Chapter 10

Remus

I know that Regulus is right. Leaving that night was the worst way I could've reacted to the confession I've dreamed about for over a year. But the fear overpowered every last bit of joy.

James and Sirius have been accepting ever since I told them about my HIV diagnosis. I was terrified, but I trusted them. They were the first people I ever told, the only people to know outside of my parents. The girls came later, once we'd met up enough times to learn that they were caring and kind and unendingly understanding.

But there's always something in the back of my mind - my father's voice, of course - that keeps me terrified of putting even one toe wrong. I know the stigma around HIV and AIDS has changed since the eighties, but it's not gone. My father made sure to remind me of that. And I know that there's almost zero chance of transmission on my meds. But...I can't help but still be afraid. I don't want that worry hanging over my head every time we...

I shake my head and step out of my van into the crisp morning air. The rain has finally stopped, and the sun is filtering through the thin clouds. I've spent too much time in my van the last few days, and I can feel it mentally and physically. I've also spent too much time away from James and Sirius. Regulus, too. As much as his call out hurt, I needed it. And I've grown quite fond of him in the month and a half that he's been here.

It's a travel day today - as long as they haven't changed the plan in the last few days - and I wait against the hood of my van until James joins me. He gives me a long look, and I wait for another call out. James may not be as intense as Regulus, but he is just as protective of Sirius. And no matter how many times they assure me that I'm just as much their friend, they have a history and a connection that I don't.

But James surprises me by simply asking, "Are you ok?"

I blink at him. I can't really see his eyes with the morning sunlight glaring off his glasses, but he doesn't look mad, just concerned. "I'm alright. I guess. I'm sorry I didn't respond to your texts."

James only hums. "You know, you're my friend, too. I'm just as worried about you, especially when you disappear like that. I know sometimes you need it, but let me know next time, ok?"

"I will," I say and try not to let the guilt eat me alive.

Mary and Marlene stumble over a few minutes later, clutching at coffee cups and blinking blearily. They don't say anything about my absence the last few days, only confirm our route to Seattle and wander back to their campsite.

It's not a long drive from Port Angeles, and around noon, we pull into a random Walmart parking lot where we'll park until we can check into our campsite. The moment I see Sirius leaving their bus, I stop breathing. He looks tired. And when he locks eyes with me through the windshield, he smiles a tiny, sad smile and looks away. Regulus follows him out and gives me an expectant glare.

Now or never, I suppose.

Sirius tenses as I approach him, but he doesn't run. I try to calm the churning in my stomach, but it's no use. As soon as I'm close enough that no one else will hear me, I blurt, "I'm sorry, Sirius. I'm so, so sorry."

He sucks in a long breath. "Ok."

"I..." I catch Regulus glancing furtively at us as he and James chat with the girls about our plans for the day. "I want to talk. Properly."

Sirius licks his lips, eyes not quite meeting mine. "Alright."

"I know we're busy the next few days in the city, but we'll be up in the Cascades on Saturday. We planned that stargazing night. I mean, given that the weather is alright. Anyway, what I'm saying is -" I huff. "I would like to stargaze with you, Sirius. And talk a bit."

"Really?" The tenuous hope in Sirius' voice breaks my heart.

"Yes."

He nods, the tiniest of genuine smiles turning the corners of his lips. "Alright."

"Alright."

***

Regulus

I love being in the woods, I really do. And honestly, camping and hiking and exploring national parks for the last month has been amazing. But there's something about a city that makes me jittery with excitement. I suspect it's because I grew up in Boston and always loved exploring downtown. It felt so alive compared to our silent as death manor house on the outskirts.

Seattle feels similar - alive even with the overcast sky and occasional drizzle. And with Sirius and Remus having reached some sort of tentative goodwill, I don't feel quite as guilty about being so happy as we explore. We spend most of the afternoon getting our bearings and making an actual plan for the next two days.

As we wait for the train back north to where we've left the vehicles so we can check in to the campground, James announces "I added a quick stop today."

Mary groans and leans farther into Lily's side. "But we've walked so much already. And I was up so early."

"We were up at seven thirty," Marlene snorts.

"You guys don't have to come if you don't want to. It's more..." James trails off and clears his throat. "I think Regulus would like it. Remus, too."

There's a curious pinkness to his cheeks that makes my heart pound. And Sirius exchanges an odd look with Remus that makes me awfully suspicious. But I agree, curiosity overriding my wariness. Sirius and Remus agree, too. But the girls beg off and promise to check in for us at the campsite.

We all still ride the train together, but James, Sirius, Remus, and I get off at the University of Washington Station. I don't actually expect to walk through the university campus, but it seems like it's unavoidable. And while it's still overcast, it's light enough out to appreciate the university campus. There are only a few students, the campus most likely almost empty for the summer term. We pass along a long green and past a huge fountain before we end up in a large cobblestone square.

James stops in the square, turns to us, and grins.

"What on Earth are we doing here, Prongs?" Sirius asks. He's standing suspiciously close to Remus, who is definitely not moving away.

"Well, just inside this building is supposed to be one of the coolest university libraries."

I cross my arms over my chest. "You realize that I go to Harvard University, one of the oldest universities in the United States, right?"

James continues to grin, the tops of his cheeks pressing into the bottoms of his glasses. "I am aware, yes. But I think you'll like this a lot. Now, come on."

The building is very cool, I will admit, all ornate stone and tall stained glass windows. I've always loved old buildings like this, probably a byproduct of living in New England, attending a three hundred year old boarding school, and then going to Harvard. No matter how many times I see an old stone or brick building, I'm in awe. And this one is no different.

There's a grand stone staircase just inside the entrance, and James leads us up it to the reading room. And that's where my jaw drops. It's a long, narrow room with tall, vaulted ceilings and exposed stone beams. The stained glass windows we saw outside line both sides, the golden hour sunlight streaming in through the front of the building. Large lantern like chandeliers hang from the ceiling, rows upon rows of wooden tables run the length of the space, and bookshelves line the outside walls below the windows. It reminds me a bit of the freshman dining hall at Harvard.

I stand just inside the doors, dumbstruck. Remus stands next to me, jaw just as far open as mine, and even Sirius looks impressed. James is far too proud of himself, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet with his hands clasped behind his back like a child awaiting praise.

"Yes, James, this was a good surprise," I whisper, afraid to disturb the solemn quiet settled over the room.

James grins. "I knew you would like it." He starts rattling off facts about the library and the university, and something hits me. James did this for me. I mean, he did say that Remus would like it, too, and he was right. Remus would be right at home here. But James planned this for...me.

Something warm settles in my chest, an affection that startles me. This isn't some silly schoolboy crush resurrected from the dead because a boy is handsome and kind. This is an affection I haven't felt for someone in a very long time. James is handsome of course. And kind. Selfless to a fault. And this? This shows just how much he pays attention to everything I've talked to him about recently.

When he looks at me at the end of his spiel, my cheeks heat. "It's...thank you. It's beautiful."

James grin softens to a smallest, shy smile. "You're welcome."

***

James

Our time in Seattle flies by, and the next thing I know, we're in the Cascades, setting up camp and breathing in sweet mountain air. There's still an odd tension in the bus. Sirius wasn't too happy that Regulus talked to Remus, and even though Sirius and Remus seemed to have reached a tentative reconciliation, Sirius and Regulus have steered clear of each other for the most part.

It sets my teeth on edge a little, but I get it. They're at such an unstable place that even with all of the good that's happened in the last month, one uncomfortable thing is still enough to knock them back. Two steps forward, one step back and all that.

Tonight, though, is Mary's birthday, and we're doing a big communal dinner at our campsite and then going stargazing on the bank of the lake. We've all been so exhausted after trekking all over the city the last few days that we've basically gone straight to bed after getting back to the campsite. It'll be nice to have everyone together around the fire with steaks on the grill and a cake in the oven.

It's just as perfect as I thought it was going to be, and some of the tension leaks from my shoulders with the laughter and singing and the look on Mary's face when Sirius brings out her cake. Regulus is smiling, too, looser than I've ever seen him. Even Remus is relaxed, even as he glances nervously at Sirius every few minutes.

We wait until the sun is well and truly set so it's dark enough to see the stars and then flock down to the lake. Sirius pulls Remus away immediately, leaving Regulus and I alone on the dock as the girls find spots along the bank.

Regulus, again, looks relaxed and happy as he gazes up at the sky. I try to compare the boy who showed up just over a month ago with the one sitting beside me, and I can't. Regulus is tanned and freckled, well rested, and smiling as if he can't quite help it. It makes me happy in a way I can't quite explain.

He catches me staring at him and raises an eyebrow. "What?"

I know that any attempt to pretend I wasn't looking at him will just make it more obvious, so I smile. "Nothing." Regulus doesn't look convinced, so I continue, "How are you doing?"

"With what?" he asks, turning his face back toward the stars and leaning back on his hands.

"With...everything. Life. Living with us, with Sirius. Just...how are you?"

He takes a few moments to think, a small crease between his eyebrows. "I'm good. Really good, actually. Being out here..." He stops himself and shrugs. "It's just good. Good for me."

"I'm glad."

He chews on his lip. "I'm still...I'm still torn about school. I feel like I shouldn't be, but -"

"But it's all you've ever known. It takes time to figure things out."

"Yeah, well, I need to figure things out soon. Class registration is in a month. If I'm going to defer or anything like that...I need to decide soon and talk to my advisor."

I frown. "You're thinking about deferring?"

"Just for a year. To have some more time to think. I don't..." He bites at his lips again and stares down at his feet kicking over the edge of the dock. "I don't want to leave yet. I'm not ready to go back to Boston. I'm not ready to lose Sirius again."

"You won't lose him."

The furrow deepens. "I know. But it feels like it."

I pull my feet up and sit criss cross. "So, what's stopping you from deferring right now?"

He shrugs. "I'm still so confused. I want to finish my degree, to finish what I started at least. Maybe get another degree in something I actually like after, because I don't want to go into business. Even though I don't really need to work with Sirius' - our - inheritance from Uncle Alphard, I do want to. Now that I can choose, can do whatever I want, I...want. I want a lot. And really...it just feels weird not to go back to school this year. It's my senior year. I wouldn't graduate with my friends or...I don't know."

I nod slowly. "It's a lot to think about."

"It is."

"Have you told Sirius you're thinking about staying longer than the summer?"

He shakes his head. "No. Not yet. I'm...I think he'd be excited?"

"Excited?" I chuckle. "He'd be over the moon."

"Even after I meddled in his love life?"

"I think he'll get over it."

"I hope so." He huffs and lays back on the dock with his arms under his head. "Well, I'll figure it out. I have to."

I lay back with him and actually stargaze for a bit, delighted when Regulus points out a few constellations for me. It's not exactly quiet, the wildlife around us very much awake and making themselves heard. But it's still peaceful. Comforting.

A giggle from a nearby tent breaks my reverie, and I think of Remus and Sirius, somewhere further down the bank. "What do you think Remus and Sirius are talking about?"

Regulus scoffs. "It better be how madly in love Remus is with Sirius. Otherwise, I'll need to have another talk with him, whether Sirius likes it or not."

"Did Remus say that he was madly in love?" I ask, trying to remember exactly what Regulus told me when he got back from Remus' the other night.

"I believe his exact words were 'I'm crazy about him, too.' So, no. He didn't say madly in love. But he might as well have."

I breathe a laugh. "Well, I hope you're right. I hope Remus tells him. I hope Sirius forgives him. And I hope they fall madly in love, so I can be the best man at their wedding."

"You'll be Sirius' best man over my dead body, Potter."

"I would never take that from you," I scoff. "I would be Remus'. And if he wanted someone else...I would beg to be the flower boy."

Regulus cackles. "God, yes. Please. I need to see you skipping down the aisle spreading flower petals."

Warmth floods my chest. Hearing Regulus laugh is a rare thing, a sacred thing. I want to make him do it again, so I keep going, describing in detail what my outfit would be, what outrageous thing Sirius would wear, the absolute hell we'd put Lily through (because of course she'd be the wedding planner). Regulus bursts into tiny bouts of laughter that ring across the water and vibrate in every single one of my bones.

I want. I want a lot. And maybe, Regulus will let me have it.