Chapter 91

Katniss

"And the weight is crushing down on my lungs, I know, I can't breathe and hope someone will save me this time." -Rilo Kiley

When I wake, I'm met with the small stature of my daughter right next to me. "Mommy?" She asks, sitting up when she notices I'm awake.I hardly hear her voice. My ears feel like they're stuffed with cotton."Mommy?" She asks again.I painstakingly turn my head to look at her. A smile lights up on her face.

"Mommy!" She exclaims, throwing her arms around me."Willow," Peeta says quietly. "Be gentle with your mommy, okay? Remember what I told you." She unwraps her arms from me and apologizes quietly. I'm silent, but not by choice.

"Willow, why don't you go tell your uncle Haymitch to take you home. Do you want to stay with your Aunt Annie and Finn or your Aunt Johanna?" Peeta asks. "I want to stay here with you and mommy!" Willow whines."Your bed will be much more comfortable. Plus it's going to be boring here. Mommy and daddy are just going to sit and talk about grown up stuff. You can go home with Aunt Johanna and you two can do something." Peeta explains.

Reluctantly, she nods. Peeta kisses her and then she plants a kiss on my cheek. I stay still. I don't say a word."I love you, mommy." She says.She looks sad when I can't return the gesture."She loves you, too, Willow." Peeta says quietly.

Haymitch appears in the door and takes Willow home, or at least I'm assuming that's where he goes after.

Peeta pulls up a chair next to my bed."Hey, Katniss..." He says, taking hold of my hand.I blink at him as my response. I don't know if I still can't talk or if I just don't want to.

"Can you talk?" Peeta asks.I shrug, almost imperceptibly. "Try?" He suggests.I nod slightly and take a deep breath."Hhhhhey." I say, my voice breaking and sounding wheezy. "That's it, Katniss." He says.

I cough once or twice. All of a sudden, I feel whatever block in my head is lifted and it's like the flood gates have opened. I feel like I'm going to vomit words."Peeta?" I say. I'm taken aback quickly by the sound of my voice working right.

He lets out a sigh of relief."I didn't think you were ever going to talk again." He says."Oh yeah? Remember that the next time I won't shut up." I say, laughing at my own joke."Took you a while to wake up. I was really worried." He adds."I don't know why I couldn't do anything." I reply.

"I don't know either." He says.

I gasp, remembering the baby."Is the baby okay? Did something happen? Is it alright? Did I kill it?" "Katniss? What? No! No, it's alright. The little one's alright." He comforts me.I let out a shaky sigh."Good."

"You'll have a little bit of explaining to do to Willow when she comes back tomorrow." He says."I...I know." I say guiltily."I think she's really upset." He says."She's not the only one..." I reply.He gives me a quizzical look."What do you mean?" He asks.

"I mean that I'm upset, too. I thought we were done with this. I thought my brain was fixed and so was I. I thought I could finally be there whole heartedly for my baby and for Willow. I thought Willow would never have to see me like this." I say.He just nods, neither of us knowing what to say.

"Peeta?" I ask."Yeah?""I'm so tired. I don't know why. I just slept, but I'm so tired." I reply."That wasn't real sleep." He says."It was terrible." "You want to talk about it?" He asks.I shake my head no.

"Did... Did I talk in my sleep?" I ask fearfully.Peeta just nods."Oh no. I scared her, didn't I? I probably traumatized the poor thing. What am I going to say to her?" I ask."Tell her that your brain is sick right now. That's what she heard from me." Peeta answers.

"Why don't you get some sleep? I know they put you on priority again, so I'll wake you up when your scans are ready." Peeta asks.I sigh."I don't know. I can't sleep now." I reply."Then we can just... Talk." Peeta decides.

I nod."I need you to answer me honestly. I need you to tell me the truth." I say quietly."What?" "How much hope do you have?" I ask simply."Hope? I don't know, I mean, I guess it depends on what you're talking about." He replies, confused.

"I mean, how much hope do you have about me? Like, I don't know, how much hope do you have that I'm not dying." I clarify."Katniss--""I told you, I want honesty. Real honesty." I cut in.

He sighs."I don't know." He says."You don't know?""I have lots of hope that you're not dying, that I know for sure. But you told me you want honesty, so I'm going to give you that. And when I say this, I don't want you to think we're giving up on this. But you asked for honesty... So that's what I'm gonna give you." He says.

I nod slightly, fear gnawing in my gut.

"It's been how many years? Ten? Eleven? I don't know to be exact, but it's been years. You know how small the progress was at the beginning, when we had just rescued you. And then, when we came home, it wasn't much better. For those years after we got married, it started getting better. Then you got pregnant and everything went bad again." He says.I wait for him to continue.

"Once you had Willow... It was all good. It got better. Then it got okay. And then, it was like it was freedom. And now it's back." Peeta says."What's your point?" I ask."My point is, I don't think it's ever going to get any better. I don't think it's ever going to go away. I know that ever since the doctors told you that, we were trying to have hope, but you wanted honesty. And if I'm going to be honest, I don't think it's going to get better or just go away. I think we're going to always find ourselves back here." He finishes.

"I was hoping you weren't going to say that." I reply, my heart sinking."You wanted honesty." "That's why I'm glad you said it." I continue.

He picks up my hand and I squeeze it."Maybe it can get better. Maybe it'll all even out again like it did before. That can happen, right?" I ask."I don't know, Katniss." He replies.

"Peeta?" I ask a little while later."Yeah?" "What if the scans come back and they say I'm going to die?" I ask.

The thought of my child and my husband watching me die, maybe even with the baby inside me, sends chills through my spine. I remember a dream where, for some reason, I was attacked by an animal and Peeta and Haymitch found me bleeding out on the rocks in the woods. Peeta held my hand and cried because he knew I wasn't going to make it. He kept telling me to hold on for him and for Willow. And then, when more help never came, he cried and told me to let go. I remember so vividly how Haymitch held my other hand, trying to keep tears out of his eyes. They held me there and I could feel the life slipping away from me. I shiver just thinking about the dream.

"That's not going to happen." He answers."But what if it does?" I ask."Then we'll do whatever it takes to keep you alive for as long as possible. And we'll make sure what time you have left is the best." He says.I nod, trying to not think of that damned dream.

"But, Katniss, it's not going to happen. So we don't need to worry about it." He adds on.

--

A half hour of silence later, there's a knock at the door. There's Aurelius, standing in the doorway."Hello!" He says in a cheerful whisper."Hi..." Peeta says back.

"So, we have your results, finally," Aurelius says. "We've concluded from the scans that those stubborn tracker jacket venom pockets in your brain, although shrinking, are still the cause of your troubles. Your case today, or should I say tonight now, is more serious. A very small pocket burst, sending venom into the Broca's Aphasia, the part of your brain controlling speech, which caused your speech problems. I see you're talking now, but the venom infected far into the Broca's Aphasia, meaning you're going to need some major medication, if not surgery." He explains.

"Surgery?" Peeta asks. "Only if the medication doesn't work. We have high hopes that it will. I expect it should." He says."So, if this doesn't work, you'll need to give her brain surgery?" Peeta continues to ask."Mr. Mellark, I can assure you, this medicine is going to work well. It has never not worked." Aurelius says."Yeah, well how many times have you dealt with a case like hers?" Peeta asks. I touch his arm to calm him down.

"Peeta, it's okay." I say. I wish he could be saying it to me, though. I admit I'm being selfish, but Aurelius said brain surgery. He said brain infection. And now all I can think of is how it really feels to die. "It's not okay!" Peeta snaps at me.I remove my hand from his arm quickly, my heart sinking.

Figuring that arguing with Peeta right now is useless, Aurelius turns to me."Your prescription will be filled out for you by tomorrow morning. I'll come back then and we can talk about what you're to expect and Lucia will give her input about the baby." Aurelius says.

He's about to walk out, but I stop him."What do you mean 'about the baby'?" I ask.He walks back over to my bed."The medicine... We do not know how it'll affect the baby. It's never been used during a pregnancy and so she'll give input on what you two should do." Doctor Aurelius says.

"What we should do? What? What are our options?" I ask."She'll come in to talk to you about whether you want to terminate the pregnancy to take care of yourself or continue the pregnancy and run risk of hurting the baby or yourself." He explains further."What the hell?" I ask loudly.

"I'm sorry?" He says, not understanding."You can't just drop that on us as if we expected that! You came in here to tell me about some bullshit brain infection I have, and now you're telling me I might have to kill this baby? What the hell is wrong with you people? You couldn't have been more gentle or something with it?" I ask.

"Mrs. Mellark, I apologize for the delivery. But you're not one to want sugar-coating. At least I haven't known that to be true." Aurelius defends. "You don't know shit about me!" I yell. My heart races in my chest. Peeta sits silently. I'm doubtful he's really listening, he's so angry about the surgery.

Aurelius doesn't say a word. I continue to yell."Last time I was pregnant, you people spent every damn day trying to convince me not to terminate my baby's life. Every damn day I heard how I shouldn't do it. And now, the time I really wanted this, you're telling me I might have to? Are you kidding me?" I ask.

"I'm very sorry. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, Mrs. Mellark. You can keep the baby and continue with this. We didn't know how you'd feel about the risks! We thought maybe you'd think they were too large to carry through." Aurelius explains.

"And now you're saying that you think I don't have enough of a moral code to love a baby that isn't perfect? You're saying I don't have the heart to love a baby that might have a disability? How dare you tell a mother that she doesn't have the heart to love her child!" I yell."You're not understanding--"

"Oh, I think I'm understanding perfectly! Get the hell out of my room. Now." I say.

Aurelius sighs."I'll be back in the morning with Lucia." "I don't care. Get out!" I yell.

He turns on his heel and leaves, leaving Peeta and I alone to deal with the questions on what we're supposed to do now.