⫣31⫦ Lies and Reasons

Let me give you a little tip: NEVER trust happy moments cause it usually means shit's about to hit the fan...

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I open my eyes and blink into the rays of sunlight tingling on my face.

For a moment I don't know where I am as I look around me.

Then it all comes rushing back.

I sit up and look next to me, expecting Taehyung there, remembering how he tugged me into bed last night.

But he isn't there. I'm alone. One look at the watch over the bed tells me why. It's already afternoon. I slept for more than half a day! My parents are probably going absolutely bonkers! I look for my phone and then smack my hands on my face, realizing I've left it in the truck with all my other belongings. Getting out of bed, I walk straight to the little bathroom. But when I look and smell my clothes from the day before, I make a face and decide I'm definitely not going to wear them. I walk back out and stand in the middle of the trailer for a while, just looking at the space in front of me. Even though I desperately need to call my parents and get home eventually, I'm not ready to leave just yet. A massive smile has started forming on my face the moment I remembered where I was, and it hasn't left. I feel happy. This is the life I want and no other. I might still have to go home and deal with everything there, but I will never be the old Lian again, because I now know she was never me. One month, I told the boys. I meant it. I will of course try to talk to my parents. I will try and have them accept me for who I am. But I've been raised by them- I know them better than I know myself. And if there is one thing I'm absolutely certain about, it's that they will hate everything about the real me. I'm the exact opposite of the person they raised. The smile fades from my lips. I'm going to hurt them- bad. And I'll be hurting too- for a while. And yet it's something I have to do. Because this is My Time. And it's my life. I finally scurry into action, all the while wondering where Taehyung might have gone. He's probably sitting outside with the boys. And indeed, when I head to the little window facing the canopy, I can make out the distinct shape of seven boys sitting together on the terrace. I smile and turn back around in excitement at heading out to them but my eyes catch a mirror I hadn't noticed yesterday. I am still only wearing the grey shirt Taehyung gave me, and although I love the comfort of it, I'd rather not meet the other boys like this. I head over to the little dresser, confident that Taehyung won't mind me helping myself to some of his clothes. I actually find a pretty green blouse that must be pretty tight on Taehyung, because it fits me just fine, if not a bit long. But the pants... none of them will fit. I open the drawer beneath and start looking for a belt for the black shorts I went for. I find a simple black one at the very bottom and pull it out. It probably still looks a little big on me, but at least it wouldn't fall off my hips any more. Just as I'm about to close the drawer again, something white catches my eyes. A folder. I know I probably shouldn't be snooping around, but something makes me pull it from it's hiding place at the very bottom. I try not to grin as I imagined what exactly a teenage boy might be hiding in his drawer. It must be porn for sure. But when I open the cover, the grin falls from my face. It's not porn. It's a man. And not just any man. On the top corner of the first page, my father stares back at me. I remember the day the picture was taken too. We all got our passport photos that day- all dressed up in our fineries as we smiled for the camera. My mind wont work as I try to find a reason for this to be here- in this trailer among Taehyung's things.

A long list of all my fathers accomplishments, all his cases and rewards are listed on the page below. I skip the paper and another man smiles at me. Another face I recognize as one of my father's friends. The same on the next page and the next and there are only a few faces that I don't know. A thought hits me then- a thought I don't even want to acknowledge but it keeps swirling around in my head. Part of me always wondered why. Why me? Why did BTS take such an interest in me when they clearly never had with any other girl? Momo mentioned that they usually just kept to themselves in school, not bothering anyone unless bothered first. And all the astonished and curious looks the party goers threw me when I walked in with BTS also leads me to believe they usually kept to themselves. Why me then? What was so special about me that they approached me and kept pushing me to hang out with them? My hands tremble as I take another look at my father's handsome face, smiling like he never knew how to do anything else. I'm out the door before I know it, the folder crumbling in my hand as I can't control the storm raging on inside me. The seven of them look at my direction the moment they hear the trailer door open. "Well, would you look at who finally made it back from the dead!" J-Hope waves with a wide grin, but it quickly fades when he sees my expression. They all tense when I stand in front of them and hold up the folder. I see Taehyung pale, stumbling a step back like I just hit him.

The others look equally drained. I have troubles keeping my voice down to normal volume. "Why is there a folder on my father and his friends in your drawer, Taehyung?" I stare at him even as I see fear flash in his eyes. But I'm too confused- too scared of a truth I can't bare. "Why me?", I scream, and look back at the others. "Why me?" My voice breaks, like all the fear and hopes for it not to be true comes rushing to the surface. It's RM- always the leader, who steps forward first. He looks at me like I'm some scared off cat he wants to sooth, hands raised and approaching with caution. "It's not that simple, Lian. We were going to tell you- today. You shouldn't have found that before we had a chance to explain everything from the beginning." "Beginning?" I echo, my vision blurring and I take another step away from them. "That's..." I turn to Taehyung, remembering where all of this started. He still hasn't spoken, his hands clasping and unclasping at his sides, like he has no idea what to do. "Why were you really in my garden that night? You're going to tell me this was all just coincidence, do you? Was there ever weed that you stashed there?" I remember it clearly and wonder how I have never questioned it before. How utterly ridiculous to hide their drugs in a place where anyone could move in at any moment, especially when they have a hidden place like this. He finally steps towards me, but I see the apologetic look in his face and just know. It was all a lie. I stumble back and there is no longer just a flash of fear in his eyes: there is terror. I almost break out into laughter. Hilarious that he looks like his world is ending! "Why? Why did you decide to bring me to the beach? Why did you try and try again to get me to hang out with you guys? Was my father the reason for it?" They don't answer, but they don't have to.I can read their faces well enough by now. Something twists in my heart, so painful that I grab that place over my chest where it hurts the most.A place they filled these past weeks: with joy, freedom and happiness, and yes- also their pasts, but it only made me fall for them more. And that's what this feeling is - my heart breaking. They have stopped trying to approach, but Suga raises his hand like he's trying to calm me down too. I don't understand why until I feel the wetness on my cheeks. I am crying. "You need to listen to us, Lian. It's a long story and an ugly one and once we tell you, this pain you're feeling will probably be nothing compared to it." RM steps forward again, but this time I don't back away, Suga's words leaving me more confused than ever. RM's voice is full with sympathy and understanding, and maybe that's why I decide to let him speak instead of throwing more questions at them.Or perhaps start throwing punches. "I want to give you a choice here, Lian. And we'll accept either one. You can turn around now and go back home. Apologize to your parents and pretend the last three weeks haven't happened. We promise never to bother you again. You'll never have to see us again. It will be like we were never there in the first place." "NO!" I scream and take a step forward before I have even the chance to think about why I said it. Only that the fear that grabbed me at his words were worse than anything I could ever handle. But then I realize how pathetic that makes me. If it's true what I just found out, it means they used me. Used me to get to my father, for whatever reason. "What's the other choice?" I ask RM who just waited as I sort my thoughts, trying to fight through the assault of emotions. I see the same look cross his face that I had seen on the beach when he told me the boy's stories. The look of responsibility and burden he bore, weighing down on him. As their leader. As the one they look up to. Depend on. "We'll explain it all. Why we sought you out. Why we tried to get close to you. And what your father has to do with all of it. But, Gods," he lets out and shakes his head, like he wishes he doesn't have to say it. It's enough to gift me with a dark sense of premonition. He takes a moment to control his mass of emotions I see flashing across his features: fear, hope, sadness, shame and guilt. His voice is rough and heavy with all of those when he looks back at me. "What Suga said is true. We'll tell you everything- all of our reasons but it's going to hurt you, Lian. It's going to break your family and ruin every chance you might have had at a normal life. Even if you wake up one day and realize you want to go back, you wont be able to. So we're giving you a choice. Walk away now and choose your family.Or stay and listen, but know that you wont be able to look at your father the same ever again." In my heart, another sort of pain starts rising. Rising at the thought of what my father has done that makes these seven bad boys look at me with sympathy and fear- fear for me. Because they believe my father has done something so terrible it might destroy me. And for the first time, there's something I don't want to know. The logical choice is to walk away and forget them, just like RM offered me -offering me a back door, just like he had that first day in the beach. But there are things I can endure and there are those I can't. I take a deep breath, trying to sort the rushing trains of emotions and thoughts racing through me. "I just need to know one thing before I choose," I tell them and meet all of their eyes. Another tear escapes me, as I fear the answer. "Was it all a lie? All that we did and you said and the things I felt? Was it all a lie?" Before anyone can say anything, Taehyung moves and pushes past RM towards me. This time I don't back away.

I need the answer. I have to know, so I let him approach.

He stops in front of me, and hesitantly, like he worries I might push him like I did yesterday, he raises his hands to my face and wipes a tear away from my face. His hands are shaking as he does so, but there is an urgent look in his eyes as he holds my gaze. "From the moment I got to know you, nothing has ever been a lie. We had our reasons for approaching you, yes, but getting to know you became the reason we wanted you to stay. All of us for different reasons, but all of us because you are you." One by one I see the others step forward, Jungkook being the first, his eyes wide and vulnerable, making him look so much younger, his voice frail and quivering with barely contained emotion. "I want you to stay because you finally showed me how to forgive myself. How to Love Myself despite the things I've done." "And I want you to stay," Jimin says, stepping forward and intertwining his hands with Jungkook's."Because you gave me the one thing I've always wanted and never thought I could have."

They share a look filled with love and admiration before their eyes drift to me again. I watch Jin approach, a tear rolling down his face, my emotions already a whirlwind again, my breathing and heartbeat irregular. "I want you to stay because no one has ever put me first, like you did with Joy. You defended me and reminded me that I'm worth more than what others want me to believe." The tears keep coming, but for a different reason now as Suga steps up too. "You know what I realized when I saw the CCTV footage of you climbing our gate? I realized you are a person who is relentless and will never stop trying to get what she wants. I want you to stay, because I will always want us to be the thing you want to get to. So no matter where we are, we will always have a person who will come for us." Like his own mother never came for him when he was in Juvie, his eyes seem to add. J-Hope comes up next and his wide eyes are filled with honesty and vulnerability. "I want you to stay because you make me laugh- and you make the others laugh too. I'd like you to stay, so that when there are times where I won't be able to, there is someone else who will." RM doesn't need to step forward since he's been at the front all along. There are no tears on his face and while his voice is tinged in sadness, I see the calculative, brilliant mind. And not for the first time, I wonder if his mind is perhaps more a curse than a gift. "You're smart, Lian. Smart and funny and brave and reliable. If you're around, I always feel like I'm no longer the one who has to carry it all. I don't always have to use a part of me I fear. The reason I created BTS is so that we can help each other and deal with our pasts by giving each other strength. But you've managed to help each and every one of us in the short time you've been with us, and more than you might know." I close my eyes for a moment as all their reasons and confessions reach my soul and change it forever. Then I open them again and look at the only person who hasn't told me his. "And why do you want me to stay, Taehyung?" He doesn't hesitate, his voice filled with utter conviction. "Because you make me want to live." Behind me, I see the widening of the other member's eyes. Hope and relieve shimmers there and I'm reminded of how they've met Taehyung on that bridge. So close... almost too late. I nod, more to myself than to the others. It settles into my heart, binding itself to my very essence and I take a deep breath. Here comes the choice- between logic and emotions. "I know what I'm going to choose." As one they hold their breath, the camp suddenly quiet, like even the birds are waiting for my answer. I hold their eyes, resolution in my heart. "I choose my family," I declare. Their reaction is immediate and has me realize that I am not the only one who has gotten way too attached to them in such a short time as they look at me with sadness, shock and desperation. But it's Taehyung in front of me that holds all my attention as his eyes fill with tears. It's the only punishment I will give them for using me. This moment of thinking they've lost me, so they might never try to do anything like this ever again. But it's hurting me as much as them, so I reach out my hand and do the same thing he has done for me. I wipe away Taehyung's tears and let the emotion which build up at their words flow trough me. "I choose my family, Taehyung. But it's not the one I was born into." His eyes widen in astonishment as he understands my meaning. Understands which choice I made. Following my heart. My instinct. Choosing the boy who made me want to live too. Truly live. I get on my tip toes and kiss him. It's nothing deep or heated, but a kiss of promise, both our lips salty from crying. I draw away and smile at the happiness forming on his face- and the relive. "This is my family now." Then I look past him at RM. "Tell me everything."

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