Chapter 5

    Two years after realizing the feelings I had for Lilly were more than just friendship, I finally asked her to be my girlfriend. It wasn't because I didn't want her to be my girlfriend or wasn't ready, I was just scared she didn't feel the same way I did, and I would ruin the friendship we had created over the years. The relationship Lilly and I had wasn't the kind that fades away over the years, or the kind you grow out of. We truly cared and valued each other, and losing her wasn't an option for me.         But I couldn't take it any longer, I couldn't wait another day without her knowing the truth. We were in the 6th grade, and this was the first year we were able to go to the Valentines Day dance. Today at lunch, Jesse told me he heard that Bobby was going to ask Lilly to the dance, and if she said yes, he was going to kiss her at the end of the night.

     Now I knew from being Lilly's best friend since we were five, that she had never been kissed before. So Bobby would be her first kiss. I overheard my mom and sister talking one night, and I heard my mom tell Jo, that no matter how old you are, a girl will always remember her first kiss.

     Do I look like I want Lilly to be remembering Bobby for the rest of her life? Hell no I don't. So I decided tonight, I was going to get Lilly to sneak out and I was going to tell her how I feel, and ask her to go to the dance with me, as my date and girlfriend.

      And at the end of the night, only if she wanted to, I would give her her first kiss, and that way no matter what happened to us, she would always remember me.

     That afternoon when we dropped Lilly off at her house, I got out of the car and walked her up to her door. I didn't normally do this so I knew she would ask me what was up, but I couldn't tell her to sneak out and meet me in front of my mom.

     "Is everything okay?" She asks, when we get to the front door of her house.

    "Everything is fine, I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to sneak out with me tonight after everyone was asleep and go to the treehouse?" Our dads built us a treehouse for our 8th birthdays, and ever since that's the place we always met up with each other. It was in the woods behind our houses, but it was in the middle and away from everyone else.

     That was one of the only few nice things I had ever seen Lilly's Dad do for her. But I'm sure when my dad asked him if he wanted help, he knew it would make him look bad to say no.

     "Sure," she said, her face lighting up with a smile. For some reason those were getting rare these days. She didn't smile like she used to, and I didn't know why. "I'd love to. But you're sure everything's okay?" "Positive, and hopefully after tonight everything will be better than okay."

She cocks her head to the side in confusion, but I'm already sprinting back to my moms car. She'll have to wait until tonight for everything else. •••

This is the fifth rock I've throw at her window, and the last. If she doesn't come down this time, I reckon she's not coming down at all. I can't believe she forgot that she was meeting me.

Shaking my head in disappointment, I start trying to figure out how to ask her out now before anyone else gets the chance. As I'm walking in the direction of my house, I see movement out of the corner of my eye. I turn and see Lilly in a white shirt jumping up and down, waving her arms to get my attention.

I smile so wide the whole time I'm running towards her that my cheeks start aching. "I thought you forgot about meeting me!" "No, silly! I've been here. But you just said to meet you at the treehouse, you didn't say that you were going to come and get me." She shrugs her shoulders in the cute and innocent way that only she can do.

"Well of course I was going to come and get you. It's dark outside, and you shouldn't be running out here by yourself. You never know who could be out here."

She playfully rolls her eyes and gives me a light shove. "Anytime we wrestle, I almost always beat you. I think I can handle myself."

"You only beat me because I let you win!" I exclaim embarrassedly.

"Whatever you say, Sut. So what did you wanna meet out here for anyway?"

I look down and start using the toe of my sneaker to move some dirt around. "Well, I wanted to ask you something.."

"Okay, what is it?" She asks, and moves her foot on top of mine, stopping my movements and making me look up at her.

"It's just..I heard...I don't know how.."

"Just spit it out Sutter!"

"I like you!" I yell so loud I'm sure every animal in the woods behind us heard me.

"Yeah, I like you too? So what?"

She's still not getting it. "No Lilly, I like like you. Like more than my friend. I want to ask you to the dance." I look away again, my cheeks heating up with some strange sensation that I'm not used to.

I hear her soft intake of breath. "You do? How come you've never said anything?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know, I just never wanted to mess up our friendship. But then Jesse told me that he heard that Bobby was going to ask you to the dance and then he was going to kiss you and I couldn't let that-"

"He already asked me today, Sutter." She tells me softly.

"He did? Well why didn't you tell me?" I'm so mad. Madder than I've ever been. Madder than I was when Jo stole my favorite shirt and got dress up make up all over it.

"Because I told him no, so I didn't think it mattered."

"Oh, you told him no? Why'd you do that?"

"I don't know, I guess I've been waiting for someone else to ask me." Now it's her turn to look down and play with the dirt around her shoes.

"Who did you want to ask you?" I ask timidly, praying to anyone who is listening that she's going to say my name.

"You." She whispers quietly, but there's no mistaking the words.

I smile. "If you wanted me to ask you, why didn't you say anything?"

"I guess I only wanted you to ask me if that's what you really wanted. I didn't want you to feel like you had to take me, and I didn't want you to want to go with me as just friends."

"Well I do want to take you, and I don't want to go as just friends. Actually, I wanted to ask you something else.." I trail off, and I can feel my heartbeat in my throat and ears.

"What's that?"

"Lilly..will you be..my girlfriend?" I can't look at her. There's no way I could look at her right now.

I hear her soft girly giggle and look up to see the biggest smile on her face. "Yes, I would love to be your girlfriend and your date to the dance, Sutter Mayfield."

I break out into giggles too, and before I realize what I'm doing, I'm leaning forward and pressing my lips to hers.

My first kiss.

At first she freezes, but then I feel her relax and press back. Our teeth hit a little bit because neither of us know what we're doing, but that's okay.

She pulls back and looks at me. "You kissed me."

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I was going to wait until after the dance and ask you if you wanted to, but I couldn't help myself. Plus I heard Bobby said that he was going to kiss you and I knew you had never been kissed before and I just really didn't want your first kiss to be with Bobby. Not that I don't like Bobby but.." I trail off because I know I'm just rambling because I'm so nervous.

"But Bobby isn't you, and there's no way he could've ever topped that. I'm not sure anyone has ever had a better first kiss." And she leans forward and kisses me for the second time.

Just like that, I'm her first kiss, and someone she'll have no choice but to remember for the rest of her life.

••••

    I got home from Lilly's work a couple of hours ago, and I haven't left my room since. I'm trying to get a good understanding of my feelings, but I just have too much going on in my head to even process everything.

     I rub my hands up and down my face, groaning out loud in frustration.

     "Didn't go too good, huh?" Jo asks, startling me.

     "You could say that again."

    She walks over to my bed and sits down next to me. "What happened?"

     I close my eyes and lean my head back against my wall. "Basically I showed up and she saw me, but we didn't even get to talk because Denny pulled her away. Denny who is now her boyfriend. We went outside when things got heated between us, he mouthed off and I punched him in the face. Then I talked to Lilly for a couple of minutes alone before Denny showed back up again and made her leave."

     I glance over at Jo, and she's wide eyed. "Lilly and Denny? Seriously?"

     "Yeah, I fucking know."

     "Ugh, c'mon Lil. She could've at least rebounded with someone cuter and who wasn't such a douche bag. Not that Denny isn't cute or whatever, but she could do waaaaay better."

     "Whose side are you on?" I ask her accusingly. The way she's talking is like it's okay that Lilly is with anyone that wasn't me.

     "I'm on your side, always. But I'm not going to sugarcoat shit for you either Sutter, and the simple fact is that you fucked up. Did you honestly think she would stay single the whole time you were away, until you came back?"

     Well when she words it like that.. "Yes, no, I don't know. All I know is that I wasn't expecting her to be with Denny and for it to be so blatantly rubbed in my face."

     "I know you don't want to hear this, but Lilly's life still moved on after you left her. And you left her broken and pissed off, which is never a good combo to leave a beautiful girl in. You had to know this was bound to happen eventually. If you had never come back, would you have wanted her to be alone forever?"

     "I would never want her to be alone forever, but I guess somewhere deep inside of me, I always knew I would come back for her. I knew that she was and always would be, the girl for me. So when I picture her, I always see her with me, because that's the way things are supposed to be."

     Jo pats my knee lovingly. "I understand what you're saying, but you threw things off track when you left, and now you have to make them right." She scoots up off the bed before I'm ready for her to leave.

     "So then how do I fix it?" The desperation is so heavy in my words.

     She shrugs. "I'm not sure, that's something you'll have to figure out on your own. But you've always known Lilly better than anyone, I'm sure you can do it." She continues to walk out of my room.

     "Where are you going?" Is she really not going to help me?

     "To get your some ice for those swollen knuckles, and then to help you brainstorm on how to get our girl back." Jo says, and smiles at me in that annoying know-it-all way that only little sisters can do.