Chapter 19

Snow's P.O.V.

"So who's taking first watch?" Thalia asked.

"That depends," I said shrugging. "I'm assuming none of you trust me enough to watch over you while you sleep."

"You would be correct." Mitch said.

"Fair enough."

"I'll take first watch." Jerome volunteered.

"Great." Thalia said lying down.

They each had their own sleeping bag from the Cornucopia.

Mitch laid down too.

I stared at Jerome for a moment before pulling out my sleeping bag.

"Good night." he said.

"You too." I murmured before shutting my eyes and attempting to fall asleep.

Jerome's P.O.V.

I made a small fire. It was big enough to give me warmth and light up a small area but it wasn't enough to create a whole a lot of smoke.

My head was working overtime. I kept thinking about so many things at once.

I looked over at the sleeping faces of Thalia and Mitch.

But when I reached Snow her midnight black eyes stared right back at me.

"You're awake?"

She sat up slightly. "Yeah. I'm not used to getting this much sleep."

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't sleep much back in 2." she said shrugging.

"How's your head?"

"Fine. I could be better though." she said frowning.

"What happened? You know, before we found you?" I asked her.

She looked at me and I was surprised to see her eyes look slightly watery. 

She blinked and the tears were gone.

"They both died." she murmured. "Saved my life then died. It's my fault." she said throwing a rock with anger at a tree across from us.

 I didn't speak.

"One of the trees fell and I pushed Orchid out of the way." Snow said slowly. "It landed on my leg. Then Orchid left to get water from the river. I was talking to Kern when he just randomly..." she trailed off.

"He tried to kill you?"

She shook her head. "He wasn't himself. I just can't explain it to you."

"You're smart aren't you?" 

She glanced at me. "No. I mean, I can't."

Oh.

So it was something she couldn't let the cameras and microphones pick up.

"I was paralyzed. Orchid managed to push me aside and she took the spear. Then, while she was dying, Kern stabbed himself."

Her eyes glistened.

"I held their hands. I watched the light leave their eyes." she whispered. "If I had just been faster-"

"Don't say that. It wasn't your fault. The tree fell on your leg." I interjected.

"I could've moved." she said shaking her head. "I was paralyzed with fear. I was weak. If I had just moved a little Orchid wouldn't have had to jump in front of me and then we could've talked some sense into Kern. We could've-"

"Snow. Please stop." I said softly.

She looked at me. I saw the tears in her eyes. The trembling of her hands.

"It wasn't your fault." I repeated. "You're not weak. You're strong and amazing."

She smiled but I saw sorrow make her expression waver as if what I said reminded her of a bad memory.

"I still don't see why you trusted me." she murmured. "I'm a murderous, lying, vicious traitor.' she spat.

"Why would you think that?" I asked.

"Why wouldn't I? That's what everyone else thinks." she said softly shaking her head. "Two people. In eighteen years, I've met two people who actually thought I was a good person. Two people."

"Well now you've met three." I said grinning at her.

She laughed slightly. 

"You're good at looking completely expressionless." I said to her. "But I can read those midnight black eyes of your's. You remind me of my brother."

My own words surprised me. I hadn't talked about my brother to anyone in years.

"He called them coal black." she murmured softly. "He said I had coal black eyes."

Her voice was pained.

"Jason." I said pausing. "You're talking about Jason."

She looked up at me. "I said that out loud?"

I nodded.

She sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm being....incompetent."

I shook my head. "You're okay." 

There was silence.

"If you don't mind me asking...why do you talk about Jason all the time?"

She hesitated before answering. "Like I said, he betrayed me. We...we had a misunderstanding and I ran. After I calmed down I went back. Then he and Vena attacked me. I managed to disarm them, and I-I don't know why but I didn't kill them. I could've I just didn't. I guess it was because..." she trailed off and I knew there was something she wasn't telling me.

The way she talked about him. The tremble of her voice when she spoke about the betrayal. The pained expression she wore when I accidentally said something about him liking her. The way everything reminded her of him. The fact that she didn't kill him when she easily could've.

"You two were....close weren't you?"

I knew Snow knew what I meant.

She nodded slowly. "It was slow. At first, I didn't think it could be possible. I had never fell in love before. I told him so many things." she laughed bitterly. "I was so stupid, thinking that it could ever happened. I should've learned my lesson from Katniss and Peeta. I should've listened to the warnings."

"Were you in love with each other?"

Once again Snow hesitated.

"I-I don't know anymore. I think I did. He said he loved me once. B-But then he betrayed me. I don't what to think anymore. I don't know who to trust."

"I know what you mean. Pain doesn't go away as easily as you wish it would."

She laughed sadly. "Exactly."

Tears slowly slipped out of her eyes. "Sometimes I wonder if this whole thing, the Games, was good for me or not. Would I have been better off staying in 2? Was it a good thing I volunteered? Sometimes I feel like this whole thing isn't even real, like it's all just a dream."

I looked at her and caught her gaze. 

Her beautiful, pained face stared back at me. I slowly reached out and brushed away her tears with my thumb. 

"Trust me, it's real." I murmured. "And if this really is just a dream, I don't want to wake up."

I saw it in her eyes.

The sadness.

The pain.

The weight of the world was on her shoulders.

She had loved Jason.

But he had betrayed her.

She'd loved Orchid.

But she died.

She'd trusted Kern.

But he died too.

"I only have so much to hold onto Jerome." she said quietly. "Eventually I'll fall."

"But you haven't yet." I said to her. "And I'm not going to let you go."

"That's what he said." she shaking her head. "And he broke my heart."

"It takes ten times longer to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart." I said softy to her. "Let me help."

Snow wasn't used to trust.

She was used to facing the world on her own.

But it had finally become too much for her to handle.

"Please." I said filling in the silence.

She glanced at me and smiled a little.

"You get one chance. Don't mess this up."

I laughed slighty. "I'll try."

And in that moment...I could see why Jason had fallen in love with her.

I might've been doing the exact same thing.