7 - Shattered...Again!

"I don't think we should," I tell Jackson, feeling really nervous. We've just gone from the Tuan's house and the maid informed us that they're at the HIGH RISE hotel for some special event. 

I admit, I'm excited to see him, yet scared at the same time. What if he doesn't want me here? What if he'd get mad? He told me to wait, but, I can't. And now, I'm here. Would he think I'm being too childish again and impatient? 

"C'mon. We're already here," Jackson says as we get off the taxi. 

My parents don't know yet that I'm here. I didn't want them to know I flew all the way to LA just for Mark. I don't even know if they're aware that Mark is here. 

The company has only given us three days of leave. We didn't tell them we're flying to the US though, only Junior knows. 

"But," I pull on his arm, "we're not even dressed for the party." From the airport, we went straight to Mark's house without even stopping for food. We're both wearing jeans and just a casual shirt. 

Jackson goes to the back, pulling out our luggage. "So?" He raises an eyebrow. He then puts the bags down on the pavement and takes my shoulders, "Cris, do you want to see Mark?"

"Of course." I answer. Without a doubt. 

"Then, what's stopping you? When we get in those doors, you'll finally see him." 

I've been longing to see him for two long months, and now is my chance. However, something inside is trying to stop me. I'm just not sure what or even why? "But..." I try to argue but he's already pulled me in the glass doors to the hotel lobby. 

"Wait here," he says, letting me sit at the chair in the lounge, setting our bags on the floor beside me. He then goes to the front desk and talks to the receptionist. He looks a bit ashen though when the lady answers him. He turns to me and signals me to wait as he walks towards the left wing of the hotel. 

"Oh my God." A group of girls sit at the chairs beside me, "Is he really getting married?"  

"But, I thought he's training in Korea?" Another girl asks. 

Korea? Curious, I listen intently, leaning closer to them. 

"I guess he's just here for the engagement. It's not like they're getting married yet." Girl number three. 

"Didn't you hear?" The last girl, "The wedding's in a month."

"I'm sorry." I can't stop myself from barging in. "I heard you talking about the engagement. Who's getting engaged?" Please don't let it be him....please. 

"Tuan and Aymes." The first girl answers. 

"I...." Did I just hear her correctly? 

"Actually," the other girl adds, "the party's still ongoing," she points at the direction Jackson went to earlier. 

Could it be? There could be many Tuan's in this city, right? But, I'm starting to hyperventilate inside. 

My knees are shaking and my head spinning as I walk towards the left wing. I can already see the flowers outside the hall and the people crowding the entrance. My heart is beating faster, my pace slower as I near it. 

Then...everything just shatters. 

'Mark Tuan's and Sandra Aymes' Engagement!' It says on the banner above the entrance. There's a picture of Mark smiling and the girl beside him. 

The couple standing in front of me move to the side and I see them. It's like the whole world suddenly collapses and I'm left there facing my doom. 

Standing in the middle of the stage is none other than Mark himself, and holding his hand is the girl on the picture. 

I stay frozen to where I'm standing for a moment. Engagement? He's getting engaged...married? All my energy escape me and I fall on the floor, sobbing. 

"Hey, miss." A man pulls me up, "are you ok?"

Instead of answering him, I run out of the hotel. People look my way as my sobs get louder. My tears are now flowing nonstop and my chest aching like it's being ripped open. 

Mark, how can you do this to me?

I don't know how I got to the cliff Lara and I used to go to - I might have ran all the way here or took a taxi - I'm not really sure. I don't even care. But, I'm standing there, still crying. The image I just saw keeps replaying on my mind. 

'Mark Tuan's and Sandra Aymes' Engagement'

I take the letter out of my wallet. The one Mark left for me the day he left. I've been carrying it with me all the time, to remind me that he would really come back to me. 

'My one and only Cristina. My baby. My rascal. My brat.

I'm so sorry I have to leave like this. I feel so bad making you angry and cry even before I left. I didn't mean to hurt you in anyway. As I've said, I'm lost. I don't know what to do. When you walked out on me the other night, I wanted to kill myself. I promised myself I won't ever make you cry, but, I guess I broke that.

I have to leave. There are things back home I have to take care of. I can't tell you what yet. I hope I would have the chance to, soon. I know you're flipping out and worried. Don't be. I'm fine. I won't be able to call you nor message you though. Please understand.

I don't know how or when, babe, but I will come back for you. Whatever it takes, I will come and get you. You trust me, right?

I love you, baby. I love you more than words can say. I'm gonna miss you though. Promise me you'll wait for me.

Your Twain.'

I read it again. And again. And again. My tears wetting the paper and smudging the ink. 

"Mark Tuan, why?" I shout at the dark water below. 

I have to leave. There are things back home I have to take care of. I can't tell you what yet. I hope I would have the chance to, soon. I know you're flipping out and worried. Don't be. I'm fine. I won't be able to call you nor message you though. Please understand.  

"Things to take care of? My ass!" I yell still. "More like a girl to marry."

I waited for nothing. I spilled tears for nothing. I did everything for him.... for what? ... Nothing. I endured everything with the hope that he'd really return. But, now what?

I crumple the letter and throw it as far away as I can, down to the raging waves below. 

I followed him to Korea... for what? He took me there so I won't know about this? He let me believe he loves me then he goes off and marries another girl? 

I fall to the ground, hugging my knees and still sobbing. 

Why? Why should I be deceived like this? What did I do to deserve this? Why did I allow myself to be lied to again? When will all these deceptions stop? Why does it always have to be me? Am I just really stupid to see any of them coming? 

Lara, Sean, Mark! 

Didn't I give them enough love to show me at least a bit of mercy? Why did they have to come into my life and ruin everything for me? 

Mark....Mark....Twain....Fuck!

"Cristina, will you go to Korea with me?"  

"I love you more, rascal! More than you'll ever know."  

"I'm never gonna let you go, Cristina."  

"You're all I wanted, rascal. You should know that by now. You're all I need."

"I told you, you're my responsibility and I have to prove that to him."  

What were those words for? Why did he have to tell me those when he's just gonna leave me like this? Why did he even bother?

He followed me to Michigan. He carried me to Korea. He made me believe he'd come back for me. Why? What was all those for? 

I can't help but remember how Lara and Sean had lied to me just to get the company. 

Is Mark into a scheme, too? To what? He's rich enough not to care about my dad's firm. 

What do I do now? What CAN I do? 

I can't just cry here, can I? All I've been doing lately was this. Why should I? He's not even worth my tears. 

But, still....

____

For a week, the little resort in Jeju has become my refuge. I'm not sure why here. 

After being at the cliff for what seemed like hours....I collected myself and flew back to Korea, forgetting about Jackson and taking with me as much cash as I can. I don't want to use my cards, cause I know that would be tracked. I also threw my phone away. I just don't think I can face other people just yet. I'm just too fucked up right now. 

If with Lara, I was able to meet her and talk to her, with Mark, I just can't. Or maybe, I just wasn't ready to know the truth. I don't want to hear it from his own mouth that he doesn't really love me. 

But...even after one week, I still don't know what to do. I'm not sure what I want to do now. I don't even have a face to show my dad. What would I tell him? That he was right all along? That I shouldn't have gone to Korea in the first place? Could he have already known that I'm not in Seoul? 

Even after another week, my questions are still left unanswered. I don't think I would want to know the answers though. I feel like I just have to be away from him ... away from everything. 

Running out of cash, I have to sing in bars. And when I have enough, I move to another town. I make sure to stay in the South though. 

"Cris, you're up!" The bartender tells me. 

I take one more shot and run to the stage, sitting behind the keyboard. On my second song, I notice a familiar looking cap. I suddenly get nervous, almost forgetting the lyrics of the song I'm singing. I look down on the keys I'm pressing instead and concentrate on finishing my set. 

As soon as I get back to the bar after my last song, I turn to where I saw the man earlier, but he's already gone. 

"Yo!" I tap the bartender. "Do you know the guy that was sitting there earlier?" I ask him. 

"Nah!" He shrugs. "Just another tourist, I think."

It's the third time I see him. Isn't it too much of a coincidence? My heart beats faster, feeling nervous and uneasy. There's something about him and the way he looks at me that send shivers down my spine. 

"Uhm..." I lean on the bar, "Can I ask you a favor?" I ask the bartender who seems to be a bit annoyed since there are a lot of customers and I keep on disturbing him. 

"What?"

"Can you walk me back to my place?" I ask, a little embarrassed. But, I'm just too scared to walk the dark streets alone. The place I'm staying in is five blocks away. Although bars and clubs and resorts line the place, I'm still afraid. 

"Hey!" A customer comes beside me, leaning on the counter top to get the attention of the bartender. "Can I have a shot of vodka, please?" He asks, taking the empty chair on my left. 

Wait... I know that voice. 

I turn to my left.

"Junior?"