Chapter 20

Snow's P.O.V.

I watched as they slept. Gradually over the course of a few days, Thalia, Jerome, and Mitch began to trust me.

Today was the first day I was going on watch.

I sighed. I got too close to Jerome the other night. I couldn't have a repeat of Jason.

Jason.

Just thinking about him made me choke a little.

Stop it. He never loved you, it was all an act.

I didn't know what to do.

I was lost.

"Shut up." I murmured to myself. Love was stupid. I didn't want it, I didn't need it.

Yet still, my fingers trembled as I picked up and examined my knives.

"You okay?"

I looked up to see Jerome.

My face heated up and I was glad it was dark. "Yeah."

"Don't lie to me. You know I can see right through you."

I glanced at him before looking at my knives.

"Snow." he said quietly.

His voice set me off.

"I'm not some charity!" I said angrily. "I don't need your pity okay? I've lived eighteen years in isolation and I'm fine living a few more weeks like that! I don't need you to comfort me!"

He didn't even flinch.

"I'm not as easy to shake as most people Snow." he whispered. "I don't care what you say, I'm not leaving you."

"That's what people say. They say they care, they say they love you. Then they kick you to the curb." I spat.

Silence followed.

"Or they die." I said in a trembling voice.

"I know how you feel Snow. You know that."

There was truth in his words. He had lost someone to the Games too. Someone he had cared about.

"The line between what I know and what I don't is blurred."

He laughed. "You're probably the most intelligent person in Panem."

I frowned. 

"I've been awake this whole time. I've been watching you. You're afraid Snow. Admit it."

"Admitting fear is admitting weakness."

"You're not weak. Anyone with common sense would know that."

"Some people with common sense think I like murdering innocent people."

"It doesn't matter what they think. I don't care what they think. They don't know you. I do."

I shifted slightly.

He noticed.

"Jason?"

It pained me to hear his name but I nodded.

"You only have true love once in a lifetime." 

His words surprised me. 

"I don't think so." I blurted out without thinking.

He raised an eyebrow. "Really? Why?"

If you only fall in love once, why am I doing it again?

The thought hit me suddenly.

 "Nevermind." I said dismissively. Jerome stared but didn't say a word.

He reminded me of Jason.

There was something different though.

Jason's bright blue eyes had always had a sort of warmth to them, a clueless sort of kindness like he didn't know that there were evil people out there.

Jerome's had kindness in them but they were more sharp. Almost as if he was always studying something.

"I don't know if I hate him or not." I said finally breaking the silence.

"He tried to murder you."

"Exactly. I should hate him. But I don't. At least I think I don't. It's all so confusing." 

A burst of anger hit me and I threw my knife at a tree. It embedded itself into the bark.

"You're talented."

"Not as much as you are with spears."

"What are you talking about? You nailed my spear straight in the middle in the training center."

"That was a lucky shot, and I didn't use the small spear for no reason, I chose it because I knew people were watching and I didn't want to mess up. I chose the spear that most resembled a throwing knife."

"Intelligent Snow appears again."

I rolled my eyes. "I got lucky. Personally I hate spears. They're too bulky for me. I prefer knives, I'm better at throwing them so that they drive in deep."

"Maybe I could teach you, it might be the only thing in the world that I know a bit more about than you do."

I glanced once more at him. "Sure. I'll take you up on that deal."

"Let's get started."

"Right now?" I asked staring at him.

"What better time than the present?"

I grinned at his silly tone. "Okay then. Present time it is."

We both stood.

Jerome picked up one his heavier spears.

"Spiting me I see." I said smiling.

"Yes indeed."

He handed me the spear. 

I got into position. 

"Hold it like this." he murmured gently shifting my hand slightly above where it was originally. His hand rested on mine for a few moments.

Stop it.

I couldn't fall in love again.

Not again.

Never again.

He slowly took his hand off of mine. 

"Twist a little more, that way you can put more force into your throw."

I shifted slightly.

"Here, like this."

His hands rested on my waist.

I tensed but didn't say anything.

His lips were almost pressed against the back of my head.

Stop. It.

"Ready?"

"Yes." I whispered.

"Go."

I moved backward and threw the spear, backed up by my shoulder and arm twisting.

It nailed the tree and the whole spear head drove into the tree.

"Good job." Jerome murmured.

His hands were still on my waist.

I didn't dare to move.

But I did turn slightly to meet his eyes.

"I have a good teacher." I whispered.

"That you do."

I laughed slightly. "You're an idiot."

"No one more stupid in all of Panem."

He leaned toward me.

STOP.

I couldn't...I shouldn't...I didn't dare to.

How could I trust him?

How could I fall in love again?

How could defy all of my rules?

How could I put him in danger?

But in that moment, my emotions took over.

I was falling in love with him. Against my own will...just like Jason.

I kept comparing him to Jason. But I had to learn...he wasn't Jason.

So that's why when he kissed me, I didn't run. I didn't hide.

I kissed him back.

We stood there. Barely moving. The only sound was the crackling fire.

I finally pulled myself away.

He searched my eyes. "You're not running."

"There's nowhere to run." I murmured. "Nowhere to hide." 

I held his gaze.

"You should probably go to sleep." he finally said breaking the silence.

"It's my watch."

"Can I take over?"

I nodded.

He led me back to the cave, one hand still wrapped around me.

When we reached it, he looked at me.

"You're not...mad are you?"

I shook my head.

"I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine Jerome." I said quietly.

"Are you sure?"

I stood on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek. "I'm sure."

He smiled at me and I smiled back.

"And just so you know Snow..." Jerome said as I was slowly drifting off to sleep.

"I might be in love with you."