Chapter 9 - Harvey

I headed down to the firm after leaving Ana at the hospital, with her fiancè. I hope work takes my mind off the whole situation, but I doubt it. I dare someone to piss me off today.

I find Donna sitting on the couch as I enter my office. "Oh, no..." I sigh

"What?" she asks

"You have that look on your face like you want me to have some emotional conversation I don't feel like having" I answer

"No, I just came in here to see if you needed anything"

"I don't" I answer as I sit down

"Ok, great. I'm leaving" she walks away. But, sure enough, she turns back around. "Oh, by the way, I talked with Louis..."

"Congratulations" I reply, without paying attention

"During our conversation, I might have slipped and mentioned the phonecall you got from Dr. Anastasia Morgan a couple of days ago"

I stop.

"Oh, now I have your attention?" she smiles. "Louis mentioned that he had met Anastasia, back when you two were associates and her last name was Hardman, but he said I should come to you for more details because you were closer to her. So, naturally, I asked him what that meant and he told me about a deal, that she was supposed to shadow you for two months but disappeared after only 2 weeks. He also remembers you being totally unfocused for months after she left. And now, your reaction tells me that it was something more than shadowing. What did you do, Harvey?"

"I didn't do anything" I answer

"Harvey..."

"I didn't" I repeat. "But maybe I should have..." I whisper under my breath.

Donna pauses for a moment. She closes the door of the office and pours both of us a drink.

"I read in her bio that she went to Stanford. Is that the reason she left?" she assumes

"She was supposed to stay and go to Hopkins. But Hardman was disappointed she didn't get into Harvard for the second time, so he kicked her out, cut her off, and cancelled her admission there.  Afterwards, he told everyone that she ran away to travel the world" I explain. "The funny thing is, she actually got into Harvard. She just lied because she didn't want to go to law school" I reveal to her and take a sip of whiskey.

"And she didn't tell him the truth after that?" she asks

"She didn't want to. She said there was no going back on now. I bet a lot of ugly things were said during the argument. I told her I'd fix it and I tried. I wanted to give her Hopkins back, at least. And even though she gave me 3 days, she had already booked a flight to California for the next day".

•••

I spent all day yesterday researching and then headed down to Maryland. I arrive at Hopkins in the early morning. Students are already roaming campus; some go to class while others are returning to the dorms and they are far from sober.

I head to the dean's office and get passed his secretary even though I don't have an appointment.

"Rise and shine, Willy" I announce as I enter his office, "Do you have a minute or you gotta go to destroy another person's dream today?"

"Excuse me, who are you?" he asks

"Harvey Specter, Harvard law"

"And what are you doing here at Hopkins Med?" he wonders

"I'm here on behalf of Daniel Hardman" I lie, "I believe he asked you for a favor two nights ago..." I mention

"There was no favor. He brought some details to my attention about a certain candidate, and it was my decision to withdraw our offer" he states

"And by 'certain candidate' you mean his daughter" I point out.

"My decision was unbiased" he claims

"No, it wasn't" I insist, taking a step closer. "And you're going to fix it, now"

"There is nothing to be fixed" he insists

"Oh, ok. I get it, you are fair. So you'll also get it when I sent this to my friend that writes for Daily Mail..." I slip a file across his desk.

It's phone records between him and Daniel from two nights ago. One is before the withdrawal of Ana's offer, and one after. And right behind that sit several money wires between the two of them.

"I just want to be fair" I smirk

"No. This is unrelated. These are just bets we set during golfing sessions" he claims

"Oh, I believe you" I reply, not convinced. "But I will let the rest of your bosses decide for themselves when the news get out" I threaten.

"What do you want?" he asks

"Here we go" I smile. "I need Anastasia Hardman's offer back"

"I can't do that. The rejections are final"

"Then open applications again, let her apply again and accept her" I suggest

"That's not how it works"

"I don't care!" I hit my hand on the desk. "Make it work!" I demand.

My phone starts ringing. I check the caller ID and see Kate's number. Worried that something happened to Ana, I excuse myself and pick it up immediately.

"Specter" I answer

"Yeah, I know" she sighs. "I am not supposed to tell you, but I feel bad so I'm gonna; Anastasia is leaving"

"What?"

"She on her way to the airport. I tried to get her to stay for a few days, like she originally said, but she isn't changing her mind" she reveals.

"I'm on my way" I hang up and run.

I race back to New York and head to JFK. I buy a ticket to a random flight to get through security. I head to the lounges and immediately spot Ana in the crowd.

"Excuse me. Can you tell me what day it is?" I speak as I sit stand her. "Because if I'm not mistaken, you're leaving two days earlier than you're supposed to" I point out

"What are you doing here?" she avoids looking at me

"Taking you home?"

"No, you're not" she chuckles

"You're right. I'm not. I'm taking you somewhere better" I state and take her hand to make her follow me

"And where would that be?"

"My place"

"Absolutely not. I'm leaving, Harvey"

"No. I have two more days" I remind her

"I changed my mind"

"No"

"No what?"

"No, you don't go back on your word" I insist.

"Harvey, stop!" she pulls her hand back. "This isn't your decision to make. I've already made up my mind".

"What if I can make it better for you here?" I suggest

"How? In California, I have family I can stay with, a college program and a potential job waiting for me"

"For starters, I am in the process of getting you back in Hopkins" I mention

"Let me guess; you blackmailed someone" she rolls her eyes

"Well... Sometimes good guys have to do bad things to make the bad guys pay"

"You sound just like my dad right now..." she shakes her head

"Like I said, I'll get you Hopkins and then... you can come stay with me for as long as you need to"

"What?" she freezes

"You heard me"

"I can't just move in with you. We are not..." she pauses and closes her eyes. "Harvey, we've known each other for 2 weeks" she reminds me

"Ana, I have fallen for you from day 1" I admit.

When she opens her eyes, they are filled with tears.

"Please, Ana..." I push her hair behind her ear and hold her face. "You're the most amazing woman I've ever met. And I don't want to lose you, not when I didn't even have a chance to have you".

"Trust me, this is not an easy decision for me" she admits as I wipe a tear from her cheek

"I will do anything to make it easier. I will bring the world upset down if I have to, if it gets you to stay. What do you need, Ana? Name it".

"Don't make this harder than it already is..." her voice breaks

"Ana--"

"I want to believe you, Harvey. I truly do want to believe that you will fix everything. But nothing is certain. What if Hopkins doesn't work out? What if we don't work out? Then I will be unemployed, homeless and definitely not in the way of becoming a doctor -a dream I fought so hard to get to because of my own father's disapproval over the years.

"My whole life juct collapsed before my eyes. I can't take any more chances right now. For my own wellbeing, I need to follow the safest way this time" she explains

I hate to admit it, but I get it. She is scared, and not in the position to gamble about her future. I hate that I understand her perspective. I hate that I'm considering letting her go.

"What about your mom and your sister?" I remind her

"My sister is 4, I doubt she'll even remember me in a couple of years. And my mom... I'll try to stay in contact with her. But she ain't a saint either. You think it's a coincidence my sister was born when I was 18? They literally started trying for another child after I announced my career plans to them a couple of years prior. So, she agreed to another kid knowing he was looking to replace me already. Because I'm the faulty... The disappointment..."

"No, please, don't say that ever again".

In that moment, we hear the announcement that her flight is boarding.

"I have to go" she says but doesn't move or pull back from me.

I nod as my vision begins to get blurry. Everything from now on feels final. We've circled around one another for 14 days, and now it's over in a blink of an eye. Once again, I consider leaving with her. But, again, I come to the conclusion that I don't have the guts to do that at this moment.

I look away for a second, trying to blink away my tears. "I hate this" I admit

"Me too. But I have to do this for my own good"

"I understand" I reassure her

"Thank you" she sobs now, like she is finally relieved.

I wrap my arms around her and pull her in my chest. She fits so nicely against me that it almost feels illegal to have to let her go.

I hold her for one more second.

And then another one.

And then another one...

I'm not sure why it hurts so much. We've never even dated. It's ridiculous to feel this way over something that never even was to begin with. But my mind keeps saying what-if. What if we had more time? What if we could've been more? What if she is the one?

"In another life..." she whispers against my chest

"In another life" I repeat after her.

•••

"There hasn't been a day in the last 14 years that I haven't thought of her. I felt something in my chest when I saw her at Alicia's funeral. I don't know if it was hope or something else... But it quickly died when I saw the engagement ring on her finger. An uneasy feeling took it's place, and it comes back to me when I am reminded of it" my heart aches

"Are you sure there isn't anything--"

"She pulled her hand away from me in the hospital" I reply as confirmation.

Donna nods.

"Now, she is going to go back to Seattle. She is going to get married, have babies, family Thanksgivings and Christmas mornings..." I smile despite the tears that have began filling my eyes. "I'm truly happy for her. It's just... There was a time I pictured myself by her side in those moments" I admit out loud for the first time ever.

"Did you ever tell her how you feel?" she wonders

"She knows...".

Donna stays silent. She slips her hand in mine and gives me a comforting squeeze.

"Are you gonna be ok?" she asks

I take a breath, "Yeah, I'm going to be ok" I say, but it's the must uncertain thing I've said in a long time

"Good" she replies.

Letting her go the first time, broke me. Letting her go this time, is already destroying me.