Chapter 47

Well it went better than I thought it would go. Everyone apologised for not telling me about Conor, and now they’re all offering me alcohol. Can’t complain really...

I think I’ve decided that I will go to Portsmouth. Eleanor persuaded me into it, and so did everyone else. I don’t want to let Conor ruin my weekend and he probably won’t even go. I want him to though, just so I can show him that I’ve moved on.

I definitely haven’t moved on but I just want him to think that for now so he knows that he can’t just walk all over me, just like Eleanor was saying. I’m glad he’s not at the park with us now. Although, I kind of wish he was because I’ve not got a clue where he is now. I’m just praying he’s not with Claire.

“Lucy, are you staying for one more?” Jack asks, handing me a can of beer.

“Only one” I laugh and take it off him. “You’re pissed at like, four in the afternoon”

“Yolo” he shrugs.

“You’ll regret saying that when you’re sober”

“Never regret anything because at one time, it was exactly what you wanted” he says, tapping his finger on my shoulder.

“Fuck, you’re out of it” I shake my head. “Where’s Eleanor?”

“Not too sure” he laughs. “Lucyyyyyy”

“What do you want?”

“Nothing. Just, Conor’s really upset about everything and he says he’s really really sorry. He loves youuuu Lucy” he laughs before collapsing on me. I use all my strength to hold him up but I’m getting distracted by what he just said.

“Is he alright?” Ben runs over to me and takes him off me.

“Probably” I shrug. Ben and I still aren’t on the right side of each other. Same with me and Leila. He lays Jack down on the floor and sighs.

“Leila and I aren’t dating” he sighs, sitting next to Jack.

“What do you mean?” I sit down opposite him, Jack lying in the middle of us. I connect my hand with Jacks and trace circles on it with my thumb.

“We sort of just, do stuff but don’t make anything out of it” he shrugs. What? I’m so confused. He must notice because he starts laughing. “Like a friends with benefits thing”

“Oh right” I gasp.

“I didn’t think you liked me” he looks at the floor and picks at the grass.

“Either did I”

“I know you don’t like me, I just wanted to know what you’d say” he forces out a laugh.

“I do but not a lot” I lie. He’s hot and kind, yes, but I’ll never feel the same way with him as I do with Conor. But Conor’s not around anymore so I guess I could try to like him. “I want to” I sigh.

“Really?”

“Yeah. You’re good looking and really nice, what's not to like?” I shrug and he laughs.

“Well, why don’t we try? I’ve never stopped liking you” he lowers his head and I smirk.

“I guess we can try” I look up at him and he smiles. "But what about Leila?"

"We're done with that" he shrugs. "It was just a phase I guess"

"Oh" I nod.

“Come here” he opens his arms and I lean over Jack to hug him. “I’m sorry” he says into my hair and I just nod. We pull away and I look around the park at everyone in their own conversation. Leila and I make eye contact but then I look away.

“I think I’ll go talk to Leila. Are you alright here for a bit?”

“Yeah sure” he nods and I just smile before awkwardly walking over to Leila. Olivia walks away from us to leave us on our own. Leila looks like she’s just about to say something but I interrupt her.

“Ben told me about you two" I start the conversation.

I do feel really bad for snapping at her like that but I need to remember that she knew about my boyfriend cheating on me, and didn't even tell me about her and Ben. I mean, she didn't have to tell me about her and Ben because it's none of my buisness what they do really, it's just annoyed me that I made a fool out of myself in front of Ben when he was already with another girl. I thought I could go back to Ben and he'd welcome me with open arms, but he found someone else and I guess I just got angry. It's kind of selfish of me really...

“I thought he did" she nods. "I’m so sorry for being a bitch about everything” she sighs.

"It's fine. I'm sorry for snapping at you yesterday" I mutter.

"You had a pretty good reason for it, Lucy. I'd snap at me if I was you" she giggles and I just smile. "I should've told you about Conor though so I'm really sorry. I feel so stupid"

"It's fine, honestly. It wasn't just you and I understand that you're Conor's friend too. I can't expect you to just be that open about what he did" I smile.

"But what he did was wrong. I should've told you straight away and I honestly don't know why I didn't. I was in a tough situation" she shrugs and I just nod understandingly. "And as for Ben, I know you two had a thing before you and Conor but I didn't know that you'd feel this way about us two"

"I don't know why I did either to be honest, but it really doesn't matter" I assure her. I'm not too fussed about them two. I'm kind of happy that Ben and I are giving things a go but I also feel like I'm just using him to get me on the right track of things. I just want to learn to love him like I love Conor so I don't have any complications in my life.

"No, I should've told you what was going on but we didn't really want to tell anybody because people would think all sorts. I'd look like a right slut" she frowns and I start laughing.

"Do what you got to do" I shrug. She starts laughing and pulls me in for a tight hug. She pulls away and smiles.

“Jack’s passed out” I look over to Ben shaking Jack to wake up.

“I thought so! I was going to come over but that would’ve been awkward” she laughs and I just laugh along.

“I’m gonna go check on him, you coming?”

“Ok then” she smiles and we walk over to Ben.

“Shall we just carry him over to where we’re all stood?” I ask and Ben nods.

We manage to carry him over to everyone and he just lays there.

“Lucy, I need to tell you something” Leila sighs. She has a hesitant look on her face but looks like she really needs to tell me something.

“Okay...” I frown.

“I was talking to Conor earlier” she says and I instantly sigh. “He loves you Lucy and I know he’s sorry-“

“No, if he was sorry, he’d call me or something-“

“He called you like, eleven times”

“I know but, he’s not come here or anything. You can’t just expect me to forgive him because he says he loves me and he’s called me a few times. I don’t want anything to do with him anymore” I start to get angry.

“No I’m not saying that! I’m sure he has a reason for cheating on you”

“Yeah, he got bored of me, he cheated on me. You don’t cheat on someone you love. He never fucking loved me”

“We both know that’s not true. I’ve never seen Conor as crazy about someone in my life” she laughs and I try to hold back my smile. “I’ve known him for so long Lucy and I know he’ll beat himself up for this till the day he dies. Claire’s a slut so I definitely blame her for all this”

“Who even is she?”

“I don’t know. She definitely doesn’t live round here but I think Conor met her at the club or something. She’s probably only here while she’s on break” she says and I just nod.

-

I get home at 6pm with a McDonalds take away in my hand. We need to get sober before 9pm when my parents get back.

“Water makes you sober right?” I ask El.

“I-I think so” she slurs.

“Just eat your food and we should be fine”

We start to eat our take away while drinking glasses of water. If my Dad catches me like this, I’m dead.

“Beat you” Eleanor laughs when she puts her final chip in her mouth.

“Let’s see who can get sober first then” I say sarcastically but she takes it deadly seriously and starts refilling her pint glass with water. I’m technically already sober, my head’s just spinning a little bit but I’m kind of there. “It’s Halloween in two days”

“Oh my God, we need to go out!” she gasps and I just laugh. She won’t remember any of this conversation tomorrow. The doorbell rings interrupting our chat.

“I’ll get it” I state the obvious. I don’t even get to fully open the door before he comes barging in. “What the fuck? Get out!” I shout.

“Lucy, please just listen to me” he begs me. His eyes are red and puffy and his cheeks are a light shade of red. He’s a mess.

“Why? I already know what you’re going to say” I push him away from me and he gives me a confused look.

My heart is racing and I'm so shocked that he's actually come over. In a weird way, I'm happy that he's here because it proves that he actually wants to make effore with me. But I'm angry at him for barging in like that in this state.

“What am I going to say?”

“You’re going to say how sorry you are for cheating on me, then you’re going to blame everything on the slut you did it with and then you’ll try to kiss me and I’ll obviously fall for it because I’m a gullible little shit that sadly believes everything that comes out of your fucking mouth. Now get out!” I scream. Conor just stands there with his eyes wide and his mouth slightly parted.

“I-I wasn’t going to say that, I can’t believe-“

“Why are you still here?” I snap.

“Lucy, please don’t” Conor cries.

“No wait, I want to ask you something” I say and he nods, taking a step closer to me and connecting our hands. I pull away and take a step back. “How long was it going on for?”

“Only about a day”

“Ok, now tell me the truth”

“Well, a week at the most” he says casually and I gasp.

“A FUCKING WEEK!? So while we were in London and you was staying at my house, you was fucking her behind my back!?” I scream.

“No! Fuck no! I met her a while back in a club but then I started texting her about a week ago and I never fucked her. We did everything but that, and we only did it like, three times”

“I don’t even want to hear anymore Conor. I hate you! Get the fuck out of my house” I point towards the door and a tear rolls down my cheek. He wipes my cheek but I slap his hand out of the way.

He's been cheating on me for about a week and I haven't even noticed. The fact he's even touched her makes my blood boil and the fact he's 'only done it three times'. Three fucking times without me noticing. I hate him.

“I’m so sorry” he cries.

"You don't fucking love me. I'd never do something like this to you" I cry and his face drops.

"Lucy, I feel so bad. I never meant for it to go this far"

“Just go” I watch him hesitantly walk out of my door and slam it right behind him. I walk into the kitchen and see Eleanor with her jaw on the floor.

“Woah” she says, taking a sip of her drink. “Are you ok?”

“Yep” I lie.

-

(Halloween)

“Right, I made plans with Leila and we’re meeting them at her house in two hours” I tell Eleanor.

“Ok” she smiles.

We’re going to the nightclub tonight with the whole group because it’s Halloween. We all went shopping yesterday for our costumes to make sure we didn’t clash but I think mine is best...

I’m wearing a skeleton costume with cat ears ((picture at the side)). A bit random but it works. I’m wearing my black disco pants with my white converse because I cannot be bothered walking around in heels all night. I’m also wearing a black blazer over my costume because I’ll freeze without it. I have black contact lenses in and I’ve sprayed my hair a few different colours.

I think everyone’s coming to the club except Conor. Even if he does, I refuse to make any form of contact with him, even eye contact. He's not ruining this night.

“Are you ready yet?” I ask El.

“Give me two minutes” she runs back into the bathroom and applies more lipstick.

“Jesus Christ, who are you trying to impress tonight? You never take this long” I moan.

“I’m just putting in effort!”

“Are you done yet?”

“Yes”

“Finally!” I cheer and stand up from the bed. “Wait, we need pictures!” I gasp.

“Get your Mum to take them”

We spend another 5 minutes or so taking pictures until we finally decide to go out. We told my parents that someone was having a house party. I think even my Mum would go mad if she found out I was going to a club. She went mad last time I told her.

We get to Leila’s house and her Mum drives me, Eleanor, Lois, Liv and Char to the club. Everyone looks so good! We get in easily because Leila knows people who work at the club. I don't think they know that we drink in there. They must have an idea but turn a blind eye to it.

After a few drinks, we all kind of split up, mainly because we lost each other. I’m walking around on my own trying to find someone when I bump into Jack.

“Oh my God, hi!” I laugh.

“Hey”

“When did you get here?”

“We’ve been here for about two hours Lucy” he laughs. “Are you drunk?”

“I’m not sure”

“Come on” he holds my hand and takes me to the dance floor. “Do you want some?” he offers me his drink.

“What is it?” I ask and he just shrugs. I take a sip and scrunch up my nose before handing it him back. It tastes disgusting. Jack starts laughing.

“I knew you wouldn’t like it” he laughs.

“Where’s Conor?”

“He’s here somewhere, he came here with me and Alex”

“Oh right” I simply say. I wish I never asked. Knowing he’s in the same room as me makes my blood boil. “I’m getting another drink” I shout to Jack over the blasting music and he just nods.

I walk over to the bar and take a seat at one of the stools. The waitress takes my order and I sit and wait for my drink to come, while looking around the club trying to find someone I know.

“You’re Lucy right?” some girl asks me. I’ve never seen her in my life.

“Sorry, do I know you?”

“It’s Claire” she laughs.

“Fuck, everyone was right when they said you were a slut” I gasp.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re a slut” I say louder and smile. She’s fucking lucky I’m not ripping her hair out. Seriously though, why did Conor choose to cheat on me with that? Her make-up is practically dripping down her face and her dress just covers her body. Why is she even talking to me?

“Well Conor likes it” she shrugs and takes a sip of her drink.

“What the fuck?”

“Conor likes it” she repeats, saying it louder than she already did.

“You’re seriously fucked up” I stand from my chair and grab my drink form the bar.

“Yeah, by Conor” she laughs. That’s it. I slap her hard across her face before pouring my whole drink over her.

“Fucking bitch” I scream before someone starts pushing me away from her. I want to laugh at her make-up dribbling even further down her face but I need to be serious right now. My head’s spinning. I would never have done this if I was sober.

“Stop” Conor grabs my shoulders and pushes me slightly away from her.

“Oh yeah, you would stick up for her” I snap and push his hands away from me.

“No, I’m just stopping you from getting in trouble. What did she say?”

“She said you fucked her and you like her being a slut” I shout into his ear.

He turns around and looks her up and down. “Fucking asshole” he spits before holding my hand and pulling me outside.

Did he really just call her that? I fucking love him for saying it. I need to hate him though.

“Stay away from her” he tells me.

“I could say the same to you” I mumble.

“I will, don’t worry”

“I wouldn’t care if you were with her to be honest” I shrug and look away from him. It would actually kill me if he was with her again.

“So I’ll just go back in there and buy her a drink then yeah?” he starts to walk back inside the club.

“No! Wait!” I grab his arm and he turns around and starts laughing.

“I’m joking” he laughs.

“It wasn’t fucking funny. I’m going back inside, can you just leave me alone?”

“No”

“Why?” I sigh. I’m glad he said no. If he ever left me alone I would break.

“Because I love you”

“Is that why you slept with her behind my back?”

“I didn’t sleep with her” he sighs, running his fingers through his sprayed white hair. He’s wearing a ripped white shirt ((picture at the side)) with his usual black jeans and I can literally see everything through his top. How can someone look this good on Halloween? Focus Lucy.

“If I hadn’t have ruined your little moment the other night, I’m pretty sure you would’ve slept with her” I start to walk back inside but he grabs my arm.

“I swear I wouldn’t have gone that far. I would’ve stopped Luce, you know I would”

“Do I?”

“I hope you do” he shrugs but I just ignore him.

“If I ask you something, do you promise you’ll tell me the truth?”

“I swear on my life” he nods.

“Did you ever love me?”

“Fuck, of course I did. I still do! Don’t even question it”

“Then why did you choose Claire?” I ask. A tear rolls down my cheek but I quickly wipe it away. It physically hurts knowing that he chose her over me.

“Honestly Lucy, I don’t know. I’m messed up” he shrugs. “I was drunk when I met her and she gave me her number. I-I just couldn’t stop texting her and the whole time I knew how wrong it was but... I just couldn’t stop. I’m so fucking sorry” he pleads.

He takes a step closer to me and looks into my eyes. He rubs his thumb over my cheek a few times, making my knee’s go weak. I can barely hold myself up, staring into his sapphire eyes. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed him.

He holds my waist and looks into my eyes, then down to my lips. He starts to bit his lip and-

I can’t take it anymore. I grab his cheek and pull him down to me before I crash my lips onto him and he does the same. I appreciate this moment more because I haven’t had one in so long. I can never get over this boy, ever. But I know I can’t do this, not after what he’s done.

I want to forgive him right here, right now but I’m keeping the promise I made to El because I know she’s right.

‘Promise me that when he comes back, keep him on his toes. Don’t just let him think he can walk over you. Keep him waiting so he wants you more and trust me, he’ll learn from his mistakes’