Chapter 4

Lilly's POV

I can't take my eyes off him. I can't decide if this is real or if I'm still in my bed sleeping.

    Sutter is here, like actually here, right in front of me. And my god, does he really have to look better than he did before he left? I mean we have to even out the playing fields or something, because I know I look like a slob right now.

     I stopped caring about how I looked and what people thought the second he broke my heart. Because to me it just seems useless now.

    Denny has my chin in his hand trying to get me to look at him, but like a moth to a flame, my eyes won't leave Sutter's.

     What are the symptoms of shock? Cause I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing it right now.

     "Lilly!" Denny shouts loud enough to make everyone stop talking and turn towards us. I finally grant him my attention because I really don't need him causing a scene at my job.

     Not like I didn't do that already, but whatever. That's beside the point.

     "What?" I finally ask, my voice harsher than necessary, but I can only focus on one thing right now. And it's completely on the boy with the dark green eyes, who hasn't taken his attention off of me yet either.

    I guess some things never change, no matter how many years of separation you experience.

      "Stop fucking looking at him and pay attention to me." He snaps his fingers in my face and I jerk my head back to give him the worst look I can manage, because who does he think he's talking to? "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get you to stop and listen to me."

      "Okay well I'm listening, what's going on? What the hell is he doing back?" Some of the initial shock has wore off, and the anger is starting to work it's way inside me.

      He left me, and said he was never coming back. So why is he showing his face around this town again, acting like he has some place in it?

     Denny shakes his head and looks back at the table where Sutter has stood up from and looks like he's heading over here any second. "I have no more information on that than you do. He walked in here with Jesse, you know I would never bring him around you."

     I soften a little at his words, because despite our fucked up relationship, Denny is the only one who has felt anger towards Sutter leaving us the way I have. And he's the only one who stayed up with me night after night, watching me cry myself to sleep, or drink and take drugs so much that I made myself physically sick.

     I reach my hand up and touch his cheek lightly. "I know. If there's anyone I can count on, I know it's you."

     He wraps his fingers around my wrist lovingly, and starts to lean in like he's going to kiss me. And I hope he does.

     So that the boy who is still staring at me, realizes that I'm not the same sad, little vulnerable girl I was when he left me. And that I damn sure wasn't waiting around on him to come back to me.

But before Denny's lips can make contact with mine, he's roughly pulled from my grasp. But he doesn't let go of my wrist, which causes me to jerk forward with him.

"What the hell is going on here?" Sutter asks. Even though his voice sounds deeper and more masculine now, I know it's him in my bones. I think my body and heart will always know when he's around.

"What the fuck is your problem man?" Denny answers back, and shoves Sutter roughly on the chest.

I see my manager looking at us all from behind the bar, and I step in front of Denny to do my best to distinguish this before it gets any more heated. "Why don't we all just take a step back and maybe try to talk about this somewhere else at another time?"

"How about outside, right now?" Denny says, like this is some 90s romcom movie.

"No, outside is definitely not-" But I don't get to even finish telling them that's a terrible idea because Sutter has turned around and stalked off outside, clearly agreeing to the idea.

So of course Denny follows, which means I have to go too incase they try to start killing each other again.

Jesse walks up beside me to go outside as well. "What the hell were you thinking bringing Sutter around Denny and I when we're together?" I question him.

"I didn't know it was going to lead to this! I just thought..well I really don't know what I thought. But I didn't know it was going to resort to this. I swear."

"Yes, clearly you weren't thinking. You better hope nothing bad comes out of this or it's all on you."

He rolls his eyes dramatically. "Don't worry, I'm not going to let the assholes kill each other."

We finally stop walking when Sutter directs us to the side of the building where all the trash dumps and things are for the restaurants on this block.

He wastes no time, stopping and turning dead in front of Denny. "So does anyone wanna tell me what the hell is going on now that we don't have an audience?"

"No one has to tell or explain shit to you. You lost the right to ask that when you walked out of here 2 and half years ago and never bothered to look back." I haven't seen Denny this mad in a long time.

"I never physically came back until now, but don't act like I didn't talk to you guys every couple of months or so. And every time we talked, you just so happened to leave out the fact that you're with my girl? That must have just slipped your mind so easy, huh?"

"She's not your girl anymore if you can't tell, she's mine." Denny has a vein in his forehead that's bulging because of his anger.

"You talked to Sutter and you didn't tell me?" I accuse him, knowing it's true. Sutter wouldn't have said that in front of all of us unless it was definitely true.

The sting of betrayal washes through me again, because I realize no one is ever completely on my side like they say they are.

No one but myself.

"Babe, I would have told you if I thought it was going to help anything. But you finally started to make progress and I didn't want you to start back tracking by bringing up your past." Denny tries to explain, but no words are helping me feel better right now.

"And her progress was what Denny, her moving on to you? How long did you wait until I was gone before you finally made your move on her?"

"The next day." Denny snidely remarks, smirking in Sutter's face.

The next thing I know, Sutter is moving forward, and punches Denny square in the nose. Blood bursts out of Denny's nose so violently I swear I can hear the thick liquid shooting out.

      I shriek loudly and start to run forward, going for who, I'm not sure. But Jesse grabs my arm and yanks me backwards, and rushes forward himself. He steps in front of Denny, who has recovered from the hit and had started stalking toward Sutter. I move to stand in front of Sutter, because he looks like he's ready to hit Denny again, his fists are clenching and unclenching at his sides.

       I place my hands on either side of his chest and start pushing him backwards, and Jesse is moving Denny in the opposite direction as well, trying to get as much space between them as possible.

      I can hear Denny yelling something, but all I can concentrate on is the feel of my hands on his chest. This is the first time I've touched him in almost three years, and I never expected it to be in a situation like this. He's looking down at me, and it's then that I realize how close to each other we've gotten.

      I drop my hands and take a couple steps back. "What are you doing here?"

     He takes a deep breath. "I messed up. I'm trying to come back to fix all my wrongs, to make things right again."

     I hope he's not talking about me, because it's too late for that. "Make things right with who?"

     "With you, with my friends, and with myself. I never should have left the way I did, it did nothing but make things worse." He admits, looking down.

     "It's too late for you to make things right with me, but I hope it works out with you and the other people." I back away and start walking to go back inside to finish my shift.

     "You don't mean that." Sutter says, and I stop in my tracks.

    "You're telling me what I do and don't mean now?"

    "I know you Lilly, just like you know me. Just like you knew I would always come back. Please let me try to make things right, and get them back to the way they were always supposed to be."

    I scoff at his words. "Things are exactly the way they were supposed to be. And you don't know me, and I don't know you, not anymore. I'm starting to think I never did."

     "You've known me since I was five years old, how could you ever say that?" His voice is full of hurt, and I revel in it. I want him to hurt the way I do every single day.

      "Because the Sutter I thought I knew, never would have left me or said those thing he said to me." I turn around start walking off again for the second time.

     "And the Sutter you also knew had never lost a child!" He screams so loudly it makes me freeze and look back at him. "I mean Jesus Christ Lilly, I was fucking torn apart! I didn't know how to handle anything that was going on inside of me!" The grief stricken look on his face almost makes me feel bad.

    Almost.

    "And I did?" I yell back just as loudly. "I had no more of an idea how to handle things than you did! But never once did the thought of leaving you cross my mind! You were a coward, and that was your fault. Now you have to suffer those consequences."

     "So those consequences are going to be seeing you with my old best friend?"

     "He was here, you weren't." I say that like it explains everything, even though that's not true. Denny tried to get with me a long time before I finally broke down for the loneliness and let it happen.

     "So I guess if Nadine is here, and you aren't, I should just hook up with her instead, huh?" He's trying to bait me to see what he's saying, or understand how he feels. But that's just not gonna work. And even though the thought of him and Nadine together makes me absolutely sick, I keep my face and stare blank.

     "If that's what you wanted. Besides, it wouldn't be the worst thing you had ever done."

     "Lilly, please. I know I messed up, and I'm here and willing to apologize and talk about all of that. I never should have left you and I never should have tried to leave this town, because it's the only place that's home to me. Because it has you in it. I was a stupid, young teenager who made a terrible decision. But please don't hold that over me forever." His words are so sincere that I feel the brick wall I've built inside my chest start to crumble. But I can't let that happen, or all the other emotions I've blocked off will start coming through too.

     And I'm not sure I could handle another tsunami like that. A damaged and broken heart can only be stunned so many times until it just doesn't work anymore.

      "I believe that you're sorry, but that doesn't change anything. You should go back to where ever you ran off to, you don't have a home here anymore."

     "As long as you're here, this will always be my home. I told you that the day that I left, you are my home. I meant it. Any of the other stupid and mean shit that I said, wasn't true, but that was, it always will be. It doesn't matter how long I was gone, or that I didn't talk to you and get to hear your voice. You will always be my home and I will always love you. You are engraved in me, and you're never coming out."

     "Sutter please, stop." My voice cracks and I close my eyes against the pain that's now taking root inside of me. Pain, and something else like relief. 

     Relief to know I'm not the only one who loved and felt this way the whole time he was gone too.

     He takes a few cautious steps towards me, but then keeps going when he sees that I'm not backing away. He slowly lifts his hands to my cheeks, and when his skin touches mine, both or heart beats pick up. I know his is, because it's always been in sync with mine.

     "Just give me one chance, one chance to show you that I can be the guy for you that I should've been years ago. I can make all that bad shit go away, and I can make things good for you again. For us. You know we belong together baby." He starts to lean his mouth down to mine, and I'm not stopping him.

     Because this is what I crave for. No drug, alcohol, or other boy has ever gave me the same high or happiness that Sutter's body and words can give me.

      "Lilly!" Denny shouts, and breaks me out of this trance. I back away from him so fast, like I'm doused in gasoline and he's the fire.

     I was going to let him kiss me, and put me right back in the position I was in before when he first left me. But I won't let him. I'm going to be stronger this time.

     Which means I have to get away from him, because anytime I'm near him, all my sanity and self preservation goes out the window.

      Denny hastily walks over to where we are, and yanks on my arm to get me away from Sutter.

    But Sutter's not having that. He rushes forward and blocks Denny's path, leaning around him and prying Denny's rough fingers from my forearm.

     "I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but if I ever see you grab her like that again, I'll lay your ass out." Sutter and Denny are nose to nose and I'm trying to decide if I should intervene and looking for Jesse at the same time. Why the hell did he let Denny over here again.

     "I know exactly who I am, and that's her boyfriend. And if I don't want her around you or any situation, it's completely warranted for me to make her leave. Being around you is only going to hurt her, and since no one else around here likes to look out for her well being, I'll do it all by myself. You lost that opportunity when you walked away from her."

     I'm confused by Denny's words because the whole time we've been a couple, he really hasn't cared what I've done. And he wasn't looking out for my well being when he helped me score alcohol and drugs.

     "Are you the one who left those marks on her face?" Sutter asks, with pure malice in his voice.

      Denny's eyebrows furrow in confusion, not understanding what Sutter is talking about. He turns around and starts scanning my face for the marks, his eyes widening when he finally sees them. "Babe, what the hell happened? You didn't have these when I dropped you off last night." He steps in my direction and lifts his hand up like he's going to caress my face.

I lean my head away so he can't touch me. I don't need anyone's pity for what my dad does to me. "Nothing. Let's fucking go. I'm done with this whole situation." But I don't give him a chance to respond, before I'm walking away from both of them and back inside the restaurant.

I walk inside and ignore all the stares and all the whispers, making my way into the ladies room. I lock the door behind me and then sink down on the floor and try to calm my breathing and wrap my mind around the fact that Sutter is really here.

And that he still loves me.