Chapter 30

I could say that a month later I was completely better. I could tell you that I’m off the medication and my life was completely normal. Sunshine and rainbows. But then I’d be lying, wouldn’t I? No, things haven’t been better. I would even say they’ve gotten worse but then again I’ve developed this bad habit of not caring about anything.

Because of my “medical illness” I was given extended leave from work. My new boss had assured me that I could take as much time off as I needed and come back with my vacation days still intact. To be honest, I think they were just more concerned about me suing them or some shit like that.

So as of right now I was currently laid in my bed, under my blankets, just as I have been doing for the last four weeks. The only reason I had a sense of time anymore was because of my weekly appointments still with Dr. Ward. Jess took me to every single appointment just as she’d promised but that was the extent of me leaving my bedroom. I don’t really know what it was but I just had no will to do anything.

Jess came over every single day after work and stayed the night some nights but not always. She’d cook for me and made sure I was taking my medication like I was supposed to. I became accustomed to hearing that annoyed sigh whenever I’d tell her I wasn’t hungry and that I didn’t want to get up and go somewhere. She never said anything though which surprised me. She would sit quietly with me in bed or sometimes nap next to me, but we never really strike up any conversation. Jess had given up on that pretty quick. I felt like shit for pushing her away but I just couldn’t find the strength to express any kind of emotion. Sure, the panic attacks and nightmares had slowed down for the most part, but now I just felt dead inside.

So today was just like any other day. Jess was at work and I just continued to stare blankly at the wall. There were some cards and such from people at work who were wishing me well. I just kept them thrown carelessly on the table, not bothering to really look at them much. I wasn’t really sure what time it was since I kept the drapes shut at all times. The room was dim and the only light came from the small digital clock next to my bed. I closed my eyes in an attempt to force myself to fall asleep again. Time didn’t seem to go by so slow when I slept.

Just as I felt myself begin to drift off I faintly heard the sound of my front door opening. I didn’t think anything of it until I heard my bedroom door suddenly open violently causing me to jump.

“Get up!” I heard Jess yell as she came furiously into the room. I opened my eyes and watched her as she moved around the room, opening the curtains to let the bright sun through. “Move your ass, Elena. Now!”

“What?” I croaked, slightly shocked at her sudden outburst. I saw Jess go through my closet and start pulling out random articles of clothing, tossing some them on the bed.

“I said, get up! It’s time to stop laying here and wasting away. I’m sick of it and I’m not letting you do this to yourself,” she said firmly. I suddenly felt the blankets being ripped off of my body, exposing my skin to the cold air. “Up. Now. Get in the shower and get dressed. We’re going somewhere.”

I sat up slowly and made my way into the bathroom as Jess ordered me to do. I didn’t dare argue with her since she seemed pretty angry with me. About fifteen minutes into my shower I heard the bathroom door open and shut. When I glanced out I saw that Jess had brought me a change of clothes and left. I sighed as I finished rinsing my hair. I really hoped she wouldn’t be in a mood with me the whole day. Though, I probably deserved it considering the way I’ve checked out the last month.

I quickly dried off and got dressed so that I wouldn’t keep Jess waiting much longer than she already would be. My hair took forever to dry even with the hair dryer, especially since I haven’t had it cut much. It was starting to pass my waist and even though it was annoying as hell, I just couldn’t bring myself to cut it off.

I walked out of the bathroom to find Jess sitting on my bed, phone in hand as she usually does. She put her phone away as she saw me walk in and patted the space in front of her.

“Let me dry your hair so we can get going,” she said, surprisingly calm.

“Where are we going?” I asked as I sat down between her legs.

“You’ll see when we get there,” she said simply before turning on the hair dryer. Nothing was said after that obviously since the hair dryer was loud as hell. So I just sat there and stared straight ahead, only mildly aware of Jess’s fingers running continuously through my hair as it dried. My mind wandered a lot these days. I had a lot of trouble focusing really and although I don’t mean to, I know I’ve been neglecting Jess these past few weeks. She’s tried so hard for me and all I’ve done is push her away. I knew that things needed to change but my head was just everywhere.

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Later on, Jess and I were in her car heading to some sort of unknown destination. Jess hadn’t said much since we left and neither had I needless to say. I spent the majority of the trip staring forward, watching everything go by. I felt drained already and I hadn’t even been out of bed long. I wanted to make an effort with Jess today but it was just so hard when I felt so mentally and physically tired. I heard Jess sigh beside me as we slowed down with the traffic.

“Will you tell me what’s on your mind, Elena?” she asked quietly. “I feel like you haven’t talked to me in weeks even though I see you every day. What’s going on in your head?”

I turned my head to look at her and what I saw then broke my heart in two. It occurred to me just then that I hadn’t properly looked at Jess in a long time. She looked so tired and worn. Her eyes didn’t have that light of happiness that they normally had and I know that it was my fault. It’s obvious that my “absence” has affected her in the worst way and why wouldn’t it? I was perfectly aware of how much she loves me and I’ve been taking that for granted. I’m literally the worst person in the world right now.

“I don’t know,” I replied honestly, looking her straight in the eyes. “I don’t know what I feel. My thoughts are always so muddled and I just feel so…empty.”

From the look of surprise on Jess’s face, she was obviously shocked that I had said more than two words to her. I was a bit shocked at myself to be honest.

“Is it your medication that has you feeling like this?” she asked, glancing away briefly since traffic started to crawl a bit.

“Yeah. Dr. Ward says I just need to adjust to it,” I told her. It had just occurred to me that I never mentioned anything that was ever said in my therapy sessions. Jess never asked but I assume she was just trying to give me space. “She says the goal is to stop the panic attacks but somehow I feel like this is worse.”

Evidently we were already close to our destination when we started talking because just as I finished what I was saying, Jess pulled into a parking lot of what appeared to be a hospital of some sort.

“I don’t like what’s been happening to you,” Jess said hesitantly after she had stopped the car. “I feel like I’m losing you.”

Those simple words stirred something in me just then. Jess has been watching me slip away for weeks and I’ve just been letting it happen. I needed to fight back and the knowledge of Jess’s fear of losing me was enough to spark the flame.

“You’ll never lose me,” I said as I leaned over, catching her lips in mine for the first time in so long. I felt Jess reciprocate the kiss without hesitation and the feeling of her lips moving softly with mine was enough to make me feel alive again. I felt Jess smile into the kiss, effectively breaking it after only a few minutes.

“I’ve missed that,” she whispered. She was still so close to me that I could feel her breath hitting my lips with every word and so I touched my lips to hers one last time before I sat back.

“I’m so sorry, Jess.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” she assured me. “You’re allowed to be hurting. I just needed to know if you were okay. I had no way of knowing if you were coping or not.”

“I know and I should have talked to you about it. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own head I haven’t been thinking about anything else. I should have been thinking of you,” I said, shaking my head as if it would help clear my thoughts.

Jess simply smiled at me and I couldn’t help but smile back. The first real smile I’ve shown in weeks. That was when it finally hit me that we were sitting in a hospital parking lot and I still had no idea why.

“Erm, no offense Jess but why are we at a hospital?” I asked, finally looking around.

“It’s a surprise but let’s go now. We’re already late,” she said quickly as she opened her door.

Jess and I walked hand in hand through the parking lot and into the front of the building. The receptionist looked up as we walked in and smiled immediately upon recognizing Jess.

“We haven’t seen you in a while, Miss Cornish,” the woman smiled.

“I know, it’s been a while hasn’t it? I hope you don’t mind, I brought a friend with me this time,” Jess told her as she was handed what looked like some sort of pass.

“Of course not! The kids will love to see you both,” the woman said happily.

I was given a tag as well and before I knew it I was being pulled by Jess toward the elevator. I threw her a questioning look as soon as the doors closed.

“Kids?” I asked, still confused as to why we were actually here. Jess just smiled and kissed my cheek before pulling me closer to her by the waist.

“Yep, kids. I come visit every couple months but I haven’t been back since last fall,” she said. “This is the hospital I stayed in when I was small so I try to visit as much as I can.”

“Oh,” I responded, still struggling against the effects of the medication to keep my focus.

The elevator doors opened then and Jess led me out through a corridor. The hallway was painted in bright colors with characters on them and I could hear children about. The whole place actually looked really cheery.

“I don’t expect a lot out of you,” Jess said under her breath. “I just thought this would be something nice to do to get you out of the house.”

I just squeezed Jess’s hand in response. It was honestly times like these that I had absolutely no doubt of how much she loves me, not that I ever doubted in the first place. That made sense, right?

We ended up in a brightly painted room with about half a dozen kids or so playing in it. There were a couple nurses there to keep an eye on them as they played with the various toys scattered around the room. It would look like a normal school playtime setting if it weren’t for some of the children being hooked up to various things like rolling IV lines and portable oxygen tanks.

As soon as we entered the room, a bunch of the children immediately came over and started hugging Jess all at once. Jess crouched down so that she was eye level with them and greeted them all individually.

 “I missed you, Jessie. Why haven’t you been to see us in so long?” one girl asked in a small voice. I noticed she was one of the few children with an oxygen tank trailing behind her. The thin tubes wrapped behind both her ears and ended under her nose.

“I’ve been working a lot but I promise I’ll try to come visit more often,” Jess told her gently as she lightly brushed the hair away from the girl’s face. “I brought a friend with me this time though.”

The small girl looked up at me then and I kneeled on the floor next to Jess who rested her hand comfortingly on the small of my back.

“This is Elena,” Jess introduced. “Elena, this is Lydia.”

“Hi, Elena! Do you want to color with me?” she asked.

“I-sure,” I stammered, slightly surprised at her enthusiasm. Lydia smiled really big and grabbed my hand, leading me to a small table with crayons and paper scattered across it. I glanced back at Jess once but she was already preoccupied with the other children now demanding her attention.

I idly colored in the extra coloring book Lydia handed to me but I mostly watched her as she concentrated on her own. For some reason, I had a hard time grasping the fact that, despite her obviously advanced illness, whatever it may have been, she was perfectly capable of acting like a normal child. It was as if she wasn’t sick at all and that blew me away.

“So what do you like to do, Lydia?” I asked in an attempt to strike up a little conversation.

“I like art and stuff,” she said, her eyes still glued to the picture in front of her.

“That’s my favorite thing to do too,” I smiled. “I don’t get to do it a lot though.”

“I only get to draw sometimes,” she replied. “It makes me really tired.”

“Oh,” I said simply, not really knowing what to say to that. “Well, maybe one day it won’t make you so tired,” I tried.

“I think it will always make me tired. My mum said last year that I was all better and that I could go home but she lied. I had to come back again so now I just don’t believe them when they say I’ll get better,” Lydia said, as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

I didn’t say anything after that. Lydia couldn’t be any more than seven or eight and she sounded like she’d already been through what most adults ever go through. Just the thought of how strong she had to be hit me pretty hard.

A while later I saw Jess walking toward me with a few other kids following her. Two of them were holding each of her hands and I thought it was the cutest thing. She sat down in one of the small chairs next to me and pulled one of the smaller children into her lap, a little boy who looked like he was around five or so.

“How are you feeling?” she asked me quietly.

“Good,” I said honestly, flashing a genuine smile. It had occurred to me today. Why should I be feeling sorry for myself when there are kids here fighting for their lives who still play as if there’s nothing wrong? It was so clear to me how wrong it would be not to stand myself back up after a fall. I have my whole life to live after all, right?

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We left the hospital after about another hour. Honestly, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders today. I felt more at ease than I have in such a long time that it was almost intoxicating. I could see a change in Jess as well in response to my mood.

We ended up at Jess’s house that afternoon which was good seeing as the last month for me has been spent in my own bedroom. Jess walked straight into the living room and collapsed on the couch, acting like she had just about run a marathon today.

“You tired?” I asked as I sat down next to her.

“Yeah. I haven’t gotten a lot of sleep lately,” she said as she rested her body against mine. I automatically wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer. “You know why I took you with me today right? To the hospital I mean.”

I nodded wordlessly. I knew that Jess wanted to open my eyes to what I was really doing. Allowing myself to waste away when I had a perfectly good life to live seemed so selfish to me now. I knew if it weren’t for Jess I’d still be right where I was this morning, and every morning before that. Fading away inside a shell that I had created around me. Selfish.

“How long has Lydia been there?” I asked out of the blue. That little girl intrigued me to no end for some reason.

“Mmm, I think she was about four when I first met her there. She’s almost eight now,” Jess mumbled into my neck. Her exhaustion was obviously starting to take over. I traced my fingers absentmindedly over Jess’s hip and didn’t say anything else.

“I love you more than anything, you know,” Jess said suddenly a few minutes later.

“I thought you were going to sleep,” I said, laughing slightly. “But I know. And I love you too, more than anything.”

I could feel her smiling against my neck as I said this. Her body shifted slightly so that she could get more comfortable and after a few more minutes of silence, I finally felt Jess’s breathing even out, letting me know she had fallen asleep.

Half an hour later, I had to admit I was getting a bit bored. Jess was basically in a dead sleep half on top of me, but even then I didn’t want to move. It was like my body had physically missed her these last weeks and I practically craved her touch right now.

I glanced around the room and noticed Jess had left her phone sitting on the couch next to her. Feeling a bit mischievous, I carefully leaned over and grabbed it. Jess didn’t even stir as I shifted her only slightly in the process. I unlocked her phone and opened the camera, immediately taking a selfie of her and me. I looked at the pictured and laughed a bit to myself as I saw Jess’s face halfway buried into my neck, obviously asleep in the photo. I quickly typed out a short caption.

‘Elena is the best and smartest person I have ever met and I also like to leave my phone out in the open while I take naps.’

I gave everyone one more glance over, knowing how finicky Jess was about photos, and then posted it to her Instagram. I tossed the phone back where it was and sat back, feeling pleased with myself.

It was then that I decided that it might be a good idea to wake Jess up and see what we were doing about dinner. I didn’t know if she had eaten yet today but I know that I haven’t. Actually, I had a hard time remembering the last time I actually really ate something.

“Jess,” I called out quietly as I stroked her cheek. “Baby, wake up.”

I heard Jess groan slightly and tighten her hold on me childishly as she tried to ignore me. I simply laughed and forced her to sit up, earning a scowl from her. She’s always so pleasant when her sleep gets interrupted against her will.

“Why are you so mean to me,” she groaned dramatically.

“I am not mean to you,” I gasped, feining hurt. “Since I’m so mean to you I’m going to start dinner for us,” I said, standing up. I heard her laughing behind me as I walked out of the room and into the kitchen.

Jess came in a few minutes later just as I got some things started on the stove. She was looking down at her phone with an amused look on her face and that’s when I suddenly remembered the picture I posted earlier.

“You should see the riot you’ve started on my Twitter and Instagram,” she said, laughing.

“Are your millions of adoring fans out for my blood?” I joked, turning away from the stove to look at her.

“This is the first time they’ve seen your face clearly, you know. Every other time was just some blurry paparazzi pictures and now they’re going insane. You know, I wanted to post the first picture of you,” she pouted.

“Beat you to it,” I teased.

Jess continued to pout childishly and I walked over to her, wrapping my arms tightly around her waist and pecking her pouted lips briefly. Jess was basically beaming at me then and I looked at her, confused.

“What?”

“I feel like I finally have you back,” she said, closing the distance between us once more.

A/N  Read all the things carefully because foreshadowing and stuff. 

Also sorry I took so long with this. This chapter is hella long and I've also been really busy so I apologize. Enjoy though!