⫣55⫦ Far from Home

 Lian POV

I feel nothing. I am nothing. I don't want to be anything. Not after what I did to them- what I had to do. I know they will hurt. If they love me a fraction of the way I love them, they will hurt for a long time. But I... I'm beyond hurt.I only feel empty. Like the very essence of my life was ripped from me. "You did well, Lian." I look up at my father. I know I hate him.I know there is rage in me and anger and despair. But I have made the wall around my heart so strong, nothing can penetrate it, not even that. I only know what I have to do. Like a machine, going through the motions.

"Thank you dad." My voice is calm and gentle, my hands folded in my lap as I sit straight on the sofa, my father in front of me. The wiretap he made me wear lay abandoned on the living room table. "Now, you should go start packing. Don't wanna miss your flight, do you?" I look up. I smile. "Yes. I wouldn't." I stand and do as I was told. England. My father thought it best to have me far away from the boys, sending me to yet another all-girl private school in some abandoned town in North England where I was told to behave and be the old Lian again. His darling, little girl. And I will go. I will live in my own worst hell if it means my boys are save. I'm done with packing after only ten minutes. I don't care about the stuff I'm taking. Nothing in this house is of any importance to me anyway.I left all I cared about behind me. Then I just sit there in my room, looking and thinking about nothing.

******  

"You will call us every day, okay honey?" my mother says as we stand in front of the airport gate. This is as far as they are allowed to come. My mother has tears in her eyes. For the first time in my life, I had heard her argue with my father about sending me away. But to no avail. My father convinced her that it was the best thing for me and I had agreed. 

"Yes, I want to go." "The school sounds amazing." "I will learn a lot." The words left my lips smoothly and easily. My mother eventually agreed. "I will mom, I promise." You promised. You promised you wouldn't leave.I shut down the voice in my head. Little things like these sometimes slip through my wall and I have to reinforce the crumbling fence around my heart.

 A tear slips free from my mother's eye as she gently strokes my cheek.

"My little Lian. Please take care of you over there. Eat well and sleep enough. Don't go out too late and make a lot of friends. One day, it will be of great use to build relationship with powerful people, you hear me?" I nod. I smile.I don't even feel disappointment at her words anymore.  I answer only because it is expected of me. "Don't worry mom. I'll be fine." She hugs me closely, her citrus smell entering my nose, making me want to gag. I can barricade my heart, but not my physical reactions. She lets go of me and I turn my attention to my dad. He smiles at me. I smile back. He hugs me too, bringing his mouth close to my ear. "Behave, or you know what will happen to those boys." The threat shoots past my wall and fear zaps through my body. I can't breath, my vision turning white as I ring for control. Then I close that wall tight, drowning everything out just when he lets me go again. "I will miss you so much," I tell them with a lovely smile. Then I turn and head to the security gate. I turn back once, waving to my parents and they wave back. Such a happy family. When I am ushered through by the security guard and my parents are out of view, only then do I drop my smile. I walk amongst the people, seeing no one and nothing, every step putting me further away from the boys. A single tear escapes my eye- a physical reaction I can't control, even as I just feel emptiness. I keep walking. 

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⋘⋘ Three Months Later ⋙⋙

Every day is the same here in England. The weather is rainy and windy all the time. When you look outside the old mansion that is the private school, all you see is dark forest, green fields with puddles and flecks of dirt and then more forest. I keep to myself. I don't talk to anyone unless I have to. I eat only because I have to, not tasting anything and yet I seem to loose weight. I do the bare minimum, keeping myself in the background. I don't party, I don't smoke, I don't go out after dark. I don't go outside at all, my skin turning paler by the day. My grades are perfect only because there is nothing else I have to do but study. I practically throw myself in my studies. It helps me drown out the world a little more. I never let any feelings in, except when I sleep and that is not by choice. I wake up screaming, tearing at my bedsheets several days a week. 

I see all their faces. 

I see Jungkook's tear-streamed face as he clings to me. I see Namjoon's hurt expression when I call him RM again and tell him he is nothing but a manipulative monster. I hear Jimin, Jin and Yoongi beg for me not to go and Hoseoks sobs when I do. But most of all, I see Taehyung- the way my words broke his heart.I know there is a story to it. I know, that whatever happened in his past, with his parents, there was an explanation. There was a reason. I know it as clear as I know the sun rises in the morning. I saw it in his eyes. Hate, yes, but agony: the pain of loosing someone you deeply love. His mother?   I don't know what happened, or if he might have killed that man who was his biological farther, but it doesn't matter to me. He is still Taehyung. My Taehyung. And I broke him, as he knelt in the rain in front of me, begging and begging me to stay. 

And I keep hearing his scream as I made it out of the camp. The sound would haunt me for the rest of my life. The next day I would find scratches and bruises all over my body, like I had crawled at myself in my nightmares, trying to lessen the pain. I had to see a doctor because my room neighbours bitched about being unable to sleep because of my screaming. I had stared at the pills for hours. I shouldn't take them. There is a boy I love who got messed up because of them, and another who hurt someone he loved.  But that seems like an eternity ago. And I no longer feel anything. It's better just to give in, so I take them. Now I sleep the same as I spend my day: in nothingness. The only thing that keeps me going, is the knowledge that I am saving them with each breath I take. And so I will keep breathing.

*****

"Yeah, a field trip." the blond, Barbie bitch next to me yells excitedly. We're in a bus, heading to some sort of art gallery in Oxford. I just want to be in bed, take my medication and fall into a deep, senseless sleep. Everything, even getting out of bed, takes more and more energy every day. I stare out the window, watching the world fly past me. Everything looks the same here. The same dark green, the same dark clouds in the sky, the same brick houses and small villages once every five minutes. Once we pass a little lake. 

Next to the shore stands a little run-down hut and someone had moved plastic chairs outside. A bright image flashes through my head, of glittering water, loud laughter and the crackling of open fire and music. A second later it's gone, and there is just the dark still water of the lake, the plastic chairs dripping with rain and the sky dark like a gloomy pressure from above.  I look away quickly. We finally make it to Oxford, leaving the bus and heading to the gallery. I keep to the back. To my left is a designer shop, displaying a silver dress. I remember the feeling of the fabric against my skin, and then hot hands shoving it up and over my ass. I look away quickly. There across the street in front of a cinema is a black pick-up truck with an open back.  I hear the screams and yells of seven boys, eating junk-food, drinking soju, showing pedestrians the middle finger with wide grins and feel the wind in my hair. I look away quickly.  This is why I hate going outside. No matter how thick my wall has become, everything reminds me of them. They are in every detail, everywhere I look.  "And this is one of our most recent additions to our collection." 

I only hear the art director in the back of my mind as I try to concentrate on keeping that wall tightly shut. 

I just want to be back in my room. I don't want to walk the open street, breath fresh air and feel the wind on my skin. Not when I can never be free again. "It's called the Black Swan." My head snaps to the front and lands on the massive painting. A beautiful woman in a black, tight dress and tutu spreads her hands wide. Her feet are hovering in the air, her lips open in ecstasy and behind her back two massive, dark wings spurt out, lifting her into the air. Just like the tattoo that would forever be stitched on my back. A choking sound leaves my lips, my hands shaking at my sides as I try to reign my emotions.  "Lian? Are you okay?" I blink at my teacher, her face worried as she looks at me. I open and close my mouth like a gaping fish. "I-I, I just need the toilet. I'll be right back, Miss Carter." She doesn't look convinced but nods. I basically run through the building, shoving people out of my way and ignoring their annoyed expressions. I snap for air the moment I'm outside, but the pressure in my chest doesn't lessen. My body feels hot and cold, my mind blurring. 

A panic attack. I'm having a panic attack in the middle of a busy street. It only ever happens at night in my room. I look around in rising panic. There, to my left, is a little alley. I run on shaking feet, then lean against the wall, rolling in on myself, drawing my legs close. I don't care about the dirt or the smell of urine. I try to shut everything out, closing my eyes as I desperately repair my wall. My breathing slowly returns to normal, my body relaxing and no longer shaking.Careful, afraid I might puke all over the street, I get back on my feet. Because I have to. I have to go on.Have to live so my family is save. 

Closing my eyes, I gather the strength I need to join my group again. 

I don't see it or hear it. Suddenly there is something pressed in front of my mouth and nose, the taste bitter and acid. My eyes fly open. The man in front of me grins with cruel, dark eyes. "Lian. Finally I found you."I jerk and try to free myself, but he hold me tight.

Panic floods me as I meet dark eyes. As I recognize the handsome features.  Impossible. He can't be here. Not him of all people.  I try to fight him off, my broken nails barley doing any damage. My body is too weak and powerless against his hold and the thing pressed against my mouth makes by head spin. My body turns numb, my muscles giving out and my vision is blotched with dark spots. "Shh, shh. Everything will be all right. I'm here now." There is nothing I can do as he lovingly pats my hair, his expression glowing with excitement and something else. But I have no time to figure out what it is as the darkness takes me.

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Who might it be....