11. Butting Heads

*Olivia's POV*

"She has nightmares. The first one, she woke up screaming so loud I thought she was getting kidnapped or something. She climbs into bed with me every night. She's clingy."

"Clingy how?"

"When she got the voicemail, she wouldn't let me go for 20 minutes. She's never been one for physical contact, but she's with me all the time, following me when we're in the same building."

Huang nods.

"She told me, when I went to pick her up, that everything's unfair. Some girl was giving her crap about Ashely being missing, how Liv is gonna kill her because her grades will end up suffering, she's alone, it's all unfair, and she's gonna lose her friends. Sounds a lot like teenager-y stuff but..." Amanda trails off.

"She's trying to put it all behind her already. It's just the way she copes. I wouldn't say anything is wrong with her other than the obvious. She's trying to figure it out without bothering anyone else."

I nod to Huang's words.

"Just watch her for now. If it seems she has a mood shift or something seems just wrong, don't hesitate calling."

"Thanks, Huang."

"Anytime."

I turn to Rollins. "Some girl is giving her crap?"

"Yes. But I don't think it's a bother for her anymore. Her exact words were 'I tripped that bitch, so whatever'."

I raise my eyebrows. Ellie doesn't swear. Much.

"I think she's just stressed, Liv."

I nod, looking towards the cribs where we sent Ellie. She's lying on her back, starting up. My feet direct me towards her.

"Hey, El," pops out of my mouth before I decide whether talking to her is smart or not.

"What?" Yeah, she doesn't want to talk.

"I just want to see how you're doing," I say gently.

"Just like the shrink you made evaluate me? Thanks Mom, really helped."

"Hey, stop with the attitude!" I snap back at her.

"Guess I learn from the best," she remarks, standing up to leave the room.

"Hey!" I remark, grabbing her arm.

She turns and give me a look.

"Don't talk to me like that!"

"Then don't treat me like a mental patient!" She shakes herself free and goes to sit with Amanda.

I walk back out to the squadroom to return to work. Ellie gets right back up and goes back to the cribs.

Nobody says anything to me. They probably heard us arguing.

"Hey, Cragen, when Ellie's phone isn't evidence anymore, don't give it back to her."

"Why not?" he asks.

"Because it's mine now."

"Woah, you're not spoiling your daughter anymore?" Amanda asks.

"She's giving me attitude. I'm sick of it."

"I don't really think it's her fault, Liv. And, if you're gonna discipline her, her phone is the last thing she'll want for a long time." Amanda sits on the corner of my desk. "Make her sit out here."

"That'd just be a consequence for myself."

Amanda laughs.

*Ellie's POV*

I sit on this cot for who knows how long. I end up falling asleep.

When I wake up, it's because Amanda is sitting on the edge of the bed, shaking my shoulder.

"Whaaaat?" I whine.

"Are you hungry?"

"No. I'm tired," I tell her, still as whiny.

"Well once you go home to go to bed you won't be able to sleep."

I sit up. "That'd be a good thing," I say, leaning back against the wall.

"Why?"

"So I don't have to sleep later. So no nightmares."

"You have to sleep, Babe," she says, fixing a lock of my hair.

"I don't sleep after a nightmare, much, anyways."

I look down. The thoughts going through my head now, I would rather not speak them.

"What's going on, Babydoll?" She touches my arm, just enough for me to know she's there.

I blink away tears, keeping my eyes on the frame holing up the cot. I take a breath and shake my head. "I just want my best friend back," I say.

"I get it. It's gonna be hard for-"

"Look, I know you're all trying to help me. I appreciate it. But I'm sick of people asking me what's wrong when the answer is always the same. I'm sick of being told to hold on, it's gonna be okay, all that."

I lean my body down so my knees touch my head. I'm not very flexible, so it hurts a little. I don't care though.

"Ellie, what else do you want us to say?"

"I don't know. I'm just done." I sit back up, still staring.

*Amanda's POV*

She's not telling me something. I know pushing her is something that'll make her very angry, but I do it.

She sits up, staring, thinking. I know that face. Olivia does it when she is trying to figure a case out. Ellie isn't analyzing though. She's just deep in thought.

"What is it?" I ask her again.

"Nothing."

"Ellie, I don't care what it is. You can tell me. I promise to keep it a secret."

"You wouldn't keep it. You wouldn't be able to," she mumbles.

"Why not?"

"Because it's a dangerous thought."

What the hell? "What...do you mean?"

"These dreams are making me think. Like...what if...what if I wouldn't have gotten in Elliot's car? What if I would've let them take me. Ashley would be safe. It'd be better for me to be missing than her. I know how to fight. I know how to leave prints and all that. Ashley just knows to listen to what the guy says she she doesn't get killed. Maybe not even that."

I don't reply. Mainly because I don't know what to say.

"I'll be in the squadroom. Sure you aren't hungry?" I ask her.

"I guess a little," she says.

I nod and get up, practically running out to the others.

"What are you speed racing for?" Fin asks.

"Ellie. She..." I stop talking. I said I could keep it a secret.

"She didn't want me in there. But she's hungry."

I get weird stares. All I do in return is sit down and text Liv to bring Ellie some food back with her.

*Olivia's POV*

We're still in the hotel tonight, but Ellie just lies on her bed facing the wall.

"Staying at school the entire day tomorrow?" I ask.

"I'm not going."

I stop in my tracks. "What?"

"Can you not hear? I'm. Not. Going." She sits up.

"Okay, first, you don't talk to me like that. Second, you are."

"I already emailed all my teachers. I got my schoolwork for the entire week." The look on her face is so smug is angers me.

"You're not staying out the entire week."

"It's already done," she remarks, leaning back.

"Just because you're life is hard right now, doesn't mean you get special treatment. All the stuff I see everyday-"

"You chose to work SVU. Grandma was raped, and you're dedicated to your job because of it. You chose that! I didn't choose this!"

She's right.

But it's based off what lies she's known to be truth.

"Fine. Stay home. If your grades slip your ass-"

"I got it. I predicted that 12 hours ago!"

She lies back down, but I know she isn't sleeping.

That night, at around 4:30, my phone starts to ring. I go to reach it when I bump into something on the other side of the mattress. Ellie.

I carefully reach over her to grab my phone. Because Ellie was in the way, I miss the call. A voicemail is left.

Well it isn't Cragen. He'd just call again.

"Just because you took her phone doesn't mean I won't stop. You give me Eliana, you get Ashley back. That's what you want, right?"

My breathing quickens. I try to get out of bed, but Ellie's got her arm around mine.

Suddenly, I forget calling Cragen. I look at my baby girl. I don't think she's asleep, because my moving would've caused her to shift and release me.

"El," I whisper. "Gotta let me get up, Love."

She only squeezes my arm tighter.

"Ellie. Seriously. I gotta get to work."

"Am I just supposed to sit here?" she mumbles.

"Sleep for now. When you wake up, call me. If I'm not busy, I'll come get you. Or send someone to get you. I have to get up, though."

She releases my arm and rolls onto her stomach, burying her face in her pillow. She doesn't sleep like that; she's crying.

Instead of going to her, I head to the bathroom, turn on the water, and cry to myself in the shower.

When I'm done getting ready, I shake Ellie's shoulder. She looks up at me.

"I'm leaving. But hey, I don't like fighting with you."

She nods. I can see she definitely was crying. She sits up all the way and holds her arms out. I sit and get locked in a tight hug. I nearly cry again.

"I love you, Mom," she says.

"I love you too."

I retract from my daughter. I want to crawl back into bed with her so terribly, but I can't. I know I can't.

"I'll be back for you. Stay here. Try to sleep."

She nods and lies back down.

I head out to the hallway and dial Cragen's number.

In the elevator, he answers.

"Hey, it's Liv. I got a voicemail from the perp."

"Head to the precinct. I'll notify all the others."

"On my way," I say, getting into the car.

"Are you okay? You sound upset."

"I can't keep doing this, Cragen. I'm blatantly lying to Ellie. I've been doing this for so long. She was up, awake, clinging to me when I woke up. She cried when I left, Cragen. She was crying."

"Get to the precinct in one piece Liv. I'll be there in five minutes."