Chapter 84 - Off The Table

Sadé's POV:

— December 03, 2022

Today was Saturday, and it was the start of a new month.  It has been four days since I realized that I truly do love Marshall. I have come to terms with it, but I haven't necessarily accepted it. As a result of such revelations, I may or may not have fallen back from my relationship with Marshall. It wasn't intentional, it just kind of happened because I was so scared. My fear of love was getting the best of me, and I couldn't handle it.

As a distraction, I've been drowning myself in work. Even though it was the weekend, I continued to work. Marshall was working today too, but it was only for a couple of hours this morning from his home studio. Afterward, he was free and tried to spend some time with me, but I brushed him off, saying I had important business emails I needed to send out. It wasn't a lie, but it definitely wasn't the truth. The emails could've waited until Monday. I could've made time in my schedule for him, but I didn't even know how to approach him right now. So instead, I pushed him away. 

That wasn't all of it though; That wasn't the only way I've been distant with him. Aside from not spending much time with him when he did end up having the little free time that he did, I had been talking to him less. I can't seem to hold a basic conversation with him anymore despite how hard I try or how much effort he puts into trying to get me to talk to him. I just can't do it.

Additionally, I hadn't been physically close with him either. When I say physically, I'm referring to intimately. However, intimacy means more than just sex for me - It's also physical touch (hugs, cuddles, holding hands, kisses), words of affirmation (compliments, words of support, endearment), and emotional connection just to name a few. So not only have we not been connecting, not been having any form of sex, but we haven't even been close in general. Or at least I haven't. I literally haven't even been close to him at night despite us sleeping in the same bed. Normally, we would be intertwined in each other's arms, either him holding me or spooning me, or I'd have my leg propped over his lower half or practically be laying on top of him whilst my head is either in his chest or nuzzled in his neck. However, there was none of that recently; I'd wake up on the opposite side of the bed because I had left his side during the middle of the night. It's not like I was doing it on purpose because I'd fall asleep in his arms, but wake up confused on how I wasn't. It's like my body just started to naturally reject him, and I hated it.

Anyway, I was currently listening to Ariana Grande while typing out an email. I was in my feelings, playing music from my playlist that I have for moments just like this. The song POV had ended, and Off The Table began to play. This song of hers really spoke to me and channeled my inner emotions that I had buried deep down inside. It was exactly how I was feeling, and truly lyricized my fear of love perfectly.

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"Will I ever love the same way again? (Way again)Will I ever love somebody like the way I did you?Never thought you'd be so damn hard to replaceI swear it don't need to be this way" - Will I ever love someone as good as I loved Zach? I know what we had, or lack of rather, wasn't real love, but it was as real as I sought it out to be. Regardless of if it was toxic, I was still so caring for him and nice to him. I still gave him all of my heart, all of me, every single piece. Even though he destroyed it and stomped all over it, I still gave myself up to him at the end of the day, whether I'm proud of that or not. And now, I sit here wondering if I can do that again. questioning if I can, and should give all of myself to Marshall or if the risk is too big. I never anticipated moving on from Zach to be this difficult. It's not like I was trying to replace him per se because he can't compete where he doesn't compare when it comes to Marshall, who easily takes the cake by a landslide, but I was hesitant on if I'd be subjectively replacing one painful situation for another that could be in the future.

"If I can't have you, is love completely off the table?" - If I can't allow myself to submit to Marshall, am I deserving of love? I know that I love this man for a fact. My heart wants him, but my mind and body simply won't allow it. I feel like if I can't have him, I can't have love. It wouldn't be fair to him or myself.

"Do I sit this one out and wait for the next life? (Next life)Am I too cold? Am I not nice?Might not be quite yet healed alreadyShould I be goin' too steady? (Too steady)But I just wanna know is love completely off the table?" - I feel like because of my past, I might end up being [too] toxic for Marshall. I'm healing, but I'm not one hundred percent there yet in my self-growth journey. It made me question if I should even be dating him, going steady as she worded it. Because dating leads to love, which leads to other things in life... I wanted all of those things, but I wasn't sure I was ready for any of that right now, or would ever be in this lifetime. Maybe I would just have to try again in the next life. Maybe my one shot at love was ruined and tarnished forever now.

"Will you be thеre? (Will you be there?)Can I still love you? (Can I, can I, babe?)Not yet healed or ready (Not ready)Should I be goin' too steady? (Too steady)Just wanna know is love completely off the table?" - Can I still love him or at least try? Yes. After long conversations that I held with myself in my head these past few days, the short answer is yes. I was nervous, but it never hurt anyone to try.

But how long would he be willing to wait or put up with my terrible love skills until I could do so correctly? I was unsure. He's a very patient man when it comes to me. I know he was only like that with me because he couldn't care to be bothered having to wait for other people or things, but maybe he didn't want to wait anymore. I mean, he's 50. He might want to take things faster than me, who enjoys taking things slow. Would he be there for me when I'm finally able to give him the tender love and care that he deserves and is longing for or would he leave?

"I'll wait for youEven though it always feels like I'll be number twoTo someone you can't hold any moreIf you let me in, I'm ready to give you what I couldn't before'Cause I got you, girl, let me help you through itYou're trying to fill the void with a couple boysI can see right through it (You can see right through it)I can love you harder than I did beforeWas in a dark place back thenI was toxic, then I was toxic to someone elseI was haunted by the hills (Oh yeah, yeah)I couldn't give you my all, but I willIf you let me in your arms (Your arms)If you let me in your heartI don't think that love's completely off the table" - Honestly, who am I kidding? I knew he'd wait for me just like he always has when it came to everything else. I know it sounds selfish, but it's not. He's reassured me many times that he'd always be here for me, be patient with me, and even give me my space whenever I needed it. He's always told me not to rush things and to take time for my emotions to settle because he knows how overwhelmed and anxious I can get about things, similar to this. He quite literally told me this himself for this very moment: "Ima continue to be patient with you, baby girl. But you'll realize sooner or later. Come to me when you finally see it." He knew. He knew I'd have a hard time accepting love and giving it yet he seemed to be okay with that. So whenever I was ready, I could come to him to be able to be loved by him properly like I... Like I deserve to be, I guess.

Now, he has been in toxic relationships much like I have, but that wasn't my business. I wasn't in those relationships with him nor did I know him at the time so I obviously don't know how bad it was. Yes, he's opened up to me about them, and told me how he was abused, but also how he was the one doing the abusing. I wasn't fond of that at all, of course, but it wasn't my place to judge. All that matters is how he treats me now, and how he will continue to treat me. And I knew he'd never lay a hand on me - not even a finger. That's how I knew he was capable of loving me properly. So I suppose, keeping that same logic, I should be able to love him properly too. Because I'd never intentionally hurt him. He's my man, that's my baby. I'd never do that to him, and I wouldn't be able to look at myself the same if I did or destroyed him in even the slightest.

"Will you be there? (Yes, I will be there for you)Can I still love you? (Yes, I been hurt before, before)Not yet healed or ready (Not ready)Should I be goin' too steady? (Too steady, no, no)Just wanna know is love completely off the table?

So can you hold me?If I let you, can you prove it to me? (Oh, no-no, no)'Cause I need you to calm me down, babe"

"Gotta get out of my head (Oh, woah)Tryna be here from this bed (Oh)" - This is exactly what I need to do: Get out of my head. I need to stop overthinking it so much. Just accept it - Embrace it!

"Just wanna know, just wanna know, know, know, baby (Hey)Can you touch it like you believe in it, baby? (Oh, hey)Let me think you never gonna leave on me, baby"

"'Cause I ain't her and you ain't him, thankfully (Baby, don't leave)But it's gon' be hard to let someone else in again (Woah)Baby, baby (Woo-hoo)" - This is what I need to understand. Marshall is not Zach. Marshall is not going to walk all over me and take advantage of me like Zach. Marshall won't hurt me like he did. He won't hit me. He won't cheat on me. He won't manipulate me. He won't lie to me for the hell of it. He won't abuse me. He won't throw me against walls or spit in my face. He won't control me or use me financially. He won't humiliate me. He won't get in the way of my bag. He won't tell me my dreams are too big. He won't say I'm too much to handle. He won't call me worthless. He won't call me stupid. He would never call me out of my name. He'd never degrade me or dehumanize me in any way, shape, or form like him. Marshall is not Zach.

However, it's still going to be hard to allow myself to fully let go and fall in love with him, knowing that I'll no longer have control over that part of me. Instead, he will. He'll have complete autonomy of my heart and feelings when it comes to this. I can already feel it happening, I can feel myself losing any sense of control of my own heart as I slowly give it to him. As someone who values having full control of my own body, mind, and spirit, it feels strange, as if I'm under some type of spell.

"Will you be there? (Will you be there? I'll still wait)Can I still love you? (I'll still wait for you, babe, oh, no-no, no, can I still love you?)Not yet healed or ready (Ooh, not ready)Should I be goin' too steady? (No, no, ooh)Just wanna know is love completely off the table, baby.

I swear, I swearI will wait for you whenever you needOoh, ooh"

I then realized that I think I'm simply scared of being happy.

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I mean, all of my life, a good majority of it anyway, I have been nothing but... sad? I know happiness - I understand it - and at the end of the day, when I'm on my last breath, that's all I really want. I'm happy now even. Sure I have my days, but for the most part, I am currently happy. It's just that I usually had to struggle, be strong about something, or be in some type of saddened state. And I think that because I was in that head space for such a long time, for so many years, that it was the norm for me.

But now that I'm focusing on myself, and am healing, it's like I'm scared of what's in store for me. I'm scared of that change. I'm usually fearless - I'm afraid of nothing, I'm afraid of no one - but I'm scared of happy... I'm afraid of the future, and I'm afraid of love. So I guess, what I'm trying to say to myself is that if I overcome my fear of happiness, I could overcome my fear of loving Marshall. Because that's all it is I suppose: I don't want to be happy then become unhappy.

There's only one problem though. Although it all sounds simple enough, I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to be happy. Let me break it down: Marshall is the happy in this situation. So I'm scared of Marshall. However, in order to reach happiness in this situation, I need to be close to him. Being close to him means I need to love him. I don't know how to love though. I don't know what it means to be a good lover to another human being. The whole phenomenon confuses me. I wouldn't know where to start or how to show it without flat-out saying it.

I need to stop being so cautious all the time. I need to allow positive change. I need to let love and my heart do its thing even if I look stupid. I need to stop overthinking. And as Marshall would say, I need to stop being a "little bitch boy" or whatever he calls people. AND ALSO I need to stop thinking I'm undeserving of love! I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be with someone who loves me for me, and respects me like Marshall does. I deserve the same things that everyone else does. Even if I don't believe any of what I'm saying yet, I will. If I keep being delusional enough, it'll eventually come true - Fake it, 'till you make it.