Chapter 8

Sirius

It's raining. And it's been raining for two days. As soon as we pulled into our campground outside Port Angeles, Washington, the clouds moved in, and the heavens opened. We braved the downpour yesterday to take a ferry across the bay to Vancouver Island. But after sloshing through the streets of Victoria for almost eight hours, the group decided to take an inside day.

Unfortunately, an inside day is a bit more cramped when living in a bus. By noon, I'm pacing from the driver's seat to the beds while scrolling on my phone.

"Pads, I beg of you. Sit down," James pleads.

"Can't." I kick the bottom of his foot as I pass where he's sprawled on the couch doing something on his laptop. "Too much energy."

"Maybe you should run around the block," Regulus suggests. He's curled up on the other couch with a book. If only I could focus enough to read.

"Or maybe we could get Moony to take him on a walk."

"Hilarious." I reach the front of the bus again and turn on my heel to head to the back.

James sighs. "Here's an idea. Why do you take Reg to the store and get snacks, and we can have a movie night? We'll beg Remus to come over and tease him mercilessly for his abysmal taste in movies."

I pause next to the bathroom and look at James over my shoulder. He's smiling encouragingly. I must be really annoying if James is begging me to leave. It would be nice to get out of the bus and spend some one on one time with Regulus.

"Reggie? Down for a field trip?" I ask.

He sighs heavily and looks up from his book. "Must I?"

"And people call me the drama queen," I mumble, earning an eyebrow raise from James. "You don't have to. But I would appreciate the company."

"Ok." He sticks a bookmark between the pages and stands, stretching. James does a double take over his laptop, and I try not to make a face. "Only if we can get some tacos or something. I'm starving."

James snaps out of his trance and sits up. "Yes! Please. That sounds amazing."

"Text me what you want," I say, pulling out my phone and typing out a text to Remus. "I'll ask Remus, too."

We only get half soaked running to the Jeep, and we're quiet on the way to the store. It's been almost a month now since Regulus called and flew out here, and this definitely isn't the first time we've talked or had time alone. But it's still...awkward. I want the awkward to go away.

Regulus snags a cart from inside the front doors when we get to Walmart, and it's only then that I realize we've never gone grocery shopping together. It feels oddly normal, though, walking next to him as he pushes the cart. Remus' snack request is light and far too healthy for a movie night, so I throw in the chocolate I know he likes along with the fruit he asked for. We grab James' chips, and Regulus claims some Cheetos for himself, looking weirdly shy about it. I throw in some Twizzlers and Skittles, and we start heading toward the checkout.

But I get distracted by the clothing section and make a beeline for the flannels and puffer jackets.

"Sirius, what are you doing?" Regulus asks, struggling to maneuver the cart through the clothing racks.

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm looking at clothes." I pull a puffer jacket off a hanger and hold it up. "What do you think?"

Regulus raises an eyebrow. "Definitely not you."

I snort and unzip the jacket to pull it on. "How do you know what's me? I don't even know what's me."

He scoffs. "Yeah right. You always knew exactly who you were, Sirius. And you let everyone know it. Including our parents."

Well, I wanted to talk, didn't I? And here we are. Talking. I don't really want to talk about my second identity crisis in the middle of the men's section at Walmart, but oh well.

"Well, I had a realization that a lot of what I thought I liked when I was in my rebellious phase were things I knew Mother and Father would hate." The puffer jacket is nice, but the sleeves are way too short. "They hate rock music. They hate leather jackets. They hate motorcycles. They hate the Potters."

Regulus looks up sharply from where he's browsing a rack of black jeans. "You think you were only friends with James because our parents hated his parents?"

"No!" I blurt. "God, no. I love James. I wouldn't be living in a two hundred and fifty square foot space with him if I didn't." I tilt my head to the side. "But it definitely was a perk that it pissed Mother off."

"So, this..." He waves at me pulling a purple flannel off a hanger. "You dressing like a stereotypical local in every state you visit - "

"I do not." I absolutely do. But I've managed to make it seem like it's for fun and not a way to test what my actual style preferences are. Trust Regulus to see right through it.

Regulus gives me another look. "You were wearing a pooka shell necklace when you picked me up from the airport. Don't get me wrong, you pulled it off. You can pull pretty much anything off, but you haven't worn it since LA. You've been slowly morphing into a crunchy, granola hipster since we hit the Oregon border." He pulls a pair of jeans off the rack and holds them up. "Are you trying to find yourself?"

I wrinkle my nose. "Well, it sounds weird when you say it like that."

"James...talked about you trying to figure out what was you and what was our parents. And travelling and stuff was part of that. Is that...was that what he was talking about?"

I nearly drop the flannel shirt I'm attempting to put on over my long sleeve. "You've been talking to James about me?"

He blushes slightly and avoids my eyes. He looks like he did was he was fifteen and I was asking about his crush. I think of James' look earlier and the conversation we had the other day. I'm not quite as oblivious as some people think I am, and I saw the way James looked at Regulus when we were in school. It was only when I walked in on him gazing at Regulus while he slept that I realized I'd seen him look at Regulus like before. I'm sure he pushed his feelings for Regulus aside when we had our falling out. Because that's just who James Potter is. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about my best friend dating my brother. But I at least know that James would treat Regulus right.

"We weren't talking about you," Regulus says softly. "We were talking about me, and you came up. Briefly. You know, he asks the most infuriating questions."

"Tell me about it," I huff. "Even when we were sixteen, he'd ask something or say something that felt like he'd looked at my soul. Nearly bit his head off a couple times before I realized he didn't mean to piss me off."

"Anyway, he said that it took you a while to sort out what you wanted and what our parents wanted for you."

"Ah, yes. That was my first identity crisis. This is the second."

Regulus stares at me like I've got three heads. "But...you're Sirius. Sirius Black. My brother. My - " He swallows and looks around like he's looking for something to cling to. "If you don't know who you are, who does?"

He looks so shaken that I step toward him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Reggie?"

"Because I certainly don't know who I am. Who am I supposed to -"

"Reggie. Breathe." He sucks in an aborted breath. "Listen, no one knows who they are. Especially not twenty somethings. But that doesn't mean you're lost, Reg. And you're not alone."

The next breath he takes is deeper, but he still won't look at me. "Sorry."

"No, Regulus, look at me." He peers up at me through his eyelashes. "You can still come to me. You did come to me. And I'm so glad you did. I can help. James and Remus can help. The girls can help. God knows they've got their lives together."

He huffs a weak laugh. "Ok."

"Now what's on your mind?"

Slowly, he tells me about not wanting to go into business with Father (obviously) or into business at all but how late it is to change his major. He admits he's not even sure if he wants to go back to school, at least until he figures out what he wants to do.

"What would you change your major to?" I ask as we're carrying our loot to the car.

"History. Or literature. But I don't know."

"Well, whatever you want to do, you have me."

He smiles all the way through the Taco Bell drive through. And as we're driving back to the campsite, crawling down the road out of Port Angeles and peering through the downpour, he speaks up again.

"So, does James know about this second identity crisis?"

"No."

"Why not?"

I shrug. "Mostly just haven't told him. I've kind of...played it off as blending in with the locals. I did that before anyway, just not this much. And...I don't know."

"What?"

I bite at my lip and consider my next words carefully. It's not a thought I've voiced to anyone yet. I want to tell Regulus. I want to tell Regulus everything. But we're at such a cautious place, I don't want to ruin it. I don't know what will ruin it.

"Sirius?"

"Well," I hedge. "James and I...James became friends with that Sirius Black. The one who loved rock music and motorcycles and leather jackets and knew who he was. Or thought he did. What if - " I cut myself off. It's too painful to even think about.

Regulus once again looks at me like I've gone completely crazy, but he's gentle when he says. "Sirius, James isn't going to dump you because you don't like motorcycles anymore."

"I know, but -"

"No, you're being stupid. James Potter adores you. You'd think the two of you were dating if you didn't make heart eyes at Remus every other second." I gape at him, and he does a double take at me. "Get your eyes back on the road. And don't look so surprised. You'd have to be blind not to see how you two look at each other. But seriously, you should talk to James about this. And Remus. They'd both help. I know they would."

"I..." I can't quite process everything Regulus is saying and make sure I don't drive off the road at the same time. "I'm figuring it out. It's fine."

"Sirius."

"What? I am! I already know I still like rock music and leather jackets and motorcycles. I'm just...branching out, I guess. I don't need James and Remus getting all..." I bite my lip and try to put to words the dread I have telling James and Remus that I have yet another weird problem I need their help with. I already feel like enough of a mess without letting a bout of self-doubt dampen our perfect summer.

"Getting all...nice? Friendly? Helpful? God forbid." Regulus rolls his eyes, but he's smiling, too. And I revel in the un-awkwardness of it all.

The rain lightens just enough for us to get the food and get inside without getting completely drenched. Remus has migrated to the bus, still damp at the shoulders, and he jumps up to grab bags and deposit them on the counter. James emerges from the bedroom, carrying a pile of blankets and pillows, and we all get to work pulling the couches out into the bed position and arranging the bedding.

We argue over what to watch as we eat tacos and burritos. And then we argue over the snacks as we watch the movie. Peace only comes once we've all claimed what we want and settled comfortably to face the TV mounted above the windshield. James and Regulus take one side, curled up under their respective blankets. James blushes slightly when I raise an eyebrow at him and scoots just a little farther away from Regulus and toward the counter under the guise of reaching for his soda.

Remus ends up next to me propped against the back of the couch with his unending legs sprawled out in front of him. Regulus gives him as exasperated look when Remus kicks him for the fourth time and apologizes with a wheezing laugh. I can't help but stare at the few inches of distance between Remus' thigh and mine for most of the movie.

Tonight, I do something about those awful three inches. Halfway through the movie, I slide down and plop my head in Remus' lap. Remus doesn't even flinch, just smiles, moves his snacks, and slides his fingers into my hair. It's not like we've never been physically affectionate before, but it feels bigger tonight. After that night around the fire a couple weeks ago and what Regulus said in the car earlier, I'm a lot more convinced that Remus feels something for me, too. And this just adds to it.

Remus keeps his hand in my hair for the rest of the movie and uses it to get my attention once the credits start rolling. He gestures across the bus with his head. James and Regulus have both passed out in almost exactly the same position just half a foot apart.

I snort. "Figures they'd both fall asleep during a classic."

"Do you think -" Remus cuts himself off and shakes his head. "Never mind."

"What?"

"It's silly."

"No. What?"

"Do you think they would ever...date?"

I snort again. "Yes. Well, James would definitely date Regulus. I think Regulus likes him back, but I haven't gotten confirmation yet."

Remus stares down at me with raised eyebrows. "I knew about James. But Regulus?"

"I'm not one hundred percent certain yet, but I have my suspicions. Especially after our shopping trip."

"How is Regulus doing?"

I smile at the genuine concern in Remus' eyes. "Good, I think. We had a good talk at the store today. Felt more natural than it has since he got here."

"That's great." He gazes at Regulus. "He's a good kid, you know. A lot like you."

"You know he's only a few years younger than you," I remind him, shuffling into a sitting position as close as I dare.

"Yeah, but he still feels like a kid. I feel protective about him, I guess." Remus shifts and frowns. "Is that weird? He's not my brother."

I shake my head. "No, but you care deeply about people, Re. That's what you do."

Remus blushes slightly and ducks his head. "Yeah, well. It doesn't help that he's important to you. And you're important to me."

Something warm and bubbly rises in my chest, and I can't help but blurt, "God, Remus, do you have any idea how I feel about you?" Remus' entire body freezes, and I swallow around my dry tongue. "I mean it, Re. I've liked you since the day we met you at that rest stop in Colorado. You're gorgeous and funny and brilliant and kind. And I'm captivated by you."

I watch Remus' face go oddly blank, and my stomach drops.

"Remus?"

He licks his lips and digs his phone out from beneath the blankets. "It's, uh, it's late. I should get to bed."

"Remus," I gasp.

But he's already scrambling over the bed and down the bus stairs, only grabbing his shoes at the last moment and disappearing into the rain.