⫣56⫦ All that I Gave up

Ahhhm, little trigger warning ahead. This one is a tough one. __________________________________

I wake up with a killer headache.

This is not new to me. I've woken up like this almost ever day for the last weeks.

But what is new is the dark room and the bed I lay in. Someone has wrapped me with a grey, thick blanket and changed my clothes. I shoot up when I remember the last thing before I passed out.

Seo-Joon. My brother is here. In England. Why? What does he want?

I get out of bed, my stomach recoiling.When was the last time I've eaten?

I ignore it as I stumble to the door. The room is small, the walls painted a sickly green. There is only the bed in the room, nothing else. I try the door knob, but of course it's locked.I bang against the iron door.

"Hello? Park Seo-Joon? I know you're there! Open this fucking door!"

I wait. I bang again.Nothing. Only silence greets me.

I turn back and scan the room. There is nothing that can help me. I glance at the bed.

For a moment I wonder why I am even resisting. This is perfect. An empty, small room where I can be alone and live out my misery.

But then I remember.

What would my father do if he found out I am no longer at the school? What if my teachers already contacted him that I went missing at the gallery? I turn back to the door, banging with my fists until my knuckles are raw. No... I can't let it have been for nothing!

"Seo-Joon!" I yell, my voice echoing off the walls. "Let me go! What are you getting out of this?My father will freak! I thought you always did what he wanted? Why are you doing this?"

Or maybe my father did want this.But why? He already won. He already trapped me in my hell, avoided charges and could continue playing his crooked tricks.

I let loose a wild scream.

I have to get out of here. I have already broken myself to keep them safe. I can't fail because of this, or all would have been for nothing. Suddenly the door opens and I stumble forward at the sudden absence of a wall.

And I land directly in Seo-Joon's arm. I draw back like I burned myself.

He is taller than me by a lot, his chest broad and his arms thick. I stand no chance to fight my way out. No- I have to use my wits.

"You're awake," he breathes, his expression almost dreamy as he looks me up and down.

I shudder but more because of disgust than fear. He can no longer scare me. I've been through too much. And my father already showed me what true fear is.

"Why am I here, Seo-Joon?"

I keep my voice neutral, calm and composed. He steps into the room, closing the door behind him. It falls shut with a bang and I feel like a trapped animal.No escaping this predator in front of me. At least not with strength.

"Because I wanted to see you, of course."

"See me? You could have just called. You're my brother after all, right?"

His eyes widen and his face becomes a mask of glee and joy.

"Yes-" He breathes like he's in a dream. "I am. I am your brother. Father didn't tell me that you knew."

He shoots forward and hugs me.I let him embrace me tightly and decide my best bet is to play along, so I bring my arms around him too. I ignore the sour taste in my mouth or the way my body automatically wants to recoil at the touch. He draws away and strokes my cheeks.

It's so gentle, even though those eyes still speak of cruelty. Of someone enjoying the pain of others. It's a strange mix. It's madness that I can see something like love in his eyes as he looks back at me, buried under all the darkness, but shining there nonetheless.

It freaks me out, but it's an angle I can work.

Use everything to your advantage- Namjon taught me that.I shoot him a confused expression.

"I thought dad tells you everything? And he hasn't told you that I know?"

Seo-Joon shakes his head, a frown on his forehead and his lips pressed together.

"No. He just said you wanted to go to a private school in England to get away from those disgusting boys."

I freeze, my breath catching, but I quickly smooth over my expression.

"Why would he do that? It wasn't my idea to come to England at all."

The best lies are mixed with a little bit of truth, Namjoon once told me.I allow the memories to come, even though they still hurt, but I need his advice and all he taught me.

"What?"

Seo-Joon's expression darkens- exactly what I want. Maybe my father isn't the only one who can use other people to his advantage. Seo-Joon may see our father as his saviour, but for some reason he seems almost obsessed with me. I'd seen it that first day we met on the mayor's party- the way he seemed fascinate by me, his eyes following my every move, approaching me even though my father had been against it. And he had come all the way to England, just to see me- if that isn't proof enough.

"Yes. He said I had to go because he no longer trusted me. I had just found out you were my brother then and I begged him to let me meet you one last time. But he said you didn't want to."

Slowly, Seo-Joon's eyes darken and darken. He shakes his head with a grimace.

"No, that can't be true. Father wouldn't do that. He knows how long I've waited to meet you."

He has grabbed my arms hard, squeezing me as anger curses through him.

"Why would I lie?" I breath innocently, holding his eyes.

Keep eye contact. They will be more likely to believe you because people always think you can read the truth in someone's eyes.

It's almost as if Namjoon is right there with me, whispering in my ear. Seo-Joon's expression switches from angry, to confused to disbelieving. He stares into my eyes too and I worry he might see too much as he suddenly hisses and pushes me away.

"How can I believe you? You worked with THEM. You betrayed us!"

I shake my head violently.

"That was before I knew you were my brother. And before I realized I was wrong. I know now. I know they only used me. They tried to turn me against my own family."

He is pacing in front of me, his expression agitated as he weighs my response. Suddenly he stops and steps into my space, his expression almost pained, like he wanted to believe me but couldn't.

"How can I trust you? I watched you, you know? I'm the one father set on you. I followed you when you went to that Junkyard. I saw you with them. And I was there when you went to that party in the old warehouse."

My breath hitches. I remember that night as if it was yesterday. My first party. My first time seeing Taehyung's pain as well.He is the one who shadowed me? He is the one who told my father all the information he needed to send my boys to prison or worse!?

Rage boils up in me. I'm so immersed, I hardly pay attention to that wall as it starts to crumble.Still, I have to control myself. Only until I get him on my side.

"That was before, Seo-Joon. I was stupid and naïve. Now I know who my true family is."

"I saw it," he only snarled, his expression turning murderous. "I saw how you danced with them. How you let them touch you. How you touched them. And I also saw you when you went to that rich kids party. I heard you!" he growls, anger in his deep voice.

He grabs my arms and shakes me so hard, I accidentally bite my tongue, the metallic taste spreading in my mouth.

"You said they were yours and you were theirs. I wanted to kill them."

My body feels cold, and my hands start trembling at his cruel, heartless voice. And the threat to my boys.

"I wanted to rip out Taehyung's throat and stab everyone of those bastards. How can they have you when I don't? How come you love them but you don't love me?"

Madness.

What I see in his eyes is utter madness. I was wrong earlier. I could still be afraid of him after all.

"I-I didn't know, Seo-Joon. I didn't even know you existed."

"But if you had the choice, you would choose them, right?"

"No. No I wouldn't. I told you, I'm done with BTS. I told them too, didn't father tell you?"

Thankfully see some of the confusion return.

"He did."

"See?" I say and smile sweetly. "I chose my family over them. I chose you, not them."

He grows even more confused, his hands around my arm loosening, but there will still be blue spots tomorrow. He stakes a step back, then turns. I watch his back as he breaths in deeply. I decide to go all in as I near him and put my arms on his shoulders, the touch gentle and caring.

"Please, Seo-Joon. We just found each other. Let's not fight."

He breaths out. Then turns.

"Well," he starts, a weird expression on his face.

"It's not like you could choose BTS any more anyway."

I furrow my eyebrows. The question is out before I can help it.

"What do you mean?"

He smiles, and my stomach drops. I take a step back like he physically hit me.

"There is no more BTS."

The words echo in my head, but they make no sense. Even if the world ended, those boys would stay together, holding on to each other like life-racks. It's the one thing I counted on- that even if I had to leave them, they still had one another.

And Namjoon promised me he would look out for them. It's the only reason I left for England. Knowing they would bee all right as long as he was with them.

"What do you mean?" My voice is hollow and small.

Seo-Joon takes a step forward and I take one back, his dark grin making me sick."You really did a great number of them when you left. Who should I start with? Maybe that rich kid. Hoseok?"

I shake my head. I don't want to hear it. I can't hear their names or be reminded of their faces. They are okay. They have to be. Because I sacrificed everything for it. For their happiness.For their bond. For their future.

"I heard he is in a new bar every night, drugged out of his mind and screaming your name like a crazy person. Not long until he takes and overdoes. I'll give him about three more weeks."

I choke, my throat closing. No. He's lying. They're okay. They have each other. And Namjoon would never let them break apart. He fucking promised me!

It's like my misery is feeding Seo-Joon's glee as he continues.

"Jin got into a car accident while being totally stoned. Crashed right into a tree. Doctors say he might never fully recover. I paid him a visit in the hospital bed. And boy, it was a sight to be seen. I was only angry I hadn't done it myself. It was an artwork, all the bruises and cuts. And his drooling face. Ha!And Jungkook-"

"Stop it. Just stop it."

I can't listen to this. It's not true. He's lying. How can my world fall apart again?Haven't I given enough?Did I not hurt enough?

Is this the price for being happy? For feeling like I finally belonged somewhere? For finding love?

Seo-Joon chuckles.

"But don't you want to know about your old friends? You liked that Jungkook kid, right? I saw how you got him and the little guy together. But I'm afraid it didn't last. They got into a huge fight in this bar. I think Jungkook didn't like the way Jimin talked about you, saying you betrayed them and it was better that you left and you should never show your face again. Jungkook lost it when Jimin said you never belonged to them anyway. That Jungkook was weak and pathetic. Puh, I have to say, Jungkook has a mean right hook. Jimin got knocked out in the first round. And when he realized what he had done- well it had to feel oddly like a replay of his life story. Not sure where he went to after that, but it certainly wasn't anywhere near Jimin. And poor, little angel Jimin. Tsk. He went off the rails. I'm not sure you could call him a whore, since he doesn't take money, but he does leave the bar he now calls his home with a different guy every night."

"Stop!" I scream, as I put my hands over my ears. My wall crumbles and crumbles and I let it.

Seo-Joon shoots forward and forces my hands down, then snarls into my face.

"But why? You loved them so much, didn't you? Don't you wanna know about your hacker boy? So would I, to be honest. He just dropped from the face of the earth. Like he never existed. Kinda boring, but hey, judging by all of their coping skills, I doubt he's doing much better than the others. Perhaps he's already in prison again, this time for good. Oh... but RM. That one is interesting. He always pretended to be so strong and in control. So above everyone else. Your oh so perfect leader. And so smart. Ha! He barley gets sober enough these days to figure out what one plus one is. All he does is drink and cry and whine and then drink some more until he passes out. That hot lady with the curves tried to set him straight again, but he just ignored her- told her to go fuck herself. Eventually she stopped trying."

I didn't think I still had a heart. But it's bleeding now, the pain and horror of his words opening up a thousand little holes. Holes I put there myself when I left them and which widen as I listen to what happened after I'd gone.

Tears are flooding down my face, unstoppable. I ruined them. I did this. They might not be in prison, but I broke them- their bond, their friendship. The reason they lived.

"No, please. Please stop." I cry. I don't care that I'm begging. I just want this to stop.

Seo-Joon reaches out and just like before, he lovingly pats my head, but it feels more like a mocking gesture.

"Why? I thought you don't care about them any more? Tell me, sister," he spits and I flinch, his face inches from mine.

"Do you still care about Taehyung?"

Horror fills me even more. I push him away. I want to push everything away, but Seo-Joon is prepared, grabbing my wrist and pulling me close until I collide with his chest.

He smiles down at me like he can't wait to ruin my world. Which he does.

"He was already pretty fucked up when you met him, wasn't he? I suppose killing your mother and father does that to a person. But you leaving- that was the final straw."

I shake my head again and again. No. No!He's okay. I left. I broke myself. I gave up my freedom, my happiness and my life so they could have all that I've given up.

"I kept an eye out especially for him. I hated him the most. He took my sweet innocent sister and turned her into a slut. Turned you against me and our father! How could I ever forgive him?"

His smile turns feral, cruel amusement shining in his eyes.

"I was there that night he went to that bridge in the middle of the night. I watched him climb that railing, looking down at the empty darkness beneath. He stood there for a while.Almost like he was waiting for something. Or someone."

I close my eyes.

Waiting for six boys. Six boys who stopped him from jumping before. Six boys who didn't come this time.

I know what he is going to say, but my mind doesn't want to accept it, the mere thought too cruel- too unfathomable. But he says them anyway. Ruins my world.

"There was no change in his eyes. He already looked dead as he let himself fall.Your precious Taehyung is dead. He killed himself."

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