Chapter 15 - Only You

A/N - Read the notes at the end

Chapter 15 – Only You

1 month later

Jesy pov

Like every day for the past month I find myself walking down the same corridor towards Perrie's room. Our ray of sunshine has never woken up and our hopes are dwindling with every passing day.

A fortnight ago, Perrie had a collapse and underwent emergency surgery. Her body was failing and her heart stopped, again, making her condition even worse. The doctors were forced to put her in a pharmacological coma and wait for her body to become stronger before trying to wake her up. We still don't know if there is brain damage and what she will be like when she wakes up. If she will wake up at all.

Needless to say, the girls, Zayn and I do nothing but feel guilty. If we had behaved differently, if we had only opened our eyes, we would have seen what was happening. The truth was so obvious that all we had to do was look into Perrie's eyes to get the answers.

But we didn't.

None of us ever tried to understand.

And now our sun is slowly fading.

And it's all our fault

Alex was arrested while trying to catch a flight to some country without extradition. Rumours about his detention spread, but were never confirmed, and shortly afterwards the gossip dissipated. Better that way. Perrie is a victim and a survivor, her private life should remain so, and not be splashed across the news headlines just for a couple of likes from some online newspaper that doesn't give a damn about her or her dignity. 

If Perrie will ever want to tell her story it will be her choice how or when. It's her choice. And Perrie needs to understand that she can have a choice.

I enter Perrie's room slowly, I see Jade sitting by her bed as she holds her hand. Jade hasn't left her side since Perrie has been here, so much so that there are three suitcases under a window with everything she needs and a small bed that the nurses brought in when they realised she wouldn't leave her side.

"I just wanna scream out 'til my voice breaks

Even if the tears fall and my heart hates me" I hear Jade singing as her voice breaks in her throat.

"Baby, I love you" she whispers in tears.

Jade spends all her days singing Perrie's favourite songs or verses she writes while she's here, whispers in her ear that everything will be alright and that she's waiting for her. She tells her that she will never leave and asks her to forgive her.

Then she collapses in a sea of tears until she falls asleep, never letting go of her hand.

I clear my throat and Jade notices me, motions for me to sit down and I settle into the chair next to Perrie's bed, facing my geordie friend. I notice the dark circles and red eyes of the brunette in front of me and her hollowed out cheeks. Jade has lost a lot of weight and is pale from not having left this room for a month.

I take a deep breath and prepare to speak.

"The officers said that now that they have concluded the investigation at Alex and Perrie's house we can go and get her stuff."

Jade nods to show me she's listening but doesn't say a word.

"Jade, I know you don't want to leave her but I think you should come" I continue wanting a reaction, a response, a gesture. Anything.

"No, I can't. She might wake up and I have to be here" she shakes her head wildly and tightens her grip on Perrie's hand.

"Jade..."

"I said no! I don't want to see the place where he did this to her! I don't want to see the place where they beat her until she was broken! I don't want to see the bed on which he.... raped her! I don't want to!" Jade screams and bursts into tears, I get up from my seat and run to hold her and hug her as she sobs into my chest, wetting my shirt. But I don't care. We stay like this for twenty minutes until Jade only emits small sobs.

"I can't come, Jes, I have to be here when she wakes up"

"Jadey, Perrie won't wake up until the doctors take her out of the med coma and they said it will take a few more days. When she will wake up, she will be confused and scared. At first she won't understand what is going on because Alex has messed with her mind. She will need her things to feel safer or otherwise she will feel thrown into the lion's den"

Jade sighs noisily two or three times and then nods.

"You're right, we have to make sure she feels comfortable. Too many new things will scare her"

I nod seeing that Jade gets my point. "We'll go to Liverpool and only stay one night. When do you want to leave?"

"Tomorrow" Jade says firmly, "The sooner we go, the sooner we come back and I can be with her"

"Okay, I'll let Leigh know and find a hotel for the night" I say kissing Jade on the cheek and leaving the room, not before kissing my blonde friend on the forehead.

Jade pov

It's 7 o'clock and I'm getting into Leigh-Anne's car to go to Liverpool. I sit in the back seat and put on my headphones listening to DNA's and Salute's songs to hear my baby girl's voice.

"It disgusts me to hear your voice!"

I remember when I told her, the last time I saw her. An hour later Simon warned us that Perrie had left Little Mix.

"You disgust me!"

"I don't want to fucking see you ever again!"

I wonder what she thought while I was telling her all this, and tears appear in my eyes. How could I tell her that she disgusted me? How could I tell her that I never wanted to see her again?

It was all my fault

I shake my head to banish the flashbacks of my argument with Perrie from my mind and go back to listening to her voice. During these weeks, while I was beside her in the hospital, I wondered if she knew I didn't know what Alex had done to her. I remember when I showed her the video I had received and she closed her eyes and brought her hands over her ears so she wouldn't hear. I saw her shaking and crying but I was too furious to think of anything else other than what I had seen on the video.

I wondered if Perrie knew that the video I had received had been edited.

I had told her that I was ashamed of her and disgusted, but that was because I thought she had cheated on me with Alex.

If I had known the truth, I would never have told her such a thing. But when she asked for an explanation I kicked her out of our house.

She must have thought I didn't love her. Of course, how could she believe otherwise? She thought I had seen the video of her being raped and told her I was ashamed of her.

I'm sorry, love

I'm so sorry

Forgive me for not giving you a chance to explain

Forgive me for not seeing the signs

Forgive me for pushing you away

Forgive me for not being able to protect you

The thoughts and paranoia become more and more incessant and confuse me, I don't even know if they make sense anymore.

I shake my head again to send them away and focus on Perrie's voice. Without realising it I fall asleep.

I feel someone shake my arm and I open my eyes. I see Leigh-Anne and feel her hand brush my cheeks, wiping away my tears.

"We are here" she says with a sad smile.

I look at the time, London-Liverpool is about four and a half hours away, but with Leigh driving it has only taken us like four hours. It's 11 o'clock and we decide to go get a coffee before entering the horror house.

It is 11:30 and we stand in front of the building where Perrie and the monster lived, we look around and see nice cars and family residences. It's a nice neighbourhood. But it wasn't enough to protect her. I wonder if any of the neighbours ever noticed anything, if they ever heard her scream. I stop thinking about it, it won't help.

Jesy pulls out the key the officers had given us when they had finished searching Alex's house, and slowly unlocks the door. I cross the threshold and enter the appartment releasing a breath I didn't know I was holding.

I look around and nothing seems out of place. There is a large hall and to the right a spacious kitchen, I turn my head to the left and find the living room. I immediately see the sofa and recognise it as the one I saw in the damn pictures. I know what happened on that couch. Immediately all the pictures of Perrie being raped by those men come back to my mind. I swallow the lump in my throat but it doesn't go away. The tears flow fast and I feel myself gasping for breath.

I can't

I can't make it

I shouldn't be here

I turn and run out of the house, I find myself on the sidewalk, bent over with my hands on my knees as I try to breathe, I feel sick, I find the first bush and empty the little that's in my stomach. I feel one hand stroking my back and another holding my hair. I look up and see Jesy looking at me worriedly.

I hug her and crumble into her arms.

"Stay here, Leigh and I can do this"

I shake my head wildly. "No, I have to. I have to" I take more deep breaths and squeeze Jesy's hand as we walk back into the house.

I walk towards the living room where Leigh is evidently looking for something. "What are you looking for?" I ask slowly

"Perrie's Disney collection, maybe it will help her relax" she says with a small smile. I smile too and then remember what she had said that day in the hotel room.

"Disney? I can't watch a Disney movie!"

"Alex always says Disney movies are for good girls and I'm just a stupid slut"

Perrie had said it with a genuine smile, I guess he had told her so many times that she was totally sure of it.

"Maybe it's not a good idea" I whisper but Leigh must have heard me because she looks at me confused.

"What are you saying? Perrie loves Disn-" Leigh stops talking and opens her eyes wide. She must have remembered too. She lowers her gaze and nods, "Well, let's see what else there is, I couldn't find them anyway" Leigh continues as if she's not bothered but I can see the sadness in her eyes.

We find about ten worn books, as if they had been read and reread, I open a couple of them and see Perrie's handwriting on some pages and some underlined sentences. I pick them up, if she read them that many times they were probably her favourites. We keep looking but don't find anything else that interests us.

I remember when we were decorating our house, Perrie had decorated most of the rooms, there were pictures, flowers, photos and ornaments everywhere. It was a bit of a mess, but I liked it. There was so much colour, everything here is grey. Maybe Perrie didn't feel like doing it, maybe she didn't feel at home or maybe... he wouldn't let her.

I look at the fucking couch and notice stains in places, close my eyes for a few seconds and when I open them again I look closer. Dried blood, there for who knows how long.

Enough

I continue down the corridor and find the bathroom, I grab the products that I think are Perrie's and are a quarter of what she had when we were together and then I find the walk-in wardrobe. I grab all her clothes and realise that none of them are in her style. There are no shorts or t-shirts, but high-necked jumpers and long-sleeved shirts.

To cover bruises

Then I find dozens and dozens of new lingerie that barely cover anything. I stay a few minutes looking at them but decide not to take them.

I find sneakers and heels and take everything without stopping to look at them. The sooner we get out of here, the better. I give everything to Jesy and Leigh who are packing things up.

Having finished robbing the walk-in wardrobe and bathroom I'm left with the last room. The one I don't want to go into. Jesy and Leigh notice I'm stalling and get up from their seats coming towards me.

"We're here, we won't let you do this alone" Jesy whispers and squeezes my hand while Leigh gives me an encouraging look.

I rest my hand on the door handle and slowly open it. We walk in and look at each other before turning and inspecting the place.

I see a large king-size bed with a wooden headboard. The headboard has two hooks on either side and I can only imagine what they were for. I keep looking and see a bedside table with a clock on it, a book on the history of football and a phone charger, on the other side the same bedside table. Empty.

On the right a large wooden desk with a small lamp and some pencils. On the left, under the window a dresser and next to it a leather trunk.

I look back at the desk and see that the table is scratched, not from usage but as if someone had carved something. I look closer and see four vertical lines and a fifth horizontal one intersecting them. Perrie was marking the passing days. I look under the tabletop and find it full of lines. I notice that the first ones were sharp and deep, the last ones superficial. She was giving up. Or rather, maybe at some point she gave up and stopped marking them.

A sob brings me out of my thoughts and I see Leigh kneeling in front of the trunk. I cautiously approach and kneel at her side. Inside are ropes, knives, handcuffs and whips, the last ones stained with blood. I also see some videotapes.

"You think they are..." Jesy doesn't finish but we get her point as we both nod. We close the trunk and walk away without another word. I remain sitting and turn my head the other way when something catches my eye. Under the bed I see a small wooden box, I walk over and pick it up. I'm afraid to open it. Maybe there will be other things Alex used on her and I don't think I can take more.

Jesy sits down next to me and cautiously takes the box out of my hands before opening it.

Then tears stream down her face as she looks at the contents of the box.

I see a picture of the two of us and pictures of Little Mix.

There are other small items that I can't see and shortly afterwards Jesy closes the box and gets up, heading for the entrance and putting it in one of the boxes we were preparing.

Leaving the bedroom I realise there is one last door I hadn't seen before, I call out to the girls and take a deep breath before entering, I quickly find light and see some steps leading to a basement.

I pray I don't find anything here as I slowly descend the stairs and eventually find myself just standing in front of a room with a concrete floor, some shelves with household cleaning products as well as electronic accessories and some carpentry items.

We look around but thank God nothing seems creepy or out of place, so we go back upstairs, as I'm about to leave my blood runs cold when I notice lines on the door made in a desperate way as if someone had scratched the wood of the door to the point of madness.

I feel tears running down my face and I close my eyes, when I open them again I see Lesy looking at me and I point to the door before walking out and returning to the hall without looking back, as I feel the weight of everything I've seen today pressing down on my shoulders without letting me breathe.

We decide that's all, and take the items to the car, not that there are many anyway. Just a few shoes and clothes, some personal care products, books and the wooden box. This was Perrie's whole life. We fill the car trunk and see that it is already 9pm.

Leigh enters the address of the hotel and starts driving but I hear Jesy's stomach growling and realise that none of the three of us have eaten anything all day. I'm not hungry but I don't want to let my friends starve, so I suggest that we stop for something to eat before we get to the hotel. We find a small, rustic-looking restaurant. We see that there are just a few people and sit down, hoping that no one will recognise us and come to disturb us as we go over in our minds the events of the day and of the last month.

Dinner passes in silence, we glance at each other from time to time but then we turn back to our food without saying a word. We don't know what to say and honestly there is not much to tell.

At 10 o'clock we get up and walk to the hotel which is a short walk from the restaurant, but before we enter I ask Leigh to open the car and take the wooden box we found earlier, Jesy looks at me carefully but says nothing. We quickly check in and arrive at our room. It's a double with a single bed but given the short notice we didn't expect much better. And, honestly, I'm glad I'm not alone tonight. And I think Jesy and Leigh are too.

I sit on the bed and slowly open the box taking a deep breath before inspecting its contents.

As I thought there are pictures of me and Perrie and some of the four of us. I see the ring I had given Perrie for our anniversary and the bracelet Jesy gifted her for her birthday. Next to it, there is also the necklace Leigh had given her for Christmas. I remove the items to see what's underneath and find the number she had when she first auditioned for X Factor, the ticket from our first concert and photos with her family.

At the end I find several neatly folded sheets of paper and a usb pen drive.

I freeze and wonder what's in it, fearing there might be more photos or videos Alex has taken of her. But Perrie wouldn't keep them, right?

I see that there is a small television in the room, so I look carefully and find the usb input. I hope it works.

Jesy and Leigh look at me as if wondering what I'm doing as I reach for the remote control and set the usb as the source. The screen lights up and a camera icon appears.

The file is just called "Paris.mp4"

"Jade, we don't know what's there, it could be... you know" Jesy says carefully as she looks at the TV.

"If it was, I don't think Perrie would keep it with our pictures, right?"

I press play and the video starts, I see a bedroom that doesn't match the one we were in today and shortly afterwards a visibly tired and emaciated Perrie appears. I stare at her dead eyes surrounded by dark circles visible despite the thick layer of make-up.

Perrie sits on the bed and starts talking.

"Hi Jade, well I'm here in Paris and you know, I was thinking of writing you another letter that I'll never send but then I saw that Alex forgot the camera in the room so I thought I'd do something different" Perrie smiles but the smile doesn't reach her eyes. I remember reading in a magazine that they had been photographed in Paris, it was maybe about a couple of months after she left Little Mix.

"I honestly don't know why I keep writing those letters. I won't send them and you won't read them anyway, even if I did. Maybe I do it for me, so I don't lose my mind, you know? Or to remember you"

I feel Jesy pull up with her nose and know she's about to break down.

"I miss you, Jade. And the girls too. I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye, but... well I guess it was only fair, you told me you didn't want to see me again so you wouldn't care. I would have liked to give you one last hug though"

I'm sorry, love

I should never have said those things to you

"Anyway, no more time for tears, I'm in Paris and you know how much I love this city!" her smile is sincere now. I remember when we came here and went to Disneyland, then we stayed a few days to visit the city and we had so much fun. I loved that trip. I smile too, thinking back to the good memories.

"It reminds me of you, the streets call your name and it never feels the same without you. I wrote another song and I know you don't like my voice but you'll never see this video anyway and I'm talking to myself, so..."

I'm sorry!

I didn't want to tell you

I'm so sorry, love

"Well, cut the crap, I'll sing it to you anyway" Perrie pulls out a guitar and then looks around the room, "I borrowed it from the hotel staff" she says winking and smiling.

Finally she starts to sing and I am in tears as I listen to the words.

"Dancing with your silhouette in the places that we met

Ooh, tryna find you in the moon

Paris never feels the same, when the streets all call your name

Ooh, so I hide in crowded rooms

And I'll follow right down the river

Where the ocean meets the sky

To you, to you

Once upon a time we had it all

Somewhere down the line we went and lost it

One brick at a time we watched it fall

I'm broken here tonight and darling, no one else can fix me

Only you, only you

And no one else can fix me, only you

Only you, only you

And no one else can fix me, only you, oh

Only you"

Perrie puts down her guitar and looks at the camera so it looks like she is peering into my soul, she smiles once more and lowers her gaze.

"That's it, I love you Jade Thirlwall, forever" Perrie smiles once more and then moves closer to the camera until everything goes black.

The girls and I look at each other and all three of our faces are wet and full of regret. We decide it's time to go to bed and face the demons tomorrow, because we are exhausted today.

I lie down and replay in my mind the song Perrie wrote me in Paris until I fall asleep.

I love you Perrie Edwards, forever 

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A/N - Thank you all for reading, as I told you a few chapters ago, I started writing another Jerrie Fanfiction, I just posted the first chapter on my profile, it's called No Time For Us, go check it out and let me know what you think 🥰

The story is already completed and I will publish two chapters per week. Comments are always appreciated! I hope you enjoy❤️

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C