should I stay or should I go

[...]

One week passed, and Phuwin felt stuck.

He felt like he couldn't even shorten his stay, because if he did, it would just look like he wanted to run away from his best friend's confession, which, deep down, he wanted. And Pond was barely even here anymore.

Which for some maddening reasons, made Phuwin feel even more sensitive, even more on his nerves. He was like a ticking bomb, ready to explode at any given moment. The tension from everything was getting to him, and he couldn't help but let his mind imagine how Pond's nights were going when he would leave without a word, well-dressed and God so fucking handsome, so fucking sinful, looking like someone who had nothing much to lose. Not anymore.

It was maddening. There were no other words.

And Phuwin hated feeling like he couldn't get him out of his mind. He even surprised himself thinking about him, while Dew was being a sweetheart and massaged his back, because he hurt himself in the pool earlier as his back hit the water very poorly. How dare he?

And Phuwin noticed. The new found care in Dew, his efforts, his gentleness. Without it being too present, too persistent, or forced. He was still acting like the Dew he forever knew, but with a side of lingering touch and lingering gaze that Phuwin didn't even have the heart to reject.

And it wasn't like he hated it either.

Though, it never felt the same as when Pond touched him that morning.

He sighed, his eyes glued to the ceiling as the slow breathing of his friend beside him had indicated that he had already fallen asleep. They had played in the pool all day, he was exhausted, but for some reason, actually multiple, Phuwin just couldn't find sleep. He rose up from the bed, feeling his heart calling out for some fresh air, while his stomach growled in a very unflattering way. He decided to ignore it and got out of the room silently, his steps unsure but discreet. He wouldn't want to wake Dew up.

Especially because he also felt the irrepressible need to be alone right now.

Nothing had really changed between Dew and him but it still felt weird for Phuwin because he knew he had things to redeem himself from. All that while Dew was just being his usual Dew, nice and careful not to overstep any unspoken boundary.

It was hard to be gifted so much gentleness and kindness when he knew damn well that what he did with Dew's brother was almost unforgivable. Though, he knew Pond had it worse.

It was literally his brother after all. His little silly beautiful brother that Phuwin knew he cared about deeply, even with what he did.

What they did.

The whole situation was honestly so strange.

He walked downstairs, the living room bathed in a calming dim light coming off the moon, its glimmers shining through the glass-window, where Phuwin could see the same pool they've been in all day, the water now perfectly still, illuminated by the little lights around. The night was so calm and refreshing. He stepped out of the living room, careful not to make too much noise even as Dew was upstairs, maybe scared that if he was too loud he would break the moment.

Phuwin didn't want to think about anything. At all. He needed this. A moment of peace. Of serenity. Not acknowledging anything, staying in his own ignorance, because maybe sometimes, ignorance was bliss.

He sat down by the pool, and let his legs spread in the water, creating little ripples he liked to watch. There were stars in the sky and a cold air breeze that was messing slightly with his already messed up hair. The calm engulfed him, and for a second, he felt better.

Not good, just better.

He spent the whole week overthinking everything, so much that right now, even for a split second, even for a split moment, he was content to simply breathe more freely.

Without the lingering tension, without the guilt, without the thought of any boys screaming into his mind to choose them, to make a choice, to do a thing.

He was just Phuwin, a student who was enjoying the simple sensation of a day spent approximately well, exhausted by so much playing, and tanned.

His skin was slightly burning but he liked the sensation, and to be fair, just seeing himself covered in sunkisses though it hurted, was definitely worth it. He smiled, a little, taking a deep breath as he let his legs play in the water, refreshed by it and the cold atmosphere.

It felt like a good evening now. Though it was maybe quite late to call it an evening anymore.

He stayed like this for a while, his mind cleared, and his thoughts shut.

That's all he needed.

At that moment, Phuwin was so relaxed that he didn't even notice once the man gazing behind him, leaning into the frame of the glass-window with crossed arms, his pocket of cigarettes in one hand, while the other was gripping on a very cool patterned lighter inside of his front pocket. A little habit of his when he was being nervous, which barely even happened.

But for Pond, Phuwin was different.

He always had been.

From the first meeting, till now.

And for maybe way too long, Pond just stared at him, not moving, not talking, not doing anything that'd make Phuwin notice his presence, feeling like he was crazy to sense that this simple sight was making him feel so many kinds of things, like nervousness, or just simply, the sensation of his heartbeat increasing slightly faster each second stretching.

When he finally saw Phuwin moving a bit, his legs dancing slowly in the water, Pond decided to take a deep breath, his courage, and a cigarette in hand, before walking out to him, his steps purposefully noisy.

Phuwin almost immediately noticed since the silence was deafening but not quite weighting, and his head shot back, curious, before his eyes widened, maybe not quite expecting Pond to be walking to him as they haven't talked for seven days straight.

The latter forced himself to be confident, but he was just straight up nervous, especially about feeling Phuwin's gaze on him again, half-expecting something, half-wondering if he should open his mouth.

But neither did, and Pond simply spread his arm to display the cigarette between his fingers, his eyes faking determination. He was a true mess inside.

— Want one?

Phuwin blinked, making Pond shiver as he was looking straight into his eyes, not liking how his fingers started twitching a bit, though he didn't waver.

— Hum... Thank you.

Relief washed over him and he smiled, a little, not smug or sarcastic, before taking the quiet curiosity look from Phuwin as an invitation to sit beside him, though he was careful to keep a distance between them.

Pond didn't want to fuck things up twice, he already did it once. And Phuwin didn't flinch, nor say a thing, simply diverting his gaze from the man beside him whose presence was so impactful he felt awfully aware of him.

But Pond felt the same thing so they were quite on the same page, though neither of them knew.

— Your lighter?

Pond jolted a bit, maybe surprised to hear Phuwin talk first.

— Ah yeah... Sorry.

He grabbed the lighter in his pocket, swearing to himself as he felt the way his fingers trembled a little, his nervousness showing off, giving him away. He tried to calm down, but when his hand lifted once more, it didn't stop.

Phuwin noticed but he didn't say anything, grabbing the object to light up his cigarette. Then he handed it back, with the same silence that stretched between them, not so awkward and more... still. Even soothing somehow.

Pond did the same, trying so hard to not show any weakness even if it was barely possible with Phuwin so close yet so far from him. He wanted to reach, but restrained it. He wanted to say a thing, but restrained it. He knew words weren't what they needed right now, it'd fuck things up too quickly if he dared say anything.

He knew he wasn't good at this.

So they sat like that for a while, letting the cold breeze caressing their exposed skin, in great harmony, without the little devils by their side telling them that what they were sharing right now, was deeply wrong.

It felt like a new start, though nothing had really started.

It was simply the calm after the storm, the silence hitting after a good day, a very tight equilibrium between two people who knew there was more between them than what the world wanted for them.

And that was enough.

— I'm sorry.

After the storm, there was the calm, and after the calm, there was the surrendering, the redemption.

It was Phuwin who started, because he knew he said things that weren't exactly true. That wasn't supposed to hit so well.

— I shouldn't have said those things the other day. I was... mad. At myself. And because I knew I was mad at myself for what I did, I took it out on you. Sorry. You're not the only asshole here, I was a part of it too. I made the decision to do it too. Both of us did. Which surely doesn't make us good persons, but at least, it doesn't just make you the bad one. I should've acknowledged it. I'm sorry I didn't.

Pond felt a specific shiver run down his spine, leaving him speechless for a second. He didn't exactly expect such a heartfelt apology from someone he thought he was the one who needed to apologize to. He never thought it was Phuwin the problem in the first place. He always thought it was himself. Because, to a certain extent, it was.

After all, he was the one who decided to flirt with Phuwin, he was the one who gave in, he was the one who searched for it, who teased, who wanted something he knew was forbidden to have in the first place.

Phuwin wasn't just anyone. He was his little brother's crush, the one his brother wrote a letter for. The first time Pond ever saw his little brother write a letter for someone. Something he could've never done.

He wasn't like this. He wasn't a romantic, a lover boy, a person who could express those types of emotions so freely. He was just Pond, adored for his look, praised for it even, and nothing else. He was a pretty face with an ugly heart. Nothing less. Nothing more. He knew from the start that he would've never deserved Phuwin, even if the latter would've given him the chance.

But he still went for it. That's just how selfish Pond always had been.

He really didn't deserve anything.

And yet.

— Don't say that, Phuwin. I'm the worst here. I willingly flirted with you, went for you, hunted you, though I knew my little brother could love you better, want you better even, maybe... I don't know. I mean, I'm aware I'm not the right one, but I...

He took a deep breath.

— I just couldn't help it.

And Phuwin didn't know why, but he wanted to smile. A bit. It just... felt good. Somehow. It was like admitting the attraction was too powerful, too intoxicating, too uncontrollable. And it meant something, at least he thought.

— Is it... bad if I say I don't regret it? Does that make me an even more horrible person? Phuwin admitted, his heart lighter, his gaze locked away in the mountain's skyline, dark but calm.

Pond felt his heart skip a beat and a fire ignite into his fingertips.

— No, it doesn't. Because we're not... controlling this... Whatever it is. It's not like we did it on purpose, or it's not like we want to hurt Dew. We just can't help it. And maybe we're not good people, but at least, I'm glad. I'm glad you don't regret it because I don't either. You're...

Different? Amazing? The right one?

The words died, too intimate and vulnerable to tell.

But it was enough.

And when Phuwin leaned beside, his shoulder brushing with Pond's, before totally giving in, Pond opened his arms and pulled him gently against his chest, his arm leaning over one of his shoulders, Phuwin's face resting on his, the silence engulfing once more with a new found serenity.

They stayed like this for a long moment. Heart in harmony. Minds cleared. Before Pond being Pond diverted the conversation to something way less serious.

— You know... I'd have never thought you were into choking.

Phuwin almost choked with his saliva.

— What's wrong with you!!! Shut up!!

— I wanted to ask you the other day why you let me do that but we argued so yeah... Pond took a pause at the unpleasant memory. I swear I never did that before but when you arched your back, I couldn't help it.

Phuwin slapped his shoulders, turning to him, cheeks flushed.

— Stop being so unhinged! Have some shame!

Pond laughed but then closed the distance between them, whispering from the tip of his lips, in such a teasing manner Phuwin wanted to slap him again. But he didn't. His breath hitched at the sudden move. At the sudden flame ignited in Pond's eyes.

At this something electric in between them.

— You know... When you screamed my name that day... It didn't feel like I was the one being unhinged. The maids probably heard you... You're lucky Dew wasn't there.

Phuwin's eyes widened. He was so bold. So shameless. So annoyingly attractive. No. Fuck.

— You're being annoying again, he simply warned.

Pond laughed, breaking the distance, and this time, his laugh resonated so loud Phuwin wondered why it caught his breath. He stared. Too long maybe. That even when Pond stopped laughing, his eyes were still all over him.

— You're staring, Iceman.

— I told you to stop calling me that.

— Oh, sorry, baby.

Phuwin broke the distance and without thinking, his lips were already on Pond's.

The latter felt his breath hitching immediately, surprised, before relaxing and returning the kiss with the same intensity. His hand slid to the small of Phuwin's back, urging him to get even closer, which Phuwin did, whimpering a little.

But as fast as his lips were on his, they were also almost immediately gone, making Pond groan in frustration.

Phuwin laughed, happy of his little effect, before getting up, breaking every once of contact they just had. The loss was maddening for both of them though Pond was having it worse, biting the inside of his cheeks, jaw clenching, and gaze already darkened. The control Phuwin had over him was inhuman. And the latter only smiled, cheeks flushed, neck carmin, holding up his gaze before simply letting out a maddening whisper.

— Good night, Bailey. Sweet dreams.

Just like this night in his car.

And it took every ounce of self control left in Pond's body to not reach up even just once again, his entire being itching at the loss of Phuwin's warm presence.

Crazy.