Chapter 6

      Lilly's POV

      When I make it home later that night, I have ten missed calls from Denny, and about a thousand text messages. Some are apologies, some are questions, and then some are threats of leaving me if he sees me near Sutter. I ignore them all, and take off my work clothes before putting on something else comfier.

      I'm laying on my bed, processing everything, when there's a tentative knock on my bedroom door.

     I sit up quickly, wondering who it could be. "Come in."

     I'm met with disappointment when It's just my mom, poking her head in first, before cautiously entering the room the rest of the way.

     "Hi, can we talk?" Her voice is soft, but it has no motherly affect on me.

     "What about?" My voice is empty, monotone.

     "I saw where the Mayfields' moved back, how do you feel about that?" She sits down on my bed beside my legs, and I make sure to move them over as far as I can, so there's no way we're touching.

     "What do you want?" I make no attempts to hide the annoyance in my voice. My mother and I don't small talk, ever. There has to be some underlying reason to this.

     "I just wanted to talk to you, and apologize for what your father did this morning. He promised me he's not going to hit you anymore." Her eyes are looking at my cheek and lip, where my battle wounds are from the backhand I got this morning.

     "Oh wow, did he? And how many times has he made that promise to you in the past?" I use as much sarcasm in my voice as I can. "You and I both know the man is never going to stop hitting me, he's sick in the head. And the fact that you try to cover for him, and make excuses for what he does, makes you just as sick as he is."

     My mom has the audacity to tear up, and look like my words have really hurt her. "I know you don't understand Lilly, but I do hate that he hurts you. I do. If I could make him stop, I would."

     "You could have made this stop a long time ago by leaving him. He's been hitting me since I was eleven. This isn't like some new thing he has just started doing all of the sudden."

"I know, but you've just got to stop doing things to make him so mad. You intentionally back talk and show out, knowing what he's going to do the moment he hears about it."

My mouth is wide open. "You're not seriously blaming me for the fact that he's been hitting me all these years, are you? Because let's get one thing fucking straight, I never did anything wrong when I was younger. I did every single thing he asked of me, and more. It was still never good enough."

"When you were younger, yes you did act appropriately. But then you got pregnant as a young teenager, and out of wedlock. How do you think that made him look?" I can tell by the tone of her voice, that she actually believes the words that are coming out of her mouth.

What is wrong with my parents?

"Yeah, you know what mom, you're so right. I was just a little old slut back in the day and got myself knocked up. But I think God punished me enough for that one all on his own, don't you?" I stand up off the bed and point to my door. "I think our conversation is over. And if you want to know what I think about Sutter and his family being back, you can tell them I said to go to hell. Does that answer your question?"

My mom sits on my bed, not saying anything but just looking at me like she doesn't know me. And I guess she doesn't, because I don't even know myself anymore. I've been lost for so long, and every time I think there may be some sliver of hope that I'll find myself, something knocks me right back down.

She finally stands up from my bed, and reaches her arm up like she wants to touch my face. But I step back before she gets too close, and she lets her arm drop. With a melancholy look on her face and a sigh, she finally walks out of my room.

As soon as I hear the door latch, I kneel down on the floor and reach under my bed for my stash of booze. I only have 2 bottles of wine and some vodka, but it'll have to do.

I throw all the bottles in a backpack with a shirt wrapped around each of them so they don't make loud clanging noises, and then walk out of my balcony doors. There's a tree that's right next to my balcony, and I have it down to a science of climbing down.

When I make it down to the bottom, I pull out one of the bottles and fill my water bottle with wine. I drag my bike out of the bushes that I keep it hid in, and then start pedaling down the road with the bag on my back, and my drink in my hand.

And then I head to the place where I always go, when I feel like I'm suffocating inside my body.

•••

     I get off my bike in one swift movement, and drop it to the ground. I know what's coming and what I'm going to see, but it doesn't make it any easier, no matter how many times I come here.

     I drop to my knees on the ground beside the big gray stone, and read the words carved into it for what seems like the thousandth time.

     Annie Jane Mayfield    Child of Christ and to her parents    Forever free now with her wings     I never figured out who chose the words to go on her grave stone, but I guess it works. It just seems like only sixteen words shouldn't have been able to sum up her whole life. I could write novels about her and she was only here with me a couple of months. But when they say there's nothing like a mother's love, a real mother, they aren't kidding.

    I've never loved another human being so fast and fiercely. If someone came up to me today and said that if my life was taken away, that Annie would get her's back, I'd do it without a second thought, and without any regrets.

    There are no words of comfort to help you through the loss of a child. I'm convinced it'll never get better for me, and that everyday and night I'm going to wake up with this hole in my chest, and the constant feeling that something isn't here that should be.

     I lay down in the grass next to her stone, and I rub my fingers across the hard surface. I start humming the nursery rhyme I always used to sing to her. I bring the bottle of liquor to my lips, having already drank all the wine on my bike ride over here.

    Stopping to fill up my water bottle was just too tedious. I'm starting to feel the effects of the alcohol though, because the inside of my head is starting feel all swimmy, and the ache in my chest isn't as prominent.         Swimmy, what a funny word. Hey, I'd like to go swimming.

    I sit up too quickly for all the alcohol I've consumed, and have to put my hands out on the ground to catch myself from falling back over. When I finally stand up, I only have enough balance to carry myself and a bottle of liquor with me to the woods. I drank the first two bottles of wine, and now I'm down to vodka, saving the best and strongest for last.  I somehow lost my shoes when I was laying down, but I don't have the energy to care or look for them.

    I start stumbling in the direction of the woods beside the cemetery, where I know there's a trail that leads to decent sized pond. I used to ride bikes back there when I was kid. The woods are a lot darker than I realized, and I'm walking by pure memory. After walking what seems like forever, I see a break in the woods up ahead and start to speed up my pace.

    Which is a bad idea, because not long after I feel my body being hurled forwards after catching my foot on what I assume is a tree root sticking up from the ground. I manage to stand back up, and don't even feel any pain from the fall I just took. The alcohol has definitely worked its way into my system, and I don't even feel my fingers touch my face when I move hair out of eyes.

    When I break out of the tree line, things instantly get lighter from the moonlight. I make it to the pond and fall down at the waters edge. There's not much left in my bottle, so I chug the last remaining gulps down. Saliva pools in my mouth and my stomach burns, but I refuse to let myself waste any drop of alcohol I was able to ingest. I swallow down the nausea, and start to remove my clothing. I leave on my bra and underwear, and then tip toe into the water.

    I make my way out into the water, with the surface reaching up to my mid thigh, when all of the sudden the soggy ground underneath my feet drops off, and I completely submerge.

    I'm trying to fight my way to the surface, but every part of my body seems to be moving slow motion, including my train of though. When I finally break the surface of the water, I breathe in a huge gulp of air, reveling in the feeling of the oxygen filling up my lungs. I rest for a minute and let the panic subside that was welling inside of me. The feeling of not actually being able to breathe is petrifying.

    But for those few second of having no air, I wasn't thinking of the heart wrenching turmoil that lives inside my soul. That revelation has me tempted to stick my head under again and never surface. But I'm not ready for that. So instead, I roll over on my back, sticking my arms out beside me. I move my hands over the water and watch the water ripple around me.

    For some unknown reason, Sutter's handsome face enters my mind. He looks so good, even better than he did before he left. I had myself so convinced that he would never have the same affect on me if I ever saw him again. Even in my drunken state, I can feel the butterflies stirring up in my stomach at the thought of when his lips were so close to mine earlier today. Sutter kissed me for the first time when we were twelve, and asked me to be his girlfriend that same night. I remember going home and smiling so hard, not even my dad's harsh words could wipe it off my face. I was so blindingly happy, and we were so young. That happiness only grew as we got older and we learned what love really was all about. Our connection only grew deeper and more real, it never ended.

    Sutter had always been protective of me when we were younger, like if the boys picked on me for being the only girl who was playing with them. I lost both my front teeth at the same time and got called countless names in school, but Sutter always stood up for me, and even tried to get his other front tooth to come out early so we would look alike and I wouldn't be so sad.

    But I had never seen him be so ferociously jealous, and overprotective, the way he was with Denny today. It was shocking to see him like that, and also..kinda hot.

    Okay, extremely hot.

    God, I really am drunk. I'm not the type of girl who thinks a guy being possessive is hot. But I can't deny the pure gratification I felt when I realized how upset he was to see me with someone else. To see that I hadn't sat around waiting for him and crying myself to sleep.

    I mean I still cried myself to sleep sometimes, but that wasn't something he needed to know.

    The first time Sutter ever got jealous of me and another guy, we were fourteen and getting ready to go into high school. Sutter played football and was really good, he ended up getting close to some of the varsity guys and he got invited to an end of summer get together, and of course me being his girlfriend and all, I was his date to the party. We had the whole thing planned out, my parents thought I was sleeping over at Nadine's and his parents thought he was staying at Denny's house. One of the varsity guys picked us up at the park we met at and drove us to their party, and we were going to be spending the night together for the first time as well.

***

    "And what happens if we get caught, Sutter? My parents will kill me." I'm so nervous about getting caught but Sutter keeps convincing me to stay.

    "Baby, we are not going to get caught, okay? You're just freaking yourself out. Everything will go perfect, I promise. Not to mention we're getting to spend the night together alone, and how often do you ever think a chance like this will come around?" He grabbed my cheeks with his hands and peppered my lips with soft kisses, knowing that his kisses were my weakness.

    "Okay fine," I relented. "It's not like my parents like me anyway. Not like they could hate me anymore than they already do, even if we do get caught."

    "Hey," he says softly, putting his hand under my chin and tilting my head up. "I love you enough that it doesn't even matter if anyone else does, but they don't hate you babe. They're just going through a rough spot right now, okay?"

    I let his words comfort me for the time being, because I haven't told him yet how my dad has been treating me these last few years. Every now and then he'll catch the tail end of me getting yelled at, but he's never seen my dad lay his hands on me. He's too careful for that.

    We don't get the chance to discuss it any further though, because our ride pulls up and then we're on our way to our first party. When we pull up to the house it's not what I expected. You can't hear any music and there's not people and red solo cups littering the lawn.

We get out of the car and follow the guys inside. Sutter is high fiving older guys that we pass, and they're all yelling out some stupid stuff about the football season.

Someone offers us some beer and I turn it down but Sutter accepts it. We've only been standing here talking and sitting this couch when a groups of boys walk over and want Sutter to see some football room upstairs in the house.

"You'll be okay until I get?" He asks, obviously worried about leaving me by myself.

"Yeah, I'll be fine." I smile reassuringly and let him walk off with his new friends. I know how excited he is to be accepted into their crowd so easily, and he wants to show them how hard he's willing to work at football.

I'm sitting on the couch for close to five minutes when a couple, who is practically having sex with each other, falls on to the leather sofa beside me. They're literally moaning and grabbing at each other, so I jump up with flaming cheeks and try to find somewhere else to wait for him.

I walk through the kitchen and there's people everywhere in here talking and making drinks. But I see a sliding glass door on the far wall and decide to wait out there in the peace and quiet. I step on to the porch and walk straight to the railing, leaning my arms on the ledge. I drop my head into my hands and take a deep breath.

"What's wrong jailbait?" A deep masculine voice says out of nowhere, and I jump out of my skin and screech loudly.

Turning my head in the direction of the voice, I see a guy sitting in a wooden lawn chair that's pushed up against the other side. I hadn't noticed him when I walked out because it was so dark and he was so quiet.

"Shit, sorry for screaming. I didn't know anyone else was out here.." I fiddle with my jacket zipper and consider going back inside because I don't want to disturb him, but I really don't want to go back in there alone, either.

"Yeah I gathered that." He says she stands up out of the chair before walking over to where I'm standing. He has shaggy, dirty blonde hair and the bluest eyes I've ever seen i a boy. And he has this air around him, like he's in charge. He's clearly older as well, because where Sutter still has chubby cheeks, this guy is all clean cut muscle.

I'm staring so bad right now, I have to stop. I look down and realize next to him I probably look like a bum. I have my hair into a side braid and I'm wearing jeans and a tank top, with a little jacket over top the shirt. "I'll get out of your way and go back inside." I say and start to step around him, but he stops me.

"No, you're fine really. You look like you were trying to escape the party too."

"You didn't want to be in there either?"

He shrugs. "I have these parties because I know it's something people expect of me, they get kinda old after a while though."

"Oh, so this is your house?"

"Indeed it is." He raises a cup to his lips and takes a drink. He sees me watching and offers me the cup. "You want some?"

I shake my head. "I don't really like beer all that much."

"It's not beer, it's a mixed drink. Most chicks love this stuff, try it."

He's pretty insistent and I feel like it's rude to say no to the host of the party, so I grab the drink and bring it to my lips. The liquid is definitely stronger than beer, but from some reason I like the taste a lot more. "Wow, that's actually pretty good. You were right." I say, and take another drink.

"Just go easy on it. I know it may not taste like it has a lot of alcohol in it, but it's pretty potent."

I nod my head and we walk back over to the chairs where he was sitting, and we start talking.

I'm not sure how long we sit there, but he gets up and refills the drink a number of times and we share it each time, draining it completely. We talk and laugh the whole time we're sitting there, and he keeps touching me in some way a lot. He'll nudge my knee with his own, pull on the end of my braid, or make sure our hands touch when we're passing the cup back and forth.

He's in the middle of telling me some crazy story and I'm laughing extra hard at it for some reason, when the door to the patio opens up and Sutter walks outside.

"Lilly what the hell, I've been looking everywhere for you for over an hour. No one knew where you went." His voice sounds angry. Why is he angry with me?

"I've just been sitting out here talking to my new friend." I hiccup and then giggle, causing Austin to chuckle at me. His name is Austin, like the city in Texas.

I'm not sure why I'm thinking of it that way but it makes me giggle too.

"Jesus Christ, are you drunk?" Sutter asks me, in a voice that is definitely not happy. He looks accusingly at Austin. "What have you been giving her?"

"We've just been sharing a couple mixed drinks. No harm done."

"You've been sharing them?" Sutter asks, sounding even angrier then before. "Lilly cmon, get up and come back inside with me."

I start to lean forward to get out of the seat, when I feel a hand reach down and press on my legs, pushing me back down. "I don't think she wants to leave, and we were having a good time talking, weren't we Lilly?" Austin asks.

I'm kinda shocked and don't really know what to say or do, especially when I look at Sutter and see that he's staring at Austin's hand on my leg. I use my hands to lift his off of my leg, and start to stand up again. I don't want Sutter getting angry and saying something to make this guy mad. He's a lot bigger than him.

But once again when I'm going stand up, he grabs my hand and this time yanks me into his lap. "I said we were having a good time, and you're interrupting that. You should leave." Austin says to Sutter, and I'm instantly uncomfortable because the whole time we've been talking, he never flirted with me or made it seem like he was trying to get with me. If he had I would've got up and left a while ago.

Sutter marches over to the chair, and roughly picks me up and stands me next to him. "How about don't tell my girlfriend what to do dick, and don't ever touch her again."

He spins around and pulls me with him. We walk all the way through the house, well I stumble, and out the front door.

When we're outside alone, he drops my hand. "Shit!" He yells, loudly. "Why were you out there with him Lilly? The guy was obviously into you, and you just sat there?"

"I didn't know he was into me!" I explain and hiccup once. Those are getting really annoying, I wish they'd go away. "The whole time we talked he never said anything out of the ordinary. And I was out there in the first place waiting on you."

"When I came back downstairs after being gone only like ten minutes, you weren't on the couch and no one could find you. And then when I do find you, you're outside with some other dude, and your drunk."

"Well I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to get drunks and I just thought we were having a friendly chit chat."

"I mean are you into that guy or something?" Sutter asks me, his voice full of accusations.

Is her serious? "Are you serious?"

"I mean I don't know what else to think Lilly? You were out there sitting with him for over an hour, and never thought again about coming to find me. And then when I try to make you leave, the guy feels comfortable enough to put his hands on you and pull you in his lap."

"Okay, look, I understand being upset about the way he acted, but I had no idea he was going to be like that. And I just lost track of time while we were talking, but we really were just talking and I even told a couple stories about things that happened with us. I never tried to hide the fact that I had a boyfriend. I was just trying to let you go off and have fun with your new friends."

Sutter looks at me a while before finally speaking, and I can't decipher the look on his face. It could be because there's like two of them, but whatever. "So you're not into him?"

"No, Hellen Keller! Did you not just hear a word I said? The only person I've ever been into is you, and meeting some guy at a party is not going to change that. Nothing is ever going to change that."

"Okay, you're right. I'm sorry. I just can't believe he grabbed you like that and pulled you on his lap. I want to go and punch him in his face."

I take a couple steps toward him and wrap my arms around his waist, and lay my head on his chest. "No, lets not go do that. I like you in one solid piece."

"Oh, you don't think I could take him?" He asks in a teasing voice.

"You can take me." I say flirtatiously, and lean back far enough to kiss him, and shove my tongue in his mouth.

He kisses me for a while before pulling back. "You are never drinking when I'm not around."

"Why, because I'm such a seductress when I'm under the influence?" I step back and shake my hips for him teasingly and he can't help but laugh at me.

"Good god, what am I gonna do with you for the rest of the night?" He asks.

"Love me." I say and lay my head on his chest again.

He leans down and kisses my head. "Always." He whispers in my ear.

••••

Tears are streaming down my already wet face from the water. I can't stop the sob that breaks out of my chest at the thought of that memory.

I did my best not to think about him over the years, because every time I did the feeling over him being gone hit me like a hurricane all over again. I thought me and him were different, and could face anything together. I guess I was wrong.

I'm really sleepy now, and let my eyes close and body relax even more that's still floating on top of the water.

I must extremely intoxicated too, because I swear in the distance I can hear him calling my name..