Chapter 9

Regulus

I wake dazedly to the sun streaming through the bus windows. I'm still curled up against the couch cushions where I crashed last night. There's light snoring behind me, and I turn to find James snoozing on the other end of the couch, also curled up. Like a cat. Like an adorable, soft cat. I shake my head and sit up, trying to dislodge the thought from my brain.

Alright, so James Potter is attractive. And kind. And infuriatingly perceptive. And when he smiles at me, I feel like I'm fifteen again, sitting in James and Sirius' dorm room while James quizzes me on biology terms before exams. I had a silly school boy crush, an infatuation with the boy who had so obviously captured Sirius' entire soul. At the time, I was still convinced something was going on between the two of them, so I kept my silly little crush to myself. And after Sirius left and things fell apart, it petered out.

Or so I thought.

Now, it's back in full force. Now, I live in a two hundred and fifty square foot bus with him and my semi-estranged brother as we make our way up the west coast like we're on an extended spring break. My life is wild. I mean, it's not the strangest thing that's ever happened to me, but it's getting close.

Thankfully, James doesn't wake up while I'm staring at him. In fact, he stays dead to the world the whole time I'm in the shower and the whole time I'm attempting to make scrambled eggs and toast. The toast goes well, but the eggs cook too slowly and then too fast. And by the time I get them onto plates, they're a bit harder than I usually like. But they smell alright, so that's something.

James' head appears over the counter as I'm placing the dirty pan in the sink. His bedhead is worse than his normal wildness, and he squints at me through smudged glasses. "Morning?"

"Morning," I greet, sliding a plate toward him on the counter. "I didn't know what flavor of jam you wanted, so your toast just has butter."

"Mm, thanks." He frowns at me. "I didn't know you knew how to cook."

"I can scramble eggs, Potter." Not very well, but they're not burnt, are they? That's a win.

"I see that." He frowns again. "Where's Sirius?"

I shrug. "Must still be in bed. I haven't checked yet. I'll go get him before his eggs get cold." I wander back to Sirius' bed and tug back the curtain. He's sprawled face down in his pillow. "Sirius?"

"Mm."

"Sirius," I singsong. "There's food. You hungry?"

"Mm."

It's then that I realize he's still in the same clothes as he was last night. I'm not one to talk. I woke up in jeans and one of Sirius' t-shirts. But Sirius hates wearing clothes to bed. He insists on changing into pajamas or at least stripping down to his boxers before getting anywhere near his bed.

"Sirius? Are you alright?"

He finally pulls his face from his pillow and looks over his shoulder at me. And his face punches the air out of my lungs. "Reggie?" He rubs at one of his red rimmed eyes.

"Sirius, what's wrong?" Before I even realize what I'm doing, I'm climbing into his bed and sitting crisscross near his hip.

He shakes his head and flops back onto the pillow. "Nothing."

"Absolutely not," I say, prodding him in the shoulder. "You're upset. What is it?"

Slowly, he rolls over and stares at the ceiling. He's quiet for so long that the anxiety really starts to set in. Finally, he says, "I told Remus that I like him."

I blink at him. "Oh. And?"

Sirius' eyes flutter closed. "And he left."

"He left?"

"He just...left." Sirius' voice is hollow just like it was when we were younger and he got into a particularly horrible screaming match with Mom. It's a tone I never thought I'd ever have to hear again, and it sends a shiver down my spine.

"Ok. Tell me what happened. Exactly."

He shakes his head. "I just...I told him that I was crazy about him. And he shut down. Didn't say anything. Just said he needed to get to bed and...left."

"I don't understand this. Remus is crazy about you. I'm sure about it. The way he looks at you. Why -"

"What's going on?" James peeks his head around the curtain and frowns. Sirius drapes an arm over his face and whines. "Pads?"

I give him a grim look. "He told Remus about his crush." James' eyebrows fly up. "But it didn't go well."

His eyebrows press together again. "What? Seriously?"

Sirius whimpers. "Seriously." It's a testament to just how upset he is that he doesn't even attempt to laugh at his overused seriously/Siriusly joke.

"But...Remus? Are we talking about the same Remus Lupin? He's obsessed with you!"

I shake my head and start climbing out of Sirius' bed. "I'm going to go talk to him. This is ridiculous."

"No!" Sirius pops into a sitting position. "No, don't. Please don't."

"He hurt you, Sirius," I insist.

He grabs my wrist. "Don't. I'm humiliated enough. It's fine."

I sigh. "Fine. But I don't like it."

We manage to get Sirius out of bed and invite the girls to go see a nearby lighthouse despite the rain continuing for the fourth straight day. James invites Remus, but he comes back with a head shake and an excuse about working on an article Remus needs to get submitted soon. Sirius gives me a completely insincere smile, and my blood boils just a little. If the girls notice that anything's wrong, they don't say anything.

We grab a late lunch while we're out, warming up and drying out in a little diner not far from the campsite. Sirius doesn't eat much, and the little bubble of anger inside me grows. It feels like all the times he took punishments for me and came upstairs smiling hollowly and curling up in my bed until he fell asleep. I always knew what to do then. I'd climb in bed with him and talk to him about happy things, dreams we had of finally leaving home and making our own lives.

I'm not sure how that would be received now. And we're so... It all feels new. It's like we're getting to know each other all over again. But we also have so much history. It makes my brain hurt. But today, the hurt in Sirius' eyes overrides my awkwardness and hesitance, and I sit in his bed with him and chatter mindlessly about meeting Pandora and what I actually like about school even though I hate my major and the crazy videos that Evan and Barty have been sending me from their summer break trip to Europe.

"You should invite them to come travel with us," Sirius says just as the sun is setting and the smell of the roasted chicken and potatoes James is making wafts in from the kitchen.

I look up from my phone in surprise. "Really?"

Sirius, flat on his back and staring at the ceiling, smiles just a little. "Yeah. I mean, we don't have a whole lot of room for them to stay here, but they could always sleep in a tent or get a hotel nearby wherever we're staying. The more the merrier."

I turn the thought over in my head, trying to picture Evan and Barty sitting around the fire or kayaking or hiking. Pandora would fit more naturally, but it would be nice to see all three of them before schools starts. If I even go back to school this year. I've been toying with the idea of deferring for a year, taking a gap year. James and Sirius would let me travel with them, I'm sure. And it would help me to be away from Boston for a little while longer - more space and time to think. The one thing I would really miss is my friends.

"I'll think about it," I say.

"Good."

***

Remus' van is missing the next morning when we wake up, and I see all of the color drain from Sirius' face when he looks out the window at the empty space. The rain isn't quite as much of a downpour today, but we opt to stay inside, and the girls join us for card games and round after round of heads up until they head off to make dinner and have cozy nights in their own places.

Sirius retreats to his bed once again, and James stares after him with a pinched expression. "I'm worried about him," he murmurs to me as I chop broccoli to go in the soup James is making.

"Me, too," I whisper back. "I'm...I'm angry at Remus. Brushing him off like that, not explaining, and then disappearing...I mean, was I wrong? Does Remus not feel the same way?"

"If you were wrong, so was I. So was Mary and Lily. Hell, even Marlene - who is oblivious at the best of times - could see it. I just...I don't get it."

The anger simmering inside me flares just a little. Even if Remus doesn't feel the same, he could've said that instead of leaving Sirius to stew and think he's been cast off and abandoned. "Have you talked to him? Remus?"

"Not since I invited him to come out with us yesterday. I texted him. But he never responded. He...He does this sometimes. Retreats when he feels like he's being too much. He never says it like that, always makes an excuse about needing some quiet for an article so he went to a coffee shop. But usually, he lets us know before taking off."

I can practically feel the worry coming off of him in waves. This part of James is a big reason I was so obsessed with him in school and why I feel so fluttery now. He cares so deeply about everyone. He gives so much of himself to others. The first time I met him, he asked how I was doing and how I was adjusting to being away at boarding school so genuinely it made my head spin. Sirius had been the only other person to speak to me so kindly, so gently. It was intoxicating, and I wanted to be around him all the time.

Of course, now, I can see the toll it's taking on him - the hunched shoulders, the bags under his eyes, the crease between his eyebrows. I know now that there is a point where he can give too much of himself and shut down, covering it with a tired smile and an excuse about not sleeping well. I've only seen it happen a couple times, and I didn't understand it then. But I do now.

I'm not entirely sure how to comfort him, but I try my best. "I'm sure he's fine, James. I don't think Remus would disappear forever without at least texting. I might be angry at him, but I know he's a good guy. I understand why Sirius is so head over heels for him."

James' lips quirk. "Yeah, he's a good guy. That's why...I don't know what's going on with him. Walking out without saying anything after Sirius told him...that doesn't sound like something he would do. I'm just so...confused?"

I nod slowly and finish chopping in silence. I'm just sitting on the couch to read while James finishes dinner when Remus' van pulls slowly back into his spot. James catches my eye, and we both watch and wait for Remus to appear. He doesn't, and it takes me a few minutes to realize the he probably just climbed into the back of his van. I set my jaw and glance at James again.

"I'm going to go talk to him," I say quietly.

James sucks in a deep breath through his nose and nods. "Tell him to text me back, yeah?"

I agree and make my way down the bus stairs and over the few feet between vehicles. I pound on the back double doors and call, "Lupin! It's Regulus." A particularly large drop of rain hits the back of my neck as I wait, and I shiver. "Remus? Seriously. I'm all wet."

The doors click open, and I slide inside, trying to keep as much water out as possible. It's the first time I've been inside Remus' van. I've caught glimpses, but I take a more detailed look around as Remus slides back toward the front. It's a tiny space but Remus has made it work quite well. The right side is a long bench with storage underneath. The left has built in cabinets and a countertop. There's a sink near the back doors and a screen mounted behind the front seats connected to Remus' laptop resting on a little pull out counter extension. It's simple. A little too small for me, but I don't have to live in it.

Remus wakes up his laptop, completely avoiding my gaze. "What's up?"

I stare at him incredulously. "What's up?" I snap, patting at the wetness on the back of my neck with my hands. "What do you mean 'what's up'? You have to know why I'm here."

"I guess."

"You guess? Are you kidding me?" The fury building in my chest spills over, and all I can see if Sirius' empty eyes and blank smile. "You blow Sirius off after he confesses and then disappear for two days, and you have the nerve to ask what's up? Do you even care about my brother?"

Remus' head snaps up. "Of course I care I about him. I'm...I'm crazy about him, too."

"Then why? Why treat him like that?" Remus lowers his eyes to my feet. "Remus, you hurt him. And I need to know why."

"I..." Remus licks his lips and slumps back against the wall. It takes all of my remaining patience to wait as he takes a few deep breaths. Finally, he squeezes his eyes shut and says, "I have HIV."

I freeze and stare at the side of Remus' face. For a moment, I study him and notice the bags under his eyes and the way his hands fidget. It's not uncommon to see him tired, but he looks...ill. Almost as bad as Sirius. "Does Sirius know?"

Remus nods. "Yes. And James. And the girls."

I frown. "Then...I'm still confused. If he knows...what's the problem?"

"I can't...I won't burden him with that. What if he... What if I give him..."

"Remus...are you on treatment?" He nods. "And how have your labs been? Chance of transmission?"

"I haven't..." Remus clears his throat. "I haven't specifically asked."

"Well, from what I know, as long as you're keeping up with your treatment and checking in on labs, there's an almost zero chance of transmission."

Remus blinks at me. "How do you -"

"A good friend of mine is HIV positive. I...was there when he found out." Barty's trembling hands and terrified eyes will forever be burned into my memory. His fear is echoed in Remus' eyes - the fear of abandonment, of being seen as less than. But Sirius and James already know. There's no doubt about acceptance. "Remus...Sirius already knows. And he still likes you, he still told you he likes you. He still wants to be with you. What... Why?"

"I'm still scared," Remus whispers. "I...I know I didn't handle the other night the right way. I'm just so scared, Regulus."

I lean forward. "Then talk to him, Remus. He'll understand. But right now, he thinks you hate him." Remus flinches. "Talk to him, alright?" He nods, and I take it as my cue to leave. Before I open the door, though, I say, "Remus, this doesn't change the way I see you. I'm pissed at you for breaking my brother's heart, but you're a good guy. And I see why Sirius is so obsessed with you. If you make this right, I think we could even be friends."

Remus smiles, almost against his will, it seems. "You were so quiet when you got here."

I snort. "I tend to be very protective when it comes to Sirius. Even if I've let him down the last few years."

"He's happy you're here, you know. Over the moon. He's missed you."

"I've missed him."

"I know."

I pull on the door handle and fix him with one last look. "Talk to him. Soon."