Chapter 16 - Nobody Like You

Chapter 16 – Nobody Like You

Jade pov

We left Liverpool an hour ago, just after breakfast because we couldn't wait to see Perrie any more. Before we left I asked at the hotel reception if they had a computer I could use quickly and they agreed, I placed the usb pen drive in and extrapolated the audio file from the Paris video. I cut out the parts where Perrie talks to leave just the song and now Jesy, Leigh and I are listening to it on repeat through the car's speakers.

After two hours of listening to the same song again, Jesy politely asks if we can put something else on, so we start Salute.

It's the first time I listen to the whole album again since this whole thing started and I freeze when I hear These Four Walls.

I also see Jesy and Leigh-Anne as shocked as I am and realise that this is the first time we really understand the lyrics.

I remember the first time Pez sang the song to us, she couldn't look us in the eye and her voice cracked with every word.

I ask Jes to put it on again and she hesitates.

"Please" my voice is calm.

Jesy plays it one more time and I listen carefully to every word, I can't help but sob as I realise my baby was explaining everything to me with that song.

How could I have been so deaf?

She was talking about her captivity, the inability to eat or sleep because of the demons that haunted her mind, the hours spent in the shower waiting for the feeling of his hands on her to go away and... and how much she missed me, so much that she couldn't keep living.

I close my eyes and silent tears flow through my eyelids. And then I fall asleep.

We arrive in London and it's already lunchtime, we go straight to the hospital to meet a simultaneously worried and excited Debbie. My mum joins her as they make us sit down.

"They said they will try to wake her up today, her body should be strong enough. They said to keep talking to her until she wakes up, but to be gentle and not shout or make loud noises. She needs to feel safe. It's up to her now"

I absorb Debbie's words as my mum gently squeezes my hand. Pez needs to feel that no one will hurt her and that she will not be harmed. And that's what we're going to do.

Jesy, Leigh and I look at each other and nod, then we meet the doctor and Debs tells him to start with the procedure. First they will take her out of the medically induced coma and day by day they will give her a small amount of stimulants so that her brain receives the impulses that will allow her to wake up.

** See the notes at the end

After a few hours, Dr Monroe tells us that we can go in and not to worry if Perrie has tremors or muscular spasms, but to notify the hospital staff immediately.

We enter her room and I don't notice anything different.

Well, Jade, it's been an hour, what do you expect?

Right

We all sit around her bed and I gently squeeze her hand. We look at her for a while but no one says anything.

After a while an idea occurs to me and I take one of the papers I had left in my backpack here. I've written a lot in the month I've been in hospital with Perrie.

"Hi love, it's Jade. I wanted to tell you that I miss you so much and I can't wait for you to open those beautiful eyes and come back to me. I wrote you something and I'd love for you to hear it. You don't have to do anything, just listen. This is for you, my love"

I begin to sing a song that I think I will simply call I Love You. Jesy and Leigh smile at me and I see them come up behind me and read the lyrics from over my shoulder and then join in. We finish the song and go back to watching her.

It's not long before visiting hours end and the nurses come calling to tell us to go home. Well, to Jesy, Leigh and our mums, because they know I'm not leaving. The nurses are very nice here, I have made friends with them and sometimes when they are on break they come here and talk to me or Pez. They often bring me tea or something to eat and make sure I am well too.

The girls, my mum and Debbie say goodbye to me and leave. I stay alone with Pez and watch her body carefully waiting for a reaction. But there isn't one.

I grab the box where Perrie's belongings were and take the papers I found yesterday but didn't open. In the video Pez was talking about letters she wrote to me in those months and I think these are the ones.

I open one and immediately see her handwriting, it's more messy than I remember but I can read the words well.

Hi Jadey,

It's been two weeks since I left Little Mix and every day I wonder how you are or how things are going. I hope you are happy, love. I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted to lie to you. I was so scared of Alex and his blackmail and everything he could do to me. Or you.

I'm so ashamed, Jade. I wanted to tell you everything the first time Alex....

But I was so terrified that you would blame me like I do. If I could go back I wouldn't go to Zayn. I wouldn't leave you at home. But I was furious, Jade. So furious. I just wanted to make things right with you and I felt rejected.

I shouldn't have trusted Alex but he seemed nice and seemed to pay attention to me and I trusted him. I thought he was a good guy.

But now I realise he is, he was wrong to do what he did to me but now he is teaching me how to be better. I am working hard and maybe one day I will be good enough for you. Maybe one day I will come back and you will want me again.

For now I am staying with Alex, he loves me and I am learning to love him. I know that one day I will love him. But never as much as I loved you, my love.

Forgive me for making you suffer, I just want you to know that you are the only one who can take this heart, heal it or break it all apart.

No one else has that power, love. Only you.

I love you Jade Thirlwall, forever

Yours - Pez

I read and reread the letter and I feel shattered. I ruined Perrie and will never be able to forgive myself. Yet she blames herself. It was never her fault. I pick up another letter and open it, it's only a few lines but I recognise some of it, I think it's the verse of a song but she never finished it.

You can take this heartHeal it or break it all apartNo, this isn't fairLove me or leave me hereLove me or leave me hereLove me or leave me here, love

I love you Jade Thirlwall, forever

Yours - Pez

It's beautiful, like everything Perrie writes. She's always been so good at writing, if she was here we'd have finished ten albums by now. She always knows how to put words together and make you feel what she feels. God, I miss her so much.

I pick up another sheet of paper, open it and start reading.

Hi Jade,

I don't know how long it's been, I think 6 months since I left the band. Sorry, the days are a blur and my brain doesn't seem to be working.

Alex and I are fine, he loves me very deeply and I'm falling in love with him, but no matter how hard I try I can't stop thinking about you.

I keep trying, nothing's working, I still wanna know, if you're alone I keep trying to put this behind me, I still wanna know who's taking you home.

I should stop thinking about you. It hurts me. It hurts so much to know that I had you and fucked everything up. I wonder if you have met someone, maybe as I write this you are with them. Maybe you are making love or holding them in your arms.

I wish you would hold me in your arms and whisper that you are with me. That you'll never leave me, but you won't because I've ruined everything.

I've been so stupid, Jade. It's all my fault and there's no turning back.

I have to stop thinking about you.

Even though I'll love you forever.

I love you Jade Thirlwall, forever

Yours – Pez

She must know that there has never been anyone else after her. She must know that no one could ever love me the way she did. And I will never love anyone else the way I love her.

The tears flow faster with every word I read. I can't even imagine how she felt. What she felt. She believed Alex loved her and she started loving him because he managed to convince her it was right. That it was her fault and that he was going to help her be better. God, that sucks! And me, I let it all happen.

Weeks pass and I sit next to Pez as I read the other letters, they are almost one per day and the closer we get to the day we found her, the more I notice that her mental state has worsened. Perrie even struggles to write, some words are misspelled, tears stain the ink and smudge it and sometimes small red drops colour the pages. Her thoughts are increasingly confused and her mood is lower and lower.

In some she admits that she cannot move because of her injuries or that she always feels so tired that she sometimes sleeps for days. She confesses that she feels lonely and misses being able to play music or sing. In some letters she writes that "I have to go now, I have to get ready for the visit of Alex's friends" and afterwards she doesn't write for days. And knowing what they were doing, I understand that she was too devastated. In the days leading up to our meeting, her handwriting is so bad and messy that I struggle to understand what is written in it.

I open one last letter, it is just a short text.

Hi, Jade

Just another stupid song that I won't be able to finish.

I'm alive, and living's just a beating heart'Cause we won't admit we've taken it too farI know it's love cause I will always be the firstTo start making up excuses when it hurts

But I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone againAnd all I want, all I want is to feel again

There's nobody like you, nobody like youI've tried goodbye a hundred times, not one of them trueNobody like you, nobody like youI'm screaming "I don't want you" but you know that I do

Oh, I wanna feel you in the darkI could use, I could use someBut all you left me with was scarsAnd that's the hardest part

There's nobody like you, nobody like youI've tried goodbye a hundred times, not one of them trueNobody like you, nobody like youI'm screaming "I don't want you" but you know that I do

Nobody like you

There's nobody like you, Jade

I love you Jade Thirlwall, forever

Yours – Pez

God, I feel so bad. I don't know what to do. I just want Perrie to come back to me and hold me and never leave me, I just want to tell her that everything will be alright.

Wake up, baby

WAKE UP!

And come back to me

After reading Nobody Like You I am about to put all the papers back in the box when I notice a white paper corner sticking out of the bottom, I pick it up with my fingernail and a thin wooden board that seemed to be the bottom of the box lifts up revealing one last sheet.

I open it with trembling hands wondering why Perrie hid it and begin to read, I immediately notice that the sheet is full of smudges and tear stains, the writing is so messy that it's hard to read the words. I close my eyes and try to focus before I start reading.

Hi Jade,

It has been two months since you left me and tomorrow I will see you for the first time since you kicked me out of our home. I don't know what to think, I don't know how to act. You once told me that you would never leave me. Look at us now.

We have to record the songs for the new album and I wonder what it will be like to be in the same room with you. I thought being with you might be a chance to explain, but I don't know if I can do that anymore. Not after what happened today.

Ironic, isn't it? That I still want to explain after what you did to me. I really thought you loved me, Jade. But now, I wonder if you just used me for fun, like Alex said.

I know I shouldn't have lied to you by telling you everything was fine and ignoring you, but do I really disgust you that much? Do you really hate me like that?

How could you watch that video and kick me out of our fucking home?! I thought you fucking loved me! I was wrong. I was so oblivious thinking that you could actually love a fool like me.

How could you watch him while he was raping me and not give a shit?! You never gave a shit about me! Ever!

I don't even know why I'm writing this letter, Jade, anyway you'll never read it and it's better that way. Right now I don't know how I feel about you. I know that when I will see you again tomorrow the anger will fade and I will still love you. I know I will try to talk to you even if you won't listen to me.

I know you have never loved me and yet I love you and I can't get enough of your loving. I cannot stop loving you.

The truth is that I am writing to you because there is no other way I can tell you. I don't know if I will ever be able to say it out loud.

Today Alex was so angry that I will have to go back to work tomorrow, he beat me up like never before. I tried shouting for help, I swear, but like every other time no one came. I tried to defend myself, but I'm too weak. Alex is right, I'm just a worthless little slut.

Weak! Worthless! Stupid!

He was furious and scared that I could tell you what is going on, that he took it all out on me and I really thought he wouldn't stop. I thought he would kill me and maybe, knowing how things turned out, I would have preferred it if he had.

I wonder, how long can a person take before they break?

How long will it be before Alex breaks me?

Maybe after today... I'm already broken

A part of me died the first time Alex raped me, a part dies every time he does it again and another part died today. Alex took it away from me forever and it kills me to think that maybe it was a part of you too. The last thing I had left of you.

But he killed it.

I feel so empty, Jade

How many more parts of me have to die before I give up?

When I saw all that blood... I don't know what to do, Jade. I need some fucking help! Please help me!

Please let me come back to you.

I keep touching my womb hoping to feel it, but I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything anymore! There is nothing left, just dust and rubble.

I don't know if the baby was yours or Alex's, I don't know if you'd care anyway, but I know that somehow I should have told you.

And I'm sorry if that's the only way I found and I'm sorry if you'll never know.

I'm sorry, Jade. I've run out of words. There's nothing more left to say.

See you tomorrow,

Yours – Pez

I hold the letter in my hand as I reread the words dozens and dozens of times. Suddenly the world spins and I feel my stomach turn upside down, I run to the bathroom and empty my stomach.

Air, I need air

Still holding the letter in my hands I leave the room and run down the corridors to the stairs and past the hospital exit.

I put my hands in my hair as my head feels like it's bursting and I gasp for air. My heart beats out of my chest and I feel dizzy.

What should I do?

My legs are shaking and I have to lean against the wall to keep from falling and then I start crying and sobbing hysterically.

"JADE! What's going on?!" someone calls out to me but I don't recognise the voice, I can hear that she is scared.

"JADE!!! Is it Perrie? Did something happen to her?!" another voice I don't recognise screams.

"JADE! LOOK AT ME!" I turn to the voice and continue panting and crying. Tears mist my eyes and don't allow me to see.

"Okay, Jadey, just breathe, breathe. Everything will be fine"

"NO! NO! IT'S NOT GOING TO BE FINE! I- SHE- SHE- IT'S ALL MY FAULT! IT'S MY FAULT!!!" I scream hysterically.

"Okay, Jade, whatever it is, it's going to be okay... now just breathe and explain what happened. Did something happen to Perrie? Has she been sick?" the owner of the voice squeezes my shoulders and speaks softly to me. I shake my head.

"Okay, Perrie is fine. Just keep breathing, honey"

I do as she says until I can calm down a little. I open my eyes and am confronted by a worried Lesy.

"What's going on, Jade?" Leigh speaks to me slowly, continuing to hold her hands on my shoulders and tracing small, soothing circles.

"S-she was pregnant" I stammer still upset.

"Yes, the doctor said so, she had a miscarriage" Jesy says in her sweetest voice but does nothing to calm me down.

"B-but s-she..." I can't speak, I realise I still have the letter in my hand and cautiously hand it to Leigh.

She takes it carefully and looks at me as if to ask my permission. I nod and they start reading.

Jesy brings a hand to her mouth as tears flow from both their eyes. Leigh closes her eyes and breathes deeply before continuing reading. When they are done they hug me until they take my breath away and I wish it would never end.

"I thought it was A-Alex's or those men" I stammer through tears as my friends comfort me, "I-I never thought it could be m-mine"

Jesy and Leigh continue to hug and caress me as I let the new information sink in and feel my heart break for the millionth time. We stay like this for a while until we recover and then decide to go back to Perrie's room.

Perrie needs us

Jesy pulls out a piece of paper that I recognise as one of the ones I was writing my thoughts on here in the hospital and looks at me and Leigh sharply "Let's go to her, there's something we need to do.

I'm here love, forgive me

I'm here now

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** A/N - I'm not a doctor and I don't know if this thing exists but I think there was an episode of Grey's Anatomy where they did this on a guy in a coma, if it's wrong, please don't be offended

Thanks to my very kind and friendly compatriot Jerrieeelove, it was a pleasure to meet you and have a long chitchat with you ❤️

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C