Chapter 7

Remus

Being in Oregon reminds me of camping every summer with Mom. She always took a week off in the summer, drove up to the northern part of Wisconsin and rent a little cabin for the two of us. We spent the week stargazing and building fires and hiking through the forest and along the shore of the lake. Of course, Oregon's shore is the ocean, but with the stars out and the fire going in our campsite, it feels like I could look over and find Mom attempting to read that year's romance by the light of the fire.

Instead, I look over and find James cackling at some joke Lily just made. Lily, sitting with a lap full of Mary even though they finally picked up a chair for Regulus and she doesn't need to give up her chair anymore, is laughing too, looking quite pleased with herself. Dorcas and Marlene are both in their own chairs, but they're scooted close and holding hands as they watch Lily and James amusedly. Regulus and Sirius have a cautious foot between them, but they're talking. They've been talking more the last week or so, and I can see the joy on Sirius' face every time Regulus strikes up a conversation unprompted.

It's late, later than we normally stay up on a night before a driving day. But it's nice out. The sky is clear. The campground is quiet for once, all of the kids and dogs asleep. And we're all pleasantly buzzed on cheap wine and a million s'mores. I like nights like this.

When I started travelling, it was out of a desperate desire to escape Wisconsin. I'd never seen anywhere outside of the Midwest and one tiny trip across the border to Canada. At the time, I was writing painfully shallow news articles for MSN and convinced my boss to let me work remotely. And I took off. I was always a bit of a loner, so travelling solo didn't bother me much. It was only when I ran into James and Sirius at a rest stop in Colorado six months in that I realized what was missing - someone to travel with. They insisted we travel together, and it's never been in question since. And when the girls join, it feels like a little family reunion, a haven from the world.

If only seven-year-old Remus could see me now.

Marlene and Dorcas are the first to call it a night. Lily and Mary wander off soon after. James makes three more s'mores, talking with his mouth full as he tells us about a crazy client his dad is dealing with before he disappears, too. Regulus, Sirius, and I sit in comfortable silence for another half an hour. Sirius is fidgety. He doesn't sit still or stay quiet well, but I can see that he's trying to just enjoy the moment.

"I'm going to head in," Regulus announces.

I expect Sirius to follow, but he doesn't budge, just tilts his head back to look at Regulus. "You can pull the couch out. I'll climb over you."

Regulus narrows his eyes at him. "I don't know if I can trust you to climb over me without stepping on a vital organ."

"Excuse me. I'm as graceful as a ballerina."

"Yeah, a drunk one," I mutter.

Sirius splutters, and Regulus snorts into a guffaw. "Sirius, he knows you too well."

"Yeah, yeah." Sirius waves a hand at him. "Do whatever you want. But I promise not to step on you."

We all trade goodnights, and I watch Regulus climb the stairs into their bus. "He seems to be more comfortable."

"Yeah, he does." Sirius' little smile says it all.

Of course, unlike James, I hadn't seen Sirius and Regulus together before he showed up. Sirius talked about him all the time, little stories and memories that he'd drop into conversations. It took me a while to recognize the slight hint of pain that always flashed across his features, even if the story was happy. And it wasn't until last summer that Sirius told me more of the story between him and his brother - and more about his childhood in general. I knew things before then - he never talked about his parents except to make jokes about how horrible they were, he referred to James' parents as Mom and Dad frequently enough I wondered if they'd legally adopted him, and he always brushed off the scars littering his back as "accidents."

But on a night much like tonight in the mountains of Wyoming, he told me about his parents and Regulus and running away and James' parents taking him in. He looked slightly horrified once he realized how much he'd told me. We'd been travelling together for over a year at that point, and I hated that he felt like I was going to judge him or think him too much for telling me his darkest secrets. I was already head over heels in love, and I wanted him to know that nothing was going to change our friendship or scare me away.

So, I opened up, too. I told him some of my darkest secrets and showed him my own scars, the ones lining my upper arms and inner thighs. He stared at me that night like I was the brightest star in the sky. It was the first time I even hoped that he had similar feelings for me - or at least might one day.

"And how are you doing?" I ask softly.

He smiles again. "Good. I'm good, Moony. Really. It's brought a lot of stuff up, of course. Things I thought I was over or at least better with. But it's good, too. I missed him."

"I know you did."

Sirius sits forward and pokes at the log in the fire with his roasting stick. "What about you? How are you doing?"

"Me? I'm fine."

"Oh, I need more than that," Sirius scoffs. "We haven't had much time together just the two of us lately. How's your writing going? Any interesting articles lately?"

I wobble my head and try not to giggle in delight that he wants one on one time with me. "Yes and no. I've gotten some real dud offers the last couple of weeks - blogs just trying to make money off affiliate links and Google Ads. I mean...I guess that's how blogs make money, but you can always tell which ones only care about cramming as many links in as possible and which ones actually want to inform and/or entertain their audience." I sigh. "But it's money either way. The one I'm really excited about is this feature piece for an outdoor adventure blog that reached out last week. They saw I was in Oregon and want a big...travel blog basically about our trip through Oregon and Washington."

"That's great." Sirius grins. "Do I get to read it before you send it in?"

"Of course. Always."

His eyes are lit up strikingly by the fire, and I am captivated. With him leaning forward in his chair, I could easily reach out and touch him. I want to. My fingers itch to know what his hair feels like and to trace the shape of his cheekbones. But I'm terrified. And there are so many reasons to be terrified.

Sirius looks up from the flames and catches me staring. And I'm stuck. I can't look away. I can't breathe. He's looking at me like I'm the most interesting person he's ever seen, like he never wants to look away.

And his eyes drop to my lips.

And the moment is broken. I can't do this. I can't be the person Sirius needs. I can't kiss him. I can't.

I stand from my chair and gather my phone and water bottle. "Um. I'm gonna to go to...yeah. I'll see you tomorrow."

Sirius blinks rapidly. "Oh. Um. Ok."

"G-Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

***

James

"Moony! I didn't know you were a professional kayaker!" Sirius calls from where he's struggling to get out of the long grass at the edge of the lake. Remus is gliding through the water like he belongs there and flashes a shy smile at Sirius.

He does a comical double take and turns his kayak deftly. "Don't worry, Pads. I'm coming to help."

"No, no," Sirius insists. "I'm fine. I've got it."

He does not, in fact, have it, and Remus has to tug on the handle at the front of Sirius' kayak to get him unstuck. I watch their interaction from the dock, completely befuddled. Four days ago, Remus wouldn't look Sirius in the eye, and Sirius looked like a kicked puppy. And today, they're back to being their banter-y, not-so-subtle-flirting-that's-obvious-to-everyone-but-them selves. Maybe it's the sunshine. Maybe it's the water. Maybe it was the trip to a drag club last night in Portland. Maybe they've decided to ignore it. They're good at that.

Sirius paddles over to me painstakingly, grinning and squinting. "Prongsie, can you grab my sunglasses from the bus? I'm going blind out here."

"'Course." I shove my wet feet into flip flops and slosh my way across the campground.

The A/C kicks on as soon as I open the bus door. It's almost too cold in here, which is probably why Regulus has chosen to curl up on the couch under a blanket in a patch of sunlight like a cat. He clearly fell asleep reading, his book now laying not quite flat next to his outstretched hand. The other hand is curled under his chin, and his hair is splayed out on one of the cushions he's using as his pillow. The desire to crawl in behind him and hold him tight nearly overwhelms me, and I go in search of Sirius' sunglasses to try to ignore it.

I check four different places and come up empty handed, so I head for the door, prepared to tease Sirius mercilessly about losing his "favorite sunglasses" for the sixth time in as many weeks. But I'm stopped by the frown on Regulus' face. He was so peaceful, looking more relaxed than I've ever seen him. But now, there's a furrow between his eyebrows, his breath is uneven, and his fingers are twitching.

Without really thinking about it, I crouch down and run my fingers through his hair. The frown deepens for a moment and then smooths out, leaving his face soft and peaceful once again.

The door clicks open, and I only have enough time to pull my hand back before Sirius is at the top of the bus stairs. He opens his mouth but freezes at the sight of me squatting in the middle of the bus, probably looking guilty as hell. His eyes flick back and forth between me and Regulus, who is still asleep and blissfully unaware of my impending panic.

When Sirius doesn't say anything for several long moments, I stand, clear my throat, and whisper, "Um, I couldn't find your sunglasses. Not sure where you put -"

Sirius steps toward me and lays a hand on my arm. "Just don't hurt him, ok?" I can't quite read the look on his face.

"What?"

"Take care of him." His eyes shift, and this look I know - protective older brother Sirius. I haven't seen it in years, and it's never been directed at me.

"You know I will, Sirius," I promise. "But nothing's...happened. I don't even know if he likes me back."

Sirius smiles slightly. "Who wouldn't like James Potter?"

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Look, nothing's happened. And I'm not...trying to have anything happen. It's only been a few weeks since he left home, since you two have been back in touch. I don't want to ruin that."

"Thanks, Prongs." Sirius looks down at Regulus. "I'm glad he's sleeping. I don't think he's been sleeping well."

I study Sirius' face and feel sixteen again, comforting Sirius as he worried about how Regulus was faring his first Christmas alone - if he was sleeping, if he was isolating himself, if he was eating enough. I was worried if Sirius was sleeping and eating enough. He shared my double bed with me for the first three months he lived with us even though Mum and Dad's house has five bedrooms, a basement suite, and a guest apartment above the garage. And he was more worried about Regulus than himself. I wonder if he's told Regulus that.

"He'll be ok," I murmur as Sirius continues staring. "We'll make sure of it."

"I know." He snaps out of his daze and carefully reaches behind the couch cushion. Out of absolutely nowhere, he produces his sunglasses. When he catches my gaping look, he smiles sheepishly. "I remembered I was wearing them on the couch last. I knew you wouldn't be able to find them."

And he's gone, skipping down the stairs and toward the lake. I shake my head and, with one last look at Regulus, follow him. Sirius is slowly getting into his kayak when I catch up with him at the pier. Remus holds his kayak as steady as he can, and still Sirius almost topples into the water no less than five times.

"God, this is ridiculous," Sirius breathes once he's finally in, paddle in hand.

"You didn't have to get back in, Pads," Remus says.

"And admit defeat? Absolutely not!" Sirius pushes off dramatically and glides shakily toward the center of the lake where the girls have formed a little floating island.

Remus pulls closer to the edge of the dock, staring at me with his eyebrows pressed together. "All good, James?"

"Hm? Yeah. All good."

"Very convincing. What's up?"

I hesitate for a moment before blurting, "I like Regulus."

Remus' eyebrows jump up. "Oh."

"And Sirius knows."

"And he didn't punch you?"

"No."

"He didn't forbid you from asking Regulus out?"

"Nope."

"What did he say?"

I sigh. "He just said to take care of him."

Remus sighs too. "Wow.

"Yeah. Wild. I thought... Well, I wasn't sure what he'd do actually. I just planned to never act on it."

"And now?"

I shrug. "I don't know. I don't know if Regulus likes me back. And also... I mean, I told Sirius this, too. Regulus has been through a lot lately. He's just barely back in Sirius' life. I don't want to mess that up, you know?"

"Yeah." Remus looks out at Sirius, now being pulled into the girls' floating island.

"And I don't know where it would go. Regulus will be going back to Boston in the fall. Would we do long distance? And in the meantime, we live together. We're travelling together. I don't want to make that weird."

Remus suddenly looks exhausted. "Yeah. I get that."

"I know you do, Moons." I consider for a moment and let my curiosity win out. "What happened between you two the other day?"

He frowns at me skeptically. "What do you mean?"

"You wouldn't look Sirius in the eye for a whole twenty-four hours."

A blush rises behind his freckles. "Oh. Well...we had a thing. A moment. A moment when I thought...well, I thought we were going to...something was going to happen. But I pulled back."

"Why? Remus! Did you think - "

"I don't know," he groans. "I'm second guessing it now. It was late. I'd had wine. He was there with the fire and the night, and he was staring at me. But maybe I imagined it. Maybe I wanted it to be true. And even if he did want to have a...moment, I'm scared, James."

I have a feeling that he's scared about more than being making it awkward because we travel together. But I don't ask. Not yet.

Instead, I say, "Well, we'll be terrified of liking the Black brothers together."

"Glad you could join the club."