11- Happy, free, confused and lonely

"So okay maybe you were right." Taylor says, smiling at the green eyed woman, who is sitting in front of her, sipping on the ice cold beverage she had prepared for the both of them. "This might be the best coffee I've ever had."

"I told you." Karlie says, grinning proudly. "You know, you can believe me sometimes."

"I always believe you." Taylor says, the words slipping out of her mouth before she even notices. "I mean.. uhm.. since you my.. ehm.. protector and all.."



"Mhmm." Karlie replies, playing with the straw in between her lips. "Right."

"Ugh.. shut up." Taylor groans, smiling at the woman in front of her. The both of them are sitting at the dinner table, enjoying their iced, caramel latte's which Karlie had professionally prepared for her and the superstar.

 "What did I say this time?" Karlie asks, swinging a hand up in defence.


"Nothing." Taylor says, smiling while sipping on her drink. She stops for a bit then, only to let out a loud yawn which she covers with her hand.



"Someone needs some more sleep." Karlie says, getting up and then putting her empty cup in the sink to pour some water in it. 

"Mhmm." Taylor hums as a response, her eyes suddenly feeling very tired even though she drank more than half of her cup of coffee already.


"Come on." Karlie says, taking the singer's hand in hers and guiding her up from the chair. Taylor places the now almost empty cup on the kitchen counter. The green eyed woman guides the superstar all the way to the bedroom, while smiling at the cute creature that is Taylor Swift.


"I don't know what you put in that coffee.." Taylor starts sleepily. "But I feel like you've put like a few shots of whiskey in there." 

Karlie chuckles lightly as she lets go of the singer's hand so that the blonde can lay down in bed. "Its just your lack of sleep Tay." She says, a smile on her face as she watches how Taylor buries herself underneath the pink covers. "Its only like 7am, get some more sleep."



"Aren't you gonna join me?" Taylor asks, her eyes sleepily pleading the younger girl to hop in bed next to her.


"I actually wanted to do some-"



"Pleaaaasseeee.." Taylor begs, dragging the word out while pouting at the other woman, her eyes closed now. 

Karlie groans, knowing she'll probably never be able to not comply to the singers wants and needs. She pulls her sweatpants down, since that will be too warm underneath the blankets and also because she secretly just really likes the feeling of Taylor's soft legs against hers. She lays down on the left side of the bed and is pretty sure that Taylor is already sleeping on the right.


"Cuddles?" She hears the singer mumble then. Karlie giggles at the sound and moves a little closer, still unsure about this new, very unprofessional, relationship that she seems to be building up with the famous singer.

 "Karlsss.." Taylor whines, and Karlie knows that she wants her to move even closer to her, even though she is already laying against her bum awkwardly and their legs are already half intertwined.

"Is this okay?" Karlie whispers, not really even knowing why she isn't talking at a normal volume. Taylor replies by pushing her body backwards a bit, more into Karlie's and groans sleepily in satisfaction.

The green eyed woman, who is now laying behind the singer, being her big spoon, awkwardly clears her throat and wraps an arm around her, not knowing what to do with herself. She has honestly never felt this awkward and insecure.

She can smell Taylor's lemon mixed with lavender smell and it hypnotises her. She lays there, her green eyes wide open, fixed on the blonde singer's half curly hair and takes a deep breath. 

'What did I get myself into?'

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"Karlieeeeee!" Taylor wines, her voice louder than the first three times now. "Come on, its like 1pm."


"Hmmhmpff.." Karlie groans sleepily, her body somehow exhausted.

"Karlssss.." Taylor's voice sounds again. Karlie can feel the weight on the mattress shift and she feels how the blonde singer takes place on top of her, their bodies now only separated by the bed's covers and their thin layer of clothes. Karlie is suddenly wide awake.

"Oh now you're waking up huh?" Taylor asks as she sees Karlie smile smugly, raising one eyebrow seductively. 

Karlie opens both her eyes, grinning at the singer in the meantime. She is laying on her back with the blonde superstar straddling her body, how could she not wake up?

"You look cute." Taylor states simply. Karlie notices how much more open and free Taylor seems to be now since they have had that conversation. The conversation about their feelings and all of that.


"Thanks." Karlie mumbles, her voice laced with sleep.



"What are our plans for today?" Taylor asks, looking at the green eyed agent intently.


"Well.. I had nothing planned really.." Karlie says, barely able to focus on the words coming out of her mouth while she looks up at miss Taylor Swift sitting on top of her, only dressed in a tanktop and some shorts. And suddenly it all becomes too real. 

Karlie pushes Taylor off her and the singer immediately senses the change in the secret agent's behaviour. 

"Im gonna.. use the bathroom." Karlie stutters nervously, getting up from the bed and walking in to the bathroom before shutting the door and locking it.



'I did it wrong again' Taylor thinks to herself as she half lays, half sits on the bed on her own. 'I went too fast and she can't handle it.' She sighs to herself and lays back down in bed, her good mood out of the door together with her green eyed protector. 'They always leave anyway. You're too much, Taylor.' She thinks to herself before closing her eyes once more.


Karlie is leaning against the sink in the bathroom, behind the locked, wooden door. She lets out a deep breath that apparently she was holding. 'Taylor is your client Karlie..' She thinks to herself as she rubs against her temples with the palms of her hands. 'She is your client. She is Taylor fucking Swift and she is a world famous artist in the music industry that you're supposed to protect from the people that want her dead. Its a bad idea to get involved with her. A bad fucking idea.'

Karlie tries shaking the negative feelings out of her head but they just keep spooking around. She closes her eyes, trying to think of other things, anything other than this. 'She's gonna die if you are going to be together in that way. She is going to die, just like Toni. They're gonna kill her. She will be dead. Dead.'

"NO!"

The word fills Karlie's ears just as much as Taylors and it takes the green eyed girl some time to finally realise it was her who shouted it out loud.



"Karlie?" Taylor's worried voice sounds from the other side of the door. "Are you okay?"

Karlie remains quiet for at least another two minutes before she's able to reply, her thoughts still spooking around in her mind. 

"I.. uhmm.. yeah.. I.. I am alright." She stutters, her voice distant in her own ears as she looks at herself in the mirror. She hadn't noticed she had started crying until she sees the crystal clear tears fall down her cheeks and onto the black t-shirt that she is wearing.



"Are you sure?" Taylor asks, her voice sweet and laced with worry.


Another minute passes before the green eyed woman replies with a "Yeah."

"Okay. I.. Ill be here if.. if you need me or anything." Taylor replies nervously. Karlie can hear her footsteps walk away and hear the bed creak, knowing the singer wont go anywhere until she moves out of the bathroom.

 She tries to get herself together, takes some deep breaths, wipes her tears away and splashes some cold water onto her face, trying to wake herself up. It seems to work at least a bit, since the bad voices in Karlie's head temporarily seem to stop talking as she pulls her t-shirt down a bit, so that she will look less undressed than she actually is when she walks out of the bathroom. 

She takes one last breath before opening the wooden door, which creaks when she turns the handle. 

She knows that she will have to talk with Taylor about this. She knows that it would be healthy for her and probably for Taylor too if they would keep some more distance. And god, she knows that she probably shouldn't even think about kissing the famous singer at this exact moment. But when she sees her sitting there, on the bed, her hands in her lap nervously while she looks up into her green eyes, she cant help but to think of kissing her. Kissing those worries away, those thoughts in her own head, those uncertainties in Taylor's head.

She wants to make the singer feel good. She wants her to be happy. She wants to make her happy. And the only way she thinks she'll be able to do that right now, is to kiss her.


"Karlie, are you okay? I think-" Taylor starts but stops when Karlie interrupts her by pressing a single finger to her lips. The green eyed agent doesn't know how she had gotten to the bed so fast, she doesn't even remember stepping out of the bathroom, but she does know how good it feels when she finally captures Taylor's lips with hers again.



Taylor lets out a surprised squeak when they're lips crash together and grabs both of Karlie's shoulders to not fall backwards onto the bed. Karlie however, has other plans and pushes the girl onto her back purposely and straddles her petite figure.

Their kiss continues, passionate and heated. Taylor, who seems to be adapting to the surprise attack pretty well, moves her hands down the Karlie's lower back to slowly trace patterns on Karlie's exposed skin there. Karlie shudders at the contact of Taylor's cold fingers on her skin, moving her tongue into the singer's mouth with ease and caressing the side of her face with her left hand.

 The green eyed woman moves from the singer's lips to her cheek, down to her earlobe and then to her neck, where she softly bites and kisses the singer's soft skin. 

She doesn't know where this confidence boost came from but she does know that the feeling of having Taylor underneath her, letting out all these different sounds, is one of the most amazing things that she has ever felt. 

"Mhmm.. Karls.." Taylor says, it all coming out in more of a moan.



"Mhmm?" Karlie hums against the singer's hot skin.

"I.. I.." Taylor stutters as Karlie continues to bite, lick and suck on her neck. "I.. don't think.. this.." She tries again, letting out a wimper when Karlie sucks particularly hard on her soft spot. Taylor cant help but to move her hands to the other woman's head to stop her.


"Karlie." She says again then, more forcefully this time. Karlie stops her movements then, looking into Taylor's blue eyes as she is still trying to come up with what she wants to say. "I.. I don't think we should do this.. now." Taylor says, her cheeks bright red.



Karlie looks at her, feeling slightly embarrassed suddenly as she ducks her head down to avoid eye contact. She rolls off Taylor and looks up at the ceiling, her whole body feeling like its on fire.

 "I mean.. wait don't.. don't get me wrong.. I'd.. I would love to.. ehm.. do that.. ehm sort of stuff with you.." Taylor stutters nervously, grabbing Karlie's hand in the proces. "But.. there is something on your mind and I just don't think we should do.. ehm.. this stuff, if you're unsure about it."

Karlie pulls her hand back and Taylor immediately feels rejected, her fears seeming to be coming true. Her insecurity level rises even higher when Karlie gets up from the bed and walks out of the bedroom without saying a word. She cant keep the tears that start burning in her eyes from falling down and lays there, staring at the ceiling in silence.


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Karlie is sitting on the now cold sand, staring at the sky that is growing more orange with every second that passes. She has to admit that she had enjoyed it more to watch it rise up this morning, when she was sitting at this exact same spot, together with the singer.

An nauseous feeling bubbles up in her stomach again when thinking about the beautiful blonde. She had known for more than a month ago, that this thread, this possibility, would be there. The possibility of Karlie liking the singer a little too much. She just hadn't expected at all, that the famous world star would feel the same about her. But of course Karlie had managed to work herself into this impossible situation again. A situation neither of them could escape.



She lets out a sign while watching how the sky now turns to a darker orange, almost a red. 

'She must have been really sad.' Karlie thinks to herself as she stares up at the sky. She groans in annoyance. Annoyance of herself and this whole, messed up situation. 



"Why did I have to fucking kiss her. Again?" She asks herself as she slams her fist into the sand aggressively. Karlie had always been aggressive. She had just learned to control herself better since she had stared working for the government. They had offered her lessons and classes on how to learn to calm down in situations where she would easily loose her temper and they really had helped. But in situations as complex as this one, Karlie's lessons didn't help a single bit. No matter how often she tried to do her breathing exercises today, it just wouldn't help. She would just sit here all day, punching the sand and talking to herself in anger.

 

'Why the hell does she have to like me too?' She thinks to herself as she lets herself sink back against the big tree behind her. 'We can't she just hate me?'


She lets out another large breath and her belly grumbles. She hadn't eaten anything all day. She had walked to the beach when leaving the house earlier in the afternoon and hadn't even dared to go back in again, knowing how Taylor must feel. She wishes she wouldn't like the famous singer. She wishes she wouldn't like Taylor Swift. But of course, Karlie does, cause she always seem to settle on the most impossible romances.


"Karlie?" An angelic voice drags her out of her train of dark thoughts. "I've made you some food. You must be hungry, you havent eaten anything all day. Ill put it here."

Karlie wants to turn her head around to look at the blonde singer and say 'thank you'. But she cant bring herself to do so. Instead she does nothing and stares blankly ahead of her, her mind numb with things to do or say.


She hears the cabin door close again minutes later and knows the singer had retreated back inside.

"You idiot." Karlie mumbles to herself as she grabs the plate Taylor had put on the sand and begins eating the delicious food that she had prepared for her. Chicken wings with potatoes and some veggies. 

After finishing the food in no time, she puts the plate down and shivers. The sun had disappeared out of the sky completely, making it look dark blue, almost black as Karlie sits there on the beach, only wearing a black t-shirt and nothing more than her undergarments. "Fuck.." She mumbles as she knows what she will have to do next. She will have to get inside the house and face the girl she likes too much.

"Shit. Shit. Shit!" She says, massaging her temples with her now cold fingers. She gets up and stretches her long limbs out, which are sore by sitting in the same position for such a long time. She grabs the plate from the sand and slowly starts walking towards the cabin, already dreading what she will find in there.



'What will I say? God, what will I even tell her? What will she tell me?' 

She opens the backdoor slowly, seeing that Taylor is sat on the couch, watching tv. She can see how puffy the girl's eyes look and a huge amount of guilt shoots through Karlie's body instantly. She walks over to the kitchen, since Taylor doesn't seem to look up at her anyway and puts her plate in the sink, where her cup from this morning still stands. She shakes her head a couple of times. 

'It would be even meaner to just go to bed now without saying a word. What if she thinks i'm angry at her?' She thinks as she paces around the kitchen for a while. She decided, a couple of minutes later, to just sit down on the couch with the other woman and try to start a conversation of some kind.



She slowly walks over, enjoying the warmth of the cabin and sits down on the far other side of the couch from which Taylor is sitting. An awkward silence settles then, the tv the only sound surrounding the pair.



"Thanks for the food." Karlie says then, her voice uncertain as she speaks. "Its was.. really nice."



Taylor looks up at the green eyed girl in surprise, clearly not expecting her to talk. "You're welcome." She says, a sad smile on her face. Another pang of guilt shoots through the agent's body as she watches how the smile on Taylor's face quickly disappears while she looks away from her.


"Listen Tay, I-"



"Are you angry at me?" Taylor asks, interrupting the younger woman. "Cause if you are, just tell me. Don't walk away from it you know. Thats just mean and unfair." The words leave her mouth quickly, like a small waterfall.


Karlie blinks a few times before replying. "Im not angry at you." She looks into the singer's blue, sad eyes. "I.." She starts, focussing her gaze on her own hands now that are scratching the couch nervously. "I.. am angry at myself."


She feels Taylor's eyes burn into her skull as she hears her ask "Why?".


"I.. I.." Karlie stutters. "I.. I cant.. I dont.. I mean I.. I.." She stutters, panicking majorly inside her head now. "I.. I don't.. I think I.. I.." She feels her whole face heat up as even warmer tears start rolling down her cheeks. "Tay.. I.. I cant.. Its just.. I.." She tries once more, failing to tell Taylor what she actually wants to say.
 Her heart beats in her chest so rapidly that she swears it is going to jump out of her body.

The blue eyes woman scoots closer to her, feeling the girl's discomfort and wanting to be there for her. "Its okay." She says, wrapping an arm around the crying mess that is Karlie. "We can maybe.. talk about it later?" 

Karlie lays her head on Taylor's shoulder and lets out a sob while slowly nodding 'yes' as a response to her question, not able to form a coherent sentence anymore.

 "Its alright. Im here. Were here. Its okay." Taylor hushes quietly, stroking the younger girl's arm. "Its okay Karlie. You're okay."

Karlie completely leans into Taylor's body, relaxing against it while taking in her smell once more. It relaxes her, it calms her down. It makes her feel safe. 

"Close you eyes Karlie, its okay." She hears Taylor say in the distance while she feels herself slip into a deep slumber slowly. "Its okay." She hears Taylor's angelic voice say a few more times before all that surrounds her is peaceful darkness.

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A/N

Hi! So what did you think of this? I hope you found it okay? Feedback is always WELCOME!

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