Chapter 11

Sirius

We find a grassy patch at the edge of the lake, far enough from everyone else that I'm not worried about eavesdropping or being interrupted. I spread one of our rougher camping blankets on the ground, sit on it, and realize that this is the first time I've ever felt awkward around Remus. Even the first time we met was...comfortable. We fell into a friendship so easily, and it was easy to fall for him romantically, too. And now...I hate the stiffness in Remus' shoulders and the conspicuous amount of space he puts between us on the blanket.

I lay back on the ground, hoping that the stars will calm me. Remus copies me, but he stays quiet. And even though Remus said that he wanted to talk, I've never been a patient person. "I'm sorry for...just blurting it out the other night. It was...I'm sure it was out of the blue and a bit overwhelming. And God, Regulus..." I cover my face with my hands. "I can't believe he came and talked to you. I'm so sorry."

The moments of silence drag until I feel Remus shift beside me. His fingers close over my wrist and tug a hand away. I can't quite bring myself to look at him. "That's not the problem, alright? I-I love that you told me. Because... Because I feel the same way. About you."

Slowly, I blink an eye open. Remus is up on one elbow, his hand still cradling my wrist. And he's smiling even as his eyes betray how nervous he is. "Really?"

He huffs. "Of course. How could I not be crazy about you, Sirius?" My other hand drops from my face, and I watch him, transfixed. "I've...I've been crazy about you for so long. The first time I met you, I thought you were gorgeous. And kind on top of that? Funny? Generous? How could I -" He cuts himself off and lays back down, letting go of my wrist as he does. "You're amazing. How could I not? And Regulus? He's...he's the reason I worked up enough courage to talk to you."

I swallow and try to level out my breathing. I can feel my heartbeat in my ears. "So then...why did you leave? Why did you...not say anything? That...That hurt, Remus."

"I..." Remus' voice cracks, and I desperately want to touch him, to comfort him. But I hold myself back. "I was scared. I am scared. I'm terrified."

"Of what?"

"Of...Of a relationship. I always have been." A single tear tracks from the corner of his eye to his ear, and this time I do touch him, wiping it gently with my thumb and sliding my fingers into his hair. "I don't...I don't want to hurt you, Sirius. And I think...a relationship with me would hurt you."

"Remus..."

He shakes his head. "It would."

"I..." But I know there's no convincing him. Not right now anyway, and I don't want to upset him more. The fact that he likes me back is enough. For now. "Ok. Ok, but you can't shut me out like that again. That...was awful."

"I won't." He turns to face me, eyes still a little watery. "I didn't like it either. I missed you guys." Slowly, he tugs my hand away from his face and laces our fingers together.

"You did?" I can't quite find my breath, every molecule in my body focused on Remus' thumb brushing over the back of my hand.

Remus hums, eyes back on the sky. "Even Regulus, although he can be very frightening when he wants to be."

I snort. "He gets that from our mother. And Cousin Bella. I'm...sorry he bothered you."

"No, it's ok. He...He called me out because he loves you. He didn't want me to hurt you. He...I probably would have talked to you eventually. I wouldn't have been able to avoid you forever. But he pushed me to do it sooner." He swallows, and I watch his throat move with half my brain still on our clasped hands.

"I should thank him, then?" I ask.

"I think you should." He gives me a look. "I've noticed you two have been a little...frosty with each other lately. Is that why?"

I sigh. "Yes. I...I asked him not to talk to you about it. I was embarrassed, and I didn't want him to threaten you or make you feel pressured into liking me. When he told me he'd talked to you I...I was angry and even more embarrassed. I haven't properly talked to him since."

"Have you guys properly talked...at all? About anything?"

"A little. Mostly his friends and his time at school - slowly catching on things I missed. But..." I swallow. "Nothing big, nothing deep. We haven't talked about when I left or Mom and Dad at all. I don't even know the full story of why he left. He was vague about it when he called me that night."

I watch Remus out of the corner of my eye as he rolls his head to look at me. "I feel like a broken record about this, but it will take time."

"I don't know how much time I have left. He starts school in just over a month. I don't know when he's actually planning on going back to Boston." The thought lodges in my throat. It's hard enough talking when he's here, in front of me, sleeping on the couch. What would it be like if he's all the way across the country? Would he call? Would I?

"Then make the most of the time you do have." He smirks. "Maybe you can ask him if he has crush on James."

I shudder, and Remus cackles. "It's not funny. I don't...I don't mind it. Really. In trying not to think about you the last few days, I ended up thinking a lot about them. It's weird, but not because I don't want them to be together. I actually think they might be really good for each other. It's just new. Different."

"I think they'd be good together, too. Regulus deserves the kind of love James has to offer. And James deserves someone who would take care of him the way Regulus takes care of you."

"Angrily?"

Remus snorts. "Yes, actually."

"I think you're right."

"Of course, I am."

***

Reggie's Gremlins + Pandora

@bartemiuscrouchjr: one...this is my official, my-father-is-in-politics account@bartemiuscroughjr: excuse me a moment

@bartemiuscrouchjr added @bartyparty@bartemiuscrouchjr left the chat

@bartyparty: much better@bartyparty: two...pandora is DEF a gremlin soooooo

@bartyparty changed the group name to Reggie's Gremlins + Sirius

@pandaaa78: Barty, I'm honored you think I'm a gremlin.

@bartyparty: congrats. You've made it.

@ev_roz: Panda, we've considered you a gremlin for a very long time.

@padsssss: jfc, I haven't even said anything yet@padsssss: can you discuss this in your own group chat@padsssss: I have a sort of crazy proposition

@bartyparty: oooooo im interested go on

@ev_roz: crazy is what we do, Sirius. You should know that about us by now.

@pandaaa78: Yeah, we're really good at crazy.

I stare at Pandora's message and sigh in pre-emptive exhaustion. Maybe this isn't a good idea. But then I see Regulus out of the corner of my eye, sitting in a camping chair at the edge of the lake. I don't think he's unhappy - the opposite, really. But I do know he misses his friends, even if he'd never say it.

@padsssss: what do you think about coming out here and surprising Reg?@padsssss: we're in the cascades for the next seven days@padsssss: you'd have to camp in a tent or rent an RV or something, there aren't hotels nearby and we're out of bed space@padsssss: but I think Reg would like to see you

@pandaaa78: Yes. I'm in.

@bartyparty: yeah but I'm not sleeping on the ground, even for Reg@bartyparty: Ev, wanna rent an RV?

@ev_roz: sounds good. I'll drop by after my doc appt and we can look@ev_roz: Panda, you wanna try to book on the same flight?

I watch, smiling, as they bounce messages back and forth and finalize everything. When they ask, I tell them the name of the campground. But other than that, they ignore me.

Remus glides toward me and lifts himself out of the water onto the dock. "What are you smiling at?" He grabs his towel from behind me and pats his face dry. I tilt my phone toward him. "Ah. Plotting."

"Good plotting."

"Good big brother plotting, yes." He hangs the towel around his neck and shivers. It's cold enough in the lake that Remus has chosen to wear his wetsuit. It's a shame, really. But I can still see the definition of his arms through the tight material. This time, I let my eyes linger and blush when he catches me.

To distract myself, I look back at the group chat that has gone oddly silent. The last message explains why.

@pandaaa78: Sirius, we land in Seattle Tuesday morning. It sounds like we can only stay for a few days. Everything else TBD. We'll let you know.

@padsssss: great. Thanks guys.

I flip over the group chat that James, Remus, and I have with the girls.

Me: We're going to have some visitors for a few days next week. Three of Regulus' friends are flying out on Tuesday. Hope that's ok.Me: Oh, and don't tell Reg. It's a surprise.

***

Regulus

The Cascades may be my favorite national park yet. I don't know what it is - maybe the mountains. The Appalachians are beautiful, but these mountains tower over us on all sides, cradling the lake and us. And it feels cozy despite the chill in the night air and the lake water. Everyone feels cozier, too. Our campsites are right next to each other this time, which means more communal meals even if we're not cooking together. Mary's birthday our first night was only the first of several late nights and early mornings around the fire with cups of tea and hot cocoa or bottles of wine and beer.

On Sunday, we spend the whole day in the lake. Well, everyone else does. I dip a toe in and decide that I'd like to stay nice and warm watching over everyone's phones and keys. On Monday, we go on a little hike up the mountain, and I sit on a boulder at an outlook for almost an hour just staring at the view. Monday night, I end up alone with Sirius in the bus while James and Remus take a late night swim.

Sirius settles on the couch across from me. "Reggie, can we talk?"

"Um. Sure." I set my book aside and pull my legs under me. "What about?"

"I'm sorry. And thank you."

I blink at him. "What?"

"I'm sorry for getting angry at you for talking to Remus. And thank you for...well, talking to Remus. I was embarrassed, and I didn't want Remus to feel pressured into liking me or even talking to me. But I know you did it because you care about me. So, thank you."

"Um..." I nod. "Thanks."

He sighs. "Reg. I missed you. I've missed you for five years. And the last month and a half has been...so good. I'm so happy you called me and actually came out here. And I...I haven't spent enough time with you. I've been nervous. I haven't known what to talk about or how. But I want to. I don't know how much longer you'll be out here, and I want to make the most of it."

I stare at him. I want that, too. I want to get to know him again, to be like we used to when we were kids. And it's not like I thought he didn't. He brought me out here, after all. He let me stay. But it's nice to hear it.

"I do, too. I just...I don't know how. I don't want to say or do something wrong and push you away."

"Reg, we're going to mess up. But you're my brother. If we can overcome five years of not talking, I think we can figure out some hurt feelings."

I nod. "Ok." I consider telling him about my decision to take a gap year now, but we're interrupted by James appearing and begging Sirius to join them in the water. He knows well enough not to ask me.

Tuesday morning brings sunshine and another day spent by the lake reading. I watch Remus and Sirius splashing each other and giggling. Whatever they talked about Saturday night seems to have relieved the tension. They haven't spontaneously announced that they're dating or even held hands in front of any of us yet, but they're not actively avoiding each other either. I'll ask Sirius about the details later.

We're about to leave the camp site after lunch when an RV pulls into the site next to us.

Sirius stops in front of me, and I nearly crash into his back. "Looks like we've got neighbors," he says.

"Mmhm," I hum.

I move to step around him, when someone squeals, "Reggie!" I'd know that voice anywhere, and I spin around to find Pandora skipping toward me. "Reg!"

"Panda?" I breathe, utterly and completely confused.

She all but slams into me, smothering me with her long, blonde hair and giggling. "Oh, I've missed you."

Over her shoulder, I watch Barty step out of the RV driver's seat, grumbling something. He spots us, pulls his sunglasses off, and grins. Evan rounds the RV behind him, looking slightly ill, and they wander over to where Pandora still has me in a vice like hold.

"Let him breathe, Pan," Evan chides gently.

Pandora slowly releases me. "Sorry, love."

"What are...what you doing here?" I ask as she steps back.

Barty snorts. "We're here for the love."

I shake my head. "Sorry. No, it's great that you're here. I'm just...surprised. How...When..."

"Well, Sirius suggested it. Thought it would be fun to surprise you," Pandora says, tilting her head as she grins at me.

I turn to find Sirius still standing behind me, hands in his swim trunk pockets and smiling. "You did?"

"Well, I just invited them. They did everything else." He shuffles awkwardly, and I think about our conversation last night.

"Thank you," I say as sincerely as I can. He waves it off, but I can see the faint blush on his cheeks.

James jogs up, grinning like a lunatic. "Who's this, then?" Before I can remind him that he absolutely knows two of the three people, his eyebrows shoot up. "Oh! Barty Crouch, is that you? And Evan Rosier?" He scoffs out a laugh and steps forward with an outstretched hand. "God, how long has it been?"

Evan blinks at him for a moment before accepting the handshake. "Um, years."

Barty shakes his hand next, grinning a bit mischievously. "I believe the last time we saw each other was in detention a week before you and Sirius graduated."

Pandora rolls her eyes. "Do I even want to know?"

"Probably not," James chuckles, reaching a hand out to her, too. "And you must be Pandora."

"Yes. James?" she asks, giving his hand a firm shake. She flicks me a little look. "Just as Regulus described."

"Am I? Hope it was all good?" James' eyes move to me as well with a little half smile.

"All good," Pandora promises.

Evan and Barty exchange a look, and the reality of what them being here means hits me. My two worlds are colliding. Evan and Barty know James and Sirius, of course. But now they're going to meet the girls and Remus. And they're going to see my crush on James written all over my face. Pandora, too. It's going to be a very, very interesting few days.

***

The visit goes pretty much exactly as I expected.

Barty and Evan, having never stayed in an RV in their lives, recruit James and Sirius to help them hook up. And then they drag me and Pandora down to the lake and insist that we get in the water rather than sit and watch. And because I can never resist their poking and prodding for long, I dip into the lake for the first time since we got here, much to the delight of James, Sirius, and Remus, who are playing an odd game of water polo near the end of the dock.

The girls come in just as Pandora is dipping one toe, and everyone is finally introduced. As expected, everyone loves Pandora. It's hard not to. And while Barty and Evan get a few raised eyebrows and shocked giggles at their antics, the group falls into easy companionship. Everyone gathers for meals and beers after dinner and s'mores around the campfire.

It's an odd hodge podge of people. Marlene and Dorcas - late twenties, photographers. Mary and Lily - late twenties, teachers. James and Sirius - mid-twenties, never went to college and now live in a bus full-time. Remus - mid-twenties, journalist. And then the four of us - college students in four very different majors. But it works somehow.

Evan and Barty hit it off well with James of all people, mostly as they reminisce on their boarding school pranking days. They pull Sirius in every once in a while - and Remus by extension - and Remus laughs freely and loudly at every story that features Sirius' scheming.

Pandora hits it off with everyone, and Sirius echoes my words from a few weeks back - she's "delightfully odd," regaling us with her theories and stories and causes. Their second night, she's telling us about our auras - colors and feelings and...everything else. It's definitely not the first time she's told me about my aura, and I watch the various reactions around the fire.

Barty and Evan are just enjoying the show. Lily and Mary have matching faces of vague, polite intrigue, expressions I'm sure they've used on their students before. Dorcas and Marlene are obviously trying to hold back giggles, but I'm not sure if that's because they actually think Panda's thoughts are ridiculous or because they're on their fourth beers of the night. Remus is smirking silently, mostly watching Sirius, who is, surprisingly, into it. And James...well, James is watching me. It's completely disconcerting.

Finally, after Pandora has made it all the way around the circle, Lily sits forward. "Pan...what did you say you were getting your degree in?"

I smirk just as she answers, "Oh, I have a double major in environmental science and biochemistry."

Marlene's jaw drops. "Shut up. That's...holy crap."

Pandora smiles. "It's a lot of work. But..." She shrugs.

"I met Pandora in freshman year biology - a mandatory class that I wanted to just...pass and be done with," I say, eyes fixed on Pandora as I sink into the memory. "Pandora, here, sat next to me on the first day and took about twenty pages worth of notes in the first week. By the end of the semester, she made sure I got straight A's and actually appreciated the beauty of biology, whatever the hell that means."

She pokes my shin where it's hanging over the arm of my camping chair. "You loved every minute of it."

"I did."

On their last night, Pandora and I end up as the last ones around the fire and slowly migrate into the bus to keep talking. She helps me pull out the couches into a bed, and we lay together and stare at the ceiling, giggling softly so we don't wake up James and Sirius.

After a beat of silence, she turns her head to stare at me. "How are you doing, Reg?"

I take a moment to think, but I already know the answer. "I'm really good, Pan. Really good. I miss you like hell."

"Oh, Reggie. I miss you, too." She rolls onto her side. "But I can see how happy you are here. I can see the way you smile. It's...It makes me happy."

"I am happy," I whisper. "I'm..."

"Staying?" she asks.

I blink at her. "Yeah, I think I'm going to. I need to make sure it's ok with James and Sirius, but I'm going to take a year off. I'm s-"

"Nope." She presses a hand to my mouth. "No apologizing for doing things that are right for you, remember?" I nod. "Good. I will miss you. A lot. But this is where you need to be. And as long as you promise to be at my graduation next Spring -"

"Mmhm," I hum through her hand and nod vigorously.

"Ok," she chuckles. "Good. Then we're good." She removes her and smirks at me. "Now, the only question is...how are you going to live with James for that long?"

I grown softly and throw an arm over my face and she giggles. "I really like him, Pan."

"I know."

"He's so...good, you know? And I just wanna..." I make grabby hands at the ceiling, and she snorts.

"Grab him?"

"Yes!"

"Then grab him, you lunatic."

It's a simple thing, really. And she's right. I could just...grab him. Hug him. He'd probably let me. And by the way he keeps looking at me, he'd do more than that. But I shrug her off, and thankfully, she lets it go.

We wake up to James making pancakes and bacon. They're only able to stay for breakfast before hitting the road to return the RV and get to the airport. Pandora hugs me for a long time, and even Evan and Barty give me lingering hugs before heading out.

I stand at the edge of our site and watch them until their RV leaves the campground and disappears. Sirius wanders up next to me and slowly, carefully, puts an arm across my shoulders. I lean into him, and he curls me closer, pressing a kiss to my temple, just like he used to do when we were kids.

It shoves a lump into my throat, but I swallow it down enough to say, "Thank you. For bringing them here."

"I - You're welcome," he says.

"I'm, um..." I swallow again. "I'm going to take year off of school. Just to...figure out what I'm doing. And...if you'll have me -"

"Yes," he interrupts. "Sorry. You were going to ask to travel with us? Yes."

I laugh. "We should ask -"

"They'll say yes. They will. I promise. We want you here."

We're almost the same height now, but I still have to crane my neck a little to look at him. It makes me feel like I'm eight years old again, conspiring on how to hide from mother in the trees all day. "Ok."