Chapter 35

I stood frozen in place for what felt like an eternity. The last person I ever expected to talk to me ever again was on the phone with me and I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.

“I’m so happy I finally got in contact with you. Honey, I’m so sorry for what happened I—“

“Wait, what?” I interrupted her. She treats me like shit for years and runs me off but she’s sorry? What the fuck? “You’re sorry? After everything you’ve done I can’t believe you would have the nerve to ever contact me. It’s been eight months since I left but oh, you’re sorry? I wasn’t allowed to attend my own sister’s funeral but wait, you’re sorry?”

“Lena, please…”

“No. Don’t you dare call me that. You made it clear a long time ago that I was unwanted. I’m finally happy and I don’t need you fucking that up so just leave me alone. I want nothing to do with you.”

With that I angrily ended the call and leaned against the counter top with my head in my hands. Was I not allowed to have any peace anymore?

“Elena? Are you all right?” Jess’s quiet voice broke me out of my thoughts and I suddenly remembered where I actually was. I turned around to see her looking at me worriedly and before I could answer her my phone started to go off again. Obviously it was my mom trying to call back. Did she not understand that I didn’t want to talk to her? Did she not understand that sorry wasn’t going to fix everything she’d done to me?

I hit ignore but was suddenly filled with so much rage. It was like a fire was lit inside me and I felt so furious.

“I’m sorry I just-I have to go,” I pushed past Jess knowing that if I didn’t get away somewhere I would end up doing something drastic. I just needed to be alone.

I walked quickly to the front door and walked outside, hurrying down to the sidewalk. It was chilly outside tonight and I felt a tinge of regret for leaving without a jacket but I needed to get out of here. I don’t know where I was going but the fresh air would undoubtedly help to clear my head. I could faintly hear Jess calling my name from behind me but I ignored her as I took off to who knows where.

I ended up somewhere in the middle of the city where there were shops and many people our roaming the streets tonight. I spotted a bar just down the street and although the responsible side of me knew to stay away, the irrational, reactive side wanted nothing more than to go in and drink this day away.

Let’s be clear. I’m not a drinker and never had the desire to be. Hell, I’ve only been drunk maybe a handful of times in my life and it was never overly so. I just couldn’t help myself tonight. It was like my sanity was being held onto by a single thread and my mother’s sudden phone call had been the thing to snap the thread into two.

The smell of smoke filled the air as I walked past the handful of people standing outside the bar with their cigarettes in hand. When I entered the building I noticed there weren’t very many people inside which I was glad for. I took the first seat I came to at the bar where I was served immediately by the bartender.

Three shots were set in front of me and I took them all one by one. The alcohol burned my throat and the inevitable spinning in my head started as it took effect. I sat there with my head in my hands as I tried to make sense of what was happening. My life felt like it was falling apart all over again and I didn’t know which way to turn.

I ended up buying two more shots seeing as my good judgement was long gone and I didn’t seem to feel numb enough. After I downed those I noticed my phone was going off like crazy. My shaking hands struggled to pull it out of my pocket but I managed. My vision was slightly blurred but I could just make out Jess’s name across the screen. I also noticed that I’d been gone over an hour now. Well shit. I didn’t even get a chance to say hello before she was suddenly yelling over the line.

“Elena, where the hell are you?!” she demanded. I could hear her car running in the background so she must have been driving around looking for me.

“I don’t know…some bar.” I could hear the slur in my own words and instantly knew that I was going to be in deep shit with Jess tonight. There was a silence over the phone before she spoke again.

“Are you drunk?” I could hear the shock in her voice and I was almost afraid to answer her, knowing she would be so upset with me.

“Yes,” I said truthfully. I heard her heavy sigh over the phone.

“Listen. I want you to go outside and tell me what you see around you. And then I want you to stay there until I pull up. You need to get straight into the car as soon as I get there,” she instructed, her voice surprisingly calm.

I did as I was told and after a lot of stumbling around I finally made my way outside. Once Jess had figured out where I was it only took her a few minutes to find me. I was so thankful at how quick she was as I felt like I could barely stand on my own two feet. Everything was spinning and I felt beyond disoriented.

I managed to get into Jess’s car with minimal difficulty and soon we set off for home. I thought she’d yell at me or at the very least start lecturing me for being a complete idiot but she didn’t. In fact, she didn’t say anything the whole ride home. We were both completely silent and I wasn’t sure if I preferred that or not. I had an ominous feeling that this would be the calm before the storm.

Needless to say I was absolutely correct. As soon as Jess helped me into the house and shut the door she suddenly went off on me. I collapsed onto the couch, knowing that she’d be going on for a while.

“What the hell were you thinking?” she raged. “Do you have any idea how dangerous it is to mix alcohol with your antidepressants? Huh?”

I looked up, realizing that she was actually wanting an answer from me. Did she honestly think I was thinking straight when I left earlier? Of course I knew the dangers but that was obviously the last thing on my mind.

“Yes, I know,” I answered tiredly. Jess sighed loudly as she began pacing the floor in front of me. I was starting to feel like a child being punished but I just sat quietly.

“You have to stop doing this, Elena. I understand how you feel but you can’t just run away like that and do something stupid because your mum wants to be in your life again. Why can’t you just talk things out with her and—“

“Stop,” I interrupted her suddenly. “You don’t understand how I feel. You have no idea the things I’ve gone through so don’t tell me that you understand.”

“Elena…”

“Shut up for a minute,” I snapped. The alcohol was effectively turning off my filter and although I regretted it, I couldn’t stop talking. “You have no idea what that woman has put me through. You grew up with accepting parents. I didn’t, Jess. Do you have any idea how it feels to be sixteen and have the local pastor come in to bless the house and ‘pray the gay away’? Have you ever had to sleep outside for days at a time because your parents won’t allow you in the goddamn house? No you haven’t. So don’t you dare tell me that you understand how I feel because you don’t, Jess. You just don’t.”

If I could run upstairs right now, believe me I would. But the thing is, alcohol mixed with Zoloft is not a great combination. I feel like someone gave me a sedative and I hardly feel like I could stand, let alone climb stairs. So I just sat there and waited for Jess to retaliate.

“I’m sorry.” The calmness in her voice surprised me and I looked up at her in shock. She kneeled down onto the floor in front of me and rested her hands in my lap. “You’re right, I don’t understand. But you have to understand that I love you so much, Elena. I’ve been so worried about you and when you ran off earlier I was so scared that you were going to do something to get yourself hurt.

“You’ve already been through so much,” she continued. “But honestly I’ve been so scared that something will happen that will just push you over the edge. I just wish you would talk to me more. If you’re feeling bad I want to know. I don’t want you to bottle things up from me. I don’t want to be left in the dark.”

I placed my hands over Jess’s and held them gently as I let the things she said sink in. She was right. I do keep her in the dark a lot and that’s wrong of me. I know I’d be hurt if our positions were switched. I’m a shit girlfriend, that’s all there is to it.

“I’m such an idiot,” I muttered. “I’m sorry I don’t talk to you like I should. God, I’m so stupid.”

“Look,” she spoke gently. “You’re not stupid and you don’t have to be sorry. Let’s just go to bed and we’ll worry about all this tomorrow, okay?”

I just nodded. I felt so drunk I didn’t want to have to think about anything else anyway. Great move, Elena.

Jess lifted me from the couch and supported my weight with her arm around my waist. I tucked my face into her neck and let her half lead, half carry me up the stairs. She sat me down on the bed and helped me undress without any hesitation. I felt so fucking useless right now. I couldn’t even pull the oversized shirt that Jess gave me over my head without help.

“You don’t feel like you’re gonna throw up or anything do you?” she asked as she brushed the hair away from my face. I shook my head. Thank god I wasn’t sick.

Jess laid me down and covered me with the blanket before getting in bed next to me. She cuddled right up against me which was a wonder in itself because I’m pretty sure I smelled strongly of alcohol and cigarette smoke from the bar. I turned around so that I was facing her and traced her jawline with my fingers.

“You’re so beautiful, you know that,” I blurted out. She started laughing despite the whole situation.

“You’re drunk.”

“Doesn’t make it any less true,” I countered, resulting in an eye roll from Jess. She kissed me once on the cheek before laying her head down on my shoulder.

“I love you so much, you know,” I spoke again, obviously not knowing how to shut up. “Seriously, I think I fall in love with you more and more every day.”

“Elena, I love you too but please try to go to sleep,” she said without looking up.

“Why do you love me though?” I just continued with the word vomit. I just couldn’t stop now. “I’m the shittiest girlfriend ever. I don’t deserve someone like you. You’re literally so perfect and I’m just a bitch with problems.”

I felt Jess exhale heavily, obviously getting really annoyed with me. I knew that I was an annoying drunk. That’s probably the reason I never drank.

“Elena if you don’t stop talking I’m sleeping in the spare room. You know that I love you and I’m not going to justify it when you’re drunk.”

Ouch.

A/N  This is it until after May 5th. Thanks for reading and if any of you have suggestions, requests, complaints etc just shoot me a message or whatever. 

Or just come be my friend your choice.