Chapter 93

Katniss

"I was born in a thunderstorm. I grew up overnight. I played alone, I'm playing on my own. I survived." -Sia

By mid-November, Doctor Lucia says that the baby still looks healthy and is doing well, despite all of my medicines. Peeta decided a while ago to start calling it our miracle baby. Because I guess, if you think about it, it is.

Lately, Willow's been getting more suspicious of Peeta and I than usual. Since it's been two months since I got pregnant, Peeta and I think that it's time to tell Willow. And we got the news about the baby being healthy still, so now there's nothing stopping us.

By mid-November, though, the Capitol has finished the documentary on the rebellion. They work quickly. Last week, they came to our house to ask us questions and film our answers to add into the documentary. I had seen a couple documentaries before, so when they asked something, I tried to sound as tough and solid as possible. Nobody wants to see a sobbing Katniss on TV.

I'm proud of how well I maintained my composure, throughout every question. There were some tough ones, like was there anything you learned from your experiences? What a bizarre question to ask. I don't really remember my answer, but it was something along the lines of me learning that people will do everything they can to hurt someone they hate. Something like that.

It was a relief when they finally left.

They told me it would air on November 19th, which just happens to be this evening. Peeta and I have a plan for today. Tonight, before we put Willow to bed and before it comes on TV, we're planning on telling Willow about her new baby brother or sister. Neither of us know how she's going to react, but Peeta's going to hide a video camera to tape her reaction, just in case it's priceless.

--

"Willow!" I call out. Peeta and I sit on the sofa in the living room. This is where we'll have her sit and be told. Peeta hid the camera a minute or two ago and now, we just wait.

We hear footsteps pattering over to the couch, and soon she appears."Yeah?" She asks."Mommy and I have something special to tell you." Peeta says."Really?" She gasps. She takes this as an invitation to jump up onto the couch with us.

She makes herself comfortable in Peeta's lap before settling down."What is it?" She asks."Are you ever lonely?" I ask her cryptically."Well... Sometimes, mommy. But I know that I have you and Daddy and Finn and Aunt Annie and Johanna and Effie and Uncle Haymitch." She explains.

"Hm..." I say, putting my pointer finger to my chin, mock thinking.Willow isn't following."Well, what if I told you that in a few months, you'd have a little brother or sister around here, too?" I ask.Willow's mouth drops open."What?" She asks.

"Mommy's having another little baby." Peeta tells her."You are?" She asks. I laugh a little and nod.Willow launches off of Peeta's lap and comes over to mine. She pokes my stomach."In there?" She asks curiously."Right in there." I say.

"When?" She asks."A little bit after your birthday. Sometime in June." I tell her."So I'm going to be a big sister?" She asks.I nod.

She turns to Peeta and asks him the same question. Then she turns back to me."You're not lying, are you? Are you still sick?" She asks me."Willow..." I say quietly. I feel both of our hearts sinking."Willow, baby, I'm always going to be sick. It's always going to be like this."

"But when I get sick, you and daddy always make me better. Daddy cooks me soup and you cuddle with me and we watch TV together until I feel better..." She says."It's not the same kind of sickness, Willow. It's bigger. It doesn't make me throw up or get a fever. And it doesn't break like it does when you start getting better." I say. Willow, please stop asking about this...

"But Daddy and I can make you better. We can make you soup and I'll lay with you or daddy can lay with you and you can watch TV until you get better." She says, not comprehending what I'm saying."Willow, as nice as that sounds, I'm not going to get better that way." I say."What will make you better? What will make it go away, Mommy?"

"Nothing, Will. Mommy is always going to have the days where she doesn't smile or the days where she won't come out of her room or those nights we talked about when you hear her yelling or the nights she doesn't sleep. It's always going to be that way." Peeta takes over.

"What got you sick? My teacher says germs make you sick. Where's the germ? Is it in the house? What made you sick?" She asks innocently."Baby, I can't tell you that. But I can tell you that it wasn't a germ and you don't need to be worried about getting what Mommy has. It can't get to you anymore." I say.

She sighs, sad and frustrated with the whole situation. I don't blame her.

--

When Willow's finally in bed, Peeta and I turn on the news channel. They're at the tail end of their nightly broadcast, but we tune in just in time to hear about a particularly concerning topic.

"And now onto our next story," the news reporter at the desk says, glancing down at her paper. "We go to Vipsania Black in the heart of District 2."

The camera cuts to a woman who looks about my age, with icy pale skin and blue hair to match the chill. "We have received word of resistance here in District Two. It is rumored that these small pockets of people wish to return to Panem's old ways of governing, including full dictatorship and even a comeback of the Hunger Games."

I almost choke on the water I was drinking. Peeta sets his glass of wine down on the table next to the couch.

"What? What does she mean? This can't be real! This has to be a joke." I say numbly.

"They have released several messages, officially identifying themselves as the Gold Hinge and making their goal of annihilating our government and the Mockingjay known." She continues.

I feel like I'm going to scream. I want to crumple, to break apart, to shatter right here and right now."No! This has to be a lie." I say over and over again.Peeta pulls me into his arms and I rest my head on his chest. "Peeta! I can't do this! What if they try to kill me or what if they go after you or Willow? No! I thought... I thought this was all over!  I thought I was done being the Mockingjay!" I cry out into his warm chest.

He rubs my back in the shape of circles, the same way he always has since the beginning of my recovery back in 13."It's going to be okay, Katniss." He whispers in my ear.

"But what if it's not, Peeta? What happens if I die? What happens if you die or Willow dies? What do we do? Where do we go from there?" I ask."We rebuild. We just have to keep going. The ship never stops sailing." He replies."You don't understand, Peeta! I can't just rebuild if you died. If you died, I would be nothing! I would turn into my mother, mixed with those Morphlings from 6. I would turn to dust! I would kill myself before you even had the chance to be buried." I tell him.

"What about Willow, huh? Would you just leave her? Would you just kill yourself and leave her here with no parents? Where would she go? What would she do?" Peeta asks."She could live with Haymitch. I don't know, Peeta! I'm serious! I would kill myself and there would be nothing stopping me." I repeat.He doesn't say anything this time.He just holds me close to him in his arms so I can hear his steady heart beating.

"I told you, it's going to all be okay." He says into my ear as I continue to cry.

--

I'm still laying in Peeta's arms when the broadcast ends and we see the opening of that documentary neither of us want to watch. "I don't want to watch this. I don't want to watch videos of you going through that stuff." Peeta says.

"I don't want to either. But we have to. We have to do it, Peeta." I say, groaning into his chest.He sighs and I do the same."It's gonna be bad, isn't it?" Peeta says."It's going to be bad." I answer him.

"And you're sure this can help Willow?" Peeta asks."No. But it could." "What if it doesn't? Will this all have been for nothing?" He asks.

"No. You heard the news. The Gold Hinge is a thing now. Maybe this'll piss people off enough to fight back against them." I say, my heart hurting at the thought of people out there trying to hurt me again."Okay." Peeta says. I can hear how unsure he is, sighing as the words leave his mouth.

So that's what we do. We sit on the couch, both on edge and ready to snap. We watch in near terror as they show parts of our Games. "I remember that." I choke out at the sight of the footage of Peeta's heart stopping. I remember Finnick trying to resuscitate Peeta and thinking he was trying to kill him. I think back to when there was distrust between Finnick and I. The TV changes shots, showing the pristine white room filled with gamemakers and Plutarch Heavensbee in the center, staring intently at the hologram of the arena.

"Get a cannon ready." He says to nobody in particular.The screen shows a bland looking man pull up the photo of Peeta they would use that night when they presented the fallen tributes in the sky.

Peeta pulls me closer."I'm here now, Katniss. I'm not going anywhere." He reassures me.

That was the first time he talked since the airing started. Neither of us like to think back to our first Games. Whether it be our fake love story or being pitted against each other by the careers, neither of us feel comfortable speaking of it. Our second Games were different. We had each other there to lean on.

"Beetee's plan." I point out blankly when they show our alliance talking on the beach. Little did either of us know that we wouldn't see each other at midnight. It would be many midnights later when we would meet again. And nothing would ever be the same.

"I'll see you at midnight." I hear myself say to Peeta before we kiss for the last time. That was the last time Peeta ever kissed me... The real me. Not the me that was twisted beyond recovery by the Capitol. My heart skips a beat.

Beetee's damned plan. The plan that was supposed to pick off the other tributes until our alliance was the only group of people left. And then what were we supposed to do? Collectively decide who to kill in what order? Turn on each other; our friends? Stand there and refuse to kill each other? I don't think anyone really thought it through enough.

And then, the screen fades to black. I think I must tense up because Peeta starts to rub my back again."If it's too bad, we'll turn it off." He says. I nod slightly and keep my eyes glue to the screen.

White words in a simple font fade into view on the black screen.This documentary depicts disturbing situations. Viewer discretion is advised.

This is it. The words fade off again. The screen is black once more for a few minutes, and then a black and white video of me rocking back and forth in the corner of my cell shows up on the screen. The audio kicks in because I hear muffled screams. Some of them come from me in my cell, behind the hand covering my mouth.

I remember this. This is what they would do. It's in black and white because the camera is night vision.

This is what they would do. They would lock me in my cell, shut every last light off so everything was pitch black. And then they would play the screams of everyone I knew. Everyone. Sometimes they screamed my name. Other times they didn't. But it was awful. And it drove me insane.

The narrator begins to explain about the Capitol taking me hostage. They play footage of me I didn't even know existed. Some of me screaming, being beaten and cut up... They even played my interviews. They play a clip of when I was shot in the leg.

Nothing is left to the imagination, that's for sure. "Peeta..." I say hoarsely.He answers immediately."Are you okay?" He asks."I-I'm fine. I just... Can we turn the volume down?"

I can't bear to hear my screams anymore.They play our interviews from a week or two ago soon. Peeta and I don't listen.

I watch as the me on screen frantically yells and strains against the restraints holding me to the table as doctors inject something into my neck.

And then, I'm on screen being rescued. I watch Boggs heave an unconscious me off of the ground, minding my hurt leg. He carries me quickly out of my cell and the screen fades to black.

Soon enough, it fades back into footage of me almost dying on the hovercraft. I hear the heart monitor start to speed up as my heart goes on its last spike. I hear people yell about how I'm crashing and then there's a steady blare of a flatline. Someone gets those paddles that shock your heart back into beating and after a few tries, I come back.

"If you had died..." Peeta says weakly."I didn't. I'm here still, just like you are." I tell him.I feel him nod.

I don't remember much else of the documentary. I remember crying at the end, and not just little tears. I cried.

Peeta shuts the TV off and asks me one simple question."Willow?" He asks.I shake my head."No." I say. This is not going to help her. It will never help her understand. It'll just scare her, seeing all of that. There's no way she'll be watching that until she's an adult.

She's getting more and more impatient by the day. Every day she seems to ask about me and what's going on. I don't know how much we can keep a secret. But I don't know how much we could ever tell her while she's this young.

**Sorry this took AGES. I hope you all enjoy! :) -Aly**