Chapter 8

A/N ummm hello daddy up above!! He is 100% perf, and who I like to picture as Sutter, maybe just younger version of him. I also have a question!! What are yall's favorite books to read that aren't on Wattpad? Song for this chapter is "Happier" By Ed Sheeran. Hope y'all enjoy! (:

Lilly's POV When my mind starts to wake up, all I can register is the pain that is beating against my temples. I don't want to open my eyes because I know the sunlight will only make things worse. I really need to invest in some blackout curtains, it would definitely make my hangover mornings much easier. Oh well, got to get it over with some time anyway.

I squint my left eye open first, and see nothing but blue. My bedroom ceiling isn't blue? I open up my other eye and realize that I'm actually not inside my bedroom, but outside. I turn my head quickly to the left, and see the gravestone too my little girl, and instantly relax, realizing I must've just passed out out here. Which unfortunately isn't something that I'm not accustomed to. I sit up all the way, because I feel something poking me in the back, like a rock or stick.

When I twist my body around to see what I'm laying on, I nearly have a heart attack when I see a male body that was laying next to me, facing the opposite way. I scream loudly and instantly start scooting away.

The stranger shoots up quickly, and screams too, obviously startled by me. Well at least they're not dead.

But then I see the face of the person and instantly take that back. "Sutter, what the fuck are you doing here?"

"What does it look like? Obviously I was babysitting you." The tone of his voice makes it obvious that he's annoyed with me, and that pisses me off further because what right does he have to be mad at me?

"What do you mean you're babysitting me? I came here last night on my own." I try to sort through my memories of last night, but I'm coming up blank after I laid down next to her stone and was running my hand across of it.

"Yeah, I know you did. I came here last night to visit..her. I ended up seeing your empty wine bottles and shoes. I found you passed out floating in the pond."

Well I take it that's why he's upset with me. "I got in the pond, really?" I ask in disbelief, but when I smell my shirt there's no denying I smell like gross water and a tad like fish.

    When Sutter first left, I used to do this all the time. But it had been a while since I'd gone into the pond as drunk as I was last night.

"Yes, really. Nearly gave me a heart attack too because I thought you were dead. You were so drunk it took you a minute to even realize I was shaking you to wake you up."

He sounds like he's trying to guilt me with his words, but what he doesn't know is that I've heard it all from Nadine, and that shit just doesn't work on me anymore. I refuse to let people make me feel bad about the way I've chose to survive. I know exactly what I'm doing to my body every time I drink that much alcohol, I just don't care.

"I always was a hard sleeper." I say as an explanation, not that I owe him one. But I guess I should be somewhat thankful he saved me from drowning.

But I can't lie and say it would have bothered me even if I had.

"You weren't sleeping Lilly, you were passed out unconscious. Anything could have happened to you, don't you care about that?" He asks me in a way that sounds like there's no way I can't care about something like that.

"No, I don't care at all." My voice is empty. And I don't bother waiting for a response before I stand up and start grabbing all of my stuff and putting my shoes on.

"What happened to make you this way?" He whispers, and his voice is so broken it makes me stop for a minute. But the more I think about his question, the madder it makes me.

"What, you weren't there that night? Do you need a recap?" Venom spews from my words and I hope they cut him.

"No, I know that happened, it happened to me too. But everyone gets better over time, and you've just got worse." He says the words and flinches, like he doesn't want me to take offense to them.

I throw my bag at him as hard as I can, my whole body shaking with anger. "What the hell did you expect to happen to me after you left me! I not only had to mourn the loss of my baby, but I had to mourn the loss over you, Jo who was like a sister to me, and your mom who showed me more love and affection then mine ever will. I didn't just lose one person, I lost my whole family!"

He throws his hands up defensively. "Okay, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry. I guess I just never thought of it that way. I just assumed your friends would be here for you, and that your parents would finally step up and be the people they should've been a long time ago."

"You know my parents Sutter, not even a dead grandchild is a wake up call to them." My body sags back down to the grass because I'm just so exhausted.

Exhausted from fighting, with trying to fake a smile everyday, and just exhausted from living. "You know sometimes I think it would be better if I just wasn't here. That way I wouldn't be able to disappoint anyone anymore, and I wouldn't have to constantly hear about how I'm never good enough. Next time if you ever find me facedown in water, promise you'll just leave me there."

I hear his intake of breath, but don't bother looking up. I'm too vulnerable right now to see his face. I feel like if someone was to lift up my shirt right now, they would see my bleeding heart gouging out of my chest. With all its jagged and broken parts.

"Please tell me you don't mean that, Lilly." His voice cracks at the end and I have no choice but to look up when I hear that. He has tears streaming down his face.

Tears he's crying for me.

"I'll do anything Lilly, anything. Tell me what you want and I'll make it happen. Tell me what you need to hear and I'll scream it. I will go to the ends of the earth if it means making things better for you." His voice has so much conviction and sincerity in it, that I know he means them. But it doesn't change anything.

"It's too late for me Sutter. There is no coming back from the place I'm in." I want to tell him that he helped to bring me here, but I just don't have it in me to be mean to him when he's looking at me like that.

I guess some things will never change.

"It's never too late to change things, not until we're not here anymore. And we are both here and I'm begging you to let me make them better for you. Just give me something to go off of, something I can work on."

"I don't have anything else to give, Sutter. I am broken, and I am nothing. I'm an empty shell who is just here everyday. I have no meaning and no purpose. There is literally no reason for me to be here."

I break down on my last words, and hunch over to hold myself together as I start to fall apart. It's not even a second later before I feel two long arms wrapping around me and pulling me into their chest.

And I know it's helping nothing, but I let myself fall into him, and bask in the feeling that maybe someone does still care about me. I let his smell and the warmth of his body bleed into me, and I soak it all up. Because I know I can never let this happen again. Being close to Sutter only softens me, and melts away the barriers I have over my chest. I haven't felt this much raw emotion in over a year, and just in the two days that he's been back, he's come in with a sledgehammer and knocked them all to pieces.

He pulls my face into his hands and moves my face directly in front of his. He looks me in the eye and he never breaks contact. "You are not nothing, you are everything. And you do have a purpose or else you wouldn't still be here. There is a reason you are on this earth. You can be and do anything you set your mind to. You are the most strong willed and smartest person I know. I'm positive on this earth that there is nothing that could ever take that away."

But didn't he know that he took it away? That he packed it up in his boxes and moving truck that he rode away in? If there was ever going to be anyone who could change the person I was, it was definitely him. And he did.

But did that mean he could bring me back?

"I don't want to talk about it anymore." I tell him, and move my face out of his grasp.

"Fine, we can talk about that later. But can I ask some questions?"

I lean back on my hands, distancing myself from him a little. "What do you want to know?"

"Just a couple of things. It's a short list."

"A list?" I exclaim.

He shrugs his shoulders. "I've been away for awhile, I have a lot of blanks I need filled in."

I almost remark that if he had never left, there would be nothing he wouldn't know. ButI keep it to myself. "Well you can ask whatever you want, but I'm not promising to answer them all."

"Fair enough, alright, my first question is who gave you those marks on your face."

"Next question." I say, not anywhere close to ready to dive into that conversation. That's a secret I plan to take to my grave.

    "That's the one I'm most concerned about Lilly. If someone is hurting you, you need to tell someone so that something can be done to help you. To make it stop."

    "And what, you're going to be that someone? Don't worry about the shit on my face, it was a one time thing and won't happen again, I can take care of myself."            "Yeah, it really looks like you can take care of yourself with a busted lip and bruised cheek."

    I can tell he's not going to drop it, so I have to say something to make him talk about something else. "Either ask me a different question, or I'm leaving now." Truth be told I'm not even sure why I'm still sitting here anyway, all I know is i'm not ready to go yet.

    "Okay, fine, we'll come back to that. How did you and Denny end up together?" I can hear the strain in his voice already. "Last night you told me you only have sex with him when you're drunk, is that true?"

    Panic prickles my scalp. "I told you that? What else did I tell you?"

    "That was really the only thing you told me that I didn't already know or assume." He leans in closer to me. "Why, what else are you keeping from me?"

    I regard him silently, thinking of how I'm going to respond. "Stop asking questions you don't want wanna know the answers to, because we both know you don't actually wanna hear about my sex life."

    "Actually I'm very interested to hear about that." His eyes are hard.

    "Why? Why does it matter? It's not like you didn't hook up with other girls while you were away." The thought of him with someone else causes the nausea to rise up again in the pit of my stomach.

    "I didn't actually." He answers, looking down.

    "Bullshit."

    He looks at me and then points to her headstone. "I swear on her that I never touched another girl the way I've touched you. I kissed a couple here and there, but it never went any further than that."

    I'm stunned at his words, but I know he wouldn't swear on her unless he meant it. He may have treated me like shit when he left, but I know how much he loved our girl. How much we both loved her.

    "Why? I mean you're a guy, you have wants and needs."

    "Yeah, I do. But its not like fucking some random girl at a party is ever really going to satisfy them." He looks at me with longing in his eyes, and something else like lust. "I've been starving in that department ever since I left here a couple of years ago."

    My heart rate picks up and want pools in my stomach, because I know exactly how he feels. But I'll never admit that out loud. "Well you were being properly fed before you left, so I cant say I feel too sorry for you."

    Did I mention I'm doing cartwheels on the inside knowing he wasn't with anyone else? God, I fucking suck, I hate myself even more now.

    "You're right, I was. I'm a fucking idiot for ever leaving you and thinking it would be better for both of us. I had to go to therapy to cope with the shit we went through, but talking to someone everyday and even the antidepressants, none of that could take away the sting of you not being there." His words make that feeling inside me start to come alive again, but this time I'm not so quick to squash it.

    "I could have been there if you would have let me be. I begged you not to leave me, and no matter what I said it wasn't good enough for you." I am not going to cry. Absolutely not.

    Sutter shakes his head silently, and faraway look on his face. "It wasn't that what you were saying wasn't enough, it was just that my mind was already made up. I already had my mind and heart set on the fact that I would never be good enough for you again, because what we went through really made me feel like it was my fault. Our fault. I don't even know, there was so much shit going on inside of me and I couldn't even process it. Anger, sadness, guilt, bitterness, loneliness, just pure fucking emptiness besides all these dark ass feelings that just take a hold of you, and you can feel that they never want to let you go. They never want you to smile or be happy again, to live your life again. I was convinced I would never be okay again, and I didn't want to take you down with me." He is out of breath by the words he just said to me, passion filling every syllable. And I know exactly what he's talking about, because I had the same war fighting inside of me as well.

    "I understand that better than anyone, Sutter. The shit we went through isn't something anyone should ever feel or understand. Children should never die before their parents.." I trail off to steady my voice, the threat of tears is very strong right now. This isn't something I talk about with anyone, but for some reason it feels good to talk about it with him. "But even with all the shit that was going on with me, the thought of leaving you or being without you never even crossed my mind. I guess I was so used to always having you there with me, I never even fathomed you leaving."

    "I know, and I'm sorry I handled things the way I did. People just cope differently with things, and you did a lot better with it than I did. You always have been the strongest person I know."

    He didn't even know half the things I had done in his absence, and I wasn't going to fill them in for him, but I wasn't going to lie to him either. "No, I didn't do any better than you did. We just both caused ourselves destruction in different ways."

    He's quiet for a while, and I wonder if he's done with our conversation. "And Denny, was he part of your destruction?"

    I scoff at him. "Denny is probably the least destructive thing I've done to myself since you've been gone."

    "I wouldn't call him not destructive. Only having sex with someone when you're drunk isn't exactly healthy."

    "Since when is consensual sex not healthy?"

    "Since you don't trust him. You may be willing, but the fact that you can only have sex with him when you don't have a clear head, really says a lot about the dynamic of the relationship."

    "I wouldn't even call it a relationship, Sutter. The most emotion he's really shown me was what you just saw in the diner the other day when you showed up. Neither one of us has ever really cared what the other did, we were just there for a good lay when we needed it."

    "Dear God, please stop talking. You're right, I'm not ready to hear this." He covers his ears with his hands and he winces. I cant help but laugh at his theatrics, even though I know he is completely serious.

    "Oh hush, would it make it better if I told you I was in love with him?"

    He shakes his head at first. "No, I guess not. But at the same time maybe it would, because then it wouldn't seem like you were doing more emotional damage to yourself."

    I roll my eyes. "I'm not damaging myself by fucking Denny."

    "Ugh! Please, if you value my sanity, please stop saying that. It's bad enough that it actually happens, but having to hear the words come out of your mouth, like you enjoy it, make it so much worse." He starts rubbing his hands through his hair frantically.

    "Not to be a Bitch or to keep beating a dead horse, but you're the one who left! What right do you have to be upset that I had sex with someone else? You left me. Did you really think I was just going to be sitting around day in and out for you to show up one day?" I'm getting mad again, which is good. It pushes away the feelings I was starting to let through for him.

    "You don't get it, I'm not upset with you, I'm upset with him. He knew what the hell you meant to me, but he just had to have you anyway. I talked to that motherfucker on the phone numerous times while I was gone, and never once did he mention that you were with each other. He played like everything was nice between us, when in reality he's fucking the only girl who will ever mean fucking everything to me." He stands up and starts pacing back and forth in the little grassy area we're sitting in. "I mean really, think about it. If you were the one who left me, and Nadine knew you still loved me but were just trying to figure out how to cope with life, and you come back to find out she basically seduced me and used me, and then didn't want you to see me, you're telling me you wouldn't be the slightest bit upset or pissed off?"

    I don't think I've ever heard Sutter rant like this before. "I get what you're saying, but that was a bad example."

    "Why is it bad? Nadine is literally to you what Denny was to me. They are the exact same situations." He sits back down in front of me.

    "Next question." I mutter.

    "What, why? Are you and Nadine not-"

    "I said next question." I snap at him, not ready to discuss that situation either. I'm still coming to terms with that as well.

    Sutter watches my face for a minute, looking for clues to what's going on I'm sure, but I do my best to keep my expression emotionless. "Okay, fine."

    "Can I ask you a question, actually?" I cut in quickly, before he can go first.

    "Sure, but I get to go after you." He smiles slightly, like we're playing some game, and I guess we are. I fight hard, and win on not letting my smile slip through too. Even though I really want to.

    "Okay, whatever. My question is; why did you keep in contact with other people but never with me?" I try to mask the betrayal in my voice, but its so thick that I'm sure some slips through anyway.

    "That's easy. I didn't contact you because the second I did, I knew I was going to be on my way back here to you. And after I started to realize that I could get better again, I didn't want to risk coming back before I was ready. And by ready, I mean ready to be the best man and partner to you that I ever could be. Even better than before. I knew when I came back, it was going to be for good, and I was going to be good for you again. When I talked to other people, the only thing I ever wanted to ask them about was you, but I knew I couldn't. I needed to be everything I was meant to be first."

    His answers leaves me speechless, because thats not what I was expecting. And I have no mean retort to send back to him, because I understand what he's saying, even if I wish I didn't.

    "Is that a good enough answer for you?" He asks softly, clearly seeing the affect he had on me. All I can do is nod in response.

    "Good, now my next question is; will there ever be another chance for me and you to be together again?" He started off confident, but by the end of his question I can tell he's nervous about what my answer will be.

    But how does one even respond to that? If you had asked me that two days ago, I would have told you there was a better chance of a blizzard in hell. But today? Today, I have no idea. He's revealed more to me than I ever thought he would know, and explained things to me that kept me up some nights. He still messed up, and he still broke my heart. But I'm starting to see why he made the decision he made, even if it was the wrong one.

    "Next question." Is all I say instead, because I never promised to give a solid answer.

    He looks away, but I notice his cheeks picking up from a smile he has on his face. "Nope, I think I'm done for now."

    "And why's that?" I ask.

    "Because you gave me a better response than what I deserve."

    Again, I have no answer for him. So instead, I stand up, put my backpack on, and pick my bike up off the ground. This was enough emotional stimulation for me for one day, and I need some space now. But right before I throw my leg over my bike, he speaks up again.

    "So does this mean we can start talking to each other again?" He asks.

    "I thought you were done asking questions."

    "Figured I'd try to throw one by you quick and catch you off guard." He says, smiling at me.

    "Don't push your luck, Mayfield." And then I take off on my bike before I can do something stupid.

    Like smile back at him.