Chapter 39 - Decisions

Chapter 39 - Decisions

A/N: Merry Christmas and Happy new Year to everyone! 🎉🎁

Perrie pov

The warm water spreading over my body allows me to relax, as thoughts of what happened just a few hours ago fall into place. I find a certain comfort in the water I never knew I needed, or perhaps, never needed before this.

It is as if drowning in the depths of darkness and then returning to the surface allows me to reborn. Strange? Yes, it probably is, but what's not strange about this story, right?

I look at Jade's glorious naked body lit only by the moon. Her breathing is regular as her hand moves into the empty space where I should be.

I hope she doesn't wake up

Jade is much more attentive to every detail now, almost as if she has a sixth sense, by now she only has to look into my eyes or listen to my body to know when something is wrong. Like last night.

I don't know exactly how to explain or what to think about what happened.

It was like making love to her for the first time. But it was also like remembering how it should be.

It was beautiful, sweet, caring and felt good, so why am I still scared? Why do I have so many doubts and feel like it was wrong?

Jade behaved so well with me, the problem is not her.

The problem is me

Why did I ask her to stop? What if she had expected more? What if I am no longer able to touch her in the right way? What if I try and she doesn't like me anymore?

It's as if every time I do-say-think-feel something, I doubt myself.

Anyway,

the problem isn't just performance anxiety, I know that. The problem is also that I don't know if I want to touch Jade, I'm honestly afraid of what it's like to touch her member after Alex and the others. I don't want to panic with her again, especially, I don't want to panic about her cock.

I don't want her to feel wrong somehow.

I'm afraid she'll hurt me, not because she's aggressive, I know she wouldn't be unless I was the one asking her to, but for over a year and a half all I felt was pain, and now it's like my mind is telling me I can't feel anything but agony.

And I don't want to delude her that something can really happen and then leave her high and dry, like last night.

I feel so selfish

I gave her a hope that we could do it and then I asked her to stop. And I gave her nothing. I can't even imagine how she felt.

"No, no!" I turn immediately at the sound, Jade is thrashing around in bed.

"Come back to me! Perrie!" Jade stands up and blinks, I can see now that a thick layer of sweat is covering her skin.

How long had she been having a nightmare?

"Oh my God, Jade, are you okay? I'm here, baby" I whisper to her in a worried voice as I get up to join her.

She looks at me and nods, "Don't worry, just stay there. It was just a nightmare" she reassures me.

I do as she says and go back to my seat not letting her out of my sight, she takes a couple of deep breaths and stands up, walking slowly and coming closer, she puts her hand in the water and looks at me. I see tears wet her face and I stroke her cheek to take them away.

"You... do you... feel dirty? Is it because of what we did? Is that why you're here?" she asks me punctuating each word by looking at the unmoving water.

I lift her chin and look at her intently, "No, baby. I don't feel dirty, I promise. I just needed to get my thoughts in order and the water helps me" I tell her in a voice imbued with honesty and reassurance.

She nods and I see the worry leave her eyes, "Why don't you come in?" I ask her with a smile.

She opens her eyes wide and looks at me uncertainly, "Are you sure?" she asks. I nod.

She smiles and stands up, she takes off her panties and lifts her leg to get in but I stop her, "No, get behind me" I tell her confidently, though my heart speeds up at my idea which is completely the opposite of everything I just thought.

"Pez, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable" she smiles at me.

"I know, don't worry, I'm sure"

She seems to think about it and then agrees, I step forward a little and she enters the tub sitting behind me, I step back and lean my back against her chest as she pulls me into a warm embrace and I admire the beautiful view of London lit only by the moon and a few street lamps.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" I ask her referring to the view.

"It is" she tells me with emotion in her voice, I turn slightly to look at her and I see that she is already staring at me, her eyes still watery.

"Do you want to tell me about the nightmare?"

Jade seems reluctant but my eyes convince her that I can handle whatever it is, so she tells me, "I... I dreamt that I was in the room in Liverpool and those people were hurting you but I couldn't stop them and... And you... kept asking me for help but I couldn't reach you"

Tears line her face again and I rush to wipe them away but to no avail, "That wasn't the first one, was it?" I ask her already knowing the answer.

She shakes her head, "No. Every time it's the same, sometimes... sometimes I manage to reach you but... it's too late" she murmurs and her voice cracks at the end.

"I'm sorry, love. You shouldn't have seen those pictures and you shouldn't imagine those things" I tell her feeling my eyes tingle and a lump in my throat.

"I'm the one who's sorry, Perrie. You should never have experienced those things" she tells me now crying.

"You're right. It shouldn't have happened. But I'm here now and I'm safe. Jade, I'll be fine. We will be fine" I reassure her confidently because that is what I believe.

She nods and pulls up with her nose before clearing her throat, "Sorry, I shouldn't be burdening you with this"

"Don't say that, we're in this together. I want you to share your fears and thoughts with me, not hold them back for fear of hurting me. You can never hurt me, love"

We remain silent for a while, Jade holding me close and we continue to admire the view beyond us. I hear her breathing deeply, a sign that she wants to tell me something but is afraid. "Tell me" I whisper.

She sighs, "How do you feel? To have me so close to you, I mean" Now it's my turn to sigh because the truth is, it's a good question.

"I don't feel it, if that's what you're asking" I murmur softly, hoping she won't be offended.

"Well, I... I'm trying not to make you feel it" she says with a slight giggle and much embarrassment.

"Jade! Are you hiding it?!" I tell her laughing.

"I was afraid it might scare you, so yeah. But being this close to you doesn't really help me" she tells me more and more embarrassed. I turn to see her face covered in red, almost as if tomato sauce had been thrown in her face.

"Okay... so, I still don't know how I feel. I'm not afraid of you, however, I don't know how I'll react when I see it in all its majesty" I say wryly but we both know it's the pure truth.

Silence falls and I feel the tension invade me.

What if I had just ruined everything?

"You didn't" I turn to her with wide eyes, "Yes, you did, you said it out loud. You didn't ruin everything. We have time, Pez. Don't worry" she reassures me, however my doubts remain and she knows it but we both decide that words are not needed now. In time, perhaps, things will return to normal.

We remain in silence enjoying the view of London and take advantage of the closeness to clear our minds and hearts.

Jade pov

It has been a couple of weeks since that night in the hotel. Perrie and I haven't spoken about what happened since, I feel more and more attracted to her, as if an invisible force is drawing me towards her body, however I will always wait for her to make the first step, I want her to know that we can wait as long as it takes and that she doesn't feel like she has to do something if she isn't ready yet.

I love her as I have never loved anyone else before and I know that there will never be anyone in the world I can love as much as her.

When I started ignoring and taking her for granted two years ago, I did not know that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. The truth is that I did not feel I was up to her standards, she is perfect, while I am just me. I was afraid to bring up my doubts and fears, I was afraid that she would think I was weak, that she would realise that choosing me was a mistake.

And so I took out my frustrations and insecurities on her even though she was not to blame. The fact is that even when I was terrible towards her I knew that my love for her was pure, it was as if I had created a barrier around my heart to prepare myself for the day she broke up with me, because deep down I knew that sooner or later she would realise that I would never be enough.

The biggest mistake of my life

The one I will never forgive myself

But now that she's with me again I'm not going to make the same mistake again, I don't want to waste any more time, I want her to know that I'll always be here for her and I'll be waiting for her, even if it has to be for the rest of my life.

"Earth to Jade!" Jesy exclaims snapping her fingers in front of my face. She looks at me cheerfully and I can see she can barely contain her laughter.

"Jade, we don't have much time, we have to be back soon or she'll get suspicious. That is, if Leigh hasn't already spilled the beans. That girl can't keep a chickpea in her mouth..." Jesy digresses, teasing our Jamaican friend but not without instilling concern in me in relation to Leigh letting something slip.

"Right! Right! We have to hurry" I reply firmly as I continue to stare at the three gold bands resting on the soft red velvet. I've been looking at them for almost half an hour and can't make up my mind. It has to be the perfect one, like her. Jesy and the shop assistant look at me curiously waiting for my decision, but my mind is blank and the only thing showing me is the angelic face of the love of my life.

"This one" I point, smiling. Jes's face matches mine. "Do you think she'll like it?" I ask letting the indecision return overpoweringly.

"No. She'll love it. It's perfect, Jade" my friend replies touched.

It has to be perfect

"I'll take it" I smile at the girl in front of me.

"Good choice" she smiles as she picks up the rest and packs what I have just chosen, "How do you want the box?" she asks showing me different shapes and colours. Among the many I spot one in blue velvet with a white interior. It is perfect. I point to it and the girl asks me to wait while she goes to prepare our package.

The best decision of my life

My heart accelerates uncontrollably as I take note of what I am really doing. I couldn't be more confident, but fear eats me alive.

"Jade, don't worry, it will be fine" Jesy smiles at me as she answers the question that is like an elephant in my mind. I silently thank her and watch the girl return. I pay and take the small package containing the promise of my future.

Let's hope it goes well

When we get back to the studio I hurry to hide my purchase and before Perrie sees me I make sure Leigh hasn't leaked anything. She looks at me sharply, promising me on her own life that Perrie doesn't suspect anything. As agreed, she told her that Jes and I had gone to get lunch.

When my baby arrives and sees me she runs towards me hugging me like a koala bear. I kiss her passionately and she kisses me back, the kissing becomes more pushed than it should and we break off when we hear gasps, we turn to see our best friends looking at us awkwardly and I feel my cheeks turn a deep shade of red. I look at Perrie whose face matches mine and to break the embarrassment I pull out the food bags Jes and I got just before we came here.

Pez pounces on it as if her life depended on it and I realise that everything seems to be back to normal, just like it was three years ago, before our crisis and everything that came after happened.

I couldn't be happier

I know it won't always be like this. There will be good days and bad days, but I want to enjoy every good one without thinking about what can go wrong and even on the dark days, rely on the small positive things.

By now the recording of Get Weird is finished, which means that now Perrie will have to decide whether or not she wants to prepare for the tour or avoid it. I know she's been thinking about it for weeks now, if I were to judge how things have been going lately I might think she'll come along and work at full capacity, however I don't want to pressure her or make her anxious and wait for her to decide, reminding her that she can always talk to me about it.

With another working day over, Pez, Lesy and I decide to go eat at Nando's before heading home. As usual we take a seat at the back of the restaurant trying not to attract too much attention, I order a Peri Peri chicken and Pez a Caesar salad. Ordering is no longer a problem, sometimes she still forgets she can do it, but things have clearly improved from only a few months ago, and they will get even better.

My baby seems a little lost in her own world, I shake her hand and see her staring intently at me with her oceanic eyes, "Are you okay?" I ask her when I know she is here.

"Yes. Sorry, I just have a strange feeling" she replies uncertainly as she looks around, I follow her gaze but I don't see anything strange, "It'll just be the stress of having to decide what to do with the promotion and the tour" she murmurs. I shake her hand again as Lesy also looks at us with understanding.

I ask Perrie if she wants to talk about it and after some thought she asks us for our opinion explaining what all her doubts are about going on tour. All four of us try to analyse the various situations that could arise and the possible solutions, we draw up a list of pros and cons, we understand what things could trigger Pez and how to prevent or avoid unpleasant situations.

At the end of dinner she tells me she is much calmer and thanks us for the support.

"I think it's time to come back. And then I don't want to miss another tour" she says enthusiastically although I can see a bit of sadness in her eyes. She's referring to Salute, when it was time for the tour we said that Perrie had had to have tonsil surgery and so wouldn't be able to attend.

"You'll be great, love. We'll talk to Simon tomorrow and explain our strategy to him. I'm sure he'll be happy to have you back too" I tell her honestly.

She nods and we remain in a comfortable silence until we decide to go home. Pez remains silent for most of the journey and unlike just a short while ago the silence is not comfortable but imbued with tension.

I touch her thigh and she looks at me intently but shortly after she goes back to looking out the window, once home I see her wandering worriedly and checking out the windows, I feel worry creeping into her veins and I ask her what is going on.

"I don't know, Jade. I've got a really bad feeling" she replies scared.

"Love... you know, the anniversary of-"

"I know" she interrupts me.

"Well, Cheryl explained that anniversaries are always difficult, it's like your mind and body want to protect you and send signals. I mean, maybe it's just your mind preparing" I tell her cautiously.

"Are you saying I'm crazy? No, Jade, there is something, I know it. I can feel it" she replies irritated.

"Love, I never said or thought that. I'm saying it's a defence mechanism and there's nothing wrong with that, however, there's not necessarily anything going on, okay?" I say calmly in my voice but I can see the anger in her gaze.

"I know what I'm feeling. It's not a defence mechanism or whatever psychological bullshit you think. You should fucking trust me!" she shouts and I am stunned by this side of her. Perrie is rarely this aggressive and I realise that whatever it is, it's really freaking her out, "I'd better go to sleep" she says heading briskly to her room.

I hurry after her and try to stop her, "Wait, Perrie! I didn't mean to offend or invalidate you, please, let's talk about this!" I tell her loudly as I enter the room. I see her quickly change and look at me mockingly. Her eyes are cold and the blood is like ice in my veins. That cold look frightens me and I don't know how to act. I don't think she has ever looked at me like that before.

"It's better if you stay in the other room for tonight" she says without emotion.

I nod and feel my heart crumble, "I'm sorry, love" I murmur as tears sting my eyes. I look at her hoping her soft eyes will return and ask me to stay but she turns on her side with her back to me, I grab my things and go to the guest room where I haven't slept in months now.

I undress and change, then pick up the small velvet box and stare at it as I let the tears fall.

Fuck! 

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A/N - Hope you enjoyed the chapter and see you soon! ❤️ Feedbacks are always appreciated so, if you want, comment and share!

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C