Chapter 144

Katniss

When he walks through the front door to our house, trailing timidly behind his mother, I'm instantly transported to another world, another time, another life it seems. When I see him, with his sea green eyes, tanned skin, and golden blond hair, I cannot rid my mind of the images of his father that have been forever implanted deep within my memories. It's as if I'm dreaming; reliving Finnick's life inside my own head, exactly the way I had as I watched him being ripped to shreds by blood thirsty lizards just feet below me. I can still feel how damp my clothes were from the water and sludge in those sewers. I can still hear the sound of the mutts screeching, hunting us down, killing us. Killing him. I imagine us fighting off those monkeys, or the way his face was scrunched up in pain as he watched Mags slip from his grasp and into the deadly fog. Or how we had sprinted through the jungle side by side, attempting to run away from the screaming Jabberjays, only to find ourselves trapped, tortured and taunted by our screaming loved ones for what seemed like hours on end. Things like that never really leave you.

I know that this boy, this young man, in front of me is not Finnick. He will never be Finnick. Finnick is gone and I know that. But everything about Finn reminds me of his father. Everything down to the freckles scattered across his nose like twinkling stars in the night sky. I almost wonder how Annie does it. How she wakes up every day  to care for her child, Finnick's child, when he looks exactly like him. I almost wonder how she has the strength to face him every day. But really, when I truly think about it, I know exactly how she does it. Finn is the only part of Finnick that Annie has left. While he's here, Finnick will always live on. I know that. I've experienced that in my own daughter, who as she ages, resembles Prim more and more every day. It isn't obvious, in fact I think she looks most like Peeta, though he claims she looks just like me. But every once in a while, when I look at her a little too long or her blue eyes sparkle just right, I see Prim. And it hurts. Because although she reminds me of Prim, she will never be Prim, just like Finn will never be his father. But those few moments I get to see my sister in her are enough to make me fall into an even deeper state of love for Willow, something I never even imagined possible. 

"Katniss!" Annie exclaims, breaking me out of my train of thought. She pulls me into a tight embrace and I don't think twice about doing the same in return. Annie pulls away and gingerly puts her hand on Finn's shoulder. "Finn, this is your Aunt Katniss and Uncle Peeta. It's been a while since you've seen them, do you remember them?" He nods and averts his eyes towards the window. She ruffles her hand through his wavy blond locks and Peeta helps Annie bring their things upstairs to our guest bedroom, leaving Finn and I standing here alone. 

I clear my throat, "How are you, Finn?" I ask. He shrugs and takes a deep breath, avoiding my eyes. I know he's uncomfortable here. I can't help but wonder what Annie has told him about Peeta and I. Or what she's told him about what happened to his father. "Can I get you anyth-"

"Can you please tell me about my dad?" he blurts out, tears in his eyes. I open my mouth to speak, but I can't seem to form the words. 

"I don't. . ."

"Nevermind, I shouldn't have asked. Just. . .forget I said anything," he says, turning away from me to brush away a stray tear from his cheek. 

"Finn. . ." I whisper, but he's already gone, bounding up the stairs to hide away from me. I bite the inside of my cheek, guilt taking over my body. I assume that Annie hasn't told him much, but enough to make him curious. I wonder if he's asked her questions. Questions she may not have been able to answer. I'm sure that's why he's come to me, but how can I answer his questions any better? I don't want to scare him. I don't want to put an image in his head of who I used to be, or who Finnick used to be. I want to help him, I truly do, but if I can hardly manage to think about Finnick for too long, how could I explain what happened to him to his own child?

I walk aimlessly into the kitchen, attempting to find something to busy myself with as a distraction. I'm not sure if I should tell Annie about what Finn asked me. I'm not sure if it was even important enough to address. Maybe I should just tell Peeta, but I suppose if Finn asked me he would speak to Peeta as well. 

Peeta opens the door to the kitchen and plants a kiss on my cheek before opening the oven to check on the stew that's cooking inside. "Has Finn said anything to you?" I ask, biting my lip.

Peeta raises his eyebrow and begins to dice the strawberries we had picked from the woods earlier today. "No. . .Why, is something wrong? Did he say something to you?"

I hesitate for a moment before deciding against telling Peeta what Finn asked. "No, no reason really. He just seemed quiet, that's all."

"He's just a quiet kid I guess," Peeta says, brushing off the topic. I nod and begin to help him with the berries.

All throughout dinner, Finn avoids my eyes. He pretends to busy himself with the food on his plate, a trick I know all too well, and I attempt to think of something to say to him. Peeta and Annie talk about things I don't quite care about, small talk like what is in our meal or how the weather has been in District 4.  

When there's a lull in their conversation, I use it as an opportunity to say something to him, "How's school Finn?" I ask, only to receive a half-hearted shrug in return. 

Annie sighs and replies for him, "He's actually just beginning to learn about. . ." she pauses for a moment to clear her throat, "the Dark Days." I glance down at my food, my stomach sinking at the thought of how close Finn is to learning about The Hunger Games. I'm sure that's why he wants to learn about his father, and I'm sure the other kids at school have told him a few things.

"How. . .how is that?" Peeta says, pushing around the food in his bowl with his fork.

"Fine," Finn says, anxiously glancing at his mother. 

"We've talked about it some already," she whispers, glancing from me to Peeta. I give her the best look of empathy that I can possibly muster up, and she seems to understand. We hardly speak for the rest of dinner, and Finn disappears into his room shortly afterwards. 

"He's. . .struggling with school Katniss," Annie says. "He knows about Finnick." Her voice breaks at the mention of his name and I have to fix my eyes away from her's. I can't cry in front of her. I won't. 

"How much does he know?" I say, barely whispering. 

"Not very much. I can't bear to tell him too much. I don't want him to know. About me, or Finnick, or you and Peeta. The Hunger Games, the war. Any of it. It's too hard," she says, wiping away several tears from her eyes. "And he's asking questions. I don't know how to answer."

"I wish that none of our kids will ever have to learn about our past," I say, glancing at Willow, who's babbling away to Peeta on the couch in the living room. "But I know that they do. And I don't know, maybe I'll never accept that. But it's going to happen eventually. We still have time. We can still show them the good that came out of everything that happened. And we can explain it to them in the best, most gentle way possible. We don't have any other choice."

The corners of her mouth turn down and tears spill over her eyes. I pull her into a hug and shut my eyes tight. I can't imagine how difficult everything is for her. I'm terrified for the day when Peeta and I have to explain to Willow and our second baby what we did in our past. When we have to tell them who we were and who we were close to; my father, Peeta's family, Aunt Prim, and Uncle Finnick. We will have to tell them why they aren't here anymore. Why they'll never come back. But I have Peeta. We have each other. Annie is doing this on her own. She went through a Hunger Games. She was titled as "mad". She lost her husband. She had his son. And now she's raising him by herself. I fix my eyes on Peeta. I have no idea where I would be without him. Dead, probably. He has saved me more times than I could count. We've saved each other. 

"This may not be how we wanted to live our lives. But we don't have any other choice. We're living, right now. And it's our job to enjoy it as much as possible with the people that we love. Because we both know how quickly live can be taken from us. We've both experienced the worst. But we have to give our children the best possible lives that we can. We owe it to them and we owe it to all of the people who were robbed of life too early." 

She nods and takes a deep breath. "I want to tell him more. But I can't do it alone."

I nod my head, and think of the book Peeta and I created years ago, whose pages are filled with all of the people we've lost. I grab the book from our medicine cabinet in the kitchen and hand it to her. She turns the delicate pages over, running her hands over the thin yellowed paper. She reaches Finnick's pages. There's a photo of him that was taken at his wedding. He's laughing in the photo. I think that was the happiest I'd ever seen him. Peeta has also included a drawing of his trident, of a fishing net, the ocean, and the color green that resembled his eyes. Finally comes the photo of Annie holding baby Finn, which was attached to the letter she'd sent us shortly after we'd returned home from the war. Annie touches her fingertips to the photo and brushes a lock of auburn hair away from her face. "Can I show this to Finn?" she asks.

"Of course Annie," I whisper. 

Later that night, Annie sits beside Finn on the couch, book in hand. He tilts his head and studies the photo of Finnick carefully. "He looks just like me," he whispers in disbelief. I smile and rest my head on Peeta's shoulder. 

"Yes he does," Annie laughs. "He acts like you too. You're both so kind. And handsome. And very witty." I shut my eyes, an airy smile on my face. Finnick most certainly was witty. I still remember when he offered me a sugar cube, just as if it were yesterday. 

'What a sugar cube? They're supposed to be for the horses, but who cares? They've got years to eat sugar, whereas you and I. . .well, if we see something sweet we better grab it quick.'

At the time, I hated him for it. I thought everything about him was synthetic. I thought that he was putting on some sort of show, something to make him seem appealing as a strategy for the games. I was wrong. I had no idea what had truly happened to him. I had no idea how broken he really was. 

'You're absolutely terrifying me in that get-up. What happened to the pretty little-girl dresses?'

I wish that I'd thanked him for everything he'd done for me. He saved Peeta's life, though I had been nothing but awful to him. I wanted to kill him. I planned to kill him. But he made sure that Peeta stayed alive because he knew I wouldn't be able to go on without him. He risked his life for me. He saved me. He died for me. And I can help Annie and Finn as much as I can, but I'll never really be able to repay him. 

As I watch Annie explain to Finn who his father was and all that he had done for everyone, I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my chest. Like there is hope for the future. That maybe, with help from Annie and Haymitch and Peeta and even Effie, I will be able to explain to Willow what I've done in a way that won't scare her. I wrap my arms around Peeta's neck and cocoon myself against his chest. And for the first time in a long time, I'm not so scared anymore. 

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Yikessss once again, haven't updated in foreverrrr. I'm so sorry guys and I'm so sorry this chapter isn't much :/// But I just really want to spend these last few chapters tying up everything because I don't want to leave anything unresolved. I have the rest of this book planned out and I promise these next few chapters are going to be much more interesting (I hope!!)!!! Anyway, so sorry again for taking forever to update buuuuuut my Saturdays have been insanely busy since January and I always used to write on Saturdays, which hasn't been able to happen lately. 

I really hope you liked this chapter and I'm seriously going to try and post as much as I can!!! 

Love y'all soooooo much! Please leave any feedback or comments because honestly my favorite thing ever is reading what you guys have to say. Like honestly, I cry happy tears every time, that's how inspired and happy you guys make me. LOVE YOU!!!!

(also be on the lookout for a new Everlark One-Shot Collection VERY soon!!!)

-booklover2019 <3