52: Beginning

**This chapter will only tell the important events that happened in the months listed**

January

Waking up, I had a pounding vibrating feeling that was moving throughout my whole head. I felt a bottle in my grasp that was empty. Now figuring out why i had that headache.

It was only Saturday and looking at the clock it was two in the afternoon. At this point, I barely cared. I was slowly falling apart and didn't want anything at the moment.

It was the next day after the party and I was drained. I could feel the hang over lasting for more than just today. I pulled out the small vile that was in my nightstand drawer and I poured the liquid that was inside of it, onto my tongue. It was a sobering potion that Ro made.

Getting up, I had this sudden urge for hunger. Maybe it was because I skipped supper and even got High and drunk on an empty stomach.

——————-

After taking a nice and long shower, I put on some clean clothes like blue trousers and the other sweater Ms.Weasley knitted and gifted me on my birthday. The sweaters were so warm and went well with the cold weather. My hair was still done in the blown out soft and fluffy curls from last night since I was too lazy to wash it. While I was slipping my feet into my socks and shoes, I noticed the anklet still on...but I kept it there. It helped.

I rushed and made my way to the hall before the food would've got absolutely demolished and each step I took, made me even hungrier. The closer I got, I realized the food is what I just needed.

My mates weren't anywhere so they most likely haven't been up yet or they ate and left. The first person I noticed was 'Mione sitting at her house table all by herself. So, I went towards her.

"Afternoon 'Mione" I said in a dull tone.

"Oh-Afternoon Em, are you alright?" She asked as I sat next to her but my back to the table and my front facing the outside of where her back faced.

"Honestly" I said while tilting my head and neck back. "I haven't been." I said as I looked up at the lovely ceiling that had lit floating candles. My elbows resting on the edge of the table as my neck reached back with my eyes closed.

"Well I know one reason why...and maaaaaybe" she dragged. "If you tell him the truth, he could stop asking me about you" she whispered.

"What?" I shot my head back up to face her. "What do you mean?"

"I'm not telling you until you tell him." She scowled. "You should be grateful George hid your Christmas gift to Fred, in his drawers back at the burrow"

I picked up a waffle that was behind me and I started to eat it to avoid Hermione's comment. I had totally forgot about him receiving the actual gift. As I grabbed another waffle, I could hear some loud footsteps and laughing as a ground entered the hall.

Coming in was George, Lee, and of course...Fred. Seeing him had made me fall in love even more. But, only George and Lee were laughing. Fred was tucked off to the side scratching the back of his neck.

I looked closer at Fred's neck and seen two or three marks on him. My heart sunk deeply at the sight of him now. I moved my eyes away from him and felt the hot tears boil with my blood, remembering last night.

The girls...they must've got what they were wishing for.

Realizing I was still at the Gryffindor table, I had stood back up and just grabbed a cup of orange juice. I heard the footsteps come in closer and closer and as I looked back up, My eyes met Fred's.

If he got what I think he did last night, he sure didn't look pleased. I shook the contact away and walked back to the entrance of the hall, rushing out.

I wanted to just punch and push Fred away but I couldn't. It's not like he knows or remembered what we had.

——————————

February

It's been a month now of avoiding Fred. Ever since the day I seen the marks on his neck, I haven't been the same. I would shoot looks at him during meals when I would pick and play with my food instead of eating it. But as soon as his eyes would look up, I would turn mine. Hermione did tell me that the girls had snogged Fred but he left before anything went further because he was some how uncomfortable.

"So what's the plans for tonight huh?" Rosetta asked Amelia.

"How about we make tonight a girls night again" Lia suggested.

I stopped playing with my food to look up at the two as we were eating supper. "What?" I furrowed my brows. "But it's Valentine's Day, why don't you two do something with your lovers" I spat, but I wasn't angry. It was just something in me that looked at them as if they were being serious.

"Well we haven't went out in a while" Lia said."and we mean as in just us three" she added in a rude tone.

"Whats got you on edge? It's our last year and you've been such a bitch lately" Rosetta scowled.

I realized the energy had changed to match mine, and I just couldn't seem to be happy anymore or to even put on a fake smile.

"I just thought it would be good for you two to spend the time you have with your significant other before they don't remember you at all anymore" I replied to them. "But I mean, what are the odds. Right?". My tone was harsher this time. "Doesn't even matter. Just let me be a bitch"

It was quiet after but I didn't regret what I said. All of my feelings were the same and I could feel something in me that made it seem like maybe even he felt the same. But how?

Rosetta's hand reached from across the table to hold mine before she spoke. "Em I didn't mean to —-"

"I need some Air" I blurted out.

It hit me that I was just so out of it. I couldn't really do much without thinking about Fred and everything else. How could someone just push this behind them? I rushed out the hall, letting my robe flow behind me as I walked out.

As I made my way out fully, I felt a hand wrap around my wrist to pull me back.

"What the hell—" I yelped.

"We need to talk. Away from here" George said and gestured to move away from the hall.

I looked to where he was looking inside of the hall and his eyes were on Fred. I watched as Fred had his arms on the table and his head down while his hands combed through his hair. He seemed stressed.

I nodded my head and so George pulled me to follow him into the empty corridors. He leaned on the wall as I stood away from him.

"Well?" I looked up and down at his body and he was nervous about something. "What is it" I asked again.

"It's Fred. He has been waking up so fucking early and leaving" George spat out as he bit his lip and his foot was tapping on the ground. "Lee and I suspected that it was you he was running off to but...." he stopped.

"But....but what?" I tried not to think too much about Fred sneaking out with another girl but that's where my mind went straight to.

"But he goes off to some bloody fountain." George said. "Lee and I followed him and this bloke stares into a fountain and then comes back to the dorm like nothing happens. He barely gets sleep"

The thoughts of Fred and I at the fountain after the ball had came in my solid memory. The chances of Fred even remembering that was slim.

George stood up from the wall. "He's growing paranoid" he added.

"What are you suggesting I should do? I mean he told me I was in a few dreams but I—- I just don't know how to explain that..." I stopped

"That what?"

"That I'm still in love with him." I whispered. "He's not the only one losing sleep. It just hurts having to live with this shit" I took my hands and began to pull on my hair from the scalp. Wishing I could forget everything myself.

"I know" he looked down as I was on the brink of another break down.

"No! You don't know. You don't know George" I yelled, with a few tears falling all over again. "Is that all anyone could say? Everyone expects me to just push this in the past and I can't—-I can't put on a smile pretending I'm over all of this"

George had pulled me into a hug and all I could imagine was that I was in Fred's arms. The comfort was different and it wasn't the same from the ones I love. George's height and body did feel similar to Fred's but it was not the same.

Everything wasn't the same as before.

——————————-

March

From the end of February and the start of March, all I've done was wake up early and attend my only class. I only had one class which was charms and it was in the morning. It's the only class that all seventh years had to take and others had to repeat most classes as well in order to Graduate. Luckily I passed all of mine.

After, I would go back to my dorm and just rest in my toxic living for a while before studying. It became unhealthy as I felt like a prisoner even though I could literally free myself. I would ignore the invites to hogsmeade with my mates as it was just another way for me to dwell on past memories.

Rosetta and Amelia would stop by my dorm with food and their problems to talk about. Sometimes we'd even get High as fuck and either sleep it off or just laugh till we fell asleep.

This isn't how I expected my last year to end but it looked like it was going to end up like that anyways.

More of the unusual, I would take trips to the library to study for the N.E.W.T.s even though I'm pretty sure my head was filled on just F.R.E.D.

—————

It was the end of March and the Gryffindor's were throwing a party for their quidditch win against Hufflepuff.

My mind was elsewhere while we practiced for quidditch earlier this month, so Grey said it would be best if I took a break. And so, I am on a break. Maybe not even playing again for the rest of the season.

So tonight, I found myself drowning in books that would help me pass my N.E.W.T.s. I didn't really need to take it since I knew that I would be working with my parents in their lovely "Snow's Sports Shop". I didn't really mind by the way but I was uncertain about my future still so maybe the N.E.W.T.s would help choose my path.

"Alright Dear, you know what to do. Don't stay too long and remember to lock up" Madam Pince smiled nicely to me as my light was the only one on.

"Yes, and to hex anyone who tries to disturb." I chuckled. "Thank you" I added as she walked off slowly.

Madam Pince and I became close which I never expected but we did. From the end of February to the end of March I'd spend nights in there and I was the only one that actually studied instead of hiding in the corners to snog or shag . Which reminded me that she punished more than five students this week for that cause. Mind you, that was a week. Godric knows how many would be in a month.

Madam Pince left and the night was colder than before. I'd be lying if I said that staying in the library alone with only one light on wasn't scary at all.

The left side of my body was close to the book shelf as my right side felt all the cold empty air in between the isle. I was really starting to like the library way more than getting wasted at parties.

One main reason of avoiding them too was because of Fred. I just didn't want to see girls Pile up on him and dancing.

The sound of the crisp pages being flipped had filled the whole library up along with the sound of my quill jotting down important notes.

But, to my surprise it was disturbed by a girl giggling as her and a familiar boy's chuckle walked in. I immediately stood up and walked closer to the front, going to follow in Madam Pince's rules as I earned her trust and couldn't give that up.

I made it near the entrance about two shelves away with my wand out and ready. "You two need to—-" I spoke but slapped my hand to my mouth as I noticed who the bloke she was with was. She was kissing all over his neck as they moved closer to the nearest desk.

They didn't hear my voice and so I hid behind the dark shelve. I felt like a creep but the sight of that specific redhead with another girl hurt my insides and head like crazy. The light from the back and the moonlight from outside shined down over them and Fred became more clear to my vision. Confirming that It was him I seen.

"Mhmm the library?" She teased. "you're so bad" she moaned as Fred began to sit her up on the table. I wanted to chuckle aloud as I heard her trying so hard.

I felt my blood boiling and my body heating up as I heard his heavy breathing and her moaning. Even though they were just kissing, it hurt me deeply. My anger hovered over all my glum emotions.

As soon as I felt bold enough to stop the situation before things escalated...The brunette girl had moved her hands to Fred's zipper on his trouser. But that's not what surprised me. What did it for me was that Fred had stopped her movements from going further.

"No. Stop...wait" he said.

"What? Am I not doing something right?" She asked him. I mean I could name a few things she wasn't very good at.

"It's just...I don't want to do this—not with you" he zipped his trousers back up. "I don't know—This doesn't feel right" he said breathlessly.

My eyes shot wide while I was eavesdropping. What an arsehole he was to her for leading her on then not wanting her but I sure wasn't complaining. It matters how he felt and I support that, he didn't want to do anything. I was more in the happy, and trying so hard not to chuckle, state of mind.

"Ugh? What an arsehole-" the girl had stood up and straightened her skirt out as she walked out very pissed off.

Still behind the shelves, I was watching as Fred sort of just slammed his hands on the table out of anger and frustrations. But he straightened himself up and I could see he was getting ready to leave. So I was sure he'd be out. Once I seen his figure move further away, I shrugged.

I turned around slowly on my heels and continued to move to the back of the library. The light I had on had got brighter as I walked closer to my spot. As soon as I sat back down, I began chuckling as I read over the sentences I wrote down earlier.

"Holy cricket, that girl—" I chuckled at the memory of what just happened as I talked to myself. I picked my quill up and began writing.

"The hell are you doing here" a voice startled me. I looked up to see that Fred didn't even leave. I sat up and dropped my quill as his voice spoke.

"I could ask you the same thing" I scoffed back, hoping he didn't see me or hear me talking to myself earlier. "Isn't there a party you'd be at by now"

It was weird and felt like Fred and I were friends yet strangers. Well, to me it felt like we had just been meeting in these unexpected ways. My eyes lingered on Fred's tossed hair and buttons on his shirt as they were poorly done.

Without saying any words, Fred moved closer to the empty chair beside me and sat right next to me. He leaned back in his chair and slouched down, now manspreading.

"Party was boring" he shrugged as slightly frowned.

"Mhm" I moved back to my parchment. "You sure it was just the party" I smirked but not looking at him.

Our bodies were close since he sat beside me, chair next to chair. I could hear Fred chuckling next to me at my comment.

It was hard for me to act like I didn't know him as much as I really did. I could feel Fred's eyes on me as I ignored him while writing on my parchment. My legs were crossed and my right leg was shaking from being anxious. The sound of my anklet clacking loudly as well.

Fred leaned on the table to look at the stuff I was going over while I was wondering why he was still there. If he didn't know me like before, why would he be willing to stay.

Still, I ignored his eyes wandering over my body and so I stood up and placed one foot on my chair.

"Uhh—no no no." Fred assured as he stood from his chair, now towering over me like usual. "What are you doing?" He looked down at me as he stood to my left side and my right side was now to the table.

"Erm..what does it look like to you..?" I questioned back with a confused smile.

"It looks like you're about to stand up and get a book like an idiot" he tilted his head up which sharpened his jaw. Holy fuck he was somehow hotter than before. Maybe because I haven't seen him close up in a while.

"Now I'm a gentleman" he smiled in front of my face while placing his hand flat on his chest. "Just tell me which one you need". He smirked. Controlling myself, it felt weird to finally hear the voice I've been dying to hear. Fred came off flirty of course but it was off to even think he didn't remember me.

"Mhmmm..." I turned to the shelf in search of the one I needed. "Try that one" I pointed to one that was more in the right which was further from him.

Fred had moved closer to my body as he pushed himself closer and up to the book. The side of my thigh now hit the side of the table, giving me no more room to scoot over. So I turned to where my chest and body faced him as his strong arm reached up to grab the book with ease.

Moving back down, Fred's chest pressed onto mine as the back of my thighs were to the edge of the table.

"This one" he asked me while bringing the book down, yet not moving away.

I didn't even look at the book properly and my breath hitched as his warm embrace and warm chest had pressed on my breast and his free hand on my hip and above my skirt.

"Yeah that one" I whispered as I didn't even look at the book he placed down. We locked in our eye contact and I became hungry for him. I watched his eyes go from light and sweet to dark and lusty.

Fred leaned in to my face and I was so ready for him to press his lips onto mine.

"I can't get you out of my head" he whispered. "You're not telling me what I want to hear" he growled this time as I felt his hand move closer to my ass now.

"Which is....." I whispered softly.

Our faces still closer, I haven't felt this adrenaline for the past four three months.

"Why I see you in my dreams....why I can't stop thinking about you....why some thoughts I have get me so hard. So many questions you need to answer" he squeezed my ass and moved his hand to the back of my left leg.

"I want to remember but I can't" He lifted my leg up and pulled it closer to him, still propping it up and holding the back of my knee. "What do I have to do to remember you" he made a confused expression while staring very deeply into my eyes.

Well, Ro's idea about him shagging me as a method could possibly work. Guess it was just a wild way to see if it'll work, but i wouldn't know if I never found it. So....

"Fuck me" I blurted out. "Right here...maybe you'll remember me" I moaned as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

Fred finally smashed his lips into mine and I moaned at his aggressiveness. I pulled him closer and down to my face as I helped myself on his lips. His touch was driving me insane and felt so good. The only touch I wanted to feel. Fred moved forward and lifted my other leg up to help me onto the table.

"you're gorgeous" he moaned. My ears had its own orgasm as it was longing to hear his moan again.

"Oh Fred" I moaned as his hands caressed and squeezed my thighs. I moved my lips away to move to his ear. I nibbled and sucked on the spot he loves the most.

"Holy shit" he groaned. My hands moved down to his lower body and I automatically started to palm him, he got hard quick. "My turn" he smirked as he breathed out heavily.

I smiled as I watched his eyes and lips move lower to my neck. It was such a crazy feeling as I felt him on my body again. His lips sucking on my neck while his deep moans and humming went smoothly to my ears.

"Freddie...." I moaned loudly. Fred had pulled away from my neck and back to my lips.

"I've been dreaming about your moans. Your voice...your touch—" he said through the gaps of our sloppy kisses as he was undoing the buttons on my shirt.

I pulled away from the kiss to look into his eyes. He stopped unbuttoning my shirt and had his eyes on mine as well.

Both of us in the quiet dark library, filling it up with our breathing as we were now calming down.

"—your eyes—-I see it in my dreams too—" he whispered as he took in all my features.

Looking at Fred again, all the memories us together had came rushing in and all I could think about was how we shared deep contact with each other. I looked at his face and didn't move away at all. Fred smiled randomly while looking into my pupils which dilated at the sight of him, causing me to smile as well.

"I love you" I had whispered unexpectedly.

Realizing what I had just said, both Fred and I took a brief sigh out of shock. Fred moved back a little by my words but his eyes not leaving me.

I hopped off the table quickly and now feeling more stupid than ever, i buttoned my shirt up quickly. Knowing I messed up. Knowing I wasn't going to get an "I love you" back. Fred stood in silence while I fixed my clothes.

"You—you need to go" I said while moving to the parchment on the table and the books, stuffing everything in different places.

"Here—let me just help-" he moved closer to the table and brushing against my body.

"No! Fred- I'm sorry... just-." I turned to him, now with a few tears falling down. Fred moved his hands to my face but I was in full of regret. Everything was going good now since three months of pain but now I most likely scared him. "Just go——please. I need to clean and lock up after" I added while moving back to the table.

Fred said something under his breath and stomped away as he left the library.

It was so awkward and I don't know what had gotten into me. I didn't mean to say it, it just blurted out. Now this was going to be worser in my case.

Sniffling through the cleaning and regret in my head, I finished up and rushed to my dorm.

I was certain that Fred would either stay away from me or just try harder to get closer.

——————————-