Chapter 4 - Are You Alright, Pez?

Chapter 4 - Are You Alright, Pez?

Perrie pov

"Perrie, what's going on there? Please get out, you're making me worry, it's already been an hour" I hear Jade's voice but I don't have the strength to answer her. An hour is not enough, the water has not yet washed the sensation of Alex's hands touching me, or his breath on my neck.

I still feel his mouth on mine and I can still see his eyes as he moves inside me. I can feel it inside me and I just want him to go away.

Please leave!

I rub my skin until it turns red to get rid of the feeling of him on me and inside me, but nothing works.

I said leave!

Jade knocks again and keeps calling me.

"I'm coming" I answer without emotion, I get out of the shower and take a towel. My whole body hurts and I start rubbing my skin with the washcloth to erase everything I feel. I look in the mirror and see the beginning of the formation of bruises on my face and legs.

I feel sick again and empty my stomach back into the toilet, even though there is nothing left.

I brush my teeth and pass the concealer on the red patches that are appearing on the face, then I realize that in my haste I did not take my pyjamas. I put on my bathrobe and take care to tie it so that it cannot open randomly. I take a deep breath and get out of the bathroom.

As soon as I open the door I find Jade sitting on the bed with a worried look, she notices my presence and immediately gets up, I get scared and I step back and, as before, she seems hurt.

"Love, sorry for yesterday, I'm really sorry, okay? I know I was a bitch but we can fix things" Jade says in a hurry and I hear the worry in her voice, I would like to tell her that it's fine, I would like to tell her that I forgive her, but I can't say anything.

"Pez, please talk to me" Jade insists.

"You're not going to tell anyone what happened, right?"

"Jade will leave you as soon as she sees how slutty you are, your family will disown you, your friends will leave and the label will abandon you. Your life will be ruined, Perrie."

"Excuse me, I need to sleep" my voice is flat and cold. Jade looks at me hurt for the third time in two hours and nods.

I go to the walk-in closet, pull out my pyjamas and go back to bed. I stand there and close my eyes, shortly after I hear Jade's footsteps move away and the bedroom door close.

Tears flow freely down my cheeks and I find myself sobbing unrestrainedly reliving again and again what Alex did to me, I can't let Jade hear me or she will ask me again what happened, so I bite the pillow and choke the desperate screams.

If I hadn't bothered Jade with my doubts and paranoia we wouldn't have argued, if we hadn't fought I wouldn't have gone to Zayn and if I hadn't gone to Zayn none of this would ever have happened.

I can't help but blame myself.

I shouldn't have given Alex too much confidence, I shouldn't have accepted to be alone with him, I shouldn't have trusted him. I was stupid!

Stupid!

I think back to everything that happened from last night to today and I look for an explanation, maybe I sent him signals that he misunderstood, maybe I was too friendly, maybe I made him believe that I reciprocated the interest in him.

There must be an explanation...

All I feel is shame and disgust, I feel dirty and there is no way to clean myself.

I can't talk to anyone, if I talk to Jade she will blame me for being alone with him, if I talk to Jesy and Leigh they will be disgusted by me, if I talk to Zayn he won't believe me because Alex has been his friend for years.

And then, even if they believe me, Alex has those damn pictures and as soon as everyone will see them my life will be over, my career will be over and my family's life will be ruined.

The more I think, the more panic increases, the throat closes and the air does not pass, I feel suffocated, my heart beats out of my chest and my head spins. My hands do not stop shaking and it seems to me that the walls of this room close around me. I feel myself sinking into the void and I feel like I'm going crazy.

I want to scream and call for help but no sound comes out of my mouth.

Somebody help me!

Suddenly someone touches my shoulder and I jump on the bed, I cover my head with my hands and try to breathe but I can't.

"Perrie, look at me"

I feel a hand brush against my wrist and scream in fear. I try to move away but I can't move.

"Perrie!"

I keep rocking back and forth praying for this nightmare to end and feel a hand stroke my hair.

"NO!" I shout with all the strength I have left and jump up.

I open my eyes and see Jade's eyes staring at me worriedly. Jade moves away slightly but continues to look at me, kneeling by the bed while I pant and try to breathe properly.

"It's all right, love, you're fine" Jade says in a soft, calm voice

"Look at me and breathe with me, okay? Do like me, love" Jade begins to breathe and I try to imitate her, after a few attempts I find my regular breathing and feel my heart slow down.

"Like that, love. Continue like this. Good" Jade speaks slowly.

We look into each other's eyes and breathe for half an hour, until I'm finally calm.

"What's going on, Pez?" Jade asks calmly but I read the worry in her eyes.

I can't tell her, I can't tell her the truth or there will be consequences, but I can't lie to her. I've never lied to her and I know she'll notice. I remember how all this started and I prepare to talk to her, hoping to be believable enough.

"It's Harry, he's in the hospital because he had a car accident" I say softly with tears pinching my eyes, both because Harry is really in the hospital, and because I'm lying to Jade about the reason for my panic attack.

Jade opens her eyes wide and stands up suddenly. I get scared of the sudden movement but I try not to show it.

"I call Zayn to see if he has any news" Jade replies and runs out of the room to pick up her phone.

I close my eyes and continue to take deep breaths.

After I don't know how long Jade comes back telling me that Harry has a broken arm and some bruises but he is fine and will recover soon. She also informs me that Zayn has called me several times.

I realize I haven't looked at my cell phone since Alex used it, Jade passes me my bag and I take my phone.

I see 4 missed calls from Zayn and 1 message.

From Alex.

Alex: I can't wait to see you again, sweetie

I get nauseous, I want to throw the phone but Alex said that no matter what, I should always answer him.

Perrie: what do you want?

Alex responds instantly. I guess he was looking forward to it.

Alex: Careful how you speak, Perrie... You don't want anyone to see those photos, do you?

I close my eyes and sigh.

Perrie: Sorry, I'm sorry

Alex: that's better, we'll catch up soon, sweetie

Stop calling me sweetie!

"What do you want for dinner, love?" Jade asks softly.

"I'm not hungry, thanks anyway" I answer again without emotion.

Jade looks at me sadly but does not insist, she leaves the room and I return to the darkness of my mind.

I don't know how much time has passed, my head is a mix of emotions and confusion. I am in bed in the same position as hours ago. Jade enters the room and I hear the bed sink and I see the light of her bedside lamp turn on, I close my eyes pretending to sleep hoping she doesn't want to have a conversation now.

I hear Jade taking deep breaths and knowing her I know she's holding back from talking. I hear her sigh and finally I see the same light go out, indicating that she has surrendered.

I stand still, hugging my pillow and turning so Jade can only see my back and minutes or hours later, I don't know, I hear her regular breathing and snoring.

I stay in the same position all night hoping that sleep will come and take away the nightmare I have just lived, the phone rings, I take it and look at the time. 5 am.

Very good

I look better and see 1 new message.

Alex: Let's see you at starbucks on the corner, in half an hour, don't be late

Leave me fucking alone!

I get up without making a noise and go to the bathroom, I don't care about my skincare or how I look. If the label has something to say about my appearance they can go fuck themselves. I dress in a random jumpsuit and leave the house closing the door slowly.

I arrive at the bar just on time and enter, there are still few people, better for me.

I sit at a random table and shortly after someone squeezes my shoulder, I would recognize those big and rough hands everywhere, I stiffen and gasp but I remain motionless. Alex can't do anything to me here, we're in public, right?

"Good morning, sweetie" a grin pulls at his face.

"W-What do you want?" I whisper as I stutter.

"Did you sleep well?" Alex completely ignores my question and continues to do I don't know what.

I shake my head and look down holding back tears. The images of what he did to me are constantly repeated in my mind.

Alex grabs my hand on the table and I immediately move to push it away, but he squeezes my wrist and looks at me irritated.

"You're going to be a good girl, aren't you?" he says in a growl.

I swallow and nod and leave my hand where it is. Alex keeps stroking the back of my hand as he speaks.

"What plans do you have for today?"

"I have to go to the studio to rehearse the new songs" I answer in a whisper trying not to stutter.

"Oh, well, I can't wait to hear something! Have a nice day, Perrie"

Alex gets up and leaves, I am dumbfounded and I wonder what it was. I take deep breaths and get up too. I leave the bar and head home. It's already 7 o'clock when I come back and I hope Jade hasn't woken up yet, my hopes fade as soon as I open the door and find her standing with her arms crossed.

"Where the fuck were you? I woke up and you weren't there and I got worried!" Jade blurts out and I'm terrified of her tone and high voice.

"Sorry I just needed to clear my head" I reply, looking down.

"Well next time warn me!"

I nod and go to the room.

"Get ready, we'll leave in half an hour"

I go to the walk-in closet and choose some clothes, then I go to the bathroom to change. I take off my suit and take a good look at my body, the bruises on my legs are fully formed and clearly visible now, small purple patches have appeared on my neck and my cheeks are bright red. I do not know if for the slaps or for the cold, a small bruise is at the corner of the mouth but it is not very visible.

I make up my face and neck well and put on a sweater with a black turtleneck and blue jeans. I don't give a damn about fashion today, or my appearance, or anything.

I go back to the living room and see Jade is ready, she beckons me and we leave the house, we find John, our driver, waiting for us and we go to the label.

As soon as we arrive, Jesy and Leigh rush to us and hug us. I stiffen but I return the hug as soon as possible so I can free myself, they look at me strangely but do not say anything.

We start browsing through the completed songs, the incomplete ones and listen to some demos.

We spend a couple of hours writing new verses or completing unfinished songs, then we move to the rehearsal room to rehearse music and lyrics.

While we are singing "Nothing Feels Like You", which I had written for Jade a few weeks before the beginning of our crisis, the door to the rehearsal room opens and a smiling Zayn and a bruised but equally smiling Harry enter. I smile sincerely when I see him feeling good enough but my smile is short-lived when I see a third person entering.

Alex

I wobble and almost fall to the ground.

Alex looks down on me, approaches me and hugs me, I freeze and stand still and feel his breath on my neck "Too bad we are not alone now". I swallow and stay in my position until Alex finally comes off me, I see Jade looking at me with a strange look but I pretend nothing.

Zayn introduces Alex to Jade, Jesy and Leigh-Anne and tells them that I met him the other night at his house.

Now it's Jesy and Leigh who give me a strange look, they probably didn't know that I spent the night at Zayn's or that Jade and I had a fight in the first place.

Everyone else starts chatting while I keep quiet thinking about how to get out of this situation. I see Alex checking on me every two minutes and I want to escape from this room.

Zayn proposes to go for a coffee at the cafeteria in the building and everyone gets up.

"Are you coming?" Jade says, offering her hand, seeing that I'm still sitting on the couch.

I get up but without taking her hand and I start towards the exit, Jade and I walk in silence following the others when I see Alex turn around and wait for us.

"Perrie, can you show me where the bathroom is, please?"

Jade looks at me as if to ask if everything is okay and I give her a nod.

"Sure, start going, we'll catch up with you later" I reply to Alex, forcing a fake smile and turning to Jade.

We turn right at the next corridor and I see that Alex looks back, I follow his gaze and I see Jade moving away in the opposite direction to ours. When Jade disappears from our sight, Alex grabs my arm and pushes me into a free office.

"Wha-"

Alex pins me to the wall and puts his hand over my mouth as he starts groping my breasts and kissing my neck. I try to reject it and I can already feel tears forming in my eyes.

"I missed your body, sweetie"

A loud noise interrupts him and I take advantage of his distraction to push him and run out of the room, I run quickly to reach the others and I hear his footsteps behind me. In no time at all, I arrive at the cafeteria with shortness of breath, Alex just behind me.

Jade looks at me worriedly, "Are you okay, Pez?"

No!

"I didn't know Perrie was so afraid of spiders!" Alex says laughing and I force another fake smile.

Jade continues to look at me in a worried way but I approach the counter and order a tea, ignoring her.

After another hour talking the guys leave and we go back to the rehearsal room, at lunchtime I politely refuse to join my friends saying that I don't feel so well and that I will try to take a nap, actually I stay on the sofa in the rehearsal room to brooding on the latest events.

We spend the afternoon rehearsing but I'm distracted and I keep going out of time.

Jesy, seeing my difficulty, tells us to go home and put me to bed probably thinking that I'm sick or something.

Jade and I arrive home and without saying anything I go to my room, put on my pyjamas and go to bed. Jade approaches me and asks me if I'm okay, I tell her that I probably only have a little fever and she kisses my forehead, I do everything not to gasp at the contact and she does not notice.

I'm exhausted and finally I can fall asleep for the first time in 30 hours.

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C