect you?"

"J...." SHIT! "Jackson...I...." FUCK! Why would he be doing this now? Why would he even be doing this? I suddenly feel sorry for him because in the first place, I only see him as a friend. "Jackson," I look down at my feet, still not sure on how to react. "I..." That explains how he clings to me when Mark left. What the freakin' fuck!

"What? You still love him? Even if you know he's getting married, you still hope he's coming back for you?" He's back to his angry tone again. "Look what that asshole did to you, Cris. Look at you. You still want him? Fuck!" He hits the wall with his fist, making me cringe at the sudden impact. 

"Jackson. It's not that." 

But, before I can continue what I want to say, a fist flies to Jackson's face and he falls on the wet ground.