Chapter 6 - Harvey

I thought I was going to feel better once I told Anastasia the truth. I thought I was going to feel better knowing she wouldn't want to see me anymore. I thought I was going to feel better when she'd leave and everything would go back to normal.

Instead, I've been feeling like shit ever since I got home. I could literally see the heartbreak on her expression when I admitted to using them all as blackmail material to cover her father's cheating. The way she reacted made me think of my own parents. How would I feel if someone who knew about my mom's cheating, used it and my dad as leverage instead of exposing her?

In the end, I told my dad about her cheating because it felt unfair to let him live in the dark. But when it came to the Hardman's, I had no problem letting Alicia live in the dark for 5 years. Maybe Anastasia is right; I am selfish and reckless.

Not able to sleep, I get out of bed, throw on some warm clothes, grab nothing but my keys and my phone, and head out. I jump in the Ferrari and drive out to the cemetery.

Thankfully the parking lot is almost empty, so I park to the nearest spot without looking around much. As I walk, I zip up my coat and keep my hands in my pockets.

God, it's freezing out here. Don't cold temperatures mean ghosts? I should have brought some salt. 

Approaching Alicia's grave, I see a figure crawled up by her tombstone. I stop a few feet away. I don't need to guess, I know exactly who it is. For a moment, I consider turning around and coming back later. I don't want to frustrate her more, she's already been beaten up enough these last couple of days.

My heart sinks the second Ana's little sob reaches my ears. Getting closer, I see that she is holding a notebook and she is shaking; I'm not sure if it's due to crying or the cold.

She closes the book and looks to the opposite direction once she is aware of my presence. "Stop" she says

"I didn't do anything" I reply

"You're here, and that's enough"

"It's public property, sugar"

"You know what I mean. And stop calling me sugar. I'm not..."

"You're not what?".

She pauses, and looks down. "I'm engaged" she reminds me

"Doesn't matter. You'll always be my sugar" I state.

"Why are you here?" she changes the subject, "And don't give me the public property bullshit again" she adds

"I felt the need to come and apologize to Alicia for the way I treated her behind her back. I realized that I shouldn't have done what I did. I would've found another reason to push Hardman out of the firm eventually" I confess

"And what made you come to that realization?" she wonders

"You" I answer. "I put myself in your shoes for a moment"

"You could never understand my perspective" she states

"Ok, I can't understand everything, but I can see enough" I admit.

She stays silent, waiting for me to explain.

I sit on the ground besides her. "My mom was cheating on my dad pretty much all my life" I reveal.

She finally looks at me.

"When I was 8 years old, I came home from school early one day and found out that my mom had a guest in the bedroom. But I didn't understand it then. I was 16 when I caught her cheating for real. She told me not to tell my dad because it would destroy our family. The next 2 years went by, I didn't say anything, and she went right on with dad's best friend. She even invited him to dinner afterwards and expected me to sit through it like nothing's going on. I couldn't keep it in anymore so, eventually, I told my dad. Queue the flights and divorce..." I explain.

"So, yeah... I kind of understand your position on that issue. And I see how bad I handled it. Alicia deserved the same honesty as my dad" I admit.

She nods, but stays silent.

"I don't believe you" she says

"What?"

"I don't believe you" she repeats, "I don't believe that you feel bad. I don't believe that you lived what you say you did. I think you came here just to make yourself feel better" she insists.

"Ana..." I sigh, "I know you're grief doesn't let you see things clearly right now, so I'm going to let this go"

"Oh, how kind of you..." she says ironically

"I'm serious!" I raise my voice. "I have no reason to lie to you"

"Of course you do. You want to approach me, bring me on your side and use me for what I can give you for the 'sake of the firm', just like you did with my mother. Well, guess what? Daniel already beat you to it; he invited my soon-to-be mother-in-law for dinner and arranged an accidental meeting to establish our relationship which he will use later to throw her off your firm's cases" she reveals.

"I don't care, Ana! I wouldn't care even if you were marrying the president. I just want to make sure you're ok and that you know I regret what I did" I raise my voice. But I take a breath to calm myself down.

"Not everyone's out to get you, Ana" I state.

And she stops. I can see her defenses fall immediately. Her eyes drop and another tear makes its way down her cheek.

"I'm not out to get you" I repeat.

"I'm sorry" she whispers as she buries her face her palms. "I'm so sorry" her voice breaks

"It's ok"

"No, it's not ok. Nothing is ok. My mom is dead. Daniel hasn't changed one bit -he might have gotten worse actually. I have a sister that doesn't recognize me anymore. My fiance's MIA. I have left my job and haven't picked up their calls for two days. Everything is falling apart. And I'm here, trying to put myself back together in a world that I no longer recognize" she cries.

"At the same time, you're here. Apologizing, sharing so many personal things, being nice, comforting me, making sure I'm ok. And the more time I spend with you, the more I miss how simple life used to be back when it was just you and me, pretending to solve cases together. I used to think that situation was bad and unnecessary, but now I miss how happy I was. I miss that girl; the sunshine" she cries even harder now.

I wrap my arms around her and pull her in my chest. "Sh, sh, it's ok" I whisper as I hold her tightly. One hand at her back and the other protectively on her head. "Everything is going to be ok" I remind her.

She is shaking and her cheeks feel almost frozen. I take my coat off and cover her with it. I hold her tightly over it. I wish she will stop crying soon, but I also hope she lets it all out. I will stay right here. Unlike her fiancè. But it's not a competition. But if it was, I'd be winning big time.

•••

"Harvey! Harvey! Harvey!" my name sounds almost like a song coming from her lips, breaking the silence of the empty bullpen at night

"What can I do for you, sugar?" I ask, as I keep my eyes on the report I'm finishing up so I can go home.

I haven't been able to look at her without making up dirty scenarios ever since the scene in the elevator. We both consciously pretended that it never happened and went on with our day. But I can still feel the way her ass sat perfectly against my hips and she brushed over my dick. I almost came right then and there. Pathetic...

However, I am ashamed to admit that I've been jerking off while thinking of her. I know it's wrong, but I can't stop thinking about her. The way her body felt against mine, the way her breathing changed when I touched her. Even now, as look at her fully clothed I keep thinking back to that moment.

"Remember when I told you that Stanford was my backup and Hopkins was my first choice?" she asks as she leans in my cubicle

"Yes" I answer

"Well, I didn't only get accepted into Stanford, but they are giving me a full ride scholarship and early admission since I have pretty much completed my obligations to my undergrad early. And this way I'll be able to finish earlier" she reveals.

I finally look up. "No way" I smile

"Way" she nods with an even bigger smile.

"Does that mean you're going to California?" I wonder

"That's the thing, I have no idea what to do" she admits as she walks around and sits on the side of the desk.

"Alright..." I put my papers away and turn my chair towards her. "What's going on in that brain of yours?"

"If I go to Hopkins, my dad has to pay for my tuition. I mean he doesn't have to, however my mom won't let me put myself into debt already. So, I'll be dependant on him. And he'll pay but I'll also have to hear him complain about paying tuition for not-Harvard. If I take the full scholarship to Stanford and get a job, I can be completely independent. Which means, he'll definitely complain less and less as he sees me become the best doctor this country has ever seen" she explains

"And most humble" I comment

"Says you"

"Right. Well, I've known you for 8 days, so I definitely can't make that decision for you"

"Great" she sighs.

"But I will tell you to do whatever you believe will be the best for you. Can you really handle med school and a job in California? Or can you stand hearing him for the next 5 years and not have to worry about anything else?" I outline her choices

"I either pay physically or mentally..." she breathes out

"Pretty much".

"Stanford is expecting my answer until the end of the month when the new semester starts. Which means 10 days..." she explains, sounding absolutely stressed.

"Then let's start with the basics. Did you give Hardman the fake rejection letter from Harvard?" I question in a lower voice

"No" she answers even more stressed

"You better do that soon before he calls his friends up there and finds out you got accepted. Because then he'll send you straight to Boston, and you won't have to choose between med schools" I remind her

"Yeah, you're right"

"I'm always right"

She rolls her eyes. "You weren't right about one thing..." she mentions

"What's that?"

"You said I'd love law by the end of this partnership. But I still don't see the appeal"

"You're my greatest defeat" I act hurt. "But I'll feel better if you come to dinner with me... For real this time" I suggest

"Really smooth, Specter" she chuckles

"I'm not afraid to ask for what I want" I smile

"Hm... And what do you want, Harvey?" she teases.

Fuck it!

I stand up and push my chair back. I tower over Anastasia and place my fists on the desk by each side of her hips. She leans towards me. It's almost like we're magnetized to each other. There is an electric tension growing in the space between us.

"I think you know exactly what I want" I keep my voice low.

My legs brush her knees and I step between them, parting her thighs as she adjusts herself. My fingers almost touch her thighs as I bring them closer on either side of her hips.

"Then say it" she insists

I close my eyes and lick my lips. "I want you, Anastasia" I admit out loud for the first time as my thumbs brush the outer curve of her ass where it meets the desk.

"Why?" she smirks

I stop. "Excuse me?" I ask confused

She reaches over and wraps her finger around my tie. Suddenly, she yanks it forward, pulling me in closer. I've never been more turned on in my life.

"Only few men were privileged enough to have me. So if you want me, tell me why I should let you be one of them. And you'll be judged by the legitimacy of your arguments" she explains, whispering in my ear.

I take a moment to think what I've gotten myself into. But neither of us moves. Neither of us comes to our senses. My mouth hovers over hers, never quite touching. We are breathing the same air as our bodies catch fire. My head is spinning, forgetting away all logic as I clung to the only thing that feels right. Her. I want this. I want her--

"Harvey!" Louis' voice makes us jump.

Anastasia launches herself forward in a panicked attempt to slide off the desk. But instead of dismounting, she only manage to crash into my crotch. For a second, she is sandwiched between the edge of the desk and my growing erection. I can almost feel how wet she is.

I grit my teeth and take a step back. I grip her hips and place her firmly on the floor.

"What are you doing? I've been calling you for the passed 10 minutes!" he continues as he comes over to us

"What do you want?" I ask as I sit down again

"First of all, I want to know what you two were doing here" he looks between us

"Non of your business. What do you--"

"I felt a bit dizzy and Harvey helped me stable myself. I haven't eaten much all day" Anastasia lies to cover it up

"Is that true?" he insists

"It wouldn't be the first time" I reply, giving her a side eye

"What? I forget sometimes" she insists.

"Ok, whatever. Hardman want to see you" he reveals

"Me? Why?" I ask

"Wouldn't say"

"Fine" I sigh and follow him.

Until he leaves the room. Once he is out I run back inside the bullpen to Anastasia. "A kiss for good luck?" I smile

She chuckle. "No. Go!" she pushes my shoulder playfully. Going to Hardman with a boner that his daughter brought me was not in my plans today.