Chapter 36

Needless to say, the next morning I woke up with the hangover to end all hangovers. The pounding in my head was absolutely excruciating and I solemnly made a promise to myself to never drink again as I buried my face into the pillow. What made me feel even more shitty was the fact that I could remember most of last night and I didn’t like it. It wasn’t even the fact that my mom had the nerve to talk to me and try to play everything off like it wasn’t a big deal. No that didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. It was the fact that I knew I had hurt Jess last night. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

I could hear Jess singing as she moved around downstairs. She must have been cleaning or something while I was laying here dying of a massive hangover. Okay, not exactly dying but whatever. I opened my eyes slowly, wincing as the bright sunlight coming through the windows intensified my headache. The first thing I noticed was the glass of water next to the bed which had pills laying next to it. I recognized two of them as my antidepressants and the others were painkillers. Yet another thing to add to the list of reasons why Jess was way too good for me.

I dragged myself out of bed despite my headache and decided to jump into the shower while the painkillers did their thing. I couldn’t handle the smell of alcohol and cigarettes any longer and I’m positive that Jess would be less tolerant of it this morning as well.

As I stood in the shower and mindlessly let the water pour over me, my thoughts wandered to the issue of my mother. Well, her and everyone else back at home. I never expected her to contact me but in the back of my mind I’d always hoped that my dad would at least try. We had a slightly better relationship than I did with my mom. Although he never agreed with my choices, he never did treat me quite as badly as mom did when it came right down to it. Did he know that mom had been trying to call? Were they even still together? Even so, I wondered what mom’s intentions were behind calling me.

Shaking my head slightly, I shut the water off and decided it was about time I got out. I was surprised Jess hadn’t come barging through the door prepared to save me from drowning considering how long I’d been in here.

I wrapped a towel around myself and walked into the bedroom to find Jess sitting on the bed waiting for me. She looked deep in thought and didn’t say anything as I came into the room. I wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or not but I made my way over to the closet to get out some clothes. My headache was down to a dull ache which I preferred to the sharp throbbing I was experiencing this morning.

I felt Jess’s eyes on me as I got dressed but still nothing was said. Was she angry at me for last night? I wouldn’t blame her but still, the thought bothered me. My clothes for the day consisted of stretch pants and a plain shirt seeing as I didn’t have to work or anything today anyway. When I was finished I grabbed my hairbrush and sat at the edge of the bed, eyeing Jess cautiously as I did.

“You’re quiet this morning,” I commented in an attempt to get some sort of conversation out of her.

“You look like shit,” she said, a smirk evident on her face. Wow.

“Well, thank you for the compliment. Such a wonderful thing to hear from the love of my life,” I said, letting the sarcasm drip through my tone. I started running the brush through my hair until I felt Jess stop me.

“Here let me,” she offered, scooting herself over so that she was sat behind me. I let her have the brush and moved so that I was sat between her legs as she took over. Well, at least she wasn’t mad at me. Unless she was planning on scalping me or some shit but evidently that wasn’t the case as she moved the brush carefully through my hair so she wouldn’t pull.

“You’re too nice to me,” I mused. I heard Jess laugh behind me but I was serious.

“I love you. There’s no such thing as being too nice when it comes to you,” she answered seriously.

“Yeah but I was being such a bitch last night,” I turned my head slightly so that I could look at her. “I’m just really sorry for everything that happened last night.”

“You don’t have to be sorry for getting upset. I just wish you would talk to me about this stuff more. That’s all.”

“I know and I’m sorry for that too.”

“Stop saying you’re sorry,” she muttered. “You don’t have to apologize to me all the time.”

“Okay, sorry,” I smirked. Jess stopped brushing my hair then and I felt her move away. I turned to see her sitting with her back rested against the headboard, looking a bit nervous now.

“What is it?” I asked as she idly played with her fingers. I could tell she wanted to say something that was probably risky.

“Your mum has been calling your phone all morning,” she started. “I just – I really think you should at least talk to her.”

“No,” I said bluntly. “I’m perfectly fine without her and talking to her is the last thing I’d ever want to do.”

“But—“

“No.”

“Please, just consider—“

“Why does it matter to you so much anyway?” I cut her off once again. She was really acting weird about the whole thing. “I would have thought you’d respect my decision seeing as I’ve told you about how she is.”

Jess dropped her gaze then, the blanket on the bed suddenly becoming very interesting to her apparently. She looked almost guilty to be honest.

“Look,” she started, her voice softening considerably. “I want to be on your side in all this and I am, Elena, believe me. But what if she’s changed?”

“I doubt that,” I scoffed. “I’m not involving myself with her so you can just drop the whole thing.”

I got up to start walking out of the room in my attempt to force Jess to drop the subject but what she said next froze me in my tracks.

“Is it because of Grace?”

I turned around and shot her a glare. Even the mention of her name would often send a throbbing pain to my chest and Jess knew it was a sensitive subject.

“Don’t you dare bring her into this,” I spat.

“Is it?” she insisted. “We just talked about being honest with each other. Don’t just withdraw and run away from me now. Talk to me.” Her voice gentled as she said the last few words.

I wanted to be angry with her. I wanted to yell, break things, and cry all at once. The most frustrating part was that she was sort of right. I knew my sister was gone but everyone back at home just made it real. Too real. I couldn’t do it.

Jess stood up and slowly took the few steps to reach me. Hesitantly, she pulled me into her arms and I couldn’t do anything but relax into her. I hated that Jess felt like she had to be so careful with me, like I was a ticking time bomb that would go off with one wrong move. More than anything, I hated actually being like a time bomb. I needed normalcy and I wasn’t going to get that by keeping my feelings to myself.

“I don’t want it to be real,” I whispered so quietly that I almost doubted Jess could hear me. She did though.

“I know,” she breathed. “It’s okay.” I felt her fingers move up and down my back in a comforting manner as we stood there in silence for quite some time.

“Can I just say something?” Jess asked later on. We’d moved to the bed by now and I was currently laid next to her with my head rested on her chest. I nodded wordlessly for her to continue. “I just think you should look at it from your mum’s point of view too.”

“What do you mean?” I asked curiously.

“You lost a sister but you have to remember that she lost a daughter too. I feel like the loss and months of grieving has made her realize how she made a mistake with how she’s treated you. She might even feel like she’s lost both of you.”

I took a minute to let Jess’s words sink in. I hadn’t thought about it like that. I’d been so wrapped up in how I was feeling I never considered how my mom was taking it. Not to mention my dad or anyone else in our family. No, I’ve just been thinking of myself and that was probably the reason I was so adamant in staying away. I was selfish.

I got up quickly and left the room after telling Jess I’d be right back. It was time for things to change. I wanted so badly to get better and this whole time I’ve been avoiding things that shouldn’t be avoided. No, it was time for me to step up and stop running away.

I went into the living room and found my phone laying on the coffee table where I’d left it last night. I unlocked the screen to see 22 missed calls from my mom. The last one was made half an hour ago and I immediately hit the call button next to the number. It only rang two times before I heard her voice on the other end of the phone.

“Elena?” The surprise in her voice was evident.

“Why now, mom?” I questioned, trying my best to keep my voice steady. “Why wait all this time?”

“Honey, I’m so sorry. I tried to call you months ago but I lost my nerve after the first call. I feel so horrible about the way we treated you and I just wanted to make things right with you.”

I didn’t say anything for a moment. I’d been waiting years for her to say something like this to me. For years I worked to gain my parents’ approval only to never have it. And now, just like that, it was happening. But for some reason, it wasn’t good enough now.

“What things do you feel horrible about?” I asked her. I needed to know specifically what she was regretting. Was it her lack of acceptance toward me? Or maybe the fact that she blamed Grace’s death on me just as I blame it on myself still to this day? There were countless other things I could name off.

“I feel horrible about everything I’d ever done to you, Lena. I was wrong to treat you the way I did, I know that now.” I didn’t know whether to believe that to be honest.

“Okay,” I replied, not really knowing what to say.

“Okay?” She sounded like she expected more of me. I was far from forgiving her, let’s be clear. Just talking to her was a huge start for me personally and if it wasn’t for Jess it probably wouldn’t even be happening right now.

“I don’t know what else you want me to say, mom. It’s not like I can forgive years of being treated like shit just like that.” And I sure as hell didn’t trust her.

“Elena, I just want you home,” she said, her voice wavering slightly. “I want my little girl back.”

“Well that’s the thing,” I said, sighing a little. “I’m not your little girl anymore. I’m a grown woman and as for coming home, well, I am home.”

“You can’t be serious, Elena. You’ve been away for eight months.”

“I’m dead serious. This is my home now and I’m not leaving,” I said adamantly. I was starting to get pissed off. I wanted to just hang up on her but I clenched my teeth and stayed on the line.

“All right,” she said calmly. “But can you at least think about coming to stay just for a little while? Your dad and I want to at least see you. And Caleb—“

“I’ll think about it, okay?” I cut her off. She was trying to make me feel guilty and that was absolutely not happening.

“Just think about it,” she repeated.

“I’m gonna go now. I’ll call you when I figure out what I’m doing.”

“Okay honey. I love y—“

I hung up before she had the chance to finish. This was too much. I could talk to her, sure. But actually going home, that was something completely different. Leaving Jess here in London to go back to that hell hole? I think not.

I threw my phone back onto the coffee table and slowly made my way back upstairs. I didn’t even know if I felt better after speaking to my mom like I thought I would. Actually, I felt worse than before. I was confused as hell and I didn’t know which way to turn.

When I walked back into our bedroom Jess was sitting in the same spot on the bed scrolling through her phone. She looked up and smiled at me when she heard me come in but her face fell when she saw my expression.

“What happened?” she asked worriedly. I moved onto the bed so that I was sitting between her legs, my back against stomach and my head against her chest.

“I talked to her,” I said simply as Jess started to move her hands so that they held tightly around my waist. “I just don’t know what to do.”

“What do you mean?”

“She started saying that she felt horrible about everything and she wants me to forgive her but I don’t think I can do that. Not yet anyway. I don’t even know if I should believe her,” I admitted.

“Well, of course it would take you some time,” Jess said soothingly. “I’m just glad you at least talked to her. It’s a start, you know?”

“That’s not all though,” I frowned.

“What’s that mean? Did something else happen?” Her fingers started tracing patterns on my stomach as she encouraged me to continue. I sighed heavily, hoping Jess could help me figure all this out.

“She wants me to go back to Georgia,” I said, hesitant of Jess’s reaction.

“Wait what?” Her fingers stopped their soothing caress and I stiffened slightly, expecting her to get angry.

“I don’t know she just said she wanted me ‘home’ and I told her that I was home and that there was no way in hell I was leaving.”

Jess was silent for a few minutes and I was starting to get a bit concerned. I really hope she knew that I was serious about not leaving. I would never leave her.

“I think you should go,” she said suddenly. My stomach dropped at her words and I was now starting to feel a bit panicky. Did she not want me here anymore?

“You what?” I turned around to face Jess only to find her expression unreadable. “Tell me you’re not serious.”

“Not permanently,” she said, rolling her eyes. “But I think it would be good for you. Just for a few days maybe.”

“I don’t know…” I frowned. I really doubted that would be good for me.

“You have to make a choice, Elena,” she said firmly. “I just know that if I were in your situation I would want to make things better.”

I did want to make things better but hell, Jess was like my rock. How could I ever stay that far from her and for that long? I did have a choice and it wasn’t going to be an easy one to make.

A/N  I don't know if I like the way this turned out but I tried. Long chapter to make up being horrible at updating. I'm also going to start on the next chapter tonight. I promise updates are going to start coming more frequently now.

Let me know what you think please and if you have requests don't be afraid to share them with me. I need fillers for future chapters.

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