Chapter 5 - Anastasia

I drive to my father's house after my talk with Harvey outside Pearson Hardman. I leave my car quickly and rush to the door. He opens within two seconds, "You were right, he did it. But that doesn't mean that things between the two of us are ok. I am still more than mad with you" I say immediately

"I understand. And I want you to know that I didn't tell you about his actions because I want to get between you two. I just want to be completely transparent" he states

I nod. "Thank you".

"Do you want to come in? Dinner is ready" he suggests

"I shouldn't--"

"It would be good for us and Sarah too" he adds.

I take a breath. "Ok, sure" I answer.

He lets me in and heads to the kitchen. But I stand by the door and take a good look around. Nothing has stayed the same. The house I remember growing up in has changed completely. I approach the wall of photos in the hallway. Mom, dad, Sarah; Anastasia is nowhere.

I wipe the tear away from my face, "I'm gonna go wash my hands!" I say

"Ok, honey" he replies from further inside.

But, instead, I head upstairs. I walk passed the rooms until I get to my roo-- my old room. I try the door but it's locked. So, I walk to the end of the hallway, getting to where I remember my parents' bedroom being. I open the door and see a changed room, but it's still the main bedroom. I slip in and shut the door again. I sit by my mom's side and touch her pillow. I take a deep breath to keep myself from crying. But my lungs fill with her familiar scent, that scent you only recognize as mom's hug.

I reach to her nightstand and open the first drawer. It's full of prescription pills and notes about them. I open the second drawer, revealing a pile of old photos -my photos. Me, mom and dad. From day one to my 22nd birthday. A quick look at them makes me tear up again. In that moment I realize that we'll never make more memories like these together. I lost her and 14 years of memories we could have created. All because of father-dearest.

There is a notebook at the bottom. As I pick it up, something shines from under it. I reach down and find a key. I grab it immediately and go back to my room. But before I get there, I hear the doorbell and freeze. Someone answers it and there is some chatting. I can't make out what they're saying exactly and I don't care to stick around to find out. I make my way to my old door and unlock it.

The sight makes me drop to my knees. Unlike everything else around here, this room has stayed exactly the same. My desk, my romance books, my posters, my bed, even the sheets. I sit on the floor and open the notebook I took from mom's nightstand.

'My lovely Anastasia' starts the first page and I'm already in tears. I go through the pages quickly and realize that every page starts with this. They seem like letters. But if I sit and read them here, I won't be able to get up. And I certainly don't want Daniel to comfort me.

I suck it up, I close it and keep it for later. I hide it under my coat. I sit up and take another look around the room. I wonder... I open the closet and look for my blue coat amongst the hangers. I finally find it in the back and look through the pockets for the paper. My hand stumbles upon it immediately and I take it out. I read through my 14-year-old acceptance letter from Stanford.

•••

Harvey gathers his things and we exit the courtroom together. "Did you see what I did there?" he asks, all proud

"You won your solo first case and wiped the floor with their faces" I answer

"Say it again" he requests

"Nope. Your ego doesn't need any more striking" I turn him down

"Fair" he drops it immediately.

We enter the elevator together and remain close to each other in order to continue the conversation without others listening.

"I won" he grins ear-to-ear. "I won! My first win!" he repeats keeping his voice low. "It felt amazing"

"Honestly, it did" I admit

"Does that mean you're thinking of staying?"

"Absolutely not. I helped you on this, because it was an important matter and it was pro bono, but I'm never doing that again. I'm not going to defend multi-million companies, they already got enough money. And I got bored to death with all that legal research. I prefer science articles" I reassure him

"Ok, fair enough" he chuckles.

"Either way, I'm happy you had no problem working on a pro bono. I couldn't demand from my dad to give you a better one" I mention

"No, it's absolutely fine. Now, thanks to us a single mother of three doesn't have to lose her house" he reminds me

"That's probably the best part of it" I smile.

The elevator stops a few floors before it gets to the ground. An employee carrying a cart of boxes enters, making all of us that were already inside step closer to each other.

A lady on my right bumps into me accidentally, causing me to lose my balance. Harvey's left arm wraps around my waist immediately, his fingers spread over my stomach as he stabilizes my body by pressing me against him.

I feel him all up against my ass. The air change immediately. Our closeness and the delicious fumes of his cologne make my core pulse and I wish he didn't feel it. Scenes from TV shows of couples making out in elevators flash through my mind.

We remain silent for the rest of the descent. I don't dare to move in fear I'll grind against his crotch. I don't even turn my head look back at him.

And this is just our 6th day together. How am I supposed to do 2 months?

We leave the courthouse in silence. It's so awkward. I search for ways to make up the situation and move on.

"Now that we are in the topic of good news, I have something to show you" I mention and take the folded papers out of my pocket to show him.

It's an acceptance letter from Hopkins and an acceptance letter from Stanford. "Congratulations. They'd be stupid to reject you" he smiles

"I got them this morning. Stanford was the backup anyway..." I say as I put the letter back in my pocket, "But Hopkins wants me! I'm going to frame this" I celebrate

"You got into Harvard too" he reminds me

I smack his arm, "We don't talk about that..."

"I know, but you got to decide"

"I have already decided. I'm going to Hopkins" I state

"And what about Hardman?"

"My dad doesn't have to know. End of discussion. Understood?" my tone is sharper now.

"I can help you draft a fake rejection letter from Harvard, before you show him Hopkins acceptance letter" Harvey suggests, showing me that he's on my side

"What makes you think I haven't done it already?" I smirk

"I love the way you think" he smiles. "We'll have time to look into that later. Now, I feel like celebrating. What about you?" he suggests

"I could use a break"

"Have you ever been to Carbon's?"

"No"

"Ahh. You're about to try the best steak you've ever had, sugar" he places his hand on my back as he talks to guide me to the right direction.

I don't react. I don't mind it. I let him invade my personal space, as long as I get to smell his heavenly cologne again.

"That sounds like a big upgrade from the trashy pizza we're used to having in the firm's library" I admit, not really referring to the food but our partnership

"I'm down for it. Unless, you aren't" he stops.

A second of silent passes.

My dad is going to kill me. Well, he's going to kill me anyway when he finds out that I'm not gonna go to Harvard. But that's a problem for another day. So I might as well have some fun in the meantime.

"Let's go, Specter" I say.

•••

I return downstairs and notice that there is a new guest, but she is no stranger to me.

"Ms. Atkins" I smile politely

"Anastasia! What are you doing here, honey?"

"I would ask you the same thing" I chuckle.

"Ladies..." father intervenes, "Don't tell me you know each other" he smiles. But I can see right through his clueless act.

"Of course we know each other. Anastasia is marrying my Matthew" she tells him before I can stop her

"Oh my... Anastasia, you didn't tell me you were engaged to judge Atkins' son. That is wonderful!" he says, excited.

"Absolutely. I had no idea you were related. I accepted your invitation to dinner when I heard you'd be going back to Pearson Hardman, but this turns out to be even better. And once you two get married, I'd never have to deal with Mr. Specter again" she admits light-heartedly.

My father laughs with her, but I am not sure why.

"I'm sorry, what does he have to do with this?" I ask

"I can't stand that man. But since Daniel is returning to the firm and you are marrying my son, we'll have a conflict. So, I won't be assigned to those cases anymore" she explains

"Oh, right..." I sigh as it clicks in my head.

He already knew who my fiancé is. So he called her here for dinner, in order to introduce himself and make it sound like he just found out too. And hopefully, take her on his side by using my relationship with her son.

"Can you excuse us for a moment?" I ask Ms. Atkins

"Of course" she replies and we take a couple steps away.

"What is it?" he asks

I slap him. "For a man who preaches about transparency and blaming Harvey for using people, you sure as hell do a lot of sneaking and using yourself"

"Anast--"

"Shut up! You haven't changed at all".

I leave before he can say more. I have no idea where to go. I just drive and drive, and then I am back to the cemetery. I decide to take that as a sign from my mom, and get out of the car.

I wrap my coat tightly around me, because the night is cold. The breeze makes my eyes hurt after all the crying. But I make it to mom's grave before I have another breakdown. I sit on the ground besides her tombstone and rest my head against it, like I'm leaning on her shoulder.

"I'm really sorry, mom. You didn't deserve that. If I knew what dad was doing, I would have taken you away from him. I would have taken you and Sarah, and I would have taken care of you. Unlike him, no one would have to blackmail me to make me realize how much I love you" I whisper.

I hear the sharp click of my engagement ring against the stone when I touch it. Looking at it, reminds me of the contrast between my life here and in Seattle. So many things have changed, yet others have stayed just the same...

Sarah is a woman now while my dad is still cruel. I am engaged now while Harvey is still... Harvey.

The truth is that I got a strange feeling in my chest when I saw him after the funeral. He looked better than ever; his shoulders are broader, his featured have aged gracefully, his voice got deeper, he carried himself so confidently and strong. I wanted to run into his arms immediately.

But that desire quickly ended when he admitted that he used my dying mother as leverage 5 years ago. In that moment, I saw how much he truly changed over the years. He is not the boy I knew at 22. He turned into a reckless, two-faced and selfish person, who only cares about winning no matter what the cost is. Just like my father.

I'm done putting up with men like my father.