Chapter 92

Katniss

"If there's a light at the end, it's just the sun in your eyes. I know you want to go to heaven but you're human tonight." -Halsey

I can feel the anger returning as soon as I hear the pretentious knock at the door that means Aurelius is back.

"Good morning, you two!" He says happily.Neither of us say anything."Doctor Lucia was just behind me... She'll be here in a moment." He says, turning to look behind him.

She comes in a few minutes later, bearing a clipboard and a fancy, expensive looking pen. "Hello!" She says, clicking her pen.Peeta greets her quietly and I sit in silence. I do not want to talk to these people.

"So, your medication. Shall we start there?" Lucia asks.I nod slightly, just enough for them to see."Perfect. So we're going to start you on Phalanxinol as soon as we get you out of here. One pill per day, before you go to bed. Sound okay?" She asks.

"What about side effects?" I pipe up finally."If I recall, there are no major ones. Not like any you've had to go through before. Mostly just headache and dry mouth. That's about it, as far as common ones. Any others have never been seen before." She explains.

"Well, we tend to be the exception to those types of things." Peeta says.Lucia laughs a little at Peeta's comment before scribbling something down on the paper on her clipboard. "Now, on to the harder stuff. I hate this part, I truly hate it." She says, frowning.

"Can't say it's really a walk in the park for us either, Doctor Lucia." I say quietly. I don't think she catches it, but it felt good to at least say it out loud."Now," she says. "Phalanxinol has never been used during a pregnancy, as I'm sure you've both heard by now. We simply do not know not do we have the information to predict the types of problems it could cause for both mom and baby. Which is why we're offering a chance to terminate. It's not an easy decision to make. All of us here are aware of that. I want you two to really think about it."

"What do you recommend?" Peeta asks her."I don't believe it's my place to tell you two what to decide." She replies."I didn't ask you to choose for us. I asked you what you recommend." Peeta says."Oh," Lucia thinks for a bit. "I, personally, would recommend a termination. I know, it's probably not what you'd like to hear, but considering the risk factors for both mom and baby, I don't believe it's worth it."

"Katniss, we could just have another baby later. When this clears up." Peeta says to me."So, what, we're just going to kill this one and replace it with a more promising one? No. I can't do that!" I reply.Peeta just looks at me. I know how much he despises when I don't think of myself before other people in these situations.

"Can't I just not take the medicine until after they're born?" I ask hopefully.This time, it's Aurelius who chimes in, "I'm afraid that won't be an option. The infection is so deeply set in your Broca's Aphasia, your ability to speak could be permanently damaged. And there's a chance that, if left untreated, there could be spreading or deepening of it. It could infect even farther in, like where your memory or where your emotions are stored."

My heart sinks at his explanation. "What are we going to do, Peeta?" I ask."This is your decision, Katniss. It's not my position to tell you what to do with your body." Peeta says.While I appreciate the gesture of a man not telling a woman what to do regarding her femininity and her body in general, he's my husband. And I need him to help me out."Peeta, you're 1/2 of the baby's parents. It's your decision too." Lucia says.

"I don't want you to get hurt, Katniss. I don't want the baby to get hurt." He says, taking the side that Lucia picked."But killing the baby would be hurting it." I point out to him. Of course, I'm opposing them. I can't just get rid of this baby because it might not turn out as perfect as Willow or any other baby would.

"What could the medicine do to the baby?" I ask."We don't know for sure. It could cause developmental delays or mental problems. It could put the baby in a great deal of danger once out of the womb, requiring major surgeries. Or it could cause nothing. It could come out perfectly healthy and normal. We really don't know." Lucia says.

"So there's hope that the baby could turn out okay?" I ask."Katniss---" Peeta starts."So there's hope?" I repeat. "Yes, Mrs. Mellark. There is." Lucia answers.

"Then I'm not letting this baby die. I don't care if it comes out with two heads or anything like that. Peeta and Willow and I will love it no matter what. I'll take the medicine. And I'll take my baby alive." I state.

"No termination?" Lucia asks. "No termination." I answer.She scribbles that down onto the paper.

"So, in order to monitor both you and the baby and to keep you as safe as possible, I'm going to start to schedule you for bi-weekly ultrasounds just to keep an eye on everything. Then, if anything happens, we can catch it early and maybe fix it in utero. Otherwise, we'll have it caught early and we can be prepared as necessary. Sound good?" She asks.

I nod my head.

"Perfect!" She says happily. "So glad we could make a decision that worked for you."

--

We leave the hospital later that morning. I clutch the orange pill bottle in my hand, ready to put it with my ever-growing collection of medicines to keep me from going clinically insane. "You want me to carry them instead?" Peeta asks on the way home."No, it's okay. I'm fine." I reply, sighing deeply.

Once we open the door to our house, Willow gets up and runs to the door."Mommy! Daddy!" She yells. I watch her brown hair, put up in a ponytail by Johanna, sway as she runs."Hi, Willow." Peeta say, scooping her up. She laughs her little toddler laugh that's cute enough to melt anyone's heart.

"Is mommy any better?" I hear Willow whisper into Peeta's ear."Yes, peanut. Mommy's feeling much better." Peeta answers, putting Willow back down. She comes over to me next.

"Hey, kiddo." I say, crouching down to her size."You can talk?" Willow asks, astounded."Yes. I can talk now. I'm so sorry I scared you, Will." I tell her."That's okay." She says quietly.I wrap her in a long hug and when we separate, she runs back to the couch where she had previously sat with Johanna.

I follow her over and sit down in an armchair near the sofa."Well, if it isn't brainless herself? Aren't I the luckiest girl in the district right now?" She says sarcastically."Oh, shut up." I tell her."Hey! That's a mean word." Willow chimes in from next to Johanna.

"Yeah, brainless. Listen to your kid." Johanna teases."I hope you're much nicer around Willow than you are around me." I poke."I'm not a mean person. It's just personal with you. I can't stand you, not your kid." Johanna explains.Willow laughs.

"Kid's got a good sense of humor. I don't know where she got it from, considering she has you two as her parents." Johanna states."Not that I have much of a good one either. I just insult people. My humor is cruelty." She adds on.

"How are you and Eric?" I ask, remembering her old boyfriend."Ooh! Who's Eric?" Willow asks Johanna and I.Johanna's eyes bore angrily into mine at me bringing up her love life in front of a little girl. I take the opportunity to make Johanna miserable."Eric's Johanna's boyfriend." I tell Willow.

"Old boyfriend." Johanna corrects."Really? What happened?" I ask, starting to feel guilty about bringing it up."I don't know. We called it off a few weeks ago. I guess he couldn't handle all of this." Johanna says, running her hands down her curves. Or, at least, where curves would be if she wasn't stick thin.

"It's okay. I'm over it." She says."Willow, why don't you go see your dad?" Johanna suggests, trying to get Willow away from her and I so we can talk freely.Willow gets up obediently and finds her father in the kitchen making lunch.

"How are you?" She asks, softening up to me. Now that Willow's gone, she can cut her tough-girl image around me. Because after all the stuff we went through together, I know her and she knows me better than to believe the toughness she makes up.

"I'm fine." I say. It's not totally a lie..."I know about you being in the hospital." Johanna says.I feel like I'm sinking back into the couch cushions."I'm good now." I say, trying to brush off the subject in case Willow comes back."How's the baby?" She asks."You know?" "Peeta told me. I mean, he had to or I wouldn't have been taking care of Willow." She explains.

"Oh. It's...um...okay." I say."And your head? How messed up is it again?" She asks, trying to make light of it."As messed up as usual. Infected now, too. That's why I couldn't talk. So, they're giving me some more medicine and then if it doesn't work, then they'll cut into my head and fix it themselves. So there's that. And then they asked me if I was going to abort the baby because the medicine could cause defects." I explain, trying not to go into details. Because, frankly, they're not details I want to think about.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" Johanna asks."Sure. Why not?" I say, sighing. We tell Peeta we're going for a walk and he tells us to be careful. "I'll try not to beat her up." Johanna calls out as before she shuts the door.

Once outside, curiosity takes over me."Why did you want to go for a walk?" I ask Johanna."You looked like you could use some air. And besides, I didn't want to risk Willow hearing about any of what you were saying. Does she even know about her new sibling?" Johanna asks."No, uh, we haven't told her yet. We'll probably have to tell her soon, I guess." I reply.Johanna rolls her eyes as a response.

"Did you hear about the documentary they're putting together about the rebellion and stuff?" Johanna asks, changing the subject.We find our way to the woods."Oh, yeah, I've definitely heard about that." I reply."What?" She asks, hearing the tone of my answer."They asked me to speak in it. And they asked if they could broadcast videos and stuff about everything that happened to you and I." I say.

"Damn. This better be good if they're going to expose everything that makes up who we are." Johanna replies."It's not like they don't already know. At least for me. For you... It's a different story. Nobody really... Uh..." I trail off."Care about me? I know, right?" She finishes my sentence.

I laugh a little bit."How are you holding up?" I ask Johanna."I'm alright, I guess. I can't really complain, especially compared to you." She says."No, no, no. Don't say that. I don't want to hear about how horrible my life is. I already know. Just tell me how you're holding up." I say.

Johanna gives me a look. "I'm okay. Just a stray nightmare or two. Sometimes I'll indulge in some morphing if it really gets bad." She explains."Self medicating? I applaud your... Um..." I trail off again. How do I answer to that without sounding stupid or rude?"My brilliant attempt at making life bearable? Thanks, brainless. It means a lot coming from you." She says sarcastically."Exactly."

Johanna sighs as we start back to the house."The real world is scary. Like, really scary." She says out of the blue."I'm aware." I reply."No, but really. Like, what are we going to do with ourselves? I mean, look at us! It's been over 10 years and we're still stuck in the same hole we were when you were 18. I mean, seriously. When will the future make us better?" She starts going off.

I listen to her rant about how unfair life is and how uncertain the future seems. I don't zone out on purpose. I mean, I agree with everything she's saying. Maybe it's the cool air that fills my lungs every time I breathe, or maybe it's the faint smell of fall leaves that I catch a whiff of every few breaths. Maybe it's the thought of my husband cooking lunch with Willow in the kitchen, or the new baby growing inside of me. Or my even friend, Johanna, talking next to me.

No matter which way, I feel the sudden and often fleeting feeling of okay-ness, for one of the few times in my life.

**hey! Sorry if this chapter is really boring and stuff. Sort of just a bit of partial-filler until some interesting stuff starts to happen a little later! :) please be sure to vote, comment, and enjoy! If you want to hear more from me, you guys know where the follow button is :) love you.-aly**