Do you get deja vu?

        I lay in my bed, blood going through my sleeves and onto my sheets. I didn't mind, my sheets were already stained. I looked at the razor on my desk and it took a lot of effort not to grab it again.         I let Peter die.         It should have been me.         Peter's dead.          The same thought circle through my brain, and I can't shut them off. Natasha told me they had a plan and they were leaving to kill Thanos. As much as I wanted to watch Thanos die miserably I could stand to hear his voice again, to be reminded of what happened.           So I was alone, me and Rhodes in the tower. Well, Tony too but he's still asleep in the med bay.          I grabbed my phone and scrolled through Instagram, not bothering to clean the blood off my wrists. The posts were always the same, honoring the dead, stating who died, talking about grief, telling stories... rumoring about the Avengers.          I threw my phone across the room and it landed with a bang. I didn't even care if it was broken, why should I? I knew my emotions were high and I should probably just go to sleep but I couldn't. I walk out of my room and quietly got into the elevator, riding it to the bottom floor.         When it stopped I walked out and started springing to a nearby bridge and fast as I could. If I was responsible I would stop and go to sleep, I'm too reckless to make a reasonable decision right now.           I make it to the bridge and is too, panting and sobbing. I walk to the edge of the bridge and lean on the railing, looking at the moon up above and the water down below. I think for a moment and then slowly climb over the railing, if I even slightly moved I would fall down below.           In all honesty, this isn't how I wanted to die. I wanted it to be more planed out, to leave notes, but who would I even write a goodbye to at this point?Tony who's to sick to think straight?           Nah, right now, this is better. A step then it's over. No planning, just a jump.           One.          Jump.          I chant that in my mind as I take deep breathes, probably the last ones I would take. I close my eyes, breathe deeply and fully. Then I step.           All I feel is air rushing around me and then- metal?          I open my eyes to see one of Iron Man's suits holding me, I couldn't tell who was is it. I squirmed and tried to escape but I couldn't and eventually I gave up. The suit flew to the top of the tower and landed on top. Whoever was in the suit set me down gently.          Rhodes stepped out of the suit.          "What the fuck were you doing?!" He seemed surprised and angry all at once.          "You know what I was doing, or at least, what I was trying to do." I state.           Rhodes opens his mouth then shuts it again. His face falls into an upset and tired one, "yeah I do know. Cmon."            He gestures for me to follow him and I oblige, no point in resisting. He leads me down stairs and into the living room where Tony was sitting at a table drinking Vodka. I stare at the ground.            "Tony! Put that down". Rhodes commands angrily.          Tony glares at him but does so. "What do you want Rhodey?" He asks, eyeing me.          "Do you know where I found Ashlyn?" Rhodes asks. "No, you don't because you're too deep in your damn bottle to even pay attention to your ward!"          "Fine, I'm a shitty guardian. So what? Where was she?"           "On a bridge. Or, I should say, off of it."          Silence falls and Tony facial expression changes quickly to one of disbelief. He looks form me to Rhodes and back again quickly. I don't look up, I'm embarrassed and... I want to be gone. "You mean..." Tony trails off.          Rhodes nodded, "that's exactly what I mean. You're over here drinking and feeling sorry for yourself while she's jumping!"          Tony face turns angry, "I have a right to be sorry for myself! I just lost against Thanos! Half the world is dead, including Peter!"         I know he's only angry because he's drinking and so does Rhodes but nonetheless Rhodey gets angry as well.         "You think she's not affected?!" Rhodey asks.        I slowly take steps back while they yell until eventually I just walk away. I'm to tried to run so I trudge into my room and close the door, collapsing onto my bed..                                 .                                      .        I haven't eaten and I'm dangerously skinny but I didn't give a shit. No one's come into my room except Tony, who knocked to say sorry but I didn't answer so eventually he left. I don't know where the rest of the Avengers are, I assume they're chasing after Thanos but I really don't care. Even if they do kill Thanos, what will that change? Nothing.       I hear footsteps and I sit up. Natasha opens my door and stands in the doorway for a moment.       "What?" I ask.       "Are you okay?" She asked, concerned.       I hesitate and then finally speak, "I don't know. I'm kind of just... numb."       She nods knowingly, "Peter would want you to keep going. You know he would."        "He's not here though is he?" I ask, getting out of bed. "He's not here. I... I didn't want to get close to anyone, it always ends shitty and when I finally decided to take a leap and tell him I.... To tell him how I felt he fucking died. Right in front of me. In my arms."           She takes a step forward, "I know and I'm sorry but you can't try to end your life... he wouldn't want that."          "How am I supposed to keep living without him? There's no point anymore. The world is in shambles and probably won't be put back together for years. Even once it's back to whatever normal it can't feel right because there will always be something missing. There are too many empty houses to destroy or sell, too many seats in class to fill, too many jobs to hire. Life will never be fully normal. It's not just loosing Peter but trust me, that hurt like hell. It's loosing a normal life."           I take a breath then add, "life will never be the same again, that's just the truth."         She looks speechless for a moment then takes a step back. "Just... don't do it. Don't jump, please."         I roll my eyes the shut the door in her face, locking it. She knocks on it harshly but I don't answer. I grab my suit from my closet and quickly change into it. I run to my window and open it before jumping. The rush of air feels amazing. I shoot a web and start swinging through the city, the sights not as beautiful as they once were. There's no more constant noise, no more constant motion and light. It's heartbreaking.         All the empty houses... and the tears that are once again, coming down my face. I swing to the top of a nearby building and sit on top of it, overlooking the broken city. I hear a familiar voice next to me, "What do you think is more beautiful? The sunset or the lives down there." I whipped around to see Peter, what... How is he here...? However... I remember this question. I remember it happening on this very roof, I had cut, and he had caught me. This was just a daydream, Deja vu. I'm not going to pass up this moment though, even if it's fake. I remember my answer back then: 'The sunset. I'm not one for all that mushy shit and life sucks in general.' But... I'm not like that anymore. At least, I don't think I am. "The lives. Every life is valuable and you never know when someone could just... snap. And make it all disappear." I answer. Peter smiles, seemingly with my answer. "I agree. How are you doing?" I sigh and rub my face before staring at the sunset, just like last time. "Shitty. Everyone's... gone. And even the strangers and people I don't know... you can tell their gone when you look out your window and see one person walking in Times Square. Everything different and it's never going to be the same. And you're... you're dead. I finally opened up to you and you died. And here I am hallucinating because I haven't been eating or drinking." I state and feel my eyes start to water. "Your not even really here... this is just a memory."          As tears roll down my cheeks silently Peter grabs my hand. I lean my head on his shoulder as the sun sets lower and lower.         "I'm sorry Peter... I'm sorry I couldn't save you... I'm sorry I didn't really oh I loved you sooner... I'm sorry I couldn't..." I take a breath then continue, "and I'm sorry I'll never even get to tell you sorry."        I turn around and hug Peter as the sun finally sets. I breathe in his scent, it's so real yet... I know it's fake. He hugs me back lightly and  I sob into his chest, mumbling 'I'm sorry' over and over again.          I look at his face for the last time, "I love you Peter."          He smiles and opens his mouth to speak but suddenly he's gone. My daydream, hallucination, Deja vu, whatever it was, gone. Peter, gone with it.        I stumble backward, grieving. I'm tempted to end it here, just continue stumbling until I feel the air speeding around me, until I'm falling. But I don't, I don't because that not what Peter would want. I owe him that at least, just once, I refuse to try and jump, to try and hit the ground.         I slowly gather myself, wiping my tears, and I swing towards the Avengers tower. I land softly in my room and shut the window gently. There's a plate of dinner in my bed and normally I just throw it away but this time, I take three bites, small ones. I'm about to throw the rest away when suddenly I realize just how hungry I am. I finish the plate fully. Then I  lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, just like how I was on the ship, floating through space.         I close my eyes and pretty soon I'm asleep.