Chapter 7

A/N so the girl up above is Anne Winters and that's who I told y'all I liked to picture Lilly as! Super gorgeous but also has the innocent girl next door vibe about her. Thank y'all so much for all the views, votes, and comments! Especially KrisssyNicole ScarlettlovesRed @RubySlippers_

Sutter's POV

I'm sitting in my car trying to convince myself to get out, but I've been sitting here for twenty minutes and I don't feel any closer to actually exiting my vehicle than I did when I pulled up. I'm not sure what brought me here, it just felt like it was something I needed to do. Being away from this town may have got me away from the prying eyes and gossip, but it doesn't take you away from whatever you're feeling inside yourself. Unfortunately there's nowhere you can run for that.

And I haven't seen Annie's grave since the day of her funeral. My mom and sister came and visited here the day before we left for our new town, but I wasn't ready for that yet. I wasn't ready to accept the harsh truth that she was really done, and was buried under that dirt in a box, all by herself.

Coffins and all that junk are really some dark shit to think about, especially if you're claustrophobic. I mean who the hell came up with the idea of caskets anyway? And why do they need to be buried in the ground? Not that the idea of having my body burned really appeals to me either, but why the hell are those our only two options?

Stop stalling and get your ass out of the car.

I do my best to steady my nerves, and get out of my car slowly. That was a big step in itself and I may just crawl back inside and leave, because I really have no idea to how I'll react when I see her gravesite again. I know this is something I have to do though, and not coming to see her is causing the guilt to eat me up on the inside.

If she is able to look down on me, what would she think of the fact that her own father never took the time to come and see where she's laid to rest, and spoke to her about things? I'm sure she probably doesn't think highly of me anyway, after the way I treated her mother. But I can only fix one thing at a time, and this one seems like the easiest one to start with.

Lilly has a lot more back bone now than what she did before. Not that that's a bad thing, I just wasn't expecting it.

I take a deep breath and then start walking my way around the other graves, aiming for the one that's a lot smaller than all the rest. When I make it to her headstone, I squat down on my knees, and run my fingers over her name engraved in the stone. I loved her name.

Lilly used to love the movie "Annie" about the little red headed orphan girl, and that's why she chose it. At first I was so against it, but then when Lilly had her and I saw her call her by her name for the first time, there was no denying that sweet little face was definitely an Annie.

I'm so caught up in my thoughts of remembering her face, that it takes me a second to notice the empty wine bottles that are loitering around me.

And a shoe? One single shoe. After closer examination though, I realize it looks a lot like the gray tennis shoes that Lilly had on today. Not that I memorized her outfit or anything..

I stand up and peer around, almost expecting to see someone else walking around. Not that I'm particularly fond of that idea, because as bad as it is, grave yards give me the creeps. And we used to play stupid games around here when we were kids.

In the distance I can hear a splash of water, and I look around again, still expecting there to be someone else with me. Then I remember that there used to be a pond over this way, because Lilly and I used to ride our bikes around here. And one time Jesse was dared to go swimming in it when we were younger, but he chickened out and we didn't let him forget about that for weeks.

I march my way over to the trail, hoping it's just some kids messing around like we used to.

What I'm not expecting to find, is a pile of girls clothes by the water, and another bottle of liquor. When I look out at the water, I almost don't see anything. But with the way the moonlight is reflecting off the water, I notice there's solid outline of someone floating there on their backs.

I'm taking off my socks and shoes before I even analyze what's really going on. Please tell me I did not just find a dead body in the water at the fucking cemetery.

I already have a hard enough time coming here and that's definitely not helping me with my predicament.

The girl isn't far too far out, so when I take my first couple of steps I can start making out her features.

Blonde hair, soft white skin, and a small nose, perfect cheeks, and plump lips.. wait a second.

No. It's not her.

My mind isn't able to really process if it's Lilly or not, because if it is I would probably drown myself after finding her.

"Lilly!" I scream so loud it makes my throat hurt. I start running as fast as I can through the water, only slowing down when the surface underneath me drops off.

I reach out and grab her hand, yanking her body into mine and swimming us backwards to where I can touch. As soon as I'm standing, I'm pulling her up into my face, fully prepared to start giving her mouth to mouth and CPR. She wasn't underwater when I got here, but I have no idea what happened before that.

When I hear her let out a low grumble, I literally feel my eyes swell with water at the relief I feel.

"Lilly." I say, trying to wake her up. I grab her face in my hands, and when she gets closer to me, I can smell the alcohol fumes rolling off of her in waves. Did she really ingest all of that liquor and wine into her little body? Is she not like pushing the limits to alcohol poisoning?

"Lilly!" I say again, but louder this time and give her body a couple of shakes. I don't want her to throw up on me, but at this point I think that may be what she needs.

Finally I see her using her own muscles to hold her head up and her eyes squint open, just enough to see me.

"Sut what are you doing here?" She asks, and leans her head on my chest. And I think the thing that beats inside of my chest may just explode.

"I was..visiting and noticed your shoe and bottles, and then I heard a splash and decided to come and see who it was. What the hell are you doing out here, anyway?"

She takes in a deep breath and moves her head back far enough so she can look at me. "I really wanted to go for a swim." She hiccups and it takes everything I have not to laugh, because I realize she still hiccups when she drinks.

But there's not much else funny about this situation, and the amount of alcohol she drank has me extremely concerned.

"Well why did you drink so much?"

"I have to." She answers simply.

"Why do you have to?"

"So I can live." She whispers, and leans her head back in the water again.

My heart is breaking. She feels like she needs to drink herself into oblivion, just to be able to live?

What the hell have I done to her? She shouldn't be like this, no one should ever be like this. But especially not my Lilly.

She starts giggling, and I realize she has wrapped her legs around my waist, and she lets the top half of her body float over the water. "Do you remember when we were six and your mom took us to our lessons to learn how to swim, and everyone gave me shit because I couldn't go under water without holding my nose?"

I'm not sure if she really expects me to answer or not, so I just sit there quietly and let her continue to talk. Her words are slurred and slow, but I can still make out what she's saying.

"You didn't care though, and you told that one boy that if he said something else to me again you were going to push him off the side and into the water when the teacher wasn't looking." She starts giggling again and I can't help the sting inside my chest at that memory of us as kids. We used to do everything together.

She sits up in the water, and touches my cheeks with her pruney fingers, keeping her legs locked around my waist.

She studies my face for a while without saying anything. "You look so real, exactly how I would imagine you would look when we got older."

"I look real because I am real, Lilly." I tell her softly, not wanting to upset her or set her off.

"No, you're not. This has to be a dream, because my Sutter left a long time ago, and he told me he was never coming back for me."

"Well your Sutter is back now, and he wants to make things right. And he wants to apologize to you, for leaving you after-"

"Please don't say it." She says, and puts her fingers to my lips to keep me from talking. "It hurts too much to even think about, but especially to say it out loud and acknowledge that it was real."

I lean my forehead forward against hers. "But it was real, and we have to talk about everything at some point. Even if you decide to never give me another chance, we still should talk about that. I think we both need it."

"I can't give you another chance. You don't love me anymore, and I can't take another heartbreak like the last one. I was barely able to stitch it back up this time."

Her words make me feel like the piece of shit I am, but I'm not giving up. "I will never leave you again, I will be here for good. I will be around you so much that you'll get sick of me and have to tell me to give you some space."

She laughs softly, sweetly. Almost like she used to before everything was ruined. "I have never got tired of being around you, you're what kept me together. It was when you left that I got so sick. How do you go from having someone beside you everyday, to not even getting to hear their voice or see their face? That kind of thing can drive a person crazy, it did me."

"You're not crazy Lil, you're just very sad." I tell her truthfully. I move our bodies backwards a little bit because my back is starting to hurt from supporting both of us. The angle I move us at makes more of the moon shine on her face, and I notice a mark on the middle of her neck.

Is that..? No..please tell me it's not.

"Lilly, is that a hickey on the middle of your neck?" There's no mistaking the edge to my voice, but I doubt her drunk ears picked up on it.

"Yep." She says, popping the P sound at the end.

I don't say anything for a minute, trying to process my thoughts and anger, so I don't say anything in the heat of the moment.

"Don't worry, it's not like I even remember it happening." She tells me, as if that makes the situation any better.

"Denny isn't the one who left it then?"

"No, he is. I was just really drunk I guess. He and I don't have sex unless we're both drunk. It's too weird otherwise."

The thought of them having sex at all makes me see red, but the thought of him having sex with Lilly when she was so drunk that she can't even remember it? It takes me to a place in my fury that I've never been before.

I hoist her up higher on my hips and turn to start walking us out of the water. "Where are we going?" She asks in protest.

But I don't answer her, still not trusting myself to speak just yet. I don't break my stride when I bend down to pick up her clothes and my shoes from the ground near the water.

If I wasn't so angry I might be thinking about the fact that her body is wrapped around mine and she's half naked, but my mind doesn't have to capacity to hold anything else inside it right now.

I walk us back down the trail, and tighten my grip on her out of instinct when it starts to get darker and I can't see around us as well.

"Wow you just be running like super fast because it took me forever to walk this mile long trail."

I roll my eyes at Lilly's nonsense because this trail to the pond is maybe a quarter mile long. But I guess in her drunken state that is a pretty long ways to walk.

I sit Lilly down beside her shoes and put mine on before I try to start helping her.

"What are you doing?" She asks, with her voice muffled by her shirt that I currently have over her head trying to get it on.

Her pants are even more difficult to get on because her legs are still wet, and the material keeps sticking to her skin.

"I'm going to take you home, and then I'm going to run another errand." I finally tell her when I know I can talk without saying something out of line.

"It's a little late to be running errands don't you think?"

"It's never too late for the one I'm about to run."

She leans back in the grass and curls up on her side. "Okay, well you can just leave me here. I'll make my way home eventually, I have my bike."

"You're out of your mind if you think I'm leaving you here with the state that you're in right now. We'll put your bike in my trunk and I'll drive you home." I don't leave any room for discussion as I start pulling on her arm to make her stand up.

But she rips her arm out of my grasp and flops back down to the ground. "No, just leave me here. I'll be fine. I sleep here some nights, no one ever bothers me."

I'm stunned into silence, and feel my face scrunch up. "Why the hell would you sleep here?"

"Because sometimes being surround by the dead isn't even as lonely as being inside my house with the two people who despise me most in the world. I'm not going back there, not tonight anyway." She closes her eyes. "You said you would love me enough that it didn't matter if no one else did, but what you didn't realize is that you took away the only people who ever truly did."

My girl then tucks her head down, and starts to snore a few minutes later. Her words keep echoing around in my head on repeat, and I don't even know what to think.

All the anger I had built up inside me dissipated as soon as those broken words left her beautiful mouth.

And for the first time since I've come back to here and started to get better and back to myself, I wonder if she ever will give me another chance, or if I even do deserve her love this time.