Chapter 34

Well, I was officially moved in with Jess and honestly it felt right. We’d spent the entire day gathering my things and moving them to her house. I think Jess was more excited about reorganizing her things and then, in turn, organizing everything I had. That’s just how she was so I basically let her take the reins so to speak.

We’d also talked about me going back to work which I don’t think went over very well with her. She didn’t try to stop me but I could tell that she didn’t like the idea. I knew that she was worried about me, especially since I’d been having such good days but I kept reminding her that I needed to take big steps sometime. I think she was just worried that things would go back to how they were a month ago but I wasn’t about to let that happen. I loved Jess way too much for me to check out again.

I knew it would be hard going back there. I’m not stupid but I felt like I needed to face it now or I never would. I felt like the root of a lot of my apprehensions were in that building and maybe if I faced them, everything else would come easier. That’s what I was hoping for anyway.

Which is why I’m currently awake at seven in the morning, getting ready for the day ahead. I made sure I took my two pills first, and then proceeded with everything else. I was both dreading and looking forward to going into work today. I loved my job, despite everything and it was a career I wanted to keep. I’d also missed Allie’s overly perky personality believe it or not. I had called her last night to tell her I was coming back and I’m fairly sure she deafened me. Slightly dramatic, I know, but still.

I walked out of the bathroom quietly, careful not to wake Jess up quite yet. She didn’t have to go into the studio until after ten and it was only for part of the day so she’d still be home before me. It was comforting knowing that I’d be coming home to her rather than an empty house today. I’d never admit it but I was scared shitless.

I got dressed and found my shoes lined up perfectly alongside Jess’s shoes inside the closet. Did I mention they were lined up according to color and also use? Yeah.

When I was finally ready to go I called to make sure I had a cab waiting for me, and then proceeded to say goodbye to Jess. I sat on the edge of the bed and pressed my lips to her cheek, her nose, forehead, and finally her lips once she’d started to stir.

“Hmm why are you up so early,” she questioned sleepily, her voice rasping slightly.

“I’m going into work today, remember?”

She opened her eyes at that, suddenly remembering herself. A frown formed on her lips which eventually turned into a pout.

“I don’t want you to go,” she whined childishly.

“I have to,” I laughed slightly as she continued to pout.

“Promise you’ll call me if anything’s wrong. I’ll worry,” she frowned.

“I promise,” I assured her before kissing her one last time. “I need to go now. I love you and I’ll see you this afternoon.”

“Love you too,” she whispered, probably falling back to sleep already.

~~~~

When I pulled up to the building I instantly felt that tightening feeling of apprehension in the pit of my stomach. I knew my first day back wasn’t going to be all sunshine and rainbows but I was going to get through this. I had to for my sanity’s sake.

After paying the driver I made my way through the doors of the building. The familiar lobby sent chills down my spine but I ignored it as I made my way to the elevator and up to the appropriate floor. I focused on taking one breath at a time as the elevator doors finally opened. Literally nothing had changed. It almost felt like I hadn’t even been gone.

I made my way down the hall and was filled with dread when I realized I’d have to walk by that office. I couldn’t avoid it and for a second, I paused considering not going through with it. I considered for a moment that maybe Jess was right. That I wasn’t ready to do this yet and that I was actually doing more harm than good. I felt the familiar tightening in my chest and before I knew it I was sinking onto the floor.

Tears were stinging my eyes as I held my head in my hands, just trying to focus on staying calm. After a few minutes I heard someone coming down the hall and looked up to see Allie walking quickly toward me.

“Elena? Are you all right?” she asked worriedly as she kneeled on the floor next to me.

“I don’t think I was ready,” I struggled to speak. “It’s too much, Allie.”

“What do you want me to do?” she asked. “Do you want me to help you back to the office or do you need me to call Jessie?”

I considered my options as I focused on calming down. I could call Jess, she’d probably freak out and not ever let me leave the house or some shit. Or I could try to tough this out and see if things got better. The better choice was obvious really.

“Help me up,” I told her. “I want to try.”

She obliged without hesitation and with a supporting grip around my waist, she led me back to our normal work area. That walk felt like it took ages but by the time I’d made it to my desk I felt myself calm down considerably. I knew that the medication I was on could only do so much but I knew that it was part of the reason I hadn’t gone into a full blown panic attack or even a flashback. For once, I was grateful for it.

“I’ll get you some water,” Allie told me before walking off to the tiny refrigerator in the corner of the room. I only nodded wordlessly as I took deep breaths, determined to not let this place affect me. It was only a room. It was only a hallway. This was only a building. I was determined to be stronger than the memories I had here. I was done being a victim.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I got out of work that afternoon I felt so drained but so proud of myself for actually powering through the day. I felt like I’d gotten over my first major hurdle and that things would be easier for me now. With work anyway. Aside from this morning’s incident I actually felt okay for most of the day which honestly surprised me. I felt like walking into the building every day would be so much easier from here on out. When I exited the building I pulled my phone out to see a text from Jess sent about fifteen minutes ago.

‘Let me know when you’re on your way home xxx’

The text was simple but it put a smile on my face all the same. Jess may have been worried about me working again but I loved how she was making everything seem so normal. There was no question. Just a simple text and that’s one of the many things I love about her.

I sent her a quick text letting her know that I was on my way and quickly hailed a cab so that I could get home to her. I felt like a night in with Jess would be the perfect thing to end today.

When I finally got home I just about ran up to the front door and threw it open like an excited child. Jess was sitting on the couch in the living room with her phone in her hands and before she could even register that I was home, I basically jumped on top of her, successfully knocking her back into the arm of the couch.

“I’m home,” I said calmly while Jess shook with laughter underneath me.

“I never would have guessed,” she laughed as she wrapped her arms around my shoulders. I sighed in content and snuggled even further into her just wanting to take in the perfection of this moment. I was only gone for part of the day but I missed her all the same.

“So, I’m guessing you had a good day today?” Jess said after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

“It was tough going back in there but I feel so much better now that I’ve done it,” I explained.

“That’s amazing.” My head was tucked under Jess’s chin but I could tell by her tone that she was smiling. “I’m so proud of you.” I raised my head up to catch her lips in mine before I pulled away to speak again.

“Have you eaten yet? I could cook us something,” I suggested. It feels like so long since I’ve actually made a meal.

“No, I was waiting for you. Let’s make something together,” she said as she lightly pushed me off of her.

“Erm, okay. What are we going to do then?” I questioned as I followed her into the kitchen.

“I don’t know,” she answered as she opened various cabinets, searching for whatever it was she was searching for. “Let’s just throw something together. It’ll be fun.”

I rolled my eyes at that but proceeded to pull some things out of the cabinet that we could possibly put together.

When we finally did get something started, I was standing in front of the stove grilling chicken when I heard my phone ringing in the other room.

“Jess, could you get that?” I said without even glancing up from what I was doing.

I heard her walk out of the kitchen and a few seconds later I heard her voice as she spoke to whoever it was over the phone. I glanced over my shoulder as I heard Jess’s voice getting closer, letting me know that she was coming to give me the phone.

“Who is it?” I asked as she handed it back to me. She only shrugged and so I put the phone to my ear, already mildly annoyed that my cooking was being interrupted as I lifted the pan off the burner.

“Hello?” There was a brief silence on the other end before the person finally said something.

“Elena? Is that you?”

I dropped the pan as I heard the voice on the other end of the phone. It hit with a cloud clang and food was now all over the floor.

“Mom?”

A/N  I made time and powered through *Eye of the Tiger plays in the background*

And so starts the actual plot of the story.

Also I love you all.