16. Cara's story

CARA

I loved him. He loved me. That was what I thought.

He used to call me stuff like: "Little baby." He always said little in front of every nickname. I didn't care, I mean, I thought it was normal. Until a friend told me what he was doing. He used the five master suppression techniques. He didn't know it himself, and I didn't listen to my friend. I told her it was bullshit and that he truly loved me. 

But it got stuck in my head, and I soon realized how he was to me. He always joked around about how skinny I was, or how ugly I was. He always joked around, but when I thought about it, he didn't joke. I asked him why he always joked like that and told him I was getting hurt by his words, but he just told me he thought it was funny.

I of course forgave him. But it got worse. He told me I was nothing, and he didn't even joke. I heard that everyday for 367 days. I got so used to hear it, so at the end, I believed it. I was nothing. I will never be nothing. He thinks I'm useless. And it's true. What have I ever done to him?

He has all the right to be mad at me. He has all the right to say stuff like that to me. Because he is right. 

I knew he was right, but I still loved him. But one day, he hit me. He punched my face. I left him. I ran, and then never returned. I bought apartment, and was crying all days for myself. I had lost the love of my life.

I know why he hit me. It was because I was against him. He told me I was useless, and I took courage and told him I wasn't. Then he hit me. 

It was my fault. I obviously knew that I was useless, so why did I have to say against him? I could have been with the love of my life if I just had shut up. 

The words that he told me was still in my head everday, and they still are. But the sadness soon grew to hatred. I got to learn that he never loved me. He never actually cared. This was all a game. And that was when I started to not care. I started to smoke and go to clubs everyday and every night.

But then, two or one years after, I met this girl. Kendall. She was kind of like I used to be before I met my ex. She told me she cared, and I didn't believe her. And then it grew to a friendship.

And the friendship grew to love. At least for me. My old self came back a little with her. I wasn't as rude to her. I felt good for once. But I still didn't let her compliment me. I knew it was a lie anyway. My ex boyfriend was after all right. No one likes me. I accepted it. But she still complimented me.

But I knew that I didn't deserve her. I don't deserve anything, because I am nothing.

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