Chapter 5 - I have no choice

Chapter 5 - I have no choice

Perrie pov

"I bet Jade can't fuck you like that, right, sweetie?"

I try to push Alex away but he's too strong

"Let's play a game"

"Stupid whore!"

I cover my face to protect myself from the next slap.

"I know you want it too"

"Now let's have some fun, sweetie"

"Leave me!"

"Please stop!"

"Perrie"

"Be good and it will end soon"

"Perrie!"

"Please, stop!"

"Don't! Don't!"

"I missed your body, sweetie"

"PERRIE!!!"

A hand grabs my wrist and shakes me.

"Don't fucking touch me!"

I open my eyes wide to find myself in front of a worried Jade. I'm in my bed.

You're safe, Perrie

Alex can't hurt you here

"Love, talk to me" Jade begs me and I see tears streaming down her face.

"Sorry, it was just a nightmare"

"You were yelling at someone to stop, I couldn't wake you up. Love, you know you can tell me anything, right?"

I'd like to tell you, Jade, believe me.

But I can't

"It's nothing. Go back to sleep" I answer in a flat voice

"Love, please, I know something is wrong"

I lay down with my back to Jade and hug the pillow trying to regulate my breathing.

"I'll be here whenever you want. I love you, Pez" Jade tells me in a sweeter voice.

I love you too

But I don't tell her.

Weeks go by fast or slow, I don't know, I don't care. Day and night merge into the darkness of the bedroom. Jade keeps bringing me plates of food that I can't eat because of nausea. She tries to talk to me and I don't answer.

Alex keeps texting me and does nothing but makes my nightmares worse. Jade said that every now and then he goes to the studio to say hello, she told everyone that I caught a flu virus and I can't go to work, but she often sees me sneaking out of the house or coming back late at night when Alex asks me to see him, I know she suspects something.

Every time she asks me where I've been, what I've done and who I was with and I just ignore her. I know she's angry.

Sorry, Jade

Nothing else happened after the last time I saw Alex, sometimes he tries to kiss or grope me but our meetings are always fast and in public, so he doesn't make any risky moves.

Being so close to him is driving me crazy, every time I see him I remember what he did to me, but Alex keeps telling me that if I don't do what he says he will ruin me.

Sometimes I hear Jade talking on the phone with Jesy or Leigh, I know she's worried but I can't tell her the truth. Lesy knows I'm not really sick and every now and then they come to see me, sit on my bed and talk to me but I pretend to sleep or just ignore them.

I feel the door open and close and I know it's Jade.

"Love, it's been a month, Simon wants to see you tomorrow, he was very determined about it" Jade speaks to me cautiously, as if at any moment I could break myself.

I'm already broken

A month then. I know I won't be able to stay here forever, maybe going back to work will be good for me. I raise my head and watch Jade play with her fingers. She does this when she's nervous. She probably thinks I'll yell at her like every time she tries to touch me.

"Good" I answer in a flat voice. Jade looks up and opens her eyes wide, but hints a smile.

"Good" she repeats, letting out a sigh.

The next morning, or rather, after yet another nightmare, I get out of bed and go to the bathroom. I wash, dress and make up ready to go to the studio after a month of absence. I already know Simon will kick my ass.

I go to the kitchen and see that Jade is already ready and has prepared a wide choice of dishes. All my favorites. I force myself to eat and manage to finish a pancake and an apple.

Jade smiles satisfied and we go. Our driver is already waiting under the house and we get in the car. Jade puts her hand on the middle seat and slowly I reach out to her and shake it. I see a big smile appear on her lips and a small smile forms on mine.

We get to the label and everyone looks at me like I'm an alien.

Jesy and Leigh smile like crazy and run towards me but at the last they slow down. I silently thank them and give them a small smile that they reciprocate.

Stephanie, Simon's secretary, tells me that he will see me around 11 o'clock.

I go to the rehearsal room with the girls and they show me the new songs.

Jade shows me a lyric that I recognize, I had written some verses the day we had a fight, they decided to call it They Just Don't Know You, Jade must have found it in our music room and the girls completed it. We try it for a while and I'm happy with the result. We try other songs written by Jesy and Leigh and all of them are beautiful. Jade hasn't written anything for this album yet and it worries me, but for the last month she's been busy worrying about me and I feel guilty about that.

It's 11 o'clock and Stephanie comes to call me and takes me to Simon's office. She knocks and warns him of my presence, after a few seconds he invites me to enter.

"Hi Perrie, how are you?" Simon asks with slight concern.

"It's getting better, I'm sorry for my absence" I answer calmly.

"Okay, the important thing is that now you go back to work, you weren't there and Jade was very distracted. I'm sorry to say but we're very late with the delivery of this album" Simon sighs "Jade made me ear Secret Love Song and told me that you wrote it. It's very beautiful and will be included in Salute. If the album goes well, you and Jade can come out and the management has decided that you will be free to choose where, how and when. Most of all, now we have to finish the album, expectations are high and the audience is waiting for nothing else, we have to ride the wave" Simon smiles at me but speaks decisively.

I absorb all the information and smile at him in turn. I thank him and promise him that I will do my best to get back on the rails. Simon nods and lets me go.

I thought he was going to kick my ass

I go back to the rehearsal room and the girls look at me with curiosity, I tell them the whole conversation and Lesy applauds excitedly.

I look at Jade and I know we're thinking the same thing.

We haven't really spoken to each other for almost 3 months, first because we were in crisis and now because I have closed in on myself. Maybe it's not the right time to come out as a couple. Maybe we're not even a couple anymore. More like two people sleeping in the same bed at night and exchanging no more than 10 words during the day.

I hear the girls' voices but I don't really listen.

I wake up from the trance I've been in for the last half hour when I hear the door close, I look around and see only Jesy sitting on the couch looking at me.

"Do I have something on my face?" I ask her, hinting at a smile, hoping it will ease the tension.

"It's more what you don't have" she replies seriously. I frowns and beckons her to explain.

"There isn't the usual light in your eyes. You are our ray of sunshine, Pez, you illuminate the room as soon as you enter, we miss your light" Jesy looks at me carefully and I see tears forming in her eyes but without falling. She blinks a couple of times and then starts talking again.

"Perrie, I know something happened, we all know that. Leigh and I are very worried and I'm not even talking about Jade, she's going crazy trying to figure out what's on your mind. Whatever it is, I promise you can tell us. We are here for you and we will always be there. Just, don't exclude us, okay? We are here"

I listen to her words and now tears form in my eyes, I fight not to let them fall but I lose miserably. I whisper a thank and smile sincerely at her. The first real smile I have in a month.

"Well, then how about a Disney-themed movie night?" Jesy completely changes her tone and screams with enthusiasm. Surprisingly, her enthusiasm infects me and after long seconds of reflection I accept the offer. Jesy claps her hands in victory at the exact moment Jade and Leigh enter with 4 coffees.

The two look at us waiting and Jesy tells them about movie night. Leigh jumps on the spot in enthusiasm and drops a few drops of coffee and Jade gives a huge smile. For the first time in a month, I feel good.

After a quick lunch and an intense afternoon rehearsing the new songs, Jade and I go home to get ready.

I'm in the bathroom, I've just finished showering and I'm about to put on makeup when I hear the phone ringing, I look at the ID and my legs turn into jelly.

Alex

Again

I respond quickly and take a deep breath as I prepare to hear his voice.

"Hi, Perrie" I can see the smile on his lips.

"What else do you want?" I try to sound confident but my voice breaks at the end.

"Come on, sweetie, don't do that. I want to see you, I know you want it too."

"I know you want it too"

I close my eyes and think back to what happened the last time he told me.

"I want to see you tonight"

"I can't, I'm with Jade and the girls and I can't back out" I say more confidently in my voice.

"I don't feel like I've given you a choice" he growls, and I know he's getting angry.

"What do you want me to do?" tears are forming in my eyes.

"Tell Jade you're not feeling well and stay home. I'll call you later to tell you where to come" with this I hear the signal of the line and I know that it has hung up.

As he said, I have no choice.

I have no choice

I throw back the tears and think about how to make Jade believe that I really don't feel well. I hear her moving frantically in the room, probably looking for shoes or something. At that moment I have an idea, a horrible and stupid idea.

TW - Mention of Bulimia. Please, read at your own risk, if you don't feel comfortable just skip the part.

I kneel on the toilet and stick two fingers in my mouth until I can induce vomiting. My stomach gives way immediately since it's not the first time I've done it... In high school this was normal to me.

I empty my stomach in the toilet and hear footsteps approaching as I rest with my forehead on the edge. Jade strokes my back and I try not to gasp.

End of TW

"What's up, love?" Jade asks me worriedly as she holds her hair behind my head.

"Just something I ate, probably. I don't feel well, I don't think I should come tonight."

Jade nods and hugs me, once again I stiffen but I try to relax in her arms and for a moment all my fears seem to disappear.

"I call Jesy and tell her we're not going, I'm staying home with you"

"NO! I mean, no, don't worry. You've been taking care of me all these weeks, you need a night out. I'll be fine, really" I answer slowly, forcing a smile.

Jade falters and I know she wants to refuse, I look her deeply in the eye and hope she believes what I tell her. I don't want to lie to her. I never wanted to.

But I have no other choice

Sorry, Jade

"Okay, then, but I'm not going to be late. I'll be back by 10 o'clock" she tells me with a smile that I reciprocate.

When she has finished getting ready, Jade leaves the apartment and I stay on the couch with the phone in my hand, after a few minutes I hear someone knocking on the door, probably Jade who forgot her phone or something.

I open the door and the world collapses.

Alex

TW - Graphic description ov violence and rape. Please, read at your own risk, if you don't feel comfortable just skip the part.

He is in front of me with a smile on his face, I immediately hurry to close the door but Alex puts his foot in and does not allow me. He makes his way into the apartment and I rush to pick up the phone I left in the living room.

Alex grabs me by the hair and pulls me back.

"Is that how you greet me?" Alex turns me in front of him and kisses me furiously.

I reject it but I am too weak and I get nothing.

"I missed you, sweetie" he whispers darkly in my ear and I can already feel the hardness in his pants. I stick my nails in his arms until I feel drops of blood. Alex opens his eyes wide and suddenly hits me in the stomach.

I feel the air coming out of my lungs and I struggle to breathe. I'm on my knees when I feel a twinge of pain in my ribs and I see Alex kicking me several times.

"You stupid whore!" he yells at me as he keeps hitting me. I bring my hands to my chest trying to protect myself but it is useless. I'm already starting to feel unconscious when I see him unbutton his pants and straddle me.

"N-no" I plead with him between sobs.

Alex locks my hands above my head and with his other hand settles at the entrance. Then I hear him enter.

"Please stop! Please! It hurts!" I scream as it moves inside me. Alex closes my mouth with one hand while the other continues to hold my hands above my head.

I don't know how long it continues. I close my eyes and pray that it will end soon. I pray that Jade will come in at any moment and come to save me.

But Jade doesn't come.

It was all my fault

Again

I deserve it

I see Alex stand up and feel his cum dripping from my pussy. Again. I cry harder and wrap my arms around my body to protect myself. I feel so small.

So weak

End of TW

Alex kneels down and turns my head towards him, looks at me with satisfaction when he sees new tears falling from my eyes.

"You know, Perrie, I realize I want you all to myself. I don't like seeing you with Jade. You are mine, Perrie. I own you"

I shake my head and sob.

"You're going to break up with Jade and run to me. And you'll do it tonight."

"NO!" I scream with all the strength I have left, but Alex punches me in the stomach again.

"I'm not going to leave Jade! Post those photos, do whatever you want, but I won't leave Jade!"

Alex laughs creepy and strokes my hair.

"Well, we'll see. See you soon, Perrie" he says smiling before getting up and out of my sight and home.

I stay there trying not to think about what just happened and the pain I feel between my legs and stomach.

I try to stand up but the pangs of pain take possession of my body and I fall to the ground. I try more slowly and lean against the wall as I slowly stagger to reach the bathroom. I look at the time in the clock in the room. 9.30

I enter the bathroom and open the shower water, wait until it gets hot avoiding looking in the mirror. When the water is ready I go in and sit on the floor, clutch my legs to my chest and stand there numb while the water burns my skin.

"Hey love, are you okay?" Jade's voice awakens me from my zombie condition.

I close the water, go out and wrap myself in a towel. I dry my hair and put on the pyjamas I accidentally left here this morning.

I open the door and see Jade. She looks different.

"Love! I missed you so much!" she jumps towards me and hugs me. I stand firm. I'm not happy, I'm not scared. I'm nothing. I don't feel anything.

"Sweetie, I missed you" Jade approaches to kiss me and I see her eyes better. I recognize the look, she's drunk.

"Don't call me sweetie" I growl and Jade opens her eyes wide.

Jade grabs me by the hips and pushes me against the wall.

"Come on, sweetie, I want to make love to you" she says slurring.

"I said don't call me sweetie!"

Jade kisses my neck and my legs are shaking.

Please go away

"Jade, let me go"

"Stop!"

Jade doesn't stop

"Jade, don't you fucking touch me!" I scream and push her away from me.

Jade looks at me in panic.

"Oh my God, Perrie, love, excuse me! I wasn't thinking, okay? Sorry honey, you know I would never do such a thing. Forgive me" Jade speaks in a hurry with tears streaming down her face and approaches to take my hands.

"Don't get closer, you don't have to touch me!"

Jade freezes and closes her eyes as she sighs. When she opens them again, more tears fall from her eyes.

"Okay. I'll stay... I will only stay in the guest room. I'm sorry, love" Jade says sadly as she walks away and leaves.

I stay against the wall and slide until I sit on the floor. I clench my knees to my chest and silent tears run down my face as I stare at an empty spot in the wall. But I don't feel anything anymore.

It's all my fault

And now my heart feels nothing at all

__________

Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C