17. Back in NYC

CARA

Today was the day. I was gonna move back to my old apartment in NYC. It hasn't gone a single day that I haven't thought of Kendall. And the days without her were torturing. The days were so long. But then the three months had passed, and it felt like the three months never had happened. 

I was finally going back to NYC. I could hang out with Mike. 

I said goodbye to my family, and dad drove me to the airport. I hugged him farewell and boarded the plane. From London to New York. This was gonna take a while...

I woke up when the plane landed. I was so jet lagged. But whatever, I just wanted home and cry.

I got off the plane and took a cab home. I ran up to my apartment and opened it. I was excited. I maybe had the hopes that Kendall would be there, and that Harry had told her everything. But she wasn't. I guess I had the hope because I gave her a key to my apartment. I wonder where she lives now. Maybe with her little sister or her parents. Yeah, she's probably with her family. 

I threw myself on the couch and called Mike.

"Hey Caz," he greeted. "Back from the family vacay?"

"You bet I am," I said tired.

"Was the trip good? I've missed you." 

"I've missed you too, and no, it was terrible."

I never lie to Mike.

"Why? Don't you like your family?"

"It's not that. It's about Kendall. I was really mean to her before I left, and then I just took off. I bet she hates me, and it was really hard to be without her. I miss her."

I didn't plan to tell him about Harry. I didn't want to hurt Kendall.

"Have you told her about your feelings? And why were you mean to her?"

"Because I had to. I couldn't hurt manage to hurt her. And no I haven't told her."

"You didn't want to hurt her and then you hurt her?" he asked confused. "What the hell Cara? Are you okay?"

"Yeah whatever. See ya." I said and hung up. He was right. I hurt her even though I really tried to not. I hurt her because I didn't want to hurt her. The hell is wrong with me?

I was tired, but I still had to smoke. So I went out and started to walk to my smoking spot. But then I saw that there was someone else on my smoking spot.

"That is my smoking spot," I mumbled to myself.

I walked up to the black dressed person and tapped his or her shoulder.

"Hey, this is actually-" I was speechless. "KENDALL!?"

"CARA!?" she looked at me with her cigarette in her hand. Her face was ruined with all the make up.

"WHY ARE YOU SMOKING!?" I yelled at her and took the cigarette out of her hand and threw it away.

She just glared at me.

"Am I not allowed to smoke?" she asked cocky.

I didn't know what to say.

"But you weren't that kind of girl..." I said with cracked voice. Will Harry hurt her now?

"Go to hell," she said and turned around facing her back against me.

"What has happened to you!? This is not Kendall!!" I saw myself in her. How I used to be happy, but then my boyfriend made me like this. He ruined me. And now Kendall is the same.

"WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME!? MY MOM DOESN'T REMEMBER ME, I DON'T KNOW WHO MY DAD IS AND MY SISTER IS AN ALCOHOLIC AND HARRY CHEATED ON ME AND YOU LEFT ME!!"

Wooow, too much information at once. 

I was speechless. Was all this true? It wouldn't surprise me if it was.

"IF SOMEONE CAN SMOKE, IT'S ME!" she yelled again.

"Kendall stop!" I said and hugged her.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" she pushed me away. "I AM WITH HARRY AND I DON'T NEED YOU!"

She's with Harry again!? After all he did to her!?

"WHY ARE YOU WITH HARRY!?" I  yelled back. "HE BROKE YOUR HEART!"

"BECAUSE YOU FUCKING LEFT ME!!" she started to cry. "I FUCKING LOVED YOU AND YOU JUST LEFT ME."

She loved me? For real? No, she's lying. She just wants me to feel bad about her. But I do. 

I didn't know what to say.

"I had feelings for you okay? And you just left. I didn't know what to do, so I went back to Harry." she was still mad but she wasn't screaming anymore. She was sobbing.

"You're lying." I whimpered.

"I don't! I was fucking in love with you!!" she still sobbed.

"Stop swearing," I panicked. Last time she swore this much, I had to be mean to her. "You're lying."

"I'm not lying!! But it doesn't matter because I am with Harry because you left me."

"I didn't mean to leave you," I blurted out desperate. "Please don't go back to Harry. He will only hurt you."

"He had never hurt me as much as you have Cara. I didn't even hear from you yourself that you were in London. I had to freaking stalk your friends to get to know."

"I never meant to hurt you," I whispered and felt how the tears wanted out. "I didn't choose to leave you."

"You never meant to hurt me? You broke my heart." her coolly eyes pierced through mine.

"It wasn't my choice."

"Why are you lying!? You know you hurt me!"

"I know. But I never wanted to! Please believe me! I will tell you the truth when the time is ready."

"The time is ready now. Tell me or I'll go."

"You won't believe me." 

"Bye Cara," she said and turned around to leave.

"PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!" I said loudly. She didn't turn around. "Please don't leave me. That was what I thought the first time I hung out with you at the cafe. I didn't want you to leave me. Your hair smells like heaven. You look like a goddess. I always lose my thoughts when I look into your eyes. I denied I was in love with you. I get nervous everytime you are with me. It takes forever for me to choose clothes when I'm gonna hang out with you. I love to hug you. I love to sleep in the same bed as you. I love to be with you. It never went one day without me thinking about you. It hurt me more than it hurt you to leave you. I cried myself to sleep everynight. I started to smoke more again. I loved you."

She didn't turn around, but she stopped walking.

"I denied I was in love with you until I went to London. I realized how hard it was to be without the one you love. I know I don't deserve you and I know I am nothing, but please don't go back to Harry."

Silence. She never looked at me.

"Why are you always pressing yourself down?" she whispered to me. But never turned around.

"Because I am nothing. I've never been. You know that."

"No I don't. I think you are the most beautiful human on earth with the biggest heart. Why can't you see that?"

"Don't lie. I know I am nothing, and it's okay." I whispered to her.

"It's not okay Cara!" she turned around now. "Who made you feel like you were nothing!? Who made you believe that you don't deserve anything!? Because you do!"

"Stop lying! I already know that I am nothing! I hate people who are lying to themselves! I know you hate me!"

"I don't hate you! I'm just disappointed at you!" she said and approached me.

"I can't handle this," I shook my head. "I can't handle it when you're acting like I am something. I just can't anymore..." I said and ran away. I ran to my apartment and cried. 

Why? Why? Why? I already know I'm nothing, stop reminding me. Just shut up. I can't. What is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. I am nothing. And nothing can't be wrong. Why is she lying straight to my face? I don't. What. Stop thinking.

My head was spinning around and I couldn't think straight. Why? I shouldn't have moved back. I should've stayed in London. Everything is a blurry mess right now, and I can't handle it. Kendall. Kendall didn't hate me. No she was lying. She hates me. Definitely. 

I was lying on the floor and the tears streamed down.

"I FUCKING HATE YOU!!" I screamed to myself started to punch the floor. My knuckles turned red by all the blood. I bet my neighbors would come up and complain, but whatever, I am nothing anyway.

"YOU'RE JUST TROUBLE YOU'RE NOTHING YOU'VE NEVER BEEN AND NO ONE LIKES YOU ANYWAY!!" I shrieked while the tears were making a river on the floor.

Suddenly the door flew open. I expected my neighbors, but instead I saw the goddess right in front of me.

"Cara," she gasped and ran to me. She crouched next to me.

I didn't say anything. I just closed my eyes and cried more. She stroke my hair. I didn't want her to see me like this. It was embarrassing. Too many emotions were breaking through my body, and I just freaked out.

"Say something," she begged.

"I hate me." I whispered.

I didn't cry as much as before, but I was all sweaty from all the crying.

"I hate myself because I am nothing. Why can't I accomplish anything in life? Why am I always the last one? Why does everybody hate me? Is it because I am nothing?"

"Stop Cara. I don't know who made you like this, but the one who did this is an idiot. First of all, I don't hate you. Second of all, you're not nothing. You are my everything." she said. "And I'm not lying."

"Why did he say so if I'm not nothing? He wouldn't say stuff like that if he didn't mean it." I cried.

"Because he's an idiot. I don't know who you are talking about, but I know for sure that he's a jerk."

"But I loved him. And he loved me. At first. I must have done something to make him lose his love to me. He told me I was nothing. He hit me. He wouldn't hit me if he didn't mean it." I was rambling.

"You didn't do anything. You were perfect, I swear. He was the one. He maybe was a psychopath."

"But he loved me."

"And so do I."

"But I don't deserve you."

"And I don't deserve you."

"But I left you."

"I know."

"Why aren't you hating me? Why aren't you telling me that it was my fault when it is?"

"Because I care."

"But I never cared about you."

"You've always cared about me."

What? I can't remember that. Is she just making up stuff?

"No I haven't. I've been rude and mean."

"Cara, I know that you know that you've cared for me. Otherwise, you wouldn't have been screaming at me for smoking."

"I just didn't want you to smoke? I didn't care."

"Okay, you didn't care." she chuckled. "But I know that you actually care."

"I can't handle this." This was too much for me. 

"Why?"

"Because I can't stand it knowing that I love you and I have to lose you."

"But you won't lose me."

What? But she hates me.

"But you were so mad at me before. I know I don't deserve your love."

"Stop saying that!! You're driving me insane! I can say 'I love you' to you everyday if that's what I have to do to make you understand that I actually do! I LOVE YOU! Okay?"

She grabbed my shoulders and looked me in the eyes.

"Okay?" she repeated.

I gulped.

"Okay..." I mumbled. "I love you too." I faintly said before I fell asleep.

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