Chapter 29

It’s now been two days since the incident at Jess’s parents’ house. Two very long and difficult days. After I had managed to get myself together that day in the bathroom, Jess insisted that she take me home. I think she made up some excuse to everyone that I had gotten sick or something. I don’t really know. I was more or less in a daze after that.

Ever since then I felt so on edge all the time. It was like any little thing would set me off and I was living in constant fear of myself. The random panic attacks wouldn’t stop and I’ve had a handful of what seemed like flashbacks on top of it. I just felt like an emotional wreck and I knew it was taking a toll on Jess too. She was right beside me all the time. Always there to comfort me whether it was during the day or in the late hours of the night. She was so amazing to me I honestly felt like I didn’t deserve her. What could I have possibly done to be so lucky?

So that’s why we were currently on our way to the one place I never thought I would actually go. It finally got through my thick skull that I needed help. That I couldn’t cope with this on my own. Jess called the day after the dinner with her family and made me an appointment with a psychiatrist. I just hoped that all of this would end the terrible flashbacks and nightmares. I didn’t want simple things to set me off like they have been. I haven’t voiced this to Jess, but honestly if I can’t get better I just don’t see the point of going on anymore. What kind of life was this? Not to mention the hell I was putting Jess through. She didn’t deserve this.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when I suddenly felt Jess’s hand on my arm, stroking up and down lightly. I hadn’t even noticed the car was stopped and that we were already here.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“I’m not sure anymore,” I sighed. “I just want to get better.”

“You will get better,” she said as she touched her lips lightly to mine. “I’m going to support you every step of the way and we’ll get you through this together.”

I followed behind Jess like a child as we entered the small office building. It looked like your typical office space with the fluorescent tube lighting and the generic carpet and chairs in the waiting room. There were a couple people waiting. Some were adults and there were two children all wearing the same solemn look with eyes drawn to the floor. It was depressing as hell to be honest.

I signed in at the front desk and sat down with Jess at two of the empty chairs in the room. Jess held my hand as we sat in silence. The only sound in the room was the occasional shuffle of movement from someone and the constant ticking of a clock somewhere. I spent the entire waiting time just staring at the floor just as most everyone else seemed to be doing as others’ names were called before mine.

I also couldn’t help but wonder about all the other people seated around me. What were they here for? Did they have a similar situation as me or were they worse off than even I? Did they have families or were they on their own?

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted when I heard my name being called. Just before I stood up, Jess kissed me on the cheek and quietly reminded me that she loved me as she had been doing all morning. I took one last glance back at her right before I was taken down a long corridor.

I was eventually ushered into an open room with two comfortable looking chairs. There was a woman sitting at one of them looking through some papers. I would guess they were about me. She looked up at me after a few seconds and smiled kindly, ushering me to sit down. She was an older woman, maybe early fifties I’d say. I noticed the name plate on the desk behind her said Dr. Ward.

“All right, Elena, I understand you’re having some difficulties?” Dr. Ward started. Here we go I guess.

“Erm, yeah. I’ve been having these random panic attacks lately. And I haven’t been able to sleep properly in weeks,” I explained.

“It says here you’re also experiencing flashbacks? Is that true?”

“I think that’s what they are. It’s only happened a couple of times though,” I told her. She nodded and jotted down some notes. This whole thing seemed relatively painless so far.

“Okay, so tell me. Do you know what’s been triggering your panic attacks? Have you pinpointed them to a certain event or time?” she asked.

“I think it might be a few things,” I said, quite unsure. “I have them a lot of times if I have nightmares mostly. But a few days ago I had a bad one just because of a phone ringing…”

“A phone ringing? Do you think you know why that triggers panic in you?” Dr. Ward asked, seemingly intrigued by it. I leaned back in the chair as I thought back.

“The woman who would assault me at work used to call me into her office every day by phone,” I explained. “I think that’s why. I think the sound just left a sort of…impression in me?”

“How long did the assault go on for?”

“A week I think?” Now that I voiced it, the whole thing actually sounded like such a short amount of time and yet my life has been affected so much.

“Did you experience any panic attacks or flashbacks while this was going on or are they more recent?” she asked.

“Umm, I don’t think so. I had the nightmares but nothing else really.”

“Okay,” she nodded thoughtfully as she wrote down some more notes. “Do you remember the last assault? Was it different from the others?”

“I-erm I don’t really remember it,” I stammered. “I just remember being called into her office earlier than normal and I remember her hurting me… and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the hospital,” I recalled.

“You don’t remember anything at all beyond that? What did the doctors tell you when you awoke?” Dr. Ward suddenly seemed very interested in what I was saying. How could hazy details be of any use to her? I thought back on that day as I struggled to remember exactly what I was told.

“They said I had blacked out from lack of air or something. I think they said I had been strangled?” I said, unsure. “I had a few bruises around my neck for a while but my whole body was bruised as well…”

“How did you feel when you first awoke? Can you remember what you were feeling or even what you were thinking?” she asked calmly. “It’s all right if you don’t remember everything but every little bit helps.”

“I only remember a little,” I said, shaking my head in frustration. “Other than the bruises, I kept a headache the rest of that day but my thoughts were feeling a bit hazy after that. I guess I felt like I couldn’t really think straight.”

“Let me ask you, Elena, do you remember everything else up to the point of the assault? Can you remember it clearly?” she asked as she suddenly turned to a new page in her files.

“Yes. Everything up until that phone rang…”

She nodded as she once again wrote down a few more notes. Dr. Ward looked up at me a few moments later and seemed to be scrutinizing me. It made me feel uncomfortable to be honest and I fought the urge to fidget nervously under her gaze.

“How do you feel right now, Elena?” she asked suddenly. “Do you feel calm enough to answer the more difficult questions right now?”

“I-I I think so,” I stuttered. It was suddenly hard for me to speak clearly.

“Can I ask what you felt while the sexual assault was happening? It’s different for many women but what kinds of emotions would you say you felt?” she asked softly. “And you can take as much time as you need. We have two hours here.”

I was taken off guard by her question if I’m honest. I never really thought about the emotions involved in everything that happened. I tried not to think about what happened anyway but at the time, all I ever thought about was that I was doing it to keep Jess safe.

“I felt guilty,” I stated after a few minutes of silence.

“Do you blame yourself for what happened?” Dr. Ward asked.

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I was betraying my girlfriend for allowing it to continue. I kept it a secret and let myself be used because I was afraid to fight back.”

I felt the tears stinging my eyes then. Everything was starting to become more real and I could feel the inevitable lump in my throat as I stopped speaking. Dr. Ward wordlessly handed me a box of tissues as I tried to compose myself.

“I’m ashamed of what I did,” I continued. “That woman humiliated me over and over and I just let her. I see her everywhere now when she isn’t there. She’s controlling my life and I haven’t done anything to stop it. I’m weak,” I whispered.

“Are you speaking of the flashbacks when you say that you “see” her?” Dr. Ward asked.

“The flashbacks are vague,” I stated, my gaze moving back and forth across the floor. “But they’re so real I feel like they’re actually happening. They make me feel I’m not in the real world. I feel the pain like it’s really happening to me. But they’re things I don’t remember happening.”

“Do they seem to have triggers? Are there certain situations where you’ve noticed something has caused them?”

I knew exactly what was triggering my flashbacks. That’s probably what upset me the most.

“They only happen when I get too close to my girlfriend,” the distress was evident in my voice.

“Intimately?” I nodded wordlessly as Dr. Ward took down several more notes. She’d probably have an entire book by the end of this.

“Tell me more about your girlfriend, Elena.” I looked up, slightly surprised at the question.

“Erm, her name’s Jessica and we’ve been together for a little over three months. She’s the most loving and supportive person in my life. She’s all I have really,” I confessed.

“What about family?”

“I don’t have any. I mean, I do but I haven’t had contact with them in about eight months.”

“Is there a reason?” Dr. Ward asked as she started the notes once again.

“My sister died in an accident. It was supposed to be me out there that day. I was the one who’s supposed to be dead, not her. They blame me and I blame me,” I said as I stared off at nothing. I kept on talking without really thinking about what I was saying. It was like my body was suddenly on autopilot. “I basically killed her, you know? I watched her die that day and all my mother could say was that “it was supposed to be you out there. Not her.” Jess tells me all the time that it wasn’t my fault and that things happen for a reason but I think that’s bullshit. What reason is there for me to still be alive? I have no purpose here,” I spat, suddenly feeling angry.

I suddenly looked back over at Dr. Ward who didn’t even look surprised by my outburst. She sat calmly listening and it made me wonder how much this woman has heard over the years. Was anything ever a surprise to her?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the end of what felt like the longest two hours of my life, time was finally up for Dr. Ward and me. She led me into a separate room which only contained a desk with a chair in front of it. It was sort of like something you would see in a job interview.

“Please take a seat here, Elena,” she said, gesturing to the chair. “I think I’ve come to a conclusion and I’ll just need to discuss a few things with you before you go.”

I sat down and watched as Dr. Ward shuffled through a few of her papers. She entered some things into a computer before turning back to me. I played with the sleeves of my long sleeved shirt nervously as if I was awaiting a life or death verdict.

“Elena, are you familiar with PTSD?” she asked.

“Yeah, it’s post-traumatic stress disorder. I hear about soldiers coming home from war with it but that’s all I really know.

“Well, it also occurs in other types of situations. Including rape and sexual assault victims. You’re showing all the symptoms and I believe that’s what your diagnosis is. You also seem to be repressing the most painful events and we’ll need to address those if they start to become clear to you,” she explained.

“Are you saying I’ll have to deal with this the rest of my life?” I asked incredulously. There was no way I could cope like this.

“No. It’s a possibility but a small one. I think you’ll be able to overcome this with some assistance,” she assured me. “What I am going to do is prescribe Sertraline. It’s an antidepressant that should help you cope. I’ll need to see you back at least once a week. You can come back more often if you like but once a week is the minimum. I’ll need to monitor your progress while you’re on the medication.”

“Okay,” I said in a monotone voice. She could have told me I was getting shock therapy and I’m not sure I would have had any emotion. I just felt drained.

“I’m also going to prescribe a sleep aid, though I only want you to use it on nights you absolutely cannot sleep.”

I nodded to show my understanding and after a few more technicalities I was free to go. I walked through the corridor in a daze and spotted Jess immediately as I entered the waiting room. She was still sat in the exact same spot as when I left over two hours ago.

She looked up and smiled widely at me as I walked over to meet her. I managed to return a weak smile as she pulled me into a tight hug. We walked out of the office wordlessly, since it would be a bit odd to start talking in the middle of a quiet waiting room.

As soon as we were out in the car though, Jess immediately spoke up first.

“Did today help you at all?” she asked almost hesitantly. She probably just didn’t want to seem pushy but I knew she should know what was going on.

“I was put on medications,” I said, looking up at Jess. I knew she’d see the shame in my eyes. That’s all I felt right now. I felt like someone who belonged in an asylum.

“Medications? What do you mean?” she asked worriedly.

“Antidepressants, sleep aids,” I told her. “And I’m supposed to come back here every week at least.”

“Okay,” she nodded as she started up the car. “I’ll take you to every appointment and I’ll do anything else that I’m able to.”

“So, having a crazy girlfriend doesn’t bother you?” I laughed humorlessly. I don’t know why I had the urge to take out my bitterness on Jess just then. I knew I shouldn’t have said that but I couldn’t take it back now.

Jess suddenly stopped the car and moved over to the side of the road. My body was thrown forward into my seatbelt at the force of the sudden stop. She shifted the car in park, quite roughly I might add, and turned her whole body to face me. All I could do was look back at her in shock.

“Don’t you ever say that you’re crazy because I know that you’re not and so do you. You’ve gone through something so painful that I could only imagine how you’re able to cope. You are not crazy, you’re hurting and it’s going to take you time to heal. You know that I love you and I’ve already told you that I’m going to be here through every step of your healing process. Now, tell me where you want to go out to eat or I’m picking myself.”

I stared, wide eyed at Jess’s outburst and the severity of her voice. She put the car in drive once again and pulled out onto the road. I just kept staring at her in shocked silence, not really knowing what to say just then. I was actually afraid to say anything, knowing that I had just made her angry at me. Jess was still staring straight ahead when she spoke again a few moments later.

“Just pick a restaurant, Elena,” she sighed out but I could see a hint of a smile on her face.

A/N  I'm not fond of this chapter but I have important things to say.

I need everyone to think back on something I think you all forgot about. No one has asked me about it so I just assume you all forgot or overlooked...or just didn't care. It's an event that happened in the first few chapters that I have not mentioned since. That's your hint as to what's going to happen in the future and that will be your only hint. If you want to guess what it is you may do so but I will only tell you if your guess is wrong. I'm not giving away the right answer so have fun with that.

There's also an important foreshadowing line in here because I like to do that stuff but have fun finding that.

But yeah yay for 3,000 word chapters! \o/ If I get enoough comments I'll post the next one tomorrow night...late.